I’ve had three proper relationships [this suggests that I’ve had numerous improper relationships]. My first was with the Tears For Fears roadie, way back in 1985 and we are still very good friends. My second was with an ex-public schoolboy called Jason, he was quite posh and his Dad was a bookie. Anyhow, Jason was kind of kinky and he enjoyed role-playing games, for example when we stayed in hotels he liked to pretend he was a hotel inspector; he would carry a notebook around and ask the receptionist pertinent questions about the Corby trouser press, and the laundry service. In the supermarket he would pretend to be the store manager; as I pushed the trolley up and down the aisles of Sainsbury’s he would follow close behind me with a clipboard, examining the sell-by dates on Del Monte peach slices. He also had a fixation with his cutlery drawer. It had to be neatly arranged, with all the forks and spoons neatly stacked on top of each other [I don’t know what he did with the knives]. Anyhow, he would spend hours organising his drawer and then when he’d finished I’d open the drawer and bang it shut, sending his silverware into a messy scatter. ‘Oops!’ I would exclaim. I quite liked Jason and we even got engaged. We did all the usual boyfriend/girlfriend stuff; we signed up for pottery classes; we learnt the meringue and we even drove around Windsor Safari Park in our Ford Sierra Cosworth* and let the chimpanzees sit on our sunroof, but more often than not, we would stay in and watch videos.
I was reminded of Jason on Saturday night because the film The Eyes of Laura Mars was showing on BBC1 and I originally saw most of this film with him. I say most of it because I had recorded it off the telly, but this was back in the day when you had to carefully programme the recorder with start and end times… and I kind of cut off the last ten minutes. We were gutted… Faye Dunaway was all big eyed and fearful, her chest was heaving, her buttons were stressed, and then all of a sudden the Andrex puppy was playfully tangling with toilet paper on a staircase.
So on Saturday night, nearly 20 years later, I tried to stay up to watch the whole film all the way through to find out what happened in the end… but it was on very late… and I fell asleep… but I have a suspicion that it was Tommy Lee Jones wot done ‘em in…???
*She was white, with spoilers - I called her Blossom.