Monday, 6 April 2009

Touched Up

It’s very sad, but I haven’t been touched up in an age. Unlike L’Oreal ‘spokesmodel’ Linda Evangelista, she’s always being touched up. In the new ad for L’Oreal Wrinkle Decrease she’s looking unlined, expressionless and fab, but I wonder, can she actually move her face?
Myleene Klass bashes out a tune on her old Joanna as she does her bit for Pantene Pro-V - gorgeous glossy hair but her face is white-washed out. In bright contrast, the Dove Pro-age woman is so luminous that that she glows in the dark. And finally there’s the Maybelline model, flawless and poreless, air-whipped and satin perfect… Maybe it’s Maybelline? Maybe it’s CGI?
Anyhow, not to worry, the future’s bright, the future is online...

64 comments:

Dave said...

I'm sure you have no need of up-touching.

underOvr (aka The U) said...

Hi Scarlet,

When she says, "I use L'Oréal Paris because, like millions of women, I love the mix of expertise and glamour." I just think, Wow! Such a simple line from such a perferctly defined mouth.

Could anything be better? Why yes! A little presto chango and I'm watching a woman re-engineered to one-dimensional perfection as I listen to The Steve Miller Band singing .... what else?....Abracadabra

A wonderful way to kickoff my Monday morning...as I've often heard, "Timing is everything".

Thanks Scarlet

U

fairyhedgehog said...

I could really do with some serious photo-shopping.

Kate Lord Brown said...

Crikey. You imagine they photoshop the odd spot or dimple ... does this mean La Winslet, Paltrow etc really are like that?

Word ver: tubbi

Whirlochre said...

My favourite is Andie MacDowell. There's so much soft focus in those Loreal ads it's like having cataracts for 15 seconds.

sarah said...

Hey ho! *resigned sort of sigh*

Mrs Pouncer said...

I know you will all be incandescent with jealousy when you gaze on my strange and unnatural beauty. As you see, I need absolutely no improvement whatsoever, relying as I do on unorthodox injections and regular ingestions of rare serums.

Mrs Pouncer said...

Also, why make the tits smaller? What's that about? I didn't get where I am today by minimising my bosom.

Ponita in Real Life said...

I refuse to be photoshopped... I am a real woman and although I may have a few wrinkles and grey hairs, those are proof of the adventures I have experienced in my life and I am proud to say I don't try to hide them.

But, then, that's just me. ;-)

Emerson Marks said...

Yeah, they don't use anything else in the spank rags like Zoo and Nuts.

Take Hampshire's very own Lucy Pinder.

I'm not saying I wouldn't give her one, but she gets the big photoshop treatment.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Dave: Depends on what bit of me we're talking about?

Mr U: The appliance of science... makes me wonder why they bother with real models; it'd be more cost effective to do away with 'em.

Fairyhedgehog: Indeed, why bother with cosmetics and surgery? During the recession it's much cheaper to play around with CGI.

Kate: Now there has been a bit of a hoo-ha in the past involving Winslet and Vanity Fair and I think, Esquire. I think she had her legs stretched...

Mr Whirly: Yes, Andy MacDowell's ads are the funniest... actually I'm always caught by the way she says 'younger'! I think she has her frown lines enhanced and then erased... it's most peculiar.

Sarah: You still look gorgeous!

Mrs P: Sigh. I can't afford the serums, so I make do with sticky back plastic and elastic bands. And there's always egg-white and Estee Lauder.
I know... the bust could have been left alone; very odd.

Ponita: I'm in the middle! I like messing around with cosmetics, but I haven't got the stomach for surgery. I wouldn't mind messing around with photoshop for fun.
I also love the smell of loose powder... it reminds me of when I was a kid and watching my mum putting on her make-up.
I saw a programme last week about plastic surgery, and the consultant was using photo-shop to show potential clients how they could look if they went under the knife. Deceptive, I thought.

Sx

Scarlet-Blue said...

