Tuesday, 20 January 2009

Nice 'n Easy



Here we see Louise, she’s been feeling a little bit dowdy lately having recently been dumped by her boyfriend; for the past week she’s been holed up in her bedroom scoffing chocolate and peanut butter sandwiches. She’s also been devouring self-help books, her two favourites being, ‘How To Get More Than Even’ and ‘Men Are From An Entirely Different Planet Altogether’. To cheer herself up and to help her face the world again, Louise has decided that she needs a make-over. It takes three hours, three boxes of Nice'n Easy Natural Baby Blonde, and four ruined towels to turn Louise’s mousy brown locks into a brillo pad of ginger. Louise sobs, wishing she’d followed the instructions on the box and done the strand test first [but who ever does?]. She spends the rest of the evening drinking neat gin and avoiding her reflection in the mirror. In the morning she awakes, still slightly sloshed, but she remembers that her Dad keeps a selection of wigs in his dressing up box. She chooses ‘The Cher’, in natural nylon - it’s bright red, but what the heck it’s better than the ginger brillo. She tops off her new look with a pink crochet beret. Feeling a shade braver she heads out the door to the local friendly salon, hoping against hope that they can fix the damage; on her way she passes the shoe shop and she is transfixed by a pair of red stilettos, but there, looming behind the display, is Catty Mean-Mouth-Bitch-Face [the last person you want to see when you’re feeling less than your best]. Louise, still somewhat fuelled with the gin, whips off her beret and tosses her nylon cherry red hair; she struts into the shop and she buys those shoes [go girl]. We watch her striding up the High Street to the salon like a graceful 7ft pillar box, towering over all other pedestrians.
At the salon, Terry who studied ‘Directional Hair Design’ and ‘Pubic Topiary’ at Southend Tech, transforms her matted brush of ginger into a halo of golden blonde [amazing what can be achieved with industrial bleach, hair straighteners, and a pot of VO5]. Louise smiles at her reflection in the mirror and in this moment she realises that life is never Nice'n Easy; Louise smiles at Terry, and resolves that as a blonde she’s going to be easy'n nice . . .

37 comments:

Madame DeFarge said...

Speaking as someone of a more titian hue, I scoff at the metallic scarlet there on display. I object to the gratuitous hijacking of a variation of a noble hair colour for cheap and tawdry advertising purposes. We are worth more than this and must rise above it. But maybe I should meet Terry. He sounds the man to tame my tresses.

Kevin Musgrove said...

Yeah, but if she takes off her beret and tosses her hair again, most of it will end up on the pavement.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Dear me, she's not got much meat on her, has she? Less dye, more food and maybe she wouldn't get dirty looks from Ms Sour Face.

PI said...

I thought it was real hair. Looked gorgeous with the pale pink.

scarlet-blue said...

Madame D: Terry is a very nice chap, and you can also find him Here
Just don't let him practice his waxing technique...

Kev It has been known Kev... I think she's also wearing Body-Form... she'll be roller-skating next and playing volley ball...

Mr Bananas I know that a kind gent like you would take her out for a slap up meal and you'd sort Catty Bitch-Face out...

Sx

scarlet-blue said...

Pat: No Pat... definitely natural nylon.... though it did look lovely with the knitwear.
Sx

xl said...

I think Clairol may have been dizzy from the Nice'n Easy fumes when they selected that tune. The first line of the song is "Her hair is Harlow gold!"

savannah said...

i liked your story better than the video, darlin! ;) (thank goodness for naturly curly hair!)

Eryl Shields said...

I definitely liked your story better than the video, I'm only hoping Louise doesn't go bald!

eroswings said...

I luv the red, high class whore hair! They match the hooker heels! But I misread the advertisement as be a shade beaver. Which reminds me, did Louise match the carpet to the new drapes from Terry?

MJ said...

The red slut shoes are MINE!

*grabs them and runs before CyberPoof can get his mitts on them*

Captain Smack said...

Why is it not normal for women to just wear wigs? Considering that they've mastered every other technique of altering their looks, you'd think that every woman would have, like, 8 wigs. Get some variety going, know what I mean?

Gadjo Dilo said...

Yeah, wigs should make a come-back, if only for dads!

MJ said...

What does Beast use to colour his merkin?

CyberPete said...

I may not be nice but I am easy kind of like MJ.

Now I don't have to see the advert because it can't be anywhere near as good as your story. Thanks!

Dave said...

Womn who tower over me, like she does, are terrifying, whatever colour their hair is.

scarlet-blue said...

I will be back to answer all comments later... I'm.. er... just nipping to the hairdresser's...
Sx

CyberPete said...

The blue tint you applied yourself didn't take?

KAZ said...

