Tuesday, 28 April 2009

The Female of The Species

I like cosmetics. Putting on my make-up is something of a soothing ritual. Perhaps it’s because I am a child of the eighties, a time when I created some gorgeous masks for my face. White skin, the reddest lips – almost a Geisha. I also like watching make over shows; Ten Years Younger being one of my favs. It’s the transformations that I love – the big reveal at the end, the gasps and the tears. It’s amazing what an be achieved with a good haircut and a tight wide belt. The other week I watched Coleen Nolan looking into the pros and cons of plastic surgery; she was considering whether she should have some done herself. After looking at all the options available to her she decided against invasive surgery. One thing she did say though, which I related to, was that she couldn’t throw herself into a good argument unless she was wearing a full face of slap. I too will avoid confrontation if my face is naked. I know my eyes will be looking slitty and undefined. I will be aware of a spot on my chin. I will feel like a child instead of a grown woman. I like to look my best if I’m going to have a good row and red lipstick equates with confidence. Simple. For example if my Bank Manager wants to see me regarding the state of my errant finances then I’d like to look well groomed. I’d want to be able to concentrate and smooth his worries away. I won’t want to be sitting on his desk wondering whether my eyebrows need plucking or whether my lashes look stubby. I wouldn’t want him thinking I didn’t invest my money wisely. So, if I’m wearing lip gloss, lash extensions and white lacy knickers then I know that I’m more than likely to get my own way and that I will leave my Bank Manager a happy man. Sigh. Well, they don’t call it war paint for nothing…

Monday, 27 April 2009

A Brief Update

My Mum had to have a cancerous lump removed from her breast on Friday. Luckily the cancer hadn't spread to the lymph gland and for the time being all is well. Many thanks to everybody who stopped by to leave kind words of support on my previous post... even though you probably didn't know what the hell I was blathering on about.
Anyhow, onwards and upwards. Chin up, tits out... and I shall carry on, as always, in the best possible taste...

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

Being Brave

I have never been brave. I've been thinking about it and I've never done anything brave. If I were a character in a disaster movie then I would be soooo over within the first five minutes - I wouldn't be the heroine of the picture despite my obvious good looks.
I passed my driving test with one minor fault, not because of confident bravado, but because I was terrified. I still grip the wheel with grim determination not to hit anything. This, I suppose, is a good thing, but after ten minutes of driving I'm knackered due to intense concentration. Driving to the shops to buy food is still an ordeal. I still can't park properly so sometimes I go hungry.
I'm not really the person you want to be with in a crisis. Not the type of person you want to be stuck in a lift with - I would sob heavily and use up all the air.
I am good at interiors and soft furnishings... and good at painting wooden furniture. I'm good at buying shoes and I know that there are 70 calories in a McVities Digestive biscuit. I know this because I can read labels. I have rescued a few cats in my time. Once I rescued a kitten from a car engine.
Anyhow, this week I have to be brave. Let's hope my driving skills aren't needed. Let's hope that there are cushions to be arranged and plumped and pets to look after...
Hopefully I will be re-opening properly next week and many thanks. In the meantime, here is a tune...

Thursday, 16 April 2009





Tuesday, 14 April 2009

Noblesse Oblige

The lovely and delightful Madame Defarge has given me the Noblesse Oblige Award. I think this is very kind and generous of her. Indeed, I may certainly be obliging, but I don't think I can be described as noble. I suppose that I do usually act in a way that befits my position i.e. I speak the best Estuary English, I am very familiar with North Kent, and on occasion perhaps I'm a bit slutty.
Anyhow, The recipient of this award is recognised for the following:

1) The Blogger manifests exemplary attitude, respecting the nuances that pervades amongst different cultures and beliefs.
2) The Blog contents inspire; strives to encourage and offers solutions.
3) There is a clear purpose at the Blog; one that fosters a better understanding on Social, Political, Economic, the Arts, Culture and Sciences and Beliefs.
4) The Blog is refreshing and creative.
5) The Blogger promotes friendship and positive thinking.

Well, bits of this may apply to me and I have supplied credit crunching tips on this blog, so I guess this covers at least number 3 on the list [but I still feel undeserving]

The Blogger who receives this award will need to perform the following steps:

1) Create a Post with a mention and link to the person who presented the Noblesse Oblige Award.
2) The Award Conditions must be displayed at the Post.
3) Write a short article about what the Blog has thus far achieved – preferably citing one or more older post to support.
4) The Blogger must present the Noblesse Oblige Award in concurrence with the Award conditions.
5) Blogger must display the Award at any location at the Blog.

