Thursday, 4 September 2008

Always


It sounds as if Sanitary wear manufacturers 'Always' are diversifying by moving into the greeting card industry, their snappy new strap-line being: ' Have a Happy Period'. Well it makes good financial sense; Christmas and birthdays are but once a year, but a period (fingers crossed - should've been legs) happens once a month. I actually think this gimmick could catch on; 'Always' could give away a set of 'Happy Period' cards, depicting calming pictures of flowers or kittens or any other suitably girly image, with every pack of pads they sell. I, in turn, could send them to my girl-pals, wishing them well whilst they're cramping up in agony and hugging hot water bottles. I'd probably get a slap.

Having a bearable period is about how fast the painkillers work, how quickly the killer rage subsides and whether or not the skinny jeans will still do up over the water inflated bloat . . . it has very little to do with the pads I stick in my pants . . . just make sure the bloody things don't leak . . . or make me look like I'm wearing a nappy . . . perhaps 'Always' could think about giving away a free Smirnoff Moscow Mule with every pack . . . now this would make me happy . . .

18 comments:

Mrs Pouncer said...

Is this the correct arena for such intimate musings, Scarlet?
However, it does give me the opportunity to thrust myself into the limelight and reminisce about a product from the late 1970s, namely Playtex Scented Tampons. In a cynical money-removing exercise, this beastly American company attempted to pull our loyalties from dear old Tampax and Lillets to their new, improved version which promised the SmoothGlide (TM) applicator and the scent of honeysuckle. Of course, we all bought them by the crateful. The applicators were plastic and non-flushable. As for the scent; well, who knows?
Could anything be beastlier.

scarlet-blue said...

I do remember the pink applicators, one of them gave me a nasty nip, they had sharp pointy teeth . . . I was very young and inexperienced . . . so who knows what I was doing . . . I do believe that that the presenters on Blue Peter made use of the discarded applicators by glueing them together, adding sequins and tinsel and from this produced a rather fetching lampshade . . . I made one for my Dad . . .

BEAST said...

Oh no ....Lady stuff
***sneaks off before anyone notices***

scarlet-blue said...

Beast!!! . . . I knew this would happen . . . how to alienate my whole readership with one posting . . . . you come back here now and think about periods . . .

Gorilla Bananas said...

Scented tampons would be quite disastrous for female gorillas. They would mask the natural odour of the vulva-in-oestrus, causing the males to ignore them when they were in need of service. Have either of you two ladies been ignored when you were gagging for it? It must be a most frustrating experience.

scarlet-blue said...

Of course we haven't (I'm sure I can speak for Mrs Pouncer), never . . . it's not like you to be so foolish Mr B . . .

BEAST said...

Miss Scarlet . I tend to be on the recieving end of young ladies bad humour when their ovaries drop an egg , so have nothing positive to add , unless someone would invent a period card that says
Feel Free to not Speak to me until you can act reasonably
:-)

scarlet-blue said...

Well Beast, inflating like a balloon doesn't aid good humour.
Always be on hand with chocolate, alcohol, box of tissues, and an exciting game plan for the weekend . . . this way you won't end up on the receiving end of any ill-humour. Honest.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Yes, I'm sure you ladies have your own infallible tricks to get men to notice you when you're feeling horny. Female gorillas tend to curtsy on the male's face. I wonder what Mrs Pouncer does...

scarlet-blue said...

Well Mr Bananas, it seems that female humans and female gorillas have much in common . . . And you're being a very bad gorilla!

Mrs Pouncer said...

As for me, I would've thought it was obvious by now.

Dr Maroon said...

Even as a doctor (albeit engineering) the fixation that women have with their monthly cycle has always been a mystery to me. As growing boys, the instructions to be found in Tampax packets were worth a packet of spangles and two Number 6's. You will be amazed to learn, that back then, even this documentary proof, could not convince some of us that girls had to, pardon me, insert, paper products into their bodies, just so they could go sky diving or cycling in white trousers. I of course was quite the little man of the world, for which I was regularly beaten by the Jesuits who had me in their care, in locum parentis.
Scarlet sorry! I was wandering.

scarlet-blue said...

That's okay Dr Maroon, you let it all out . . .

Glamourpuss said...

Agreed - periods are crap. And sanitary towels are vile. In fact. anything that makes me smell like I died is vile. I just bought a Mooncup - takes some getting used to but far less revolting than anything Always sell.

Puss

Mrs Pouncer said...

Christ.

wendyhouse said...

Happy? HAPPY?
What planet do Always live on? They certainly haven;t visited planet-Wendy where whatever the shape, absorbancy, and winged-ness of the soak-the-blood-up mechanism, happy is not a part of the equation. Marketing nonsense, NONSENSE. Now I can think of a few inducements to happiness that do help but involve any form of puke-inducing stomach cramps...

oops, I've said too much,

scarlet-blue said...

Thank you Glamourpuss and Wendyhouse for helping me out!

And Mrs P . . . you are a classy lady.

Sx

~Static~ said...

Ack!

You thought my post about fishy foot gobblers was bad. This is no place for a sock puppet! =P