Friday, 30 January 2009


There's been a letter meme doing the rounds. So far I have collected 4 letters, FUCX, from Pete, Mr Swings and christ knows where else. I haven't got a clue what I'm supposed to do with these letters, so I'm going to write a list of favourite things that may or may not relate to each letter.

The F Words

I like everything French; French food; French Fancies; French films; French letters; and especially...

I'm also partial to the odd fish finger or two.

The U Words

I like Udders; Umbrellas; Uncorking; Undergrowth; Undergarments - Sometimes all at once.

The C Words

I like curiosity. It's good to be curious. And also courteous. Cigarillos are glamorous; so are corsets. And I also like Champagne, which is also French.

The X Words

Curiosity draws me to all things X-rated, such as X-rated blogs with content warnings, and banned videos [be warned, this is the banned version]

...I also quite like the X-Factor... and Xerox machines and xenogamy...
So that's that then.

Tuesday, 27 January 2009

A Public Information Film

The UK Government is always thinking of new ways to promote the health of the nation; they don't want us to get fat or die prematurely. Recently they provided us with this handy step by step guide to help us all stay fit and well.

Comfy buses? Where?

Anyhow, rumour has it, that the government are now working on a new guide to help us get through the recession. The catchy tag-line for this will be: Save more. Spend Less.

Sunday, 25 January 2009

A Call of Nature... [Jukebox Monday]

I saw a man relieving himself in a bush today. I was taken by surprise as he'd parked his 4x4 on a bend and I nearly crashed into him. Anyhow, this got me pondering; perhaps car manufacturers could think about 'in-car' toilet facilities, I mean they could just pop it under a seat couldn't they?
And quite frankly I don't really want to watch the boys go by if they're all piddling into bushes...

Thursday, 22 January 2009

A Commercial Break

Things happen after a Fish Finger. You can taste the trouble they take. I have birdflu, so I'm not making much sense... obviously a lot worse than manflu. What is the mark of a man? I am delirious with fever.


Tuesday, 20 January 2009

Nice 'n Easy

Here we see Louise, she’s been feeling a little bit dowdy lately having recently been dumped by her boyfriend; for the past week she’s been holed up in her bedroom scoffing chocolate and peanut butter sandwiches. She’s also been devouring self-help books, her two favourites being, ‘How To Get More Than Even’ and ‘Men Are From An Entirely Different Planet Altogether’. To cheer herself up and to help her face the world again, Louise has decided that she needs a make-over. It takes three hours, three boxes of Nice'n Easy Natural Baby Blonde, and four ruined towels to turn Louise’s mousy brown locks into a brillo pad of ginger. Louise sobs, wishing she’d followed the instructions on the box and done the strand test first [but who ever does?]. She spends the rest of the evening drinking neat gin and avoiding her reflection in the mirror. In the morning she awakes, still slightly sloshed, but she remembers that her Dad keeps a selection of wigs in his dressing up box. She chooses ‘The Cher’, in natural nylon - it’s bright red, but what the heck it’s better than the ginger brillo. She tops off her new look with a pink crochet beret. Feeling a shade braver she heads out the door to the local friendly salon, hoping against hope that they can fix the damage; on her way she passes the shoe shop and she is transfixed by a pair of red stilettos, but there, looming behind the display, is Catty Mean-Mouth-Bitch-Face [the last person you want to see when you’re feeling less than your best]. Louise, still somewhat fuelled with the gin, whips off her beret and tosses her nylon cherry red hair; she struts into the shop and she buys those shoes [go girl]. We watch her striding up the High Street to the salon like a graceful 7ft pillar box, towering over all other pedestrians.
At the salon, Terry who studied ‘Directional Hair Design’ and ‘Pubic Topiary’ at Southend Tech, transforms her matted brush of ginger into a halo of golden blonde [amazing what can be achieved with industrial bleach, hair straighteners, and a pot of VO5]. Louise smiles at her reflection in the mirror and in this moment she realises that life is never Nice'n Easy; Louise smiles at Terry, and resolves that as a blonde she’s going to be easy'n nice . . .

Sunday, 18 January 2009

Jukebox Monday [Yep..early...]

As I mentioned Mr Gadj and Mr Gyppo have been having some sort of weird competition to find the most interesting cover version of a well known song. Well, thanks to Betty I can now enter the competition, as she has introduced me to Mrs Miller... See, girls do better covers...

But boys always work it out...

Friday, 16 January 2009

What a Week!

Well it's been a bit of a week. Many of us are on tenterhooks waiting for Mrs P's response to my fitting tribute, and her acceptance of the Freedom of Datchet. Whilst we've been waiting, Mr Gadj and Mr Gyppo have been having some sort of weird competition to find the most interesting cover version of a well known song. Sorry Gadj, but I was swayed by Gyppo's Frank Bennett doing Radiohead...
If this isn't enough Mr Beastie has come down with the lurgy again and MJ has been fiddling with a cue stick and snooker balls [not for the faint hearted]...
And tomorrow is a celebration because it's Emappeal's birthday...

