Dear Mr Beastie,
I've been working as a waitress in a cocktail bar... okay so this bit isn't true, but I am working in a kitchen in a tiny bistro just downwind of the local sewerage works. I've been put in charge of salads; my problem is that chef keeps sending my efforts back to the kitchen and tells me that my salads aren't glamorous enough and that I need to learn to dress properly. Grumble - it's not like I'm wandering around nekkid. Anyhow, I tried jazzing up my salads; I added dollops of salad cream to the lettuce leaves, but apparently this wasn't good enough... so then I had a brainwave; I added hundreds and thousands, some lemon bonbons and a sprig of holly. Chef went ballistic; he started yelling and waving a banana and then he threw my plate of salad at the wall - missing my head by inches. Sigh. I know you have kitchen experience so I wondered if you could help me before I get fired?
I look forward to hearing from you,