Sunday, 3 May 2009

Jukebox Monday [Letter to Mr Beastie]

Dear Mr Beastie,

I've been working as a waitress in a cocktail bar... okay so this bit isn't true, but I am working in a kitchen in a tiny bistro just downwind of the local sewerage works. I've been put in charge of salads; my problem is that chef keeps sending my efforts back to the kitchen and tells me that my salads aren't glamorous enough and that I need to learn to dress properly. Grumble - it's not like I'm wandering around nekkid. Anyhow, I tried jazzing up my salads; I added dollops of salad cream to the lettuce leaves, but apparently this wasn't good enough... so then I had a brainwave; I added hundreds and thousands, some lemon bonbons and a sprig of holly. Chef went ballistic; he started yelling and waving a banana and then he threw my plate of salad at the wall - missing my head by inches. Sigh. I know you have kitchen experience so I wondered if you could help me before I get fired?

I look forward to hearing from you,
Many Thanks
Scarlet Blue


52 comments:

BEAST said...

Miss Scarlet .
A glamorous salad is the crowning glory of any dish.
A Perky froth of mixed leaves , bordered with lush tomato slices , perky peppers and an orgy of cucumbers .radishes and the odd cheeky olive ,drizzled with a silky slick of dressing .....
Tease ,froth , tweak and drizzle are the words Du Jour Miss S

Scarlet-Blue said...

Mr Beastie: I can drizzle and tweak with the best of 'em. My peppers are perky; I know how to tease and I always leave a slick of something or other on a napkin.
Sx

BEAST said...

I bet Fanny Craddock didn't have to put up with this sort of saucy behaviour Miss Scarlet
Tsk Tsk

Scarlet-Blue said...

Mr Beastie: Maybe I should re-name myself Fanny Blue?
Sx

xl said...

I take it that the chef's specialty is tossed salad?

mago said...

In my humble opinion a salad should be "pure". No nonsense. Just let them things and ingredients have them space. It just needs to be allowed to come together and form a special experience.

mutleythedog said...

I have lettuce and radish fresh from my allotment - thats pretty sexy aint it?

MJ said...

Mr. Beastie also has considerable experience with bananas.

Isn't that so, Beast?

Oh Hai XL!

eroswings said...

Perhaps some bacon bits (flu free, of course) would've made the salad more interesting.

CyberPete said...

The girl in the white dress almost choking on silly string. That's brilliant!

Love the song - he should ditch the ear rings

Gorilla Bananas said...

You humans don't know what salad is, Miss Scarlet. As well as eating it, I actually live on it. Beast is not a true salad aficionado, he just likes the oils and creams.

Whirlochre said...

I'd forgotten quite how much those League grllzzz enjoyed themselves.

As for Phil Oakey, I always presumed him to be the vampire son of Johnny Weissmuller.

This would be a great song to crunch Caesar salad to — rhythmically, as part of a cast of thousands a la T Mobile outside the wretched Meadowhall shopping mall in Sheffield.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Here there put sugar on lettuce. Sick, sick people.

Whirlochre, Johnny Weissmuller was actually born here in vampire country, so Phil Oakey would be one too!

Dave said...

Perhaps you should sprinkle pot noodle over it.

PI said...

Great song.
A good dressing can cover up a multitude of sins.

KAZ said...

Dressing?
Forget the vinegar - just add wine to the oil and whisk with enthusiasm.
Satisfaction guaranteed.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Mr XL: Are you calling Chef a tosser? Tut, tut, Mr XL!

Mr Mags: You've sent a shiver down my spine and you're saying you're not a sexy blogger????

Mr Mutts: Yes it is. I shall be over for lunch. I will bring my fish fingers.... and the New Pot Noodle ad.

MJ: Indeed! I know what angry Chefs do with their bananas.

Mr Swings: Lets scrap the salad altogether and have a proper fry up instead. I can do that.

Pete: I know! I have a hunch she was miming to the song!

Mr Bananas: I think Mr Beastie should re-train as a masseuse.

Mr Whirly: I watched several vids of this track and the League girl with the darker hair seems to be able to neither dance or sing. It gives me hope.

Gadj: Phil Oakey is a vampire! Blimey! I used to have a poster of him on my bedroom wall..
Sugar? On Salad? I wonder what chef would have to say about that? And where will it end? Imagine - fried chocolate salad...

Dave: Now this is an extremely good idea! Actually, cold Pot Noodle is salad, isn't it?

Pat: A good dressing can cover up a multitude of sins..
.
...and so can a big jumper...

Sx

Eryl Shields said...

I suggest you wear your tightest dress and longest lashes and ask chef to demonstrate his salad technique one night after the kitchen closes.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Kaz: I pressed 'publish' and it flashed up 17 comments, so I knew someone had snuck in... I knew it was you!
Anyhow, good idea! I may try a Moscow Mule salad...
Sx

Scarlet-Blue said...

Eryl: Chef isn't a fan of false lashes. He wasn't impressed with my special Spider Soup... and I'm not sure I want to be on the end of his flambéed banana...
Sx

Emerson Marks said...

