Tuesday, 28 October 2008

Dyson Does Dallas



I’ve thought of a way for credit crunched advertisers to save money. Instead of fifty or sixty 30sec. ads between programmes; what if the advertisers all club together to make a commercial mini movie? Picture the scene: three exquisitely beautiful young executives [Molly, Mindy and Duncan] are chauffeur driven to their place of work in a Vauxhall Zafira. Before the working day begins in earnest, Molly and Mindy head off to the Ladies for a spot of gossip and to exchange tips on L’Oreal haircare and sanitary products.
“Have a happy period,” shouts Molly at the top of her voice, as she presses a gift wrapped ‘Always’ sanitary towel into Mindy’s sweaty palm. Mindy smiles and accepts the gift in a slightly overexcited manner.
By about 11am both women are sitting at their desks in their open plan office. Mindy is feeling a tad peckish but is fighting the temptation of a suggestive digestive.
“Here try these,” says Molly as she tosses a bag of Special K Mini Breaks over to Mindy.
“At only 100 calories a bag you can enjoy snacking,” she says helpfully.
Mindy scoffs the lot, leaving crumbs and bits of chewed up old oats all over the carpet. Meanwhile, Molly, the feistier of the two, is munching her way through a bag of Maltesers; at less than 190 calories they don’t leave her feeling naughty enough, so she turns to colleague Duncan and flashes her tits. Not to be outdone, Duncan discards all his clothes, drapes himself across Molly’s desk and makes her watch his Aero melt and bubble. Mindy tries not to notice, and pretends to get on with her work. She’s not really bothered because she’s enjoying the sensation of bumper cars buffeting in her S&M knickers.
At 4pm they all put their clothes back on and bugger off up the pub, leaving poor old Mr Dyson to clear up the chocolaty, biscuity mashed up mucky mess. Thankfully he is blessed with a long hosed flexi-crevice multi-purpose ‘suck-it-and-see’ attachment . . . and just as the last crumb shoots up his nozzle, the sensual voice-over finally whispers the all important strap-line, which is of course: ‘Sex Sells’.

28 comments:

Donn Coppens said...

If Mr. Dyson has enough bloody free time on his hands to perfect the bloody vacuum he should damn well consider re-inventing sanitary devices...
perhaps a vortexual contraption that sucks and rolls about on little balls?
Got Happy Period?

Your observations are quite astute. I have little doubt that in a few short years commercials will switch places with the exasperatingly tedious televisual programming and take up 22 minutes of each half hour.

This will finally allow Television to slide off the deck of the Communications Titanic and enjoy it's just reward for having squandered it's true potential.
Rust In Peace.

scarlet-blue said...

I am working on the next episode as I type Mr Coppens, . . . something along the lines of 'The Day after Dyson' . . . an environmental sequel about what happens to people when they over use their crevices.

Your idea for a 'votexual contraption' has quite overwhelmed me . . . especially the rolling about on little balls bit . . .
Sx

Gorilla Bananas said...

The young fellow in the suit overreacted to the stimulus like a Pavlovian dog. In your mega-commercial, I would show him getting down on all fours and eating a bowl of Pedigree Chum.

Kate Lord Brown said...

If you're not already in advertising Miss Scarlet, you've missed your vocation. Send this post to Saatchi & Saatchi! Subliminal marketing also a possibility - nothing like a quick flash (how memorable is the hippo from the Rise & Fall of Reginald P for example).

KAZ said...

Methinks this is the way forward.
But maybe we need a little celebrity endorsement.
Perhaps 'man of the moment' Peter Mandelson could do a voice over for the S&M knickers.

BEAST said...

This is a real winner , I am eagerly awaiting the dyson colonic irrigation attachment .
Can you ensure you use Tena Lady 'Leakage every time you laugh or get a bit excited ' pads , they seem to be de rigour for any ad break these days

Ginro said...

How about some Happy Period cards too. Much like any other greetings card ... well you know what I mean.

MJ said...

I've yet to have a happy period.

They're all miserable and they make ME miserable.

So miserable in fact, that I am forced to rip out my uterus and fling it at Beast.


