Friday, 31 October 2008
I AM NOT GINGER.
P.S Happy Halloween etc, etc . . . don't step in a pumpkin and all that.
Tuesday, 28 October 2008
I’ve thought of a way for credit crunched advertisers to save money. Instead of fifty or sixty 30sec. ads between programmes; what if the advertisers all club together to make a commercial mini movie? Picture the scene: three exquisitely beautiful young executives [Molly, Mindy and Duncan] are chauffeur driven to their place of work in a Vauxhall Zafira. Before the working day begins in earnest, Molly and Mindy head off to the Ladies for a spot of gossip and to exchange tips on L’Oreal haircare and sanitary products.
“Have a happy period,” shouts Molly at the top of her voice, as she presses a gift wrapped ‘Always’ sanitary towel into Mindy’s sweaty palm. Mindy smiles and accepts the gift in a slightly overexcited manner.
By about 11am both women are sitting at their desks in their open plan office. Mindy is feeling a tad peckish but is fighting the temptation of a suggestive digestive.
“Here try these,” says Molly as she tosses a bag of Special K Mini Breaks over to Mindy.
“At only 100 calories a bag you can enjoy snacking,” she says helpfully.
Mindy scoffs the lot, leaving crumbs and bits of chewed up old oats all over the carpet. Meanwhile, Molly, the feistier of the two, is munching her way through a bag of Maltesers; at less than 190 calories they don’t leave her feeling naughty enough, so she turns to colleague Duncan and flashes her tits. Not to be outdone, Duncan discards all his clothes, drapes himself across Molly’s desk and makes her watch his Aero melt and bubble. Mindy tries not to notice, and pretends to get on with her work. She’s not really bothered because she’s enjoying the sensation of bumper cars buffeting in her S&M knickers.
At 4pm they all put their clothes back on and bugger off up the pub, leaving poor old Mr Dyson to clear up the chocolaty, biscuity mashed up mucky mess. Thankfully he is blessed with a long hosed flexi-crevice multi-purpose ‘suck-it-and-see’ attachment . . . and just as the last crumb shoots up his nozzle, the sensual voice-over finally whispers the all important strap-line, which is of course: ‘Sex Sells’.
Friday, 24 October 2008
1) According to my Mum, the first word I said was ‘Batman’.
2) This is the ringtone on my mobile phone:
3) This is one of my favourite pieces of art. ‘Can’t Play, Won’t play’ by Lucy Wood. It is a full sized trampoline, but made with glass instead of canvas.
4) People have referred to me as: ‘The Bouncing Bomb’; ‘Radar’ and ‘Duracell’
5) At present I am beside myself with excitement because the new zombie series ‘Dead Set’ begins on Monday on E4. This is Charlie Brooker’s first TV drama. He’s better known for his satirical show ‘Screenwipe’ [BBC3] and as a columnist in the Guardian. I love his writing. I love zombie films. I sometimes watch Big Brother. Even better, is that Davina McCall gets made into a zombie.
6) In damp conditions my hair goes a bit kinky. I am not a natural blonde.
Tag rules: Link to the person who tagged you. Post the rules on your blog. Write 6 random things about yourself. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted...
So I’d like to tag: Mrs P, Beasty, Wendy, Kevin, Ms Cakes, and Mr Gyppo
Thursday, 23 October 2008
Monday, 20 October 2008
This is Marks and Spencer trying to go down market in an effort to entice credit crunched consumers back into their food halls. I think they're shooting themselves in the foot - especially by asking Piers Morgan to do the voice over; like he's popular. When I first heard this advert I wasn't looking at the screen, so I thought it was an ad for Morrisons - what with Piers waxing lyrical about his wants and must haves: "I want my steak hot, red and raw and slapped across a sizzling griddle." He rasps - okay he doesn't quite say that, but I wish he would. Oh come on Marks and Sparks, what are you playing at? Where's the orgasmic fizz and the warm chocolate sauce being drizzled over steaming chocolate pudding (800 calories a shot). You're losing your appeal; too little S&M is making you look like Lidl . . . .
Anyhow, this is how it should be . . .
Wednesday, 15 October 2008
So here we have Betty and Lil. Betty, the 50yr old mother of three meets Lil for a pot of tea and a macaroon in a trendy new high rise bar somewhere near Haywards Heath. They grab a seat by the window and not before too long conversation inevitably turns to how wonderful Betty is looking. Lil rudely wonders aloud if Betty has had a ‘pull-back’.
“Are you kidding, at 50 I have my own lift expert.” Exclaims Betty, and she’s not talking ‘Stannah’. Apparently it’s all down to an anti-sagging system that involves hydraulic engineering, a bit of elastic, and a roll of sellotape. To be honest I think if you told Betty and Lil that the secret of eternal youth is to massage a mixture of boiled rabbit urine and toad faeces into their skin twice daily whilst holding their noses and gargling with putrid cockle juice . . . then they probably would.
Who am I kidding, I do use anti-aging products . . . I’m just trying to shore up any further slippage . . . I know I’m a mug for buying them . . . but . . . well, I’m vain . . . I know they don’t work really. In some ways I’m looking forward to getting older . . . I see it as a good excuse to develop my budding eccentricity; I’m planning to max out as many credit cards as I can, go on a World Cruise where I will dine with the Captain every night before playing Bingo; steal sweets from Woolworths, and buy even more hats and shoes. It’s going to be fun . . . and just imagine all those men in uniform chasing after me . . .
I must admit though, that Betty is looking rather good for her age . . . maybe it’s because she’s played by an actress who’s only 32 . . .
Saturday, 11 October 2008
Tuesday, 7 October 2008
The VO5 ‘Break the Mould’ campaign has been running for some time now. The latest ad in this series is set in an army camp where new recruits are having their heads shaved . . . . that is until the barber, Terry, is surreptitiously passed a pot of VO5 extreme styling crème. Terry studied ‘Directional Hair Design’ and ‘Pubic Topiary’ at Southend Tech; he had dreams of opening his own salon, until an unpleasant accident involving perming fluid, straightening irons and his Mum’s best friend, Pam, scuppered his plans. Pam still walks with a limp and can no longer wear shorts. To escape the ensuing controversy, Terry fled Southend to make a fresh start at the army recruitment centre in Mid-Glamorgan.
Terry, skilled in all things ‘hair’, realises that his job will be done much quicker, and he can be off up the pub much sooner, if he ditches the clippers and uses the styling crème instead. So now we are looking at a group of attractive young models with shaved heads, who are feeling a draught round their ears, and a group of attractive young models who’ve had their hair slightly ruffled. According to VO5, who know nothing of Terry’s tragic past, this vaguely ruffled look is called ‘extreme styling’ and it will set you apart from your peers because you have ‘broken the mould’ through its usage.
This is not ‘extreme styling’. Those of us who can remember ‘Hard as Rock’ hairspray know all there is to know about ‘extreme styling’. We used to impale pigeons and other small mammals on our spikes. It is worth mentioning, in these credit crunching times, that all you need for ‘extreme styling’ can be found in and around the home; avoid perming fluid and straightening irons, but try getting creative with food colouring, sugar water, egg white or that perennial favourite: spunk . . . . just don’t get caught in the rain . . . . and remember, true individuals wear hats.