Thursday, 26 March 2009

For The Man Who Plays To Win



Here we see Ron and Jean. They met four years ago in a post office queue in Chipping Sodbury. It was a long queue, time passed slowly, and inevitably they started chatting about chess. Three stamps, four parcels and a special delivery later, and Jean found herself back at Ron’s flat admiring his pawn collection. Since this first meeting they have become chess buddies, pals, friends even, and now, every Monday evening, they get together to thrash out tactics. Jean fancies Ron something rotten and because of this she has read and absorbed 16 books on chess [including Tarrasch’s Best Games Of Chess by Fred Reinfeld] and has subscribed to British Chess Magazine Monthly. Ron likes Jean; she’s very good at chess. And she knows how to castle.
Jean has been waiting four years for Ron to take advantage of her, and during this time her imagination has wallowed in a series of romantic scenarios, which include: feeding the penguins together at London Zoo; Llama trekking in Devon; taking the camper van to Clacton; a wedding; a honeymoon; a mortgage; children… A RING. Her patience is wearing thin. She leans forward and licks her lips, there is all to play for.
Ron has been waiting fourteen minutes for Jean to take her turn and during this time he is has been wondering if it was wise to take her Knight with his Queen and whether he really needs to keep playing safe with his rook.
It’s Jean’s move, so she goes in for the kill, she starts kissing Ron’s bishop and fingering her king. Ron is beginning to feel feverish as he realises that within two moves Jean could have him in check-mate unless he does something pretty smartish. Oh dear. But Ron is an experienced player; he always plays to win, and he has seen Jean’s tactic deployed many times before; luckily he has garnered a few sneaky moves of his own. For a brief moment he leaves the game so that he can drench himself in Hai Karate, an aftershave designed to repel all kinds of female advancement. The effect is instant; Jean is overpowered by the stench of cheap scent and as she fights for breath she knocks the chessboard into the air, sending the rooks and pawns scattering across the tiled table top. Poor Jean, it was so nearly check-mate, but she has been forced to concede defeat. This time.

50 comments:

Dave said...

I have absolutely no idea about what you are talking here. I suspect there is some kind of hidden sub-text.

scarlet-blue said...

Dave: It's about chess! Do you not play chess Mr Dave?
Sx

P.S...about?

Dave said...

It's a long time since I was mated.

Dave said...

P.S. What do you mean, 'about' ?

fairyhedgehog said...

Brilliant deconstruction here, scarlet.

scarlet-blue said...

Dave: Tsk! Nevermind..
Have a good day out in Norwich and find a chess buddy.
Sx

scarlet-blue said...

Fairy: Thank you!
Sx

Emerson Marks said...

'Fingering her king?' Good grief. What next? Running her hands up and down the shaft of the bishop.

KAZ said...

Has the word 'castle' got a double meaning. Has it something to do with Llama trekking in Devon?

PI said...

Silly Jean! all she needs to do is play like an idiot, burst into tears - prettily - no snot - and voila it all comes good.

Whirlochre said...

Great for cleaning up Baby Bellings...

xl said...

I have played computer chess. I am not proud to admit to playing alone.

scarlet-blue said...

Mr Marks: Goodness me!! You do have a colourful imagination!

Kaz: Castling is a very special move. It involves more than one piece and lots of people get it wrong.

Pat: Spot on! Jean has applied too much logic to a simple situation.

Mr Whirly: Works wonders on a variety of utensils.

Mr XL: Have you ever played telephone chess? It's a slippery slope...

Sx

Madame DeFarge said...

It's not exactly the Thomas Crown Affair in Chipping Sodbury, is it?

They need a good game of tiddly winks to get them going. Maybe even four handed competition.

MJ said...

I have admired Beast's prawn collection.

Oh Hai XL!

BEAST said...

I cant see the attachement :-(
I thought 'Llama Trecking' was a euphemism for something vile .

scarlet-blue said...