Oh, hello Donn and Kaz and Beast and Ginro. Fancy meeting YOU here!

scarlet-blue said...

GB: I'm not sure about the dog food; I can understand your creative direction, but seeing as this is a confectionary themed commercial, how about him getting on to all fours with a sherbet fountain?

Kate: I missed my true vocation didn't I? Maybe Saatchi and Saatchi will snap me up now; hopefully before somebody sues me.

Kaz: I'm going to come to you for suggestions in future! Peter Mandelson voice-over - and he could still be wearing his purple tank-top!

Beasty Ah Beasty, you'll gonna love 'The Day After Dyson', featuring: Tena Lady, Viagra and Anthea Turner.

Ginro: I will forgive you, but I have already done the 'Have a Happy Period' post, which did indeed involve greetings cards. Still, great minds think alike and all that.

MJ Hello MJ! I wondered why Beast was a funny colour. You have still to meet Mrs Pouncer. But she's quite shy.

Sx

PI said...

I agree with Kate.

scarlet-blue said...

Thank-you Pat, though I think I may have got carried away. I an now writing episode 12. A catchy title: 'From Here To Dyson'.
Help me someone . . . mutter, mutter, twitch . . .
Sx

Glamourpuss said...

You should sell that idea to Endemol. It's more imaginative that most of the shit they make.

Puss

Ginro said...

Oh bugger! And there was me thinking I was being bright, lol! I should have guessed though, as MJ has already pre-empted me on several things.

scarlet-blue said...

Problem is Puss, they'd probably buy it . . !

Ginro: It's always worth remembering that women are smarter than men . . .

Sx

Gadjo Dilo said...

I've no idea what's going on here (I'm unable to watch the video, which doesn't help), as I don't watch any UK television (or any at all much), though I do understand a bit about chocolate. Is Mr. Dyson the vacuum cleaner inventor?

scarlet-blue said...

I'm sorry Gadj, it's only a clip of two women eating maltesers and then one of them flashes her tits. But they are speaking esperanto, bizarre as that may seem. Mr Dyson is indeed a vacuum cleaner manufacturer. I told you that I was a one track telly freak! My next post may have more relevance for you.
Sx

savannah said...

product placement is what's driving the movie and television industry, sugar! get an agent to pitch your idea! xoxo

:: Wendy :: said...

Thankyou, your theme is going to keep me happily chukcly for hours ith thoughts such as:
You only live Dyson
Live and let Dyson
A Dyson full of solace

Kevin Musgrove said...

Good idea, though I can't help feeling you could shoe-horn one of Pele's viagra adverts into this. Especially if the male protagonist is already on all fours and frothing at the mouth. (I really do too much travelling on public transport).

scarlet-blue said...

Savannah: I know! many films seem to be made this way already. But I will phone my agent pronto.

Wendy: It's a very good game especially after you've had a few!There is also 'The Man with the Golden Dyson', 'Diamonds are for Dyson' and my personal favourite: 'Dysonpussy'.

Kev: Don't worry! I have viagra, sherbet fountains and public transport within my sights.

Sx

BEAST said...

Ooooh Oooh when is the next installment
***hopping about with excitement***

scarlet-blue said...

Soon Beasty, soon . . . of course it should have been 'Dysons are Forever' . . . not 'Diamonds are for Dysons' . . . but what the hell it seems to work either way!
Sx

M C Ward said...

Wayhey!

scarlet-blue said...

Indeed Mr Wardy!!
Sx

:: Wendy :: said...

assuming they continue to work, I'd vote for 'Dysons are forever..'

scarlet-blue said...

How about 'Dawn of the Dyson'?
Sx

Misssy M said...

Genuinely a good idea, and almost a return to soap operas of yore - where the drama was really all about sellign a product.

In the 1980s James Bond was really all about this too- things stopped when McDonalds wanted him to eat a Big Mac to recharge his batteries right after shagging some Bondgirl. They drew the line there.

scarlet-blue said...

Misssy: It's taken me ages to find your comment! I knew it was somewhere because of the moderation thingy... but it didn't tell me which post!
Thank-you!!
Sx