I'll take the hair and the gin - but pass on the shoes.

scarlet-blue said...

Mr XL: It is a bizarre choice of tune as it goes on about making a 'pro blush'... very odd...

Savannah: Thank you Savannah... my hair isn't naturally anything...

Eryl: Well, if she does go bald she can always raid her Dad's dressing up box again and perhaps try the green 'Cleopatra'.

Mr Swings: Bugger... why didn't I think of the beaver...?
Probably best not to let Terry near her carpet... [see the above link to Madame Defarge]

MJ:Pete is pretending not to notice the shoes...

Mr Smack: I'm all for wigs and hats... But they can fall off at the most inopportune moments... for example, when pogo sticking or trampolining.

Gadj: Wigs should make a comeback... especially for Dads. Hat-boxes should also make a comeback. Because I like hat-boxes.

MJ: Beast uses natural food colouring to tint his merkin and a specially designed Dyson attachment to make it extra fluffy...

Pete: Thank you Pete! You are nice.. and there's nothing wrong with being easy.

Dave: Yes, I also find tall wombles intimidating.

Pete: What was I saying about you being nice....?? Blue tint indeed...mutter, mutter...

Kaz: Quite right! Us short-arses look a bit wrong in very high heels. We totter like Barbara Windsor... not a good look.

Sx

CyberPete said...

Oh yes of course!

With the blue tinted hair comes the muttering.

Fancy a polo mint?

Geoff said...

Bette Davis' Eyes should really be for contact lenses.

Crabtree said...

Hunt the natural one it will come back to the gallop !!

EmmaK said...

ha ha, yeah, home hair dying ...what a joke ...the only thing it stains is 1. the sink 2. towels 3. carpet 4. your forehead in a big red stain as well as 5. stinking of cats piss. I prefer to shell out the $60 at the hairdressers myself.

:: Wendy :: said...

Gosh, just think if the world worked like this advert then sales staff could train in making bitch-eyes at their customers to increase sales. Wacky. ...

scarlet-blue said...

Pete: ...and sadly a vigorous interest in knitting patterns. Don't you have any boiled sweets?

Geoff: ...and Specsavers...

Crabtree: Jamais une bonne idée de chasser le plus anormal.
Never a good idea to hunt the unnatural ones.

Emma: Going to the hairdressers is a lot less agony and proves cost effective in the long term. Home dye kits... I've ruined carpets, towels, my hair, and a radiator.

Wendy: Quite frankly, this advert doesn't work on so many levels...

Sx

BEAST said...

My Merkin is made of astro turf (Hard wearing) so is naturally green .
Loiuse looks a right twit prancing along in those shoes flicking the cherry nylon , Hopefully Terry will twirl his moustache and put it all right

scarlet-blue said...

Mr Beastie: I imagine the Green Merkin looks most attractive with the carefully arranged bananas... very tropical...
Sx

CyberPete said...

Sorry. I do have a bag of Werthers Echte original hard toffees

inkspot said...

What IS she griping about? She's got those shoes! Look, I'm straight (really, I am, I only ever go for boys if they're pretty) and even I can see they're fabulous.

Kevin Musgrove said...

The poor girl's problem is that the static in the nylon is knocking out her sense of balance.

scarlet-blue said...

Pete: Actually Pete, I'd like something to suck on.

Mr Inky-Winky-Snuggle-Buns: Well.. I'm sure we can find you a nice pair of shoes that are very similar if we look on the internet... Just don't be giving them to Mrs P. She has corns.

Kev: Considering the gin, the wig, and the beret... she probably has a bit of a headache as well.

Sx

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

"Subtle tones" - ouahahahahah! That's what in certain parts of Ealing is known as "Polish red".

Dave said...

I was about to post something which could unfortunately have been taken as a double entendre, and that would never do.

I will content myself with saying that when that advert came on last night, I looked at it in a new light. I see it banishes grey hair too. I'm not sure, though, that red will suit my beard.

CyberPete said...

Oh but Miss Scarlett!

*blush*

I think you should direct your attention elsewhere for that, but I appreciate the offer.

Mrs Pouncer said...

Fuck off, Scarls, you git! You are confusing me with the gorgeous old harridan; you know, the one with stegasaurus feet. Inky, you know what suits me.

scarlet-blue said...

Daphne: Yep, it makes you wonder what their brighter tones are like...

Dave: Every shade I've ever used is a variant of orange. Stay grey Dave... don't risk it... or you'll end up looking like you've dribbled tomato soup in your beard.

Pete: Sorry Pete, worth a try...

Mrs P: Sorry Mrs P, thought you were off frolicking in the snow somewhere? Tsk. You have the pickled sea cucumber and I'll have the shoes...

Sx