Saturday, 11 April 2009

Whatever Your Style...



It takes years of learning, a steady pair of hands, and an unflinching demeanour to gain the ancient skills and techniques required for good bush-craft. Here we see Annie Wilkinson with a portfolio of her latest topiary designs and a few of her happy clients. Annie has a natural flair for ornamental balls and geometric squares. She has learnt her trade the hard way and she has reached the top of the tree in her field without the need for an Ikea stepladder. It was an arduous ascent. There were bumps and gashes along the way, nics and serious injury. Her pathway has been hard to clear. First she was tripped up by Sally’s stubble, then she got lost in Lindy’s thicket; she was almost broken by Brenda’s bracken and just very confused by Allie’s travelling wicker. Finally, she slipped and lost her clippers whilst shearing mossy flanks. Indeed, there have been rough patches, and times when she nearly gave up. Thankfully, Annie’s supportive friends rallied round and offered up their scrubby beds so that she could beaver at her craft. She tackled Tina’s teasels; she dealt with Holly’s pricks; she weeded Fanny’s borders and shaped up Moira’s twigs….. [good grief]
Anyhow, Annie has grown restless, there is only so much she can do with sequins, spangles and decorative fringing; she is tired of all this frippery and has decided to turn her attentions to boyfriend Duncan’s natural forest. It is huge and on a mammoth scale. The sap is rising, her fingers are loose, she’s learning the pleasures of whittling with spruce….

53 comments:

PI said...

I'm first and lost for words.Happy Easter Scarlet.oxo

Gorilla Bananas said...

I don't believe Duncan would let Annie prune his fruit orchard with that fanny shaver, Miss Scarlet! Have you done that to a man yourself? Confess all and I might forgive your naughtiness.

Whirlochre said...

I still don't think you can beat tweezers and a bottle of surgical spirit...

sarah said...

Annie probably needs to tighten her grip a bit.

The Dotterel said...

What a lot of effort. Cheapt flight to Brazil might have been more pleasant...

Dave said...

I have no idea about what you are talking. I'm not watching the video, for I've had my fill of gardening shows this week (am I alone if feeling the new presenter of Gardener's World is not up to scratch?).

Hope this helps.

xl said...

It may be that Annie has discovered that one must suffer for one's art. I've a feeling that she will emerge from the thicket of self-doubt.

fairyhedgehog said...

Good bushcraft, eh? I'm just glad I'd finished my coffee when I started reading this, or you'd owe me for a new screen.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Pat: And a very Happy Easter to you too. I'm just about to go out and get a very large egg. I might share some of it.

Mr Bananas: When men sleep, restless fingers go to work.
[Ancient Vermilion Proverb 349]

Mr Whirly: Always pluck after a warm bath. Then apply an ice cube. Then Tea Tree oil. Then a thong.

Sarah: Annie knows a good point when she sees one.

Mr Dotts: Yep! An awful lot of effort, I'm sure you can appreciate!

Dave: If she/he is scratching then she/he probably needs Annie's skills.

Mr XL: ...from the copse of confusion she will flush and bloom into a bed of frilly fushias...

Sx

Scarlet-Blue said...

...or more appropriately... fuchsias... bad spelling malfunction..
Sx

Scarlet-Blue said...

Fairyhedgehog: Apologies! It's been a frisky morning!
Sx

Polly said...

Ouch! Annie sounds like a brave girl, I may actually start watching telly to see what comes next.

Gadjo Dilo said...

I'm not a fan myself. Leave it be. One my first stirrings of sexual arousal was seeing a few stray strands peeping out from the side of my uncle's girlfriend's swimsuit. (Too much information again, sorryyyy.)

MJ said...

If you want heart-shapes, stars and lightning bolts, (and who doesn't?)try Jenna’s Hot Trimmer.

underOvr (aka The U) said...

Good morning Scarlet,

Now this was an entertaining commercial...right before my eyes...Gardening as an art form.

All it takes is imagination, skill and shrubs needing a trim.

Now I understand how the word trim became part of youthful vernacular.

U

eroswings said...

I hope Annie get's the hang of manscaping; at the very least she ought to handle Duncan's tree with great care as she shaves the bark and trim the branches. Careful though, she might get some sap in her eyes if she gets too vigorous working his wood.

Kevin Musgrove said...

I couldn't help noticing that Jena's selection didn't include templates for famous car marques. This is an obvious gap in that market that Annie would do well to exploit. What gentleman wouldn't be beguiled by a neatly-executed Hispano-Suiza emblem?

KAZ said...

Tee hee - I once saw a rather sweet and effeminate French coiffeur pop outside his shop to do a bit of topiary on his bay tree at the door .... I expected him to use hairspray afterwards.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Polly: I dread to think what's coming next - probably Kev's marques!

Gadj: I think you have an animal instinct. Arm pit hair. Are you a fan of arm pit hair?

MJ: Are they like stencils? Sounds like a flipping good idea to me. And Kev's car marques are also a good idea. It'd be fun to have Vauxhall stamped into my bush.

Mr U: And I haven't yet started on creative arrangements with nuts and fruit!

Mr Swings: Oh, I think Annie probably knows how to swallow.

Kev: I'm really liking this idea... I reckon this could be big in male topiary as well as female. I'm going to have a Mercedes... or perhaps a Jaguar. Brilliant idea.

Sx

Scarlet-Blue said...

Kaz: To be honest I'd quite like to give it a go... with a Bay tree I mean!
Sx

HoodChick said...

Damn, I wish I'd read this earlier. I could have shaped myself an Easter egg theme for the weekend...

Dave said...

Happy Easter.

Dave said...

