Tuesday, 3 February 2009

A Touch of Silky Lightness


Ballet Glides with Always Silk



The people at ‘Always’ have come up with another genius idea to promote their sanitary products; their new towels have a touch of silky lightness and when not stuffed in your knickers you can turn them into a fetching pair of ballet pumps and wear them on your feet. I’m very impressed and will be buying a pair pronto.
Next on the agenda? Well obviously they are working on the multi-functional tampon; rumour has it that it’s to be diamond encrusted to give us girls ultimate security and satisfaction even when sitting on the spin drier. Can’t wait.
Have a happy period!!!

69 comments:

MJ said...

Happy period, my arse.

Bite me, Always.

*flings tampon at Beast*

fairyhedgehog said...

I love the contrast between the ads mealy-mouthed approach and your no-nonsense when not stuffed in your knickers. You should offer to write advertising copy for them.

BEAST said...

But do they make you want to rush out horseriding , riding a bike and lunching with your laughing girl friends thats the true hallmark of a good sanitary product

MJ said...

*beats Beast about the head and shoulders with giant “Overnight” Kotex pad*

scarlet-blue said...

MJ: Mr Beastie just may take the tampon flinging as an invitation to bite your arse.. or he might use the tampons to help pad out his posing pouch...

Fairyhedgehog: I'm from the 'does exactly what it says on the tin' school of copywriting...

Mr Beastie: Erm... not really... but a Moscow Mule might..

MJ: Good idea MJ... Mr Beastie can replace the stinky duvet with a giant overnight Kotex pad...

Sx

KAZ said...

Shall we make Beast an honorary girl?

scarlet-blue said...

Kaz: I think we should... he seems to know an awful lot about that Bodyform ad..
Sx

MJ said...

And after seeing what he has stuffed up his backside, it shouldn’t be any problem teaching Beast to insert a tampon.

scarlet-blue said...

MJ: It might get lost?
Sx

MJ said...

Like the Black Hole in space?

Or the Bermuda Triangle?

Misssy M said...

All I want is one that is impregnated with some kind of osmotic opiate to make the week fly past. Then and only then will I roller skate in white jeans with a dalmatian pulling me along.

MJ said...

I just wanna smack those advertisers.

*smacks Beast with hot water bottle instead*

scarlet-blue said...

MJ: Christ knows what is lost in Mr Beastie's Black Hole... Possibly a whole fruit market and the Boots sanitary aisle... He is a legend...

Misssy: I think you're on to something... I mean why not? It makes perfect sense. Pain killing tampons... goes straight to where the pain is. Makes more sense than all this 'silky lightness' nonsense...

Sx

scarlet-blue said...

MJ: I think they should give away bottles of Champagne with every pack of towels to back up their daft slogan... and possibly some helium balloons... and party poppers... and cake..
Sx

Dave said...

I have no idea about what you are talking.

MJ said...

Christ knows what is lost in Mr Beastie's Black Hole... Possibly a whole fruit market and the Boots sanitary aisle... He is a legend...

Ha! And possibly an entire pineapple grove.

I think they should give away bottles of Champagne with every pack of towels to back up their daft slogan... and possibly some helium balloons... and party poppers... and cake..

Did someone say CAKE?

*bitchslaps DAVE*

scarlet-blue said...

Dave: Ballet, Mr Dave, Specifically 'The Nutcracker'.
Sx

MJ said...

By the way, my post on Wednesday will be about PMS since I HAVE IT RIGHT NOW... not that anyone would notice.

MJ said...

Oh wait...isn't it PMT in England?

scarlet-blue said...

MJ: Have some cake MJ. And champagne. And a fag. I need a fag. And what are we going to do with Dave's body now that it's prostrate on my carpet, hmmmm????
Sx

scarlet-blue said...

MJ: We have PMT...
There is pre-menstral, menstral tension, and post menstral tension. That's 3 weeks of tension per month...
Sx

MJ said...

When replying in astonishment in England, is it best to respond with "blimey!" or "crikey!".

Please enlighten a confused foreigner.

MJ said...

A question mark is assumed at the end of my sentence.

Kate Lord Brown said...

Diamond encrusted (or poss 'diamonique) tampons sounds like something Joan Rivers might sell on QVC. Earrings and pendants - never get caught short on a night out?

BEAST said...

***glides past on bike chatting and laughing with friends***

scarlet-blue said...

MJ: Goodness me!

When replying in astonishment in England, is it best to respond with "blimey!" or "crikey!" ?.
Please enlighten a confused foreigner.