Madame D: I think the whole thing would have worked out much better over a game of Tiddly-Winks. It's difficult to be seductive with a blue plastic counter.

MJ: Mr Beastie is always bragging about his prawn collection. He has a stack of Prawn Magazine Monthly tucked under his bed. He's recently discovered Cockles Weekly; who knows where it will lead.

Mr Beastie: I'll have you know that Llama trekking is de rigueur in certain parts of East Sussex. Perhaps it hasn't yet caught on in Devon...?

Sx

Kevin Musgrove said...

Before the night's out we'll have Mrs. P. dolled up as Valerie Leon again. On your own head be it.

scarlet-blue said...

Kev: Well, I'm going to doll myself up as Shirley Eaton... I have some spray paint somewhere....
Sx

BEAST said...

Ah I can see the attachement now .
I probably still have a bottle of hai Karate somewhere
***delicatley dabs behind ears***

Kate Lord Brown said...

Met a delightful Sussex Llama in a bluebell wood yesterday - I was trekking, he was lolling around. As always your insight is spot on Scarlet. Seduction by chess - nothing like a roaring log fire, a bottle of something potent and a battle of wits as Ron and Jean know well.

Jimmy Bastard said...

Sorry.. I wasn't paying attention.
I'm still studying the smeg photie to see just how many types of wee beasties I can identify in the dirt.

327...328...329...

eroswings said...

For a second there, I thought I was watching the Thomss Crown Affair. So what's really going on is that Jean needs to check her mate, because Ron is a queen, not a knight.

scarlet-blue said...

Mr Beastie: Is your Hai Karate tucked behind your bottle of Old Spice?

Kate: You are very kind...! I don't know why I picked this advert... but it was a challenge!

Mr Jimmy: My floor is spotless... you are looking at pixelation problems... that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it...
So there. Neh... with knobs on.

Mr Swings: I see the Windmills of Your Mind are working [pity mine aren't], anyhow, I think Ron has a chess addiction, the poor thing. He's probably not ready for long term commitment.

Sx

Whirlochre said...

Old Spice! Ha!

Can't wait for Heston Blumenthal's seaman's banquet.




































Actually, having said that, I sort of can.

scarlet-blue said...

Mr Whirly: Mr Whirly! Look at your spacing!!! Goodness me!!
Yes, I'll wait for the bloomin' seaman's splatter as well.
Sx

Gorilla Bananas said...

Her mistake, Miss Scarlet, was not to give the pieces a little suck before making a move. Lipstick on wood will make most men jealous. For a woman to try to force herself on a man is sheer desperation, as you must know.

scarlet-blue said...

Mr Bananas: I do indeed know this, Mr bananas... always wise to keep an element of mystery.
Sx

~Static~ said...

Oh, I get it. This story was all about sex, wasn't it? Bet you didn't think we'd get that, but I'm smart like that.

Mrs Pouncer said...

Kevin, I was Valerie Leon in a milkmaid's costume on Wednesday. Yesterday, I was Yvonne Romain in black boucle and a melanic beehive. Today, I have returned to safe harbours. Kathy Kirby; red lace, trembling lower lip, lunch with Bruce Forsyth. Or Brucie Foresight, his tribute act.

scarlet-blue said...

Static: I think I forgot what it was about by the third paragraph.... so you've done better than me!

Mrs P: Yesterday I was Shirley Eaton - neat and pert; today I am Irene Handl in wrinkled stockings and hairnet with a desire to study the Kleneze catalogue. Tomorrow I will play safe and return to my cheerful cockney blonde Liz Fraser role.

Sx

Jimmy Bastard said...

It would appear that you "pixelation problems" are building a colony underneath the lino.

A coincidence that your word verification reads; mingah?

scarlet-blue said...

Mr Jimmy: Charming!!!

Anyhow, I am away for the rest of the day.
Sx

Dave said...