Erm... What has this blog achieved? Goodness me, what a question! If nothing else it's helped me to make friends with a whole bunch of people I wouldn't have otherwise met and this has really opened up my eyes. There are some brilliant writers and some funny, creative, warm hearted, kindly souls out there and it's been a pleasure to find you all. My mission has always been to be as light hearted, flimsy and irreverent as possible and over the past 11 months I think I may have achieved this! Posts to support this include:-

1) Deodorant Bottles
2) Credit Crunch
3) Scarlet's Credit Crunching Tip of the Day
4) No More Awkward Moves
5) Here Come The Girls

Crikey, I do seem to bang on about adverts a lot. That was a bit of a nostalgia trip.
And now the excruciating hard part, my Awardees...

1) No Good Boyo
It's true, Mr Boyo seldom visits me, and I very nearly have an orgasm when he does because I admire him so much. He gets me flustered; he's really worth reading.

2) Mrs Pouncer
Because I think she invented the term 'Noblesse Oblige'... I might be wrong...
Yep, I know you don't do all the linking stuff Mrs P, but you deserve this award...

3) Kate
Because she is consistantly refreshing. Her posts are always insightful and always make me think about the craft of writing - she's just brilliant at connecting things and making sense [unlike me].

4) 5) and 6) I doubt that two of these will accept this award but they all deserve it for promoting friendship and goodwill around the blogosphere...

Gorilla Bananas
Mr Coppens

That's me done then...

Saturday, 11 April 2009

Whatever Your Style...

It takes years of learning, a steady pair of hands, and an unflinching demeanour to gain the ancient skills and techniques required for good bush-craft. Here we see Annie Wilkinson with a portfolio of her latest topiary designs and a few of her happy clients. Annie has a natural flair for ornamental balls and geometric squares. She has learnt her trade the hard way and she has reached the top of the tree in her field without the need for an Ikea stepladder. It was an arduous ascent. There were bumps and gashes along the way, nics and serious injury. Her pathway has been hard to clear. First she was tripped up by Sally’s stubble, then she got lost in Lindy’s thicket; she was almost broken by Brenda’s bracken and just very confused by Allie’s travelling wicker. Finally, she slipped and lost her clippers whilst shearing mossy flanks. Indeed, there have been rough patches, and times when she nearly gave up. Thankfully, Annie’s supportive friends rallied round and offered up their scrubby beds so that she could beaver at her craft. She tackled Tina’s teasels; she dealt with Holly’s pricks; she weeded Fanny’s borders and shaped up Moira’s twigs….. [good grief]
Anyhow, Annie has grown restless, there is only so much she can do with sequins, spangles and decorative fringing; she is tired of all this frippery and has decided to turn her attentions to boyfriend Duncan’s natural forest. It is huge and on a mammoth scale. The sap is rising, her fingers are loose, she’s learning the pleasures of whittling with spruce….

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

Getting Ready

There will be no more proper posts from me this week cos it's nearly Easter and I am winding down to do lots of this....

Getting ready to suck eggs...

***UPDATE*** 10th April 2009

For sending BEST WISHES and sloppy kisses.

Monday, 6 April 2009

Touched Up

It’s very sad, but I haven’t been touched up in an age. Unlike L’Oreal ‘spokesmodel’ Linda Evangelista, she’s always being touched up. In the new ad for L’Oreal Wrinkle Decrease she’s looking unlined, expressionless and fab, but I wonder, can she actually move her face?
Myleene Klass bashes out a tune on her old Joanna as she does her bit for Pantene Pro-V - gorgeous glossy hair but her face is white-washed out. In bright contrast, the Dove Pro-age woman is so luminous that that she glows in the dark. And finally there’s the Maybelline model, flawless and poreless, air-whipped and satin perfect… Maybe it’s Maybelline? Maybe it’s CGI?
Anyhow, not to worry, the future’s bright, the future is online...

Friday, 3 April 2009

My First Song

Many thanks to Mr Maps for reminding me of this. On Mother Kelly's Doorstep was the first song my Mum taught me. She was a bit of a fan. It explains so much...

I am just about to have a power cu

Wednesday, 1 April 2009

A Revelation...

The sad truth is that I'm not a blonde-ish bombshell from East Sussex [though I'm still not ginger]. I am instead a Grandmother of 86 and have 4 grandchildren. Sorry if this comes as a shock to many of you. I've had so much fun being Scarlet Blue, I always fancied myself as Marilyn Monroe, please forgive me my indulgence. Anyhow, here is a short video from happier times...

***UPDATE*** Today is April 2nd. To view a teenage Miss Scarlet then please click HERE!!!