The correct form is, I believe, 'Blimey!'
'Crickey' is a lesser variation... I lean towards 'Blimey!'...
Sx

scarlet-blue said...

Kate: Another excellent idea! I think we should begin mass marketing Misssy's opiate tampons and your sanitary jewellery immediately.

Beast: **Pushes Beast off bycycle and lets MJ attack him with a giant cactus plant**

Sx

Gorilla Bananas said...

I feel sorry for the poor absorbent things having to soak up menstrual blood and nothing else. Have you ever tried dunking one in your tea, Miss Scarlet?

scarlet-blue said...

Mr Bananas: Not tea, Mr Bananas, but I once dropped one in some bloke's beer in a nightclub. He was annoying me. I must stress it was a fresh tampon... but all the same, he wasn't best pleased...
Sx

Betty said...

I can remember the first time there were sanitary towels ads on TV (an advert that was always shown when Channel Four started). "Take everything in your stride!" - that was the slogan. Most unfortunate turn of phrase, that was.

Dave said...

'And what are we going to do with Dave's body now that it's prostrate on my carpet, hmmmm????'

Hmmmm indeed.

Nope. Nothing occurs to me.

savannah said...

well, never you mind, it'll pass...eventually like when you're 45 and you've spent the last 8 or 10 years bleeding like a stuck pig and sometimes having a period that lasts for a month and some asswipe punk doctor telling you why didn't you come see me sooner and yeah, while i'm in there would you like me to tighten it all up again...not that i've heard anything like that...

Kevin Musgrove said...

I was going to comment but doing so with six women talking about periods is a bit like dangling your gonads over a tank of pirahnas.

scarlet-blue said...

Betty: This is what happens when men are in charge of advertising slogans... I've just this moment seen a new 'Always' ad for incontinence pads... I feel a new post brewing...

Dave: I'd get up and go quietly before Miss MJ returns...

Savannah: Sounds like you didn't really need the ballet shoe pad...
Erm... he offered to tighten it all up? Goodness me! What pleasures the future has in store.

Sx

scarlet-blue said...

Kev: Apologies! Mr Beastie, and Mr Dave were rather brutally treated... Mr Bananas got off lightly... but then again he is a gorilla.
Sx

Geoff said...

The Red Shoes is one of my favourite films.

Dugout Daisy said...

HAHAHA!
I know the lady that says "have a happy period" I feel bad for her, cos even she knows that nothing is happy about a period. nothing.

scarlet-blue said...

Geoff: Ick! 'Always' offer up a whole new interpretation of the film...

Ms Dug: Hello and welcome! I'm sure she gets a free supply of Always pads for her trouble... and I can tell that she's talking through gritted teeth and is just about to smack the director around the head with a giant Kotex overnight towel...

Sx

Madame DeFarge said...

At least we're spared the blue ink. Every knows only the lower classes use blue ink.

Lulu LaBonne said...

Did Dave say that his prostate was on the carpet? - I don't think you're supposed to keep them there

*cue a post about 'mens issues'*

scarlet-blue said...

Madame D: I think the days of blue ink are thankfully long gone, but these days we are expected to carry on and cheerfully perform a Fouetté rond de jambe en tournant without a whimper... or a Neurofen.

Lulu: Christ you had me going there... but yes 'Men's issues are in the offing... ;o)

Sx

HoodChick said...

Finally! I know that having silk surfing my panties will make all the ickyness disappear. These Always people are genius I tell ya.

I'm going to put on white bicycle shorts and jump on a trampoline RIGHT NOW.

eroswings said...

I shall never look at ballet shoes the same way again...though I suppose tampon shoes can come in handy for cleaning up spills on the floor.

CyberPete said...

Are the ribbons included. That's a deal breaker you know.

scarlet-blue said...

Hoodchicky: Yep, silk is indeed a magic ingredient... it cures all known ills.. smooths out all of life's creases. We should be grateful to Always.

Mr Swings: Another brilliant idea...! This means us girls can enjoy our household tasks even more.

Pete: Bizarrely, I think the ribbons are included...

Sx

Eryl Shields said...

If the ribbons are included I'll definitely get some: I never have any gift wrap when I need it.

Dave said...

Am very concerned that you've told Kaz you spend all night watching me. Have had to spring-clean entire house looking for hidden cameras.

CyberPete said...

I realise you tie them around your legs and ankles if you want to use them as ballet slippers but what do you use them for if they are used the proper way?

Do you tie them around your thighs?

scarlet-blue said...

Eryl: They are indeed multi-functional... and multi-useful... always there for you in your hour of need.

Dave: I'm still watching... you've got mud on your boots...

