Tuesday, 11 November 2008

Here Come the Girls

‘Here come the girls...’ is the chant from the new Boots Christmas ad; it’s theme is to show how much better women are at organisation than men. And it looks like we’re back in the office again as we are shown a group of women in the advanced stages of ‘Secret Santa’; they’ve each pulled a colleague’s name out of a hat, and now they’re all stampeding, like a brightly coloured herd of cattle, to Boots to buy cheap and cheerful goodies for Christmas. One of the blokes in this ad is shown to be so incompetent and incapable that he is seen trying to wrap up his stapler as a gift. Part of me dislikes this ad because I think it encourages men to wallow in the myth that they are useless at choosing suitable gifts and therefore discourages them from putting any effort into doing any Christmas shopping. Basically women get lumbered with present finding. It’s not on. Being a man is not an excuse to be useless.
Anyhow, I like that this ad is set in an office, and I like the tune, but I think that Boots are missing out all the good bits that only happen at Christmas, so I suggest a ‘Here come the girls’ sequel. In the sequel, Boots join forces with the people who make the alcohol awareness information films, and together they show the true horrors that are unwrapped at the annual Christmas do.
Firstly there is always a weeping wailing woman who sobs into her soup for 3hrs, making horrible stains across the table cloth. In a drunken stupor she confesses, loudly, that she has been sleeping with the Group Operations Director for the last 3 months, but now he’s dumped her for the bright and shiny, brand new 18yr old receptionist . . .
Then there’s the couple who’ve been winding each other up into a sexual frenzy throughout the year with frustrated fumblings and seductive teasing. At the Christmas party they cross the line of no return resulting in ripped shirts, laddered tights and lost knickers. The next day he brags and she denies. It takes another 6 months of meaningful glances and breathy tension before they do the exact same thing at the company cheese and wine soiree. Eventually they get married. And buy a bungalow.
Finally there’s the drunken blonde floosey, whose party piece is to snog everyone under the mistletoe and declare undying love, forever and ever, to anyone who’ll listen. She then takes it upon herself to entertain her colleagues by scrambling, unassisted, onto the table to belt out a rousing chorus of ‘I Will Survive’, just before flashing her tits at her boss and throwing up into his lap . . .
Oops.

46 comments:

librarylizzie said...

Dear God, Ms. S...have you been spying on me at christmas?

BEAST said...

Miss Scarlet , your sequel sounds fantastic.....you have missed your vocation :-)

Gorilla Bananas said...

I don't believe you're anything like that blond floozy, Miss Scarlet. You would never have sung 'I Will Survive' in front of all those people.

CyberPete said...

Sounds like a universal Christmas party manual. Except there is always the naughty photocopies on the following Monday.

CyberPete said...

"so that's where Jenny from marketing disappeared to"

Famulus said...

I'd watch that advert, for sure. :-)

inkspot said...

FFS, why am I useless then?

Right, welding torches all around for Christmas.

PI said...

As someone once said: 'Not those tired old tits again!'
Re men - I'd forgive them anything if just once they cleaned the loo.

Crabtree said...

Ouch ! After Pi, I can say that I do not feel useless, the toilets (WC) are proprettes and the lowered flap (after!!)
Side gifts, always wise ! To The devil miserliness, and the stingy ones !

Grump said...

I do think you are the floozy on the table. I hope you misbehave this Christmas and tell us all the gossip.
I don't do xmas shopping but I do clean the loo.
Woof x

MJ said...

Was that a unibrow in the crowd?

Anyway, I've been known to scramble, unassisted, onto the table to belt out a rousing chorus of ‘I Will Survive’...

but it was to a group of gay men.

Applause all round.

scarlet-blue said...

Lizzie: Yep! And it's probably all on CCTV as well...

Beasty: I know! I should have been an X factor finalist with my vocals and my tits... oh, you meant writing sequels didn't you...?

Mr GB: Okay, you're right... it was 'My Way' closely followed by 'New York, New York'... Sorry GB...

Pete: Christmas wouldn't be quite the same without making a tit of yourself, would it?
And yes, I forgot the photocopier scene didn't I?!

Famulus: Would you like to be in the advert?

Mr Inkspot: You are an intelligent and well educated gentlemen.. so put your brains to good use and do some proper shopping... welding torches indeed...

Pat: Ah, but I might get some new tits for Christmas.... ;o)

Bonjour Crabtree:Je ne suis jamais radin et je toujours rappeler me mettre la place de toilette!
I'm never stingy and I always to remember to put the toilet seat down!

