Thursday, 12 February 2009

All Because the Lady Loves...



Some women have it all. They spend their days reclining on DFS sofas in their M&S undies and use an array L’Oreal anti-ageing products. If that isn’t enough, they also have blokes dropping at their feet. One such woman is Debbie Von Arlington-Grange who lives in six bedroom neo-Georgian barn conversion, known as ‘Rose Cottage’, just down wind of the Dartford tunnel. She also has a luxury yacht called The Damson Dolly moored at Dover. And, as yet, she has no need for Always Envive pads.
Here we see boyfriend Eric, desperately trying to keep Debbie sweet. He fearlessly dives off the white cliffs and into the shark infested waters of the Dover straits. He swims to Debbie’s yacht, climbs aboard and delivers a box of Milk Tray. Then, without so much as a nibble on a coffee cream, Debbie sends him home. Why? Well partly because he forgot the Champagne; he didn’t bring any other pressies; he made a soggy mess all over her pink shag pile carpet; he’s always leaving the toilet seat up; he didn’t ring to say he was coming; he forgot her nougat allergy; he forgot she was on a diet this week; she needs to wash her hair; AND he doesn’t know what to do with his Dyson wand handle.
Sigh. Romance eh? Don’t you just love it? Anyhow, You’ll be pleased to know that I’m not as high maintenance as Debbie. I enjoy the simple pleasures in life; I don’t have a yacht - I’m quite at home on a lilo, and after a Moscow Mule or two, I’m easily persuaded to share my strawberry creams and soft centres….

*I’m not actually keen on the strawberry creams and soft centres… But I’d be quite happy with a fish finger sandwich and a Cadbury’s Crème Egg.

49 comments:

Dave said...

Doing anything on Saturday?

scarlet-blue said...

Dave: I'm reviewing my options Mr Dave.
Sx

Kate Lord Brown said...

Scarlet - if nothing else tickles your fancy on Sat a finger of fudge is just enough to give yourself a treat. Or a Mars bar if you're Marianne Faithfull ;) x

savannah said...

ya'll are good, sugar! how ya'll tell those lovely tales! ;) xoxox

scarlet-blue said...

Kate: Goodness me Kate! I can't imagine what you're suggesting!
Sx

Dave said...

You're welcome to come up and view my etchings (see today's post). I could probably knock-up a fish-finger sandwich.

scarlet-blue said...

Savannah: Ack! I'll be blushing again!
Sx

scarlet-blue said...

Dave: That's a lovely thought Dave. You are very sweet.
Sx

Kate Lord Brown said...

Scarlet, I have no idea - it was Cadbury's who suggested a little finger of fudge was 'just enough'. Ms Faithfull clearly found more Satisfaction with a Mars bar. I've always preferred smooth, dark and bitter. What's your choice Scarlet - Milk Tray or All Gold?

MJ said...

Some women have it all. They spend their days reclining on DFS sofas in their M&S undies and use an array of L’Oreal anti-ageing products.

Replace "M&S undies" with "Latex purple posing pouch" and you could be talking about Beast!

Lulu LaBonne said...

Not so keen on the soft centres - do you prefer the nutty ones by any chance?

xl said...

Is it a seasonal thing or does Ms Scarlet prefer Crème Egg year-round?

Autolycus said...

Ms S, I'm old enough to remember Stanley Baxter's "TV ads for the products in the back of the Radio Times" - one of which was

"....and all because the lady loves.....rubber knickers" (sadly not on Youtube)

underOvr (aka The U) said...

Scarlet,

I think instead of a holiday in Costa Rica, I should revise my plans for the UK. Otherwise I will forever wonder what a fish-finger sandwich, MilkTray and Cadbury’s Crème Egg taste like.

U

BEAST said...

Debbie sounds an uppety baggage like Miss MJ .
Would you have more fun with a lilo and a bag of fish and chips Miss Scarlet ???

Betty said...