Mr Marks: I suppose it's all to do with your own imagination. The pics are just a prompt?!
Maybe they should print pics of Lucy on tissue boxes?
Sx

Emerson Marks said...

That's a very good idea, Scarlet. You ought to pitch it into her Public Relations people.

Just need a tag-line to make it sellable......hhmmmmm...

how about:....why buy a lad's mag - when you can wipe it on a rag....

That might need some work.

Ponita in Real Life said...

Scarlet, I once worked for a plastic surgeon. With great skill, amazing things can be achieved, but a lot of people have unrealistic expectations.

My face is my own, however, and I don't wear makeup except for mascara. My skin rebels against all kinds of makeup and has for years so I don't even bother. Even mascara (or actually, the removers) can cause me grief. I sometimes get my lashes tinted but it fades away within a month.

I think humans would be much more relaxed if we didn't always try to be something we are not.

Lulu LaBonne said...

Barbara Cartland always swore by a pair of flesh cloloured band aids stuck by her ears to pull up her face, also a fine chain hooked around the ears going under the chin held the wattles under control.

Personally I find that a stiff brandy keeps me happily in soft focus

Jimmy Bastard said...

Myleene Klass has a face?

MJ said...

I have a team of houseboys who airbrush me when I arise in the morning.

PI said...

Ah - if only!

KAZ said...

The moving of the face doesn't seem to matter any more does it?
We are so accustomed to botoxing and photoshopping that when we see a genuine untouchedup over 45year old on TV it can be scary.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Mr Marks: Or something like Wank and Go...? Yep, mine might need work as well....

Ponita: Yep, and L'Oreal et al are also putting these unrealistic expectations into our heads with these airbrushed images.
I do have to admit to being vain... but I do know that I'm never going to look like Linda. Actually I quite like moving my face, it comes in handy for laughing, eating... and a few other things!
P.S Are you okay with baby oil? I used to use this to take off mascara, but rinse well afterwards.

Lulu: And Barbara Cartland could do a lot with a crate of blue eye-shadow.
I smear my mirror with vaseline, I swear I still look sweet sixteen...

Mr Jimmy: I think she wants us to focus on her hair... for the time being. Crikey, she does the M&S ads as well... looks tanned and golden in those...

MJ: I have a cup of tea, CAKE and a fag before I can do anything.

Pat: Make the most of what you've got, is my philosophy. My ears stick out... but what the hell, I no longer get spots.

Kaz: Actually I'm beginning to find Linda Evangelista very scary. I think she's 43...!

Sx

EmmaK said...

Linda Evangelista - HOW DOES SHE DO IT - she looks 23!!

Okay as you say that is filler and airbrushing. But what about Rob Lowe - he still looks 23!! is he having stem cells injected into his face or what?

Autolycus said...

I did wonder where La Evangelista was hiding the bulldog clip.

WV: "cadvit" = the revitalising effect of computer-aided design. Neat, no?

Crabbers said...

Cheriiie !!!!! Comes to see, you saw!!! Call off your aesthetic surgeon, I load myself with all!!

Gorilla Bananas said...

Miss Scarlet, I'd like to try my hand at moisturising you with our natural jungle juices and creams. Your skin would tingle right down to the tips of your toes.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Emma: You're in one of your frenzies aren't you?!!
I think Rob Lowe is aging in a similar way to how Tony Curtis did. Perma-tan and eyelash curlers...

Mr Auty: I wondered if Linda was actually in the studio when they filmed the ad?
WV is being very cheeky today - it has been noted.

Crabbers: Don't worry, I'm not going under the knife and there's no need to load yourself.

Mr Bananas: I can you assure me that this will iron out my creases?

Sx

Scarlet-Blue said...

Mr Bananas: Apologies! I meant 'And' not 'I'.

Mr Jimmy: ...an hour later and I twigged what you meant...duh....

Sx

CyberPete said...

Can I hire that person to do all my photos before they are issued officially please?

Scarlet-Blue said...

Pete: We can share him or her..!
Sx

CyberPete said...

