Wednesday, 15 October 2008

Beauty is now and forever . . .

Personal Lift Expert from Nivea Visage




So here we have Betty and Lil. Betty, the 50yr old mother of three meets Lil for a pot of tea and a macaroon in a trendy new high rise bar somewhere near Haywards Heath. They grab a seat by the window and not before too long conversation inevitably turns to how wonderful Betty is looking. Lil rudely wonders aloud if Betty has had a ‘pull-back’.
“Are you kidding, at 50 I have my own lift expert.” Exclaims Betty, and she’s not talking ‘Stannah’. Apparently it’s all down to an anti-sagging system that involves hydraulic engineering, a bit of elastic, and a roll of sellotape. To be honest I think if you told Betty and Lil that the secret of eternal youth is to massage a mixture of boiled rabbit urine and toad faeces into their skin twice daily whilst holding their noses and gargling with putrid cockle juice . . . then they probably would.
Who am I kidding, I do use anti-aging products . . . I’m just trying to shore up any further slippage . . . I know I’m a mug for buying them . . . but . . . well, I’m vain . . . I know they don’t work really. In some ways I’m looking forward to getting older . . . I see it as a good excuse to develop my budding eccentricity; I’m planning to max out as many credit cards as I can, go on a World Cruise where I will dine with the Captain every night before playing Bingo; steal sweets from Woolworths, and buy even more hats and shoes. It’s going to be fun . . . and just imagine all those men in uniform chasing after me . . .
I must admit though, that Betty is looking rather good for her age . . . maybe it’s because she’s played by an actress who’s only 32 . . .

34 comments:

having my cake said...

Personally, I think these women should be holding their birth certificates and a sworn statement that no airbrushing has been involved in this commercial!

Truth is, if you smile, frown, smoke or generally move your face about in any way whatsoever, at some point you're going to get some wrinkles. All you can do is watch your diet, moisturise and massage and hope that nature is kind.

I alternate between Olay and Boots Protect and Perfect myself...

Gorilla Bananas said...

I'd make her swallow the cockle juice after gargling in it. I'm going to take you on that cruise, Miss Scarlet. You can do all the pranks, e.g. dying the captain's beard when he's asleep.

KAZ said...

In spite of Betty and Lil's advice, I'll stick with the balaclava and high wooly scarf this winter.

scarlet-blue said...

Cakes: I try, I've given up smoking etc, try to eat the right stuff . . . but I reckon these lines and crinkles give us character . . . that's what I keep telling myself . . .

GB Yep, that sounds fun! drinks and then pranks with the ship's captain! Bet you look great in a DJ.

Kaz I like the balaclava option. It's the sensible barrior method of beauty care.

Sx

BEAST said...

Great wodges of double chin cellotaped behind the ears a bulldock clip holding it all in at the back of the neck and hide the lot under a big hat with lots of fruit and dead animals on it

scarlet-blue said...

Yes Beast, that's my normal kit, but what should I do for an evening out?
Sx

:: Wendy :: said...

I'm an insensitivity freak! I genuinely want to look the age that I am...

Kate Lord Brown said...

Well a gal could go the Garbo route and just yank the short and curlies behind your ears and tie them round the back of your head (it works apparently, but brings tears to the eyes). Or we could try the Goldie Hawn/Meryl Streep option in 'Death Becomes Her' and sell all for eternal youth. Well that or a pot of Pond's cold cream.

scarlet-blue said...

Wendy, I reckon that whatever we do we always do look the age we are.

Kate, I love that film . . . I often think of it when I'm colouring my face in . . .

Sx

Glamourpuss said...

All those Nivea ads used to be made in Germany and redubbed here in the UK. But they're still shite.

Puss

scarlet-blue said...

Puss, the language they use in these face cream ads is getting more and more bizarre. I wonder who came up with 'anti-sagging system'?! They must have a right laugh making this stuff up.

PI said...

Genes is all. And don't smoke. And don't fret. And eat healthy. and it's a piece of cake - but don't eat it:)

inkspot said...

Without the sound it becomes a universal ode to Sapphism.

That was your point, wasn't it?

scarlet-blue said...

Pi, I'm doing my best, I've given up smoking, almost given up food - well that's what it feels like - I'm hoping I have good genes, and I'm definitely going to stop worrying because it does me no good . . .

Inkspot, Sweetheart, babes, love of my life etc . . . I think you have a wonderful imagination . . .

Sx

Mrs Pouncer said...

Scarlet, don't shower Inkspot with that sort of exaggerated blandishment. It only encourages him, and he doesn't deserve it. Remember what he said about us and our off-topic comments? You have a very short memory, I must say.
Obviously, I am pestered in the teeming streets of the Thames Valley by ugly strangers begging to know the secret of everlasting youth, but I will only share the mystery for a fee. Please contact me for full details. Love you, Clarissa xxxxxxxxx

scarlet-blue said...

I'm sorry Mrs P, but you know what a fickle trollope I can be sometimes . . . and to be honest he was far ruder to me than he was to you . . . but for the time being, he amuses, does he not?
Sx

inkspot said...

