Saturday, 20 September 2008

No More Awkward Moves

I don’t like vacuuming and anything that’s going to make it quicker and less of a chore is alright by me, so I was interested to see what the new Dyson vacuum cleaner had to offer now that the nice Mr Dyson has corrected the obvious design flaw. Apparently the new Dyson has been fitted with a big ball for easy handling; where previously it could only go backwards and forwards, straight up and down, thumping against the walls and getting nowhere fast, it can now be easily manoeuvred into any tight little nook or cranny. Sounds like a godsend.
According to Jennifer Whitehead at Brand Republic, the Dyson company are: ‘banking on research that the new ball design will make men 45% more likely to do the housework, a fact that, in turn, will make women want to buy the cleaner’. I’m confused because the Dyson ad blatantly only shows women using the vacuum. Maybe they realised the dubious quality of their research. Perhaps we women, when viewing the ad, are supposed to chuckle to ourselves in the knowledge that the obvious design flaw is that men are incapable of using a vacuum cleaner. But men are incapable of using a vacuum cleaner. Without supervision, a man may start innocently enough by vacuuming the carpets and the kitchen worktop, but inevitably he will discover the delights to be had from the wide range of assorted vacuum accessories and not before too long he will be sucking up spilt drinks with the mini turbine head, grooming the cat with the soft dusting brush, removing earwax with the ‘up-top’ tool and sticking the long hosed flexi-crevice nozzle down his trousers . . . .

37 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

I've heard that some men are actually very keen to do the vacuuming. Not in their own homes though, but for a woman in a vinyl dress and stiletto heels with a whip in her hand. What's more, they will actually pay the woman! Have you got what it takes to be a dominatrix, Miss Scarlet?

Kevin Musgrove said...

I once saw a programme on the telly that included a piece about an attractive, naked lady who goes around doing housework for frustrated continentals.

It struck me that I'm getting old: I was getting more excited by the idea of somebody doing the vacuuming than I was by the naked lady.

Kate Lord Brown said...

Ah, boys and vacuum cleaners ... it's inevitable isn't it? Mr Dyson's big ball is something of a retro moment for those of us who can remember our mother's happily pottering around the patch with their 1970s 'ball barrows' (yes, they did exist - honestly).

scarlet-blue said...

Mr GB: Well of course I have . . . you just sit in the corner and be quiet until I ask you to speak.

Kev: I too would be excited about someone doing my cleaning . . . ah, perhaps I can set Mr Bananas to work . . . what do you reckon?

Kate: I've got to go and look this up now . . . I'll see if I can get a pic . . .

No Good Boyo said...

Would GB have to dress up as a mandrill for added humiliation?

Mrs Boyo & I recently spent a pleasant day in Malmesbury, the home town of Mr Dyson. Pleasant, that is, until we found out that the Abbey Gardens are the preserve of "naturists" on certain days of the year. This was such a day.

O Malmesbury, so much to answer for.

BEAST said...

Miss Scarlet , you should be doing the marketing research for Mr Dyson as you listed exactly the sort of vacuum related activities that would get the lads interested in Mr Dysons latest offering. Any piece of equipment that features a 'flexible crevice tool ' is worthy of a larger audience

having my cake said...

Mr Dyson had better start making donations to the NHS - A&E is going to be an awful lot more crowded once advertising for the new toy is in full swing...

:: Wendy :: said...

vaccuming should always be delegated, whether your equipment involves balls or not.

scarlet-blue said...

No Good Boyo: I think Mr Bananas is colourful enough . . . looking dishevelled in a dinner jacket whilst pushing his Dyson just might work though . . .

Beast: Yep, in future whenever I look at a 'flexible crevice tool', I will think of you.

Ms Cake:I'm sure the NHS would be grateful to Mr Dyson if he'd donate some cleaners. I think Mr Dyson should start work on inventing a hygenic loo brush . . .

Wendy: I will send Mr Bananas over to you when I have finished with him. What would you like him to wear?

Mrs Pouncer said...

Good heavens. Boredom. Ennui.
I have drudges for this sort of activity.
I am really losing patience.
Can someone please start some lightsome thread somewhere, anywhere, for me to join? No more HOUSEWORK, no more OPERA, no more FEMALE EUROPEAN POLITICIANS THEY WANT TO SHAG. Apart from anything, it's bad form. A discourse should be inclusive.
I don't include Gorilla Bananas, because I love him. In a sisterly way.

:: Wendy :: said...

Mr. Bannanas wearing Marigolds would do the job nicely.

Can Bass 1 said...

But why, Ms Blue, why (would he want to stick the nozzle down his trousers)?

Kevin Musgrove said...

Perhaps to capture an errant ferret.

Gorilla Bananas said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
scarlet-blue said...

Mrs P: I apologise and will think ver hard before my next posting . . . are you going to let Mr Bananas get away with that?

Wendy: He does indeed look fetching in nothing but a pair of pink marigolds . . . I will send him over.

Mr Bass: It's the sort of thing blokes do . . . Beast will explain.

Kev: Yes, this is another good reason!

GB: So are you calling Mrs P old enough to be your mother then? Have you finished in the Bathroom? When you've done the kitchen floor then it's over to Wendy's sharpish . . .

Sx

Gorilla Bananas said...