That's a deal! I am still waiting for you to move in.

Surgery is scary and I fear that the only Linda we'll end up looking like Linda Evans (present date).

Scary!

BEAST said...

This is a very girly post Miss Scarlet

Kevin Musgrove said...

I can never see the point of an actress, or even an "actress" immobilising their face.

If memory serves, young women have mobile faces.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Pete: Erm.... let's hope we don't end up like this...! Especially if we're flat sharing...
Now should I really link this?

Mr Beastie: Apologies... I'll let you get back to your love mitten.

Kev: Indeed. Actually I'm about to start a course of face exercises to tone my wrinkles.

Sx

CyberPete said...

Oh god I hope not. Or some hideous Cathrine Tate skit. Although I do quite fancy Mathew Horne

Wv: reary (saucy!)

donncoppens said...

My word Mr. Emerson Marks. I'll have you know that Lucy Pinder is as the good Lord made her!

HA! I don't believe anything that I see out here on the interwebs, in the moving pictures, or outside of my cranium for that matter.

I am a certifiably sold on solipsism and I happen to know that none of you even exist...
outside of me 'ead anyway.

:: Wendy :: said...

I've just photoshopped myself a fabulous sense of humour and a generous heart. I wonder if L'Oreal can sell it, because I'm worth it.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Pete: No, this is a clip from Gimme Gimme Gimme with Kathy Burke and James Dreyfus. It's very funny once you get into it! Both are great comedians.

Mr Coppens: It sometimes feels that way, doesn't it?!! But it'll feel all too real when you recieve the green elf shorts from Denmark though!
Congrats and welcome back!

Wendy: If they can sell it then they'll try. I reckon a lot of self-help books are trying to do just that...?

Sx

donncoppens said...

I would like to start a movement that would allow smiling, airbrushing and looking fabulous on passports.

No wonder customs officials are always suspicious. We all look like criminals in those ghastly, dour, mugshots.

Ponita in Real Life said...

Loved that clip, Scarlet! Laughed out loud!!!

As for the baby oil, I've not tried it but I have found a waterproof mascara that washes off with soap and water, which doesn't bother me at all.

Everytime I see someone who never seems to age, and I think they are doing botox, I wonder what the long term implications are of paralyzing the muscles in your face. What will they look like at 80? Will their faces fall off because the muscles have become completely useless? Their cheeks will sag down to their nipples and their foreheads will hang over their noses like an old bulldog.

Now *that* is scary!

Ponita in Real Life said...

@Donn: no kidding! My driver's license photo makes me look like a crack addict! I was freshly back from Mexico, tanned and sunbleached and in need of a haircut. Yikes!

Gadjo Dilo said...

Oh, lordy... the KGB would have loved this CGI stuff. Never mind airbrushing Trotsky out of the photographs, they could have really gone to town, scanning in Britney Spears, Girls Aloud, and given Lenin a full head of hair.

Famulus said...

I'm not worried. They'll have this machine for real sometime soon and then I'll be back in my short and little else.

Soon, really soon...

Waiting...

Dave said...

I am fairly sure that I need touching up. It will solve all my problems.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Sorry Pete I misread your comment. Just give me a slap.

Mr Coppens: By a complete fluke I looked quite good in my last passport. I was very lucky... dreading getting the pics done for my new one.
I do look very odd on my driving licence.

Ponita: I think there's a joke about future archaeologists digging up coffins and finding bones and breast implants!
Yep, it'll be interesting to see the long term effects of botox. I'd never have that done either.

Gadj: Trotsky will be on our screens soon advertising Coco pops. Lenin has signed up with Coca-Cola. Okay perhaps not... but I wouldn't be surprised if their images start being used to plug vodka. The Cheeky Girls would also be involved in this project.

Fammy: Would you like a cup of tea and a biscuit?
Airbrushing for real? Perhaps it'll happen when we're all made of plastic.

Sx

Scarlet-Blue said...

Dave: Seriously - Have you ever played around in photoshop?
Sx

Dave said...