Vine tomatoes are nice. Vine tomatoes really are very nice.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Mr Marks: Have you got a hang over? I had one yesterday...
Sx

Lulu LaBonne said...

I'd got you down as an excellent dresser Ms Scarlet. Do you think the chef might be using you as a whipping boy?

Kevin Musgrove said...

The care of the dressing depends on the vinegar stroke

Madame DeFarge said...

You need Gordon Ramsay to come in and sort him out with his rough and brusque ways. One glare from Gordo and any chef will wilt. You can reign triumphant as the sous chef, or sous anyone you choose.

Ava said...

Just making the rounds. You're a bright, saucy thing, aren't you? My pasha would find you fascinating. Perhaps a bit too blond for his liking, and definitely too smart -- but you can't be faulted for either of those. We come as we're made.

I'll definitely be back to read more.
~Ava

Scarlet-Blue said...

Ladies and Kev... I'm knackered. I polished off the Moet and Chandon Champagne on Saturday and I've also had a mishap climbing over a fence... sort of did the splits so I'm paying the price right now...

Lulu: I am indeed an excellent dresser and Chef is picking on me. I look lovely in a black dress and lacey pinny.

KEVIN: KEVIN!!!! Goodness me... interesting...

Madame D: Please excuse Kev, he was being rather suggestive and now I've completely lost my stride.
I like Marco Pierre White. He frightens me. He's like a raging bull...

Ava: Hello and Welcome! Yes, I will be visiting you too.

Sx

Kevin Musgrove said...

Blame the fence, not me. I was just pointing out the dangers of being heavy-handed with the acidic element.

Kevin Musgrove said...

It's obviously a vibe: Wendy's got Dusty Springfield on her blog at the moment; I recently had Annette Hanshaw; and now we're championing Petula Clark at Daphne's. It's surely only a matter of time before Mrs. P. starts posting Kathy Kirby.

Fragrant Liar said...

Alas, I have no kitchen experience, not even at home. Well, okay, I have a little. I like to add crumbled goat cheese and fresh blueberries to the top of a salad. Adds a little color and some interesting flavor combinations.

mapstew said...

I got something lovely for you. Come on over.

Dave said...

I think I need someone in a black dress and lacey pinny to bring me food.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Kev: D'ya know, I think I've done Downtown already.. I will have to check.

Ms Fragrant: Hello and Welcome!! Goodness me that sounds sensible! And will this go with crushed Rolos?

Mr Maps: Thank You!!!

Dave: Are stockings optional?

Sx

Dave said...

For me or you?

Jane P said...

Scarlet, I think you and I should get our waitress outfits on and go and visit Mr Dave.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Dave: You of course!
Sx

Scarlet-Blue said...

Jane: I think this is a jolly good idea, I have a bit of a spring in my step!
Sx

Dave said...

If you don't both turn up in time for dinner I'm going to be very disappointed.

savannah said...

we are taking about lettuce type salads, aren't we, sugar? xoxoxo

Kate Lord Brown said...

Without coming on too M&S food porn, best salad ever was dandelion leaves tossed lovingly in olive oil & balsamic (Riv Cafe, work). Thrifty times - a light forage for tasty ingredients something we can all do. Don't you want it baby?

Scarlet-Blue said...

Dave: What would you like for breakfast?

Savannah: I think so. It's got a bit confusing now.

Kate: Ah, yes M&S... they should save the day... again!
Credit Crunch? Don't know about you but I'm fed up with the credit crunch... is there anything new on the horizon? I quite fancy a Spring bounce.

Sx

Kevin Musgrove said...

I can't remember my last Spring bounce... I seem to recall there was some nonsense about Suez on the wireless

Scarlet-Blue said...

Kev: Okay then, how about just a bounce then?
Sx

Donn Coppens said...

When you say things like "I can drizzle and tweak with the best of 'em. My peppers are perky; I know how to tease and I always leave a slick of something or other on a napkin" I get a funny feeling in my swimsuit area.

You are the SEXIEST Blogger.

So much for enjoying your "Salad Days" eh?

Donn Coppens said...

While you were tossing in the kitchen I was Human too..
I'm on-ly Hu-man

BEAST said...

I shall book you all in for 'Glamorous salad Eucation' with deranged perfectionist Mr C .
That will sort you all out
First one to cry buys dinner

BEAST said...

That was meant to read education

Beverly Hamilton Wenham said...

You are an artist my dear! Your work is just too deep for that goon of a chef to understand the perfect simplicity of your work. We all adore you! I have missed you so!

CyberPete said...

Most acts on Top of the Pops refrained from doing live singing back then, hell even by the end they didn't. Bless them.

It often sounds better like that.

Dave said...

Oh, just a little something to nibble on, thanks.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Mr Coppens: I am blushing. I am having visions of your bulging swimsuit area...

Mr Beastie: I shall bring my credit card then...!

Beverly: Hello! Where've you been? And, pray tell, what have you been up to???

Pete: Sometimes there were some remarkable live surprises, notably from a band called 'Black' and Bros - of all people!

Dave: A honey drenched piece of toast perhaps?

Sx

Kevin Musgrove said...

you've made an old man very happy; the sweeties are in the top drawer of the cabinet