Oh god, Scarlet and Mrs P, fire and ice, ice and fire. How can I serve you both?

Mrs Pouncer said...

Darling Inkspot, we will find a way. I have an illustrated manual and Scarls is double jointed.

DONN COPPENS said...

The worst kept secret in the world is that your skin, the largest organ in your body, requires a daily intake of water to replenish the cells.

Our culture is insanely obssessed with aging..when I was a Teen the zeitgeist mantra was "never trust anyone over 30" and now that I'm 50, it's "never trust anyone over 50 who doesn't look like they are 30".

Now that Humans have managed to outlive their genetically mandated best before date we have designed all sorts of ways to justify our existence.

Personally, I am far more intrigued by middle aged women who are comfortable in their own skin...replete with laugh lines, curves, and yes, even a few wisps of grey.

My only consolation is that being in the middle of the Baby Boomers ('57) I know that the Ad Wizards and Marketing Demons will be catering to my cohorts until most of us drop dead...
which will be sometime around 2025..

what are ya gonna do eh?

Mrs Pouncer said...

Mr Coppens, what a monumental sense of outreach you bring to this flimsy discourse. I am so pleased to find you here.
Have you met Daphne Wayne-Bough? Cordially, CLdeM Pouncer

scarlet-blue said...

Hello Mr Coppens . . . Have you met Mrs Pouncer? I think you should . . .

Mrs P and Inky Indeed I'm very manual with my double joints . . .

Sx

scarlet-blue said...

Blimey, she beat me to it . . .

DONN COPPENS said...

My Dear Mrs Pouncer,
As a matter of fact I was visiting Daphne this very morning.

I find her to be charming, insanely delightful, and her postings are always, always, always, insightful and indescribably witty.

I was overwhelmed by your gracious and kind words and look forward to making your acquaintance.

Might I be so bold as to forewarn you that I am an adherent of Wilde's brilliant summation that "It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious."

I might add that my dear friend and alter ego, Lord Tennisanyone, who I seem to be channeling...and this would explain why I am talking like this..
anyway, I can tell that Lord T is going to adore you.

scarlet-blue said...

MrCoppens, I think you're going to charm the pants off Mrs P.
Sx

Jade of the Jungle said...

Ah, so this is where you live Scarlet Blue! Great blog.

All I can say about wrinkles is if we have the technology to put men on the moon, surely we are advanced enough as a race to invent a wrinkle cream that actually works! You'd think. C'mon boffins, get your priorities right.

Kevin Musgrove said...

The good lord had our well-being in mind when he made sure that the male tongue exactly fits the wrinkles a lady gets at the angle of her jaw once she passes 40.

scarlet-blue said...

Yes Jade, (and welcome!) as I've said before if all these creams worked then there would be no demand for botox or invasive surgery. Vaseline is probably as good as anything . . . and it's multi-purpose . . .

Kev, you've made me go all tickerlish now! Please put your tongue away . . . my God, I was just about to write something incredibly rude about my other flaps; thankfully I censored myself . . .

Sx

PI said...

Scarlet vaseline is good and I'm forever dabbing it hither and yon but IMO it is a tad heavy for one's most delicate part - one's face. That should be feather light.

Misssy M said...

Personally I'm bad for buying products, using them for a week, then forgetting about them and going back to my slovenly ways.

An expensive hobby, as well as an ineffective one. Best anti-aging advice I've ever heard?

"Smile!"

It works

Kevin Musgrove said...

Scarlet: I don't do envelopes! (-:

Dr Maroon said...

"...and she’s not talking ‘Stannah’"

I salute you.

Yerbut, I've seen this advert too, just last weekend in fact.
I was very doubtful too. If she's fifty, she's obviously done fuck all with her life. What a waste.
It must have taken Avon or whoever it is years and years to find a bona fide fifty year old who washes her face in dew on the first day of spring etc etc.

Dr Maroon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
~Static~ said...

I must say the womanly secret to beauty at any age is not simply gargling with putrid cockle juice, but bathing in GALLONS of it daily.

I see it as a good excuse to encourage their budding eccentricity. Tee hee!

"I feel witty. Oh, so witty.
I feel witty and creepy and right!

I feel pretty and witty and bright! And I pity any girl who isn't me tonight.

I feel charming, Oh, so charming It's alarming how charming I feel!

I Feel Witty and Pretty and... ... REALLY GAY!"

Oh, shit...wtf?

scarlet-blue said...

Pi No, it isn't wise to use vaseline on the eye area . . . other than on the eye lashes to stop them getting brittle. Yes I did used to do this. I know, very sad . . .

Hello Misssy, (and welcome), the best advice ever is to smile. And the creams don't work. My hunch is that on first application they give the impression of smoothing the skin out - but this is in no way permanent and it's a clever illusion.

Kev, I apologise. I forgot the proper use of tongues.

Dr Maroon . . .and you never know what's in the dew these days do you?

Static, The secret to eternal youth is smiling, laughing, vaseline and sex. I'm feeling very encouraged . . . not to use anti-aging creams . . .

SX