Oooh. My mother's just given me a Cadbury's creme egg. If only she knew. I shall think of you as I sink my teeth into it.

Lulu LaBonne said...

I thought you got a man in to trim your bush - that handy chap who can attend to a sticky cat flap at the same time.

Happy Easter
x

Madame DeFarge said...

It's just as well it's an evergreen, otherwise there would be lots of dead head on it, bits of old twig and scruffy birds nest. Personally, I prefer fake bushes, far less upkeep to look neat all the time.

Madame DeFarge said...

Scarlet - in recognition and appreciation of your contribution to creme egg adoration and all-round wonderfulness, I've passed on the Noblesse Oblige award to you. It's on my blog, having been awarded to me for some strange reason. Enjoy all the chocolate :)

Scarlet-Blue said...

Hoodchicky: There is still time! Unless of course you've gone for a Brazilian theme??

Dave: Dunk!!! Dave, please dunk and think of me!

Lulu: Goodness me!! You put me to shame! Nothing better than a sticky cat flap...
Did I just write that? You are a bad influence!!

Madame D: A merkin by any other name!! It's time to strip off the merkin for summer.
Thank you so much for the award, I really don't deserve it. I think of myself as a bit of a floopy lightweight, but thank you.

Sx

CyberPete said...

Oh dearie me!

Maybe getting bits of the thicket in her teeth was becoming too much for her. Bless.

BEAST said...

Maybe you could lend Annie your Weed Whacker Miss Scarlet ??

Old Knudsen said...

Being a bit of a gardener meself I'm lost. Ah well at least it wasn't a dirty post. MJ may have sent me.

Carnalis said...

I have mini eggs, but no cream ..

if only men realised that their cocks looked bigger with less trim, then perhaps they might tackle the rough themselves

(from MJ)

Jimmy Bastard said...

Is there no end to this female fascination with plucking?

Brazilians... the be all and end all as far as I am concerned.

Leah said...

Hello! Just over from MJ's.

I am so dense that it took me two, two, views of that advert before I got it!

ChrisV82 said...

I could read about pubic hair for hours. I should have majored in it in college. Instead, I just minored in leering.

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

I've got a problem with moss growing in me cracks. Any ideas, anyone? The internet recommends vinegar. McChe wants to leave it where it is.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Pete: Sigh. You just have to go that one step further don't you?!

Mr Beastie: I'm wondering if Annie has any tips on trailing Ivy?

Old Knuddy: Hello and Welcome! I run a tidy patch.

Carnalis: Hello and Welcome! I'm sure you have plenty of cream! Possibly whipped?
And you make an excellent point about men and shaving.

Jimmy: I think men are equally fascinated by female topiary... Men don't like to floss after having their lunch.

Leah: Hello and Welcome! I actually have gardening planned for this afternoon... proper gardening!

Chris: Well you could have majored in advanced topiary and combined two of your favourite subjects?

Daphne: Thank you for the tip. I also have a problem with mossy cracks [I'm not keen]. I've also got a dandelion problem...
Anyhow I think I'm bushwhacked.

Sx

CyberPete said...

Weren't we talking landscaping?

If the thicket is thick enough bits of it can get in your face during the landscaping.

Clyde said...

Ah there is nothing like a blank canvas to work on
A little shaping, a little colouring
But more than anything, a little exploring

The Topiary Cow said...

Oh my!
Indeed, the noble art of Topiary is enriched by Ms. Scarlet Blue's twiggy post!

In fact, Topiary joins PI in being somewhat at a loss for words, but now quite terrified of these shaver-doohickeys.

Moo!

Scarlet-Blue said...

Pete: I suppose it may well be a good idea to wear a hard hat and goggles just to prevent mishaps.

Clyde: Yep, but don't get lost in the ruby jungle.

Topiary Cow: Hello and Welcome! Very good to have your expert opinion on this post! I think I'm nearly out of topiary metaphors as well!

Sx

Mister Coppens said...

Here in the Colonies a particularly unrefined colloquial phrase for the "act of frightfulness" is known as a poke in the whiskers.

I fear that advances in modern technology may be ring the death knell for such quaint, rustic, language. Pity.

Unfortunately the gals are walking so fast that it is all but impossible to catch a glimpse of the deforestation.

I'll have to take their word for it.

Emerson Marks said...

In all seriousness it's probably about time well hairy minges came back into fashion.

Everything comes back into fashion in the end.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Mr Coppens: A poke in the whiskers! I must make a note of that. I bet all the girls are also wearing trousers or Jeans!

Mr Marks: Well you'd think so wouldn't you? A little fringed bikini may soon be all the rage. It'd put poor Annie out of business though.

Sx

mago said...

Hello. A very motivational post. And: MJ sent me.

Jane P said...

I wonder if, whwile I'm lounging on the settee, I could get somone to tidy me up.

Jane P said...

I meant go into my back yard and tidy the shrubbery, while I'm too ill to venture out.

Jane P said...

No, that still sounded rude.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Mago: Hello and Welcome! Well, it is spring after all... and time for a major tidy.

Jane: Now you stay on the sofa, I know that Dave is good with shrubbery. Just make sure he doesn't bring his camera...

Sx

Dave said...

Dave doesn't have any idea what this is all about.

CyberPete said...

I can't come up with anything not rude so I guess I'll just keep my mouth shut.

Heh.

BEAST said...

I was grubbing around in my borders yesterday Miss Scarlet , having a good tidy up :-)

Scarlet-Blue said...

Dave: It's about gardening delights and prickly pears.

Pete: I bought weed-killer today! I reckon it's akin to waxing!

Mr Beastie: And did this make the main arrangement look bigger?

Sx

CyberPete said...

I'd say!

Waxing takes care of bugs as well right?