Grump: Well, put the loo brush down and get yourself to the shops and join in the commercial frenzy. I spelt Floozy wrong didn't I?

MJ: Yep, that was a unibrow! 'I will Survive', is sung universally by people who've scrambled unassisted onto tables. Perhaps we should all get together and make an album...

Sx

Famulus said...

Scarlet: YES PLEASE...

And for the record I can:

1) Clean toilets; but only just before or after I use them...

2) Iron. I seem to do pretty much all the ironing now. Very soon I shall definately do all my ironing...

3) Use a photocopier. In a variety of positions too...

However, I cannot:

1) Sing. Just don't go there.

2) Dance.

3) Shop. Not by the female definition anyway... When I do it I just buy stuff.

KAZ said...

Of all these scary scenarios - the bungalow is the most terrifying bit.

Glamourpuss said...

You sequel should be directed by Peter Greenaway for that extra frisson.

Puss

Famulus said...

If Peter Greenaway is going to direct it, then I'll pay to be in it...

Can it be made to the tune of Angel Fish Decay?

Gyppo Byard said...

Why do such things never happen at the places I work?

First workplace - a museum, where I was assitant curator. There was only one other staff member (the curator) and he was Jewish.

Second workplace - a TEFL school with hundreds of tutors, all of whome were counted as self-employed and worked in their own homes. No parties.

Third workplace - a Jesuit college, where Christmas involved Mass and the nearest thing to a blonde floozy was a 50-something nun.

Fourth workplace - my current. We have a civilised and relatively sober team dinner, but no hanky-panky is involved. At least, not before I leave...

Word verification - decula, Latin for a group of 10 spatulas.

Mrs Pouncer said...

Gyppo, you're in the wrong team.
My daughter, Joybells, worked there before absconding to a commercial broadcaster and, oh dear me. There is some photographic evidence a mother should never see. Also, if I may be cryptic, I have reason to believe that you and Boyo know one of the young women in the pictorial selection that was marked "Maraschino".

Jade of the Jungle said...

Oh I do love office Christmas parties though lets not forget the boys fare just as badly. Last year one of our head honchos tore off his shirt and started whipping other people across the buttocks with it (married, 2 kids. I'm not sure if they've seen the photos), and another senior fellow was dancing so frantically with limbs akimbo (unmarried, not surprisingly) he knocked out the lady next to him and gave her a bloody nose.

I am very much looking forward to the festive season though sadly due to cutbacks our "Xmas" party isn't until January.

scarlet-blue said...

Famulus: Blimey! What am I going to do with you? Have you tried internet shopping? And please can you put up an MP3 of your song and dance routine... Peter Greenaway IS interested.

Kaz: I've got a thing about bungalows... and beach huts... one day I will have one...

Puss: An excellent and exciting idea! 'The Postboy, the Chairman, His receptionist & Her photocopier'! Famulus is up for being The Postboy...

Mr Gyppo: Ahhh, Mr Gyppo... that's not fair... but what is this cryptic pictorial selection marked "Maraschino"?
A company I worked for once hired The Natural History Museum for a party - after my time though - but I heard about it!

Mrs P: No need to be cryptic? Spill!

Jade: Office party dancing and men stripping off and pretending they're the stars of 'The Full Monty'- that's a whole new post!
Yes, and it's usually the men who get amorous with the photo-copier as well...

Sx

KAZ said...

Hmmm: Bungalow?
I saw you more as an aspiring penthouse dweller.
Beach hut's OK - like playing house for grown ups.

EmmaK said...

Personally I think the EU should ban Christmas dos, as you say, no good has ever come of them. Putting 200 people in a room together who have nothing in common other than they work together and pumping them full of foul vol au vents and cheap liquor tends to end with the equivalent of an emotional and physical volcano of spite, vomit and on occasion, out of control sex in the stationary cupboards.

Famulus said...

I'm hoping that if I go to enough Christmas parties I will eventually find out how to get involved in the out of control sex in the stationary cupboards.

Until now it has constantly evaded me. :-(

Mrs Pouncer said...

Thank the Lord that the cupboards are stationary. Imagine if they were rocking about.
Sorry, I am a bit huffy this a'noon.

scarlet-blue said...

Kaz: I'm sorry, I'm letting the side down with the Bungalow thing aren't I? But they fascinate me.

Emma: I've been privileged to attend some very upmarket do's in my time... but I made sure I lowered the tone.

Famulus: You might have better luck in the stationery cupboard.