What I meant to say, Mrs Pouncer, was that I love you in the way that a baby loves its pacifier.

A pacifier, Miss Scarlet, is usually younger than the baby it pacifies. And you'd better put on your stiletto heels before trying to boss me about.

Mrs Pouncer said...

What? What's he said? Git.
And the apology doesn't look very fulsome, either.

Dr Marooooooooooooooooooon! Save me from these barbs!

scarlet-blue said...

I think he might be comparing you to a dummy Mrs P . . . or a comfy old blanket . . .
Sx

BEAST said...

Mr Bass.....Mr dyson didn't go to all the trouble of inventing a flexible crevice tool , so that you could just sit there and not stick it down your trousers. Whatever next , Mrs Pouncer asking why oh why would one want to sit on the washing machine on fast spin ?
What are the youth of today coming to Miss Scarlet ???

scarlet-blue said...

Indeed Mr Beast, they have a lot to learn about the joys of domesticity . . .
Sx

Mrs Pouncer said...

Jesus. Right. Mr Gorilla Bananas, I won't be troubling you again. And let me tell you this: the minute, THE VERY MINUTE, Dr Maroon gets in from Kirkcudbright this evening, he will have some very harsh words for you all.
And Mr Beast, if you'd ever seen the beautiful film Deux ou Trois Choses Que je sais D'elle (Godard) then you would know why women of my vintage have no hesitation in hoisting themselves up onto the Hotpoint during the spin cycle. There was no alternative.

Gorilla Bananas said...

For heavens sake, Mrs Pouncer, the comment I deleted was not rude at all! There was simply a typographical error which I corrected in the second comment. Miss Scarlet is mischieviously goading you into an unnecessary huff with her cheeky cockney innuendoes. I said that I loved you and I meant it. What more can I do?

scarlet-blue said...

Perhaps you can help Mrs P with her hoisting Mr Bananas?

I'm off to chill with my Smeg . . .
Sx

EmmaK said...

Maybe the new Dyson will be good because the old one was just crap with a hefty price tag - do let me know when you test it

Dr Maroon said...

What can you do Mr Gorilla Bananas? Why don't we step outside for a moment and we'll discuss what you can do. You are not even the same species! No Clarissa, let me speak, I will not have Mrs Pouncer trifled with. Never. I never thought I'd live to say this but I fear your anthropological studies have lulled you into a certain freedom with your human cousins. Well I'm sorry, my oldest friend, but it must be back to the harem for you. Have a guava smoothie. You'll feel the better for it.


Scarlet, your item reminds me of a visit I undertook to our A&E not three months past. I was in my dressing gown climbing the stairs. My daily had left the vacuum running while she smoked out the window and as I passed it on the stair, I sliipped on a rollerskate, my gown fell open and i was drawn into the apparatus in an unfortunate way.
I awoke pre-theatre to hear the discussions of a concerned medical team. "never seen such damage" said one, "should that bit be hanging off like that?" asked another. "Which part should we operate on first? His dick or his smile?"
When I released myself, the first thing I did was throw that old upright Hoover Junior on the skip.
I sacked the Daily. Why buy a dog and bark oneself?

Mrs Pouncer said...

Dr Maroon, I simply don't know what I'd do without you. How can I thank you? Usual way? Just wait until I've finished this Tyrozet.

VE said...

You know if you fill your home with water it eliminates vacuuming entirely...

scarlet-blue said...

Emma: When I'm being environmentally friendly and I take my empty bottles to the dump . . . I have noticed a large pile of discarded Dysons - so you may have a point!

Dr Maroon: Thank Christ you are here! Be kind to Mr Bananas, I don't think he meant it really. Sorry to here about the accident is everything fully functional now?

VE: You may have a point and it'd give my goldfish the freedom to put their fins up, sit on the sofa and watch the telly.

Sx

:: Wendy :: said...

can we make that yellow marigolds, please.

I don't have any heels or vinyl dress, will a black and decker power-drill and dungarees surfice mr. GB?

scarlet-blue said...

Yes Wendy, I too have heard that Mr Bananas is good with his drill.
Sx

~Static~ said...

You're right. Men are useless with vacuums. I find it easier to pour lighter fluid all over the mess and toss in a lit match. Fire is very cleansing...

scarlet-blue said...

Hi Static . . . let's not do the holiday share thing, eh?
Sx

~Static~ said...

@Scarlett-Blue - Just as long as you don't make me do housework. =D

So... how are you otherwise?

scarlet-blue said...

Static@scarlet-blue!!!!

I'm fine, my electrical friend.

Sx

~Static~ said...

Um, well... good then... sorry scarlet-blue.

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

**Pours lighter fluid all over my posts and tosses in a lit match

POOF!

Grump said...

I love this blog found you via Gorilla bananas. I'm one of those rarities, a man who enjoys vacuuming. I have managed to avoid accessorizing when I use my Vax vacuum cleaner. I use just two attachments on my Wands. The hard/carpet floor head, also known as the 'Floor tool comb' and a smaller head I think it is designed for smaller floor areas, it works very well on my carpeted stair case.
Thanks for your great blog. I look forward to more visits.
Cheers Mark

scarlet-blue said...

Grump, or should I say Mark - a stray comment, and a very nice one, hiding on an older post!!! A very nice surprise.
Sx