Chess isn't very interesting, is it? Can we have a post about cricket next time? That's something to stir anyone's emotions.

Mrs Pouncer said...

Dave, you must hasten to my sumptuous page, where I reference the Benson and Hedges Cup of July 1977 and my part in it. Gloucestershire v Kent; Gloucs won by 64 runs. Woolmer's 64 and Shepherd's 55 were virtually the sum total of Kent's batting in reply to a Gloucester score of 237. Fred Trueman was the adjudicator. I was carried home, as per.

Crabtree said...

The nature foresaw a special movement it "The roque"...!

the movements must be carried out with the same hand and in the good order ;)

EmmaK said...

let's not beat around the bush here and play coy now Scarlet please, the reason the guy didn't 'make his move' in four years judging by the depth of his foundation and satin lapels is quite frankly that he is what is the word for it, a chutney ferret, chocolate driller, you know what I mean?

Beverly Hamilton Wenham said...

Are you sure those that chess set wasn't made by Cadbury? I think maybe she was just dieting. Could that after shave have smelled something like cheesecake?

Kevin Musgrove said...

Two Shirley Eaton references and I'm all of a dither.

Somebody needs to warn Mrs. P. that it's the wrong sort of weather for going decolleté.

scarlet-blue said...

Dave: In my absence Mrs P has answered your query [thank you Mrs P]... she's very good at spelling as well.

Mrs P: Mrs P, Dave. Dave, Mrs P. I think Mrs P will give you a run for your money Dave... but don't expect a leg-over...or whatever the correct terminology is....?

Crabtree: Un joueur a toujours besoin d'une main ferme!
A player always needs a steady hand!

Emma: Too right! I think there's been too much beating around the bush... I think the bush needs a good prodding.

Beverly: What a brilliant idea...! I'd buy a Cadbury's chess set... just imagine... how about a creme egg chess set...? Or a chest set even...?

Kev: Have you ever read What A Carve Up by Jonathan Coe... it's littered with Shirley Eaton references.
Mrs P can cover herself with her sheared beaver; I'm sure she will be fine.

Sx

Dave said...

Getting a leg-over has never featured in my cricketing expectations. Bowling a maiden over is difficult enough these days.

savannah said...

y'all are so creative, sugar! ;) xoxoxo


(well done, darlin, extremely well done!)

Jane P said...

Even though I come from Yorkshire (which my Dad used to tell me is the home of cricket) I can't really get myself excited about it. Sorry Dave.

Mind you, chess is just as dull.

Clyde said...

Bugga
I knew the Boss wasn't working in the dominos game
I was gonna change games but it's the aftershave

scarlet-blue said...

Dave: You should be bold and raise your expectations. I'm sure you're quite capable of delivering a dink.

Savannah: Many thanks, you are very kind.

Jane: But chess is all about mating and cricket is about fast leg theory and donkey drops. Now what could be dull about that?

Mr Clyde: Yep, lets forget about chess and aftershave. D'ya fancy a game of strip Tiddly Winks?

Sx

Dr Maroon said...

its 1103 on a saturday night and im running around in my scrubs jim jam jammies looking for marachino cherries.

nutwake

Mrs Pouncer said...

Maroon, I insist that you leave this purlieu with all available haste. You will find no cherries here, maraschino or otherwise. Come back to Inkspot's immediately and join the discourse on how Hipparchus constructed the first trigonometrical table.

Goodnight, Scarlet. Dr Maroon is leaving.

scarlet-blue said...

Dr Maroon and Mrs P: I think Mr Inky has got the hump with me... he's speaking french and talking about maths to put me off.
He probably has nuts and cherries in abundance though... and a selection of ancient ports...
Anyhow, don't forget that the clocks go forward an hour tonight.

Sxx

Clyde said...

Oh, ok---
Ah, lets forget the games and get down to business

scarlet-blue said...

Mr Clyde: Shall I go first?
Sx