Mrs P: Why are you huffy this afternoon? Do you know what Famulus was going on about on his blog? He had me quite worried.

Sx

Kevin Musgrove said...

I generally avoid our works Christmas do's (in the plural because each faction has a do)(which may be a clue as to why I try to avoid them).

acibist someone who takes two needles into the shower

Kate Lord Brown said...

Makes you glad to work from home Miss Scarlet. As an 18 year old temp had to attend not one but several works parties one year ... the words 'Chris Finch' sum up the horror (there is one sharking in every Office pool isn't there?) x

Mr Coppens said...

My Word!
Must we rush like Lemmings into the Seasonal fog when Yule log off your blog to gulp nog and snog frogs?

Humbuggery you say?!
I am so still so mad at Constantine for abandoning a perfectly satisfactory, virginally born, son-god like Mithras, and purposely upstaging his celebration by declaring December 25th as the birthday of another son-god.
Honestly.

AND yes I know that Mr Disney's film crew forced those dear little Lemmings over the cliff ((audible gasp)) and to think that he was rewarded for such cruelty with an Oscar?

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

I need a stapler.

scarlet-blue said...

Kev: No argy bargy in cupboards or cabinets then?
Why would anyone take two needles into a shower?

Kate: Yes!! We had a Finchy... actually we had more than one...

Mr Coppens: Oh come 'ere and giv'us a kiss.. HAPPY CHRISTMAS!!

Daphne: I think you've come to the right place. Mr Inkspot probably does a good line in staplers ... and welding torches...

Sx

CyberPete said...

Absolutely!

I have a Christmas party coming up on the 28th

:: Wendy :: said...

On planet Wendy shopping is never a legitimate conversation topic or favoured passtime by anyone.

Kevin Musgrove said...

One of our factions has their Christmas do in February because that's when they can all get together at a price they want to afford.

scarlet-blue said...

Wendy: I'm a lone shopper, I wouldn't shop in a pack... this more to do with me getting lost and left behind though...

Kev: I've been to a Christmas party in June before. The Christmas party was postponed because of too much work...

Sx

scarlet-blue said...

Sorry Pete, didn't see you there... Can I come.. I'm a hoot...
Sx

CyberPete said...

You can totally come.

Will you be trying to stop me from or cheer me on photocopying my arse?

BEAST said...

***wondersif CyberP has to use A3 sized paper ***

scarlet-blue said...

Pete: Well, if we're using A3 paper, then there will be plenty of room on the photo-copier for us both.

Now, now Beasty, I'm quite convinced that Pete has a pert peach of a bum...

Sx

Misssy M said...

I dread the office party so much that I actually went freelance to avoid it. However, I work mainly for one client and they invite me to their do. I went last year and I just don't drink as much as everybody else (effecitvely I stop drinking when champagne runs out, darling) and can't cope when I burst into loos to find two folk getting it on, or have to fight the MD off with a tazer. I think I might have got out of it this year, but people are already making noises about my refusal....

Oh and it's an overnight stay job as well, so you can imagine the shananigans...ew.

Famulus said...

Ah, yes. I'm a freelancer too and have probably missed 90% of the Christmas parties for this reason. That'd be why I never find myself in a compromising position in the cupboard / gents / ladies / under the photocopier.

Mind you, the Europeans don't seem to do Christmas parties like us Brits anyway...

Maybe next year.

MJ said...

I'm not convinced that CyberPoof has a pert bottom.

scarlet-blue said...

Misssy: Overnight shananigans eh? Yes, I've been to a few of them in my time... the mornings aren't pretty and breakfast is a tad on the quiet side. Sausages should be avoided.

Famulus: Shall we have a do round your place? You supply the food and I'll supply the photocopier... and I do know a few friendly cupboards...

MJ: But just look at him, he is so cute...

Right, I'm knackered, I've had a brilliant day and I might be a little squiffy but I just want to say that I love everybody... forever and ever... and ever... please make me take off my mascara before I go to bed.... mutter... mutter... stumble... splat...

Sx

Famulus said...

Scarlet: Everyone is more than welcome to come on over and party...

Today I rented a flat in Amsterdam to stay in for the next 6 months. It's tiny (it could almost BE the stationary cupboard of my dreams) but I say we go for it...

scarlet-blue said...

PARTY PARTY AT FAMMY'S PLACE!!!!!!
Sx

scarlet-blue said...

I really am going to bed now.
Sx

Susan said...

"Being a man is not an excuse to be useless."
I am making that into my Christmas card this year.