Pete: Tie the ribbon around your thighs all the way down to your ankles... then you don't need to bother with tights.

Sx

Dave said...

'mud on your boots'. That's a euphemism for something very rude, I'm sure.

having my cake said...

I dont want to be given away free with every packet of towels. Im far too busy having my own period!

scarlet-blue said...

Dave: Is it? Please explain yourself Mr Dave.

Ms Cakes: Ah, another sufferer? Erm... please don't throw tampons/towels or plates at Mr Beastie or Dave, I think they're still recovering from yesterday's tornado.

Sx

Dave said...

I couldn't possibly explain to somone so young and innocent in the ways of the world.

MJ said...

I say we continue to give Beast and Dave a good trouncing.

scarlet-blue said...

Dave: I hope you've wiped your feet?

MJ: Are you feeling better today? Well, as Dave is here, you may as well sit on him. He looks quite comfy.
Mr Beastie was last seen at Dorchester Hospital A&E having tampons removed from every orifice. They also removed several bananas and a M&S gift voucher.

Sx

MJ said...

Are you feeling better today?

NO!

*swipes Beast's gift voucher and runs off*

scarlet-blue said...

MJ: Oh, I think he was going to buy a new posing pouch with the gift voucher...
SX

PI said...

Diamond encrusted - that brings tears to my eyes.

Ponita said...

The 'light days' tampons are great for nosebleeds. :-)

I just wish they would make heavy duty ones that last more than 90 minutes for my heavy days.... I might as well just spend 36 hours sitting on the potty for all the running back and forth I do to avert an embarassing flood.

My period is at the stage where it cannot decide when to arrive... every 2 1/2 weeks or every 2 months... I detest being perimenopausal. *sighs loudly*

I am seriously thinking of having my uterus ablated. Fry the damn thing and be done with it... it's not like I ever used it or anything.

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

*Covers eyes and ears*

(In my day these were Laydees things to be dealt with behind locked doors and with the light out. I still have no need to know about other people's periods).

*Adjusts crinoline.*

Dave said...

I was just going to say something similar to Lady Wayne-Bough, but I see she's already said it.

Too much information here. Can we move on please?

scarlet-blue said...

Ponita: Goodness me! What am I to do with you?!
Indeed, tampons are indispensable for nose bleeds.
May I suggest the NEW Always padded nappy sack? With a vintage inspired Cath Kidston daisy design?

Dave and Daphne: Erm.... I'm not sure you're going to be that inspired by my next post... perhaps I should scrap it and play an ambient jukebox for Ponita... some nice calming water music or something... what d'ya reckon?

Sx

scarlet-blue said...

Pat: Apologies! I missed you there... I was thrown... anyhow... yes perhaps some softer plastic beading would be more suitable...
Sx

Glamourpuss said...

I loathe that ad with a passion. It is utterly, utterly stupid.

Puss

CyberPete said...

You've got a point.

Or in MJs case, tie the ribbons around her mouth so we don't have to listen to her excessive whining.

Homo Escapeons said...

Those old timers and their monotheistic mysogynist claptrap really blew the whole thing out of proportion.

The onset of menstruation rendered a woman unclean for seven days and inadvertent intercourse with a menstruating woman rendered the man unclean for seven days.

What a bloody stupid thing to invent?
That would make me unclean for half the month..every month!

~Static~ said...

Ha ha @ this and the comments!

These commercials created lately are so perplexing sometimes...wtf does a pair of ballet shoes and this sanitary product have in common?

Absolutely nothing..except the off-chance that a ballet dancer is being visited by Aunt Flo and doesn't know what product to buy to "Always" keep her sanitary during her performances. Oh well, off to the store I go...what was that product called again?

***pirouettes and tip toes off the comments page

EmmaK said...

It is a little known fact that I am a prima ballerina weighing 77lb and do indeed find that wearing these pads does make me leap and pirouette with extra finesse on those code red days. This santitary product has genuinely changed my life.

scarlet-blue said...

Puss: I totally agree with you! Btw, I can't get onto your blog anymore as Internet Explorer won't open it and has a hissy fit whenever I try. It has blocked me! :o(

Pete: Erm... she may not be done with us yet, so let's be careful what we say!

Mr Coppens: You are indeed lucky mucky man. With a refreshing approach to the menstrual cycle.

Static: It has been a lively topic, I must admit! I have also been practising my fouetté rond de jambe en tournants... the Always pads kept slipping off my feet though...

Emma: Ah, but have they improved your volleyball? And is it true that on a cold day they can be worn as mittons, i.e by threading the ribbons through your sleeves and dangling a pad at each end?

Sx

I think it's time for a new post....????