Apparently it's going to be gusty in the UK tomorrow, so I'm going to have a windy bush. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Thursday, 15 January 2009

Scarlet's Bush

I have recieved a letter from the council regarding the state of my bush; apparently it's spreading into the road and is causing a hazard. Well, it's been a little chilly of late and I've been a little lapse with my landscaping, plus there's been a dearth of visitors - so why bother? Anyhow, it seems a neighbour has complained and wants my bush seen to as soon as poss [best offer I've had in ages] and I have 14 days to sort myself out or 'Action will be taken' [two offers in one day].
Sigh, I apologise for my unruly bush and I'm sorry that it's caused offence, but I hate the sound of trimmers - it puts my teeth on edge and there's only so much I can do with a pair of nail scissors . . .
Deary me; perhaps I should start a campaign . . . something on the lines of 'Save Scarlet's Bush Now!'.

What d'ya reckon?

***UPDATE*** 17.03 GMT : The general consensus appears to be that the bush should be removed on Tuesday. Crikey . . . it's a political minefield out there . . .

Tuesday, 13 January 2009

Jukebox Monday [A bit late]

I'm running a bit late...
Anyhow first off is something for Mr Beastie who is having trouble with his bottom. And Watermelons... it never rains but it pours...

And this is for me and Mr Coppens because we are both fans...

And now I need another lay down/lie down, whatever, it involves me being horizontal on something soft yet firm...

Sunday, 11 January 2009

A Fitting Tribute

I've been asked to write a fitting tribute... okay then.
She comes... she goes, she comes back... she goes again... hopefully this time she's back for good. Who am I talking about? Mrs P of course. Today's post is a moving tribute to Clara Pouncer who lives in a flat above Mr Wong's Wok Shop in Reading High Street, and don't let her tell you otherwise. She's also a bit brainy. One of my favourite interactions with Mrs P was on The Japing Ape, 10th November 2008 [Islandic Saga] and went as follows:-

Mrs P: Imps! I KNEW there was another species, just couldn't think of the name. You can still buy Imps (the anti-catarrh lozenges) and also Meloids, much beloved of amateur operatic societies. What you can't get, however, is Nigroids, which were much stronger. Do you remember their catchy slogan: Try Sucking a Nigroid? They disappeared sometime in the 1980s.
No sign of Thermogene these days, either. And the bottom seems to have dropped out of the liver salts market.

Scarlet-Blue: Nigroids had a laxative effect, so inadvisible to suck more than ten at a time.

Mrs P: Good heavens, I was wrong. Still available! See they've dropped the slogan, though. Pity. I wonder whether you can still get Quilly's? There was really nothing better.

Scarlet-Blue: ...As advertised by Sir Norman Tonsil and Mike Hunt, Mrs P? No, I don't think you can suck Quilly's any more.

Gadj: Ah, I seem to remember the late Sir Humphrey Lyttelton exorting us to suck Quillys, or was it a Fisherman's Friend. In this politically correct age, though, sucking a Nigroid would result in you getting an earful.

And now for a carefully selected selection of her favourite video clips....

And... erm... finally this one.... indeed...

And to continue in the spirit of all things Mrs P, please make all comments as random and as off-topic as possible...

*Don't know why I was asked to do the fitting tribute... I'm the only poor bugger she hasn't resumed following since she came back... wanders off muttering....

Friday, 9 January 2009

Big Brother - A Reversal

World events? Political stuff? Recession? It's all pretty dire. Is there any good news? I have been asked how I would sort it all out. Christ knows. But perhaps I would put all the world leaders in the Big Brother house so that we good keep an eye on them; perhaps put Gok Wan in there with them so he could teach them all how to look good naked. At least they could entertain us, if nothing else, whilst we shudder over our heating bills.
There are no good ads on TV. I take this as another bad sign...
Anyhow, whilst I was musing on world peace and such like, I stumbled across this video on Youtube. Personally I was a little transfixed by the lead singer's trousers... well it took my mind off other things...

Wednesday, 7 January 2009

Here Today, Goo Tomorrow

It's New Year, so that can mean only one thing - yes, it will soon be Easter...

I love this new ad by Saatchi and Saatchi, it is art of the highest order. Here we see a box of Cadbury's Creme Eggs sitting in a classroom learning how to be eggs and how to dispense their goo. It's like some kind of sex education class where the boys are twitching under their desks and blushing at the mention of wet dreams; they are quickly out of their desks and off to practice. Goo indeed. And messy sheets.
I like Cadbury's Creme Eggs, but they are technically very difficult to dunk in tea without making a horrible mess in the bottom of the mug. Sometimes I have dissolved whole eggs this way. Do not despair if this happens to you; the goo can be spooned out and is still very tasty - just remember to wear a bib first. And don't do it on the train...

Many thanks for all the kind comments; I am feeling rested, almost fully inflated and much better.

Tuesday, 6 January 2009


There is only so much you can do with a foot-pump and a puncture repair kit...

I am away for necessary repairs....

Sunday, 4 January 2009

Jukebox Monday [a little bit early]

Actually I started New Year with a drunken man in a Santa Claus costume giving me a fish kiss [I had my mouth tightly shut whilst his was optimistically open]. It wasn't the best way to start the year. Is it a sign of things to come? Or not to come? Why couldn't the man dressed as a fireman tried the same thing? Or possibly the Gladiator - he had a big sword. Why? Sorry, I'm a bit whiny, I am poorly as a result of all this overindulgence. And I have a cold. A proper one, not 'man-flu'.
Anyhow, there is no way I'm going to be out of bed to post a Jukebox tomorrow morning, so here goes... Wake up Scarlet...

Thursday, 1 January 2009


. . . and I started this year as a banana . . . I think I ought to lay down . . . what day is it?