Why do you think my avatar looks so hunky?

Scarlet-Blue said...

Dave: I have to zoom in to see it! Have you been airbrushing?
Sx

Dave said...

Well, I was playing around with it (making the dolman black and white, while I remain in colour).

My body and face are entirely untouched.

Sadly.

Crabbers said...

I deducts that from it the future it is Photoshop, L'Oréal the past !
Photoshop I am well worth it ! There is also Anmanie SMP

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

They have to use real models for open-crotch shots because the computer nerds wouldn't know what to paint in there.

I wish I'd thought of this instead of wasting three months at the gym.

Cordelia said...

Jane Fonda's terrifying motionless face is the worst advert for L'Oreal ever. "Do you too want the 'set in concrete' look?" Wrinkles, please.

Kevin Musgrove said...

The staff at the transport centre reckon that the picture on my pensioner's bus pass has been cut out of a history book on Tsarist Russia. It's not my fault that the local Photo-me-booth only provides sepia prints.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Dave: Be careful not to be touched by brushed nylon.
[Ancient Vermilion Proverb]

Crabbers: They're using the Mona Lisa now!! Goodness me!!!

Cordelia: Hello and Welcome! I agree, keeping young is about attitude, a nice smile and good shoes.

Kev: One day in the future the photo-booth will provide phot-shop so you can add your own sepia.

Sx

Madame DeFarge said...

(I am so far behind everything these days)

I'm sure that my wrinkles are waiting in the wings, waiting to descend to my ankles and wrap themselves like little tendrils round my feet, dragging me down to my doom. If I'm really lucky, maybe I could employ two handsome men to hold on them for me as a support team.

Mrs Pouncer said...

Scarla, why are you telling Cordelia such beastly lies? Staying young is about botox, detox and carrot-juice enemas. It is about being worked over by a youth with a bunch of twigs in a hazy hammam, and it is about armfuls of appalling lingerie. It is nothing to do with smiling. It is to do with scowling. Sneering even.

You are right about shoes, though.

Kevin Musgrove said...

Good God, Clarissa! It's a soldier's life in Topshop right enough.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Daphne: So sorry, I missed you!! I think you are telling the truth about the crotch shots!! Christ knows what a computer geek would put there... probably something involving rhubarb. Or beetroot. And baby oil.

Madame D: I intend to become so weak and wobbly that I'll need at least... three handsome men to act as home help.

Mrs P: Phew! I'm pleased I'm right about something. And I apologise; mine is the credit crunch version of looking youthful. I can't afford the twigs.

Kev: Is the military look back again? It all comes around too fast these days...

Sx

CyberPete said...

Tee-hee!

No dear, no slap for you.

Dave said...

Brushed nylon? I only allow silk next to my skin.

Eryl Shields said...

It's nice to know there's hope for us all!

Whirlochre said...

Funnily enough, I got some Alberto Balsam from the supermarket yesterday. There's something about the stuff that's so...Liberace's semen. It has an almost ethereal quality to it (much like what remains of my hairdo, it has to be said). Anyhow — thanks to the savvy design team at Gunge Balsam, the lettering on their latest range of products is almost impossible to read by the X Ray scanner squeal of Tesco's lighting and I misread 'chamomile' as 'diarrhoea'. Still bought it though, which proves what a chump I am.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Pete: Apologies - I should pay more attention!

Dave: What about baby oil?

Eryl: Yes there is [not that you need to worry], even without a team of surgeons we can still play with the idea of being ten years younger.

Mr Whirly: Sounds like Word Verification Code has been hitting the bottles.

Sx

Kevin Musgrove said...

Liberace's semen had an ethereal quality to it?

I hope to God that's the most disturbing image I'm offered today.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Kev: Erm... Yes, I think I put the image out of my mind and went into denial about Liberace's semen. I decided to focus on creme eggs instead.
Sx

Did Liberace have delicate semen?

savannah said...

sugar, didn't y'all see the pics i posted at mah place? ;) xoxo