Well, the number of times I've travelled over the QE2 bridge, and I've never seen the Milk Tray man diving into the murky depths with his box of chocolates. Now I know that he's "local" I can stalk him. He could have first option on my soft centres on Valentine's Day - or any other day of the year, come to that. That bitch Debbie can just go off and marry the MD of a double glazing firm from Swanley. It's all she deserves.

*goes off to put HRT patch back on*

Wow, that was awkward said...

I hate leaving links in comments. After all, why would anyone want to leave this fabulous place of bloggage. I wanted to email you a link, but you have no such option. So here it is candy lovah:

http://darkstormyloopy.blogspot.com/2008/11/candy.html

Gorilla Bananas said...

Soft centres are not for minxes like you, Miss Scarlet. You need something hard and nutty to sink your sharp little teeth into.

KAZ said...

Advice to Scarlett.
Avoid drinking the Moscow Mules when reclining on the Lilo.
Trust me - I know!

Geoff said...

I prefer that old Black Magic.

So does Paul Daniels, apparently.

Kevin Musgrove said...

Am I really the only one disturbed by the idea of Dave knocking up a fish finger butty?

scarlet-blue said...

Kate: One finger of fudge is never enough... but Mars bars are too much.

MJ: Funny you should say that... I now have a mental image... and it is mental.

Lulu: I have been known to grapple with the odd nut.

Mr XL: I would dunk eggs all year round given the choice. But then I'd get fat.

Mr Auty: I am a huge fan of Stanley Baxter and have one of his Christmas shows on video... I will have a serch on Youtube for further Baxter related video. And Ebay for the rubber knickers.

Mr U: We also have scones, Eccles cakes and Cornish pasties. And Mushy peas. No other European country can rival our food.

Mr Beastie: I would be very happy with a lilo and a bag of chips. Luxury Yachts? Pfffttt...

Betty: I think Debbie used to be married to the MD of the double glazing firm in Swanley and now she's moved on to poor old Eric. We need to rescue him from her evil grasp.
Swanley eh? *nervous twitch*

Mr Wow: I will check it out later, and I will report back. Thank-you!

Mr Bananas: Yes I do. A Lion Bar perhaps... or just a nice bar of Fruit and Nut?

Kaz: Do you have this moment on video?!

Geoff: Yes, but more to the point, what does Betty like?

Sx

scarlet-blue said...

Kev: No Kev, you're not...!
Sx

Madame DeFarge said...

I do prefer munching on some strong chewy toffees than soft centres. I need something to get my teeth stuck into. Fudges are a useful middle ground, but rarely last long enough for true satisfaction.

Ponita said...

I much prefer the chocolates with caramel in them, myself. Don't really like the soft centres unless they are coffee flavoured.

A different angle on the finger finger sandwich: try a fish taco, absolutely delish! Here's a video with an easy recipe.... these are addictive, they are so good! I lived in San Diego for three years and used to go to Rubios all the time for them.....mmmmmm!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLCjpm0_TfA

Sorry... can't remember how to do the links thing.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Why didn't they guy to be James Bond? But maybe he has a really squeaky voice, like Chris Ewbanks.

CyberPete said...

Bless her. Never settle when you can land a very wealthy man with a very short expiration date.

Smart Debbie. What's next for her? Debbie does the old gentlemens club?

Dave said...

Here in Norfolk we have to take our pleasure wherever we can find it.

Glamourpuss said...

I always found those ads most perplexing as a child. Now I work in the industry I see them as the product of a creative team with a fat budget and a penchant for expenses-paid trips. Gits.

Puss

PI said...

Ha Ha. i misread Kate's comment and thought she was telling you to sit on the fridge.

Jimmy Bastard said...

I might be able to stretch to a few swigs of lager and a carry-oot, but it'll no be until afty the fitba's finished.

scarlet-blue said...

Madam D: Yep, fudge kind of expands in your mouth and glues your gums up. I'm not a fan.

Ponita: I like the coffee creams! And I like coffee cake with coffee butter-icing.
I will check out the fish taco... and then see if I can find someone to make it for me?!

Gadj: But don't you think Eric looks cross when he dives back in the water with his knife between his teeth? James Bond is too cool to get cross.

Pete: I reckon Debbie will be moving in on the wealthy pensioners of Eastbourne [a retirement mecca].

Dave: Indeed! If you see an opportunity then grab it with both hands.

Puss: I too was quite perplexed. I used to leave my bedroom window open every night, but sadly I was never the recipient of a box of chocolates. It was like waiting for the tooth fairy.

Pat: Like me, you having 'blogging blur'! And I have been sitting on my fridge all morning.

Mr Jimmy: Hello! That's fine, you can watch the football as long as you pay for a nice chinese takeaway.. and go and collect it.. and do the washing up.. and get a nice soppy DVD to watch etc...

Sx

Jane P said...

Does sitting on the fridge with a finger of fudge work? I'd be afraid of falling off - I've got a very tall fridge...

EmmaK said...

great advert but I would have preferred to peel that damp man out of his wet suit than make do with a soggy box of chocs...maybe he had other Milk Tray deliveries to make?

scarlet-blue said...

Jane: Well, no, it doesn't... unless a nice fireman chap with a long hose comes to your rescue...

Emmappeal: I reckon he's a gigolo, and has the entire coast of Kent to service. He probably dishes out Ferrero Rocher and other well known boxes of confectionary to all takers. He's fickle... and don't get me started on what he probably does with his crystallised fruit...

Sx

:: Wendy :: said...

I'm a twiglets girl all the way.

scarlet-blue said...

Wendy: Remind me to dig out the twiglet man ad!
Sx

Kevin Musgrove said...

which of us is going to nip over to Wendy's to say: "a fireman in big boots, covered in Marmite?"

scarlet-blue said...

Kev: Dammit! Why didn't I think of that?! Maybe she'll come back?
Sx

Clyde said...

Ok, that's fish fingers--check
Cadbury Creme Eggs----check
Soppy video----check
Chinese Takeaway----check
Champagne, Vodka, Scotch--check, check and check
Smother fingers in fudge----check

Ok, I'm on my way

Dave said...

xoxoxox

BEAST said...

Why do I always have to do the washing up
Story of my flipping life .

Does anyone break into the Beast's Lair and leave me a donut on my pillow......no
Its go and get a takeaway Beast
and a ghastly tedious load of old knackers chic flick , and dont forget the revels and just finish the huge pile of greasy washing up while I slouch on the sofa , knicker elastic twanging with excitement ,ogling George Clooney and stuffing chocolates . Then expect me to be in the mood for lurve after all that.
Harumph.
Happy Flippin Valentines day everyone

scarlet-blue said...

Clyde: Well hello Clyde! Now you do seem to be making an effort today! xxx

Dave: xoxoxox

Mr Beastie: Oh come on... how about watching Brief Encounter? Or, my personal favourite, Gone With the Wind?
What about if I let you have a lick of my Creme Egg?

Sx

Happy Valentine's Day!

Eryl Shields said...

I know Debbie well, if you call fish fingers 'goujons' she'll happily eat them as long as they haven't been fried.

Whirlochre said...

If the lady had loved fish finger sandwiches, she'd might have been treated to a jolly rogering by Cap'n Birds Eye instead of becoming yet another hapless victim of some mysterious serial ponce.

Crabtree said...

Has sharks in the strait of Dover there !? We understand why they made a tunnel :{

I I took my most beautiful lighter ,I lit him to declare my flame :)


Good Saint Valentine's

scarlet-blue said...

Eryl: Ah yes, Debbie gets around. Give her a salad cream dip and call it 'grivois trempette'... and she'll be none the wiser.
[Please note, I am reliant on Google translate, so I hope that means what I meant it to mean - apologies if it doesn't!]

Mr Whirly: I think Debbie missed out - big time!!

Crabtree: Happy Valentines's Day, Mr Crabtree!

Bonne Saint Valentin, M. Crabtree!

Sx

Clyde said...

One should always make an effort for a lovely lady.

There may be rewards

scarlet-blue said...

Mr Clyde: I'm sure there will be!
Sx