Friday, 22 May 2009

Losing My Virginity



Obviously I should have done it in Manchester, where Virgins come three times an hour. But I didn't. It was delayed and I had to wait ages. It was grubby. It was raining. The heating didn't work. And then it broke down and I woke up in the sidings. Another dream shattered.

52 comments:

Dave said...

I can think of nothing to say that might be taken as double entendre.

BEAST said...

You should have bought a 'Have it Away Day super saver' Miss Scarlet.
Would you like to play Trains and Tunels with Richard Branson ??

Scarlet-Blue said...

Dave: Did you have the good sense to go to Manchester? I wonder what Kaz has to say about this?

Mr Beastie: It was a long time ago, they didn't do special jaunts to Manchester.
I do though have to hold my hand up to an excursion in a tunnel. Richard Branson wasn't involved.

Sx

PI said...

Manchester? 'It was grubby it was raining'.
Plus ca change plus la meme...
Remind me NEVER to go back.
And as a red blooded Northerner I'm allowed to say that!

Chairman Bill said...

We silver-backs don't do trains, unless they're steam.

Strangely, the word verification is 'inerds'.

fairyhedgehog said...

I love the heart-shaped tunnel of love.

Why do my trains never go anywhere that interesting?

Emerson Marks said...

Virgin are really going for the jugular on these new ads, aren't they?

Big, friendly, boy/gile next door, everyman types going about their business.

You've got to give it to Richard Branson, sending out the vibes that he's just one of us, even though he's got his own bloody island.

I do like Richard Branson though. Not so keen on trains mind you. If I do have to go to London for work I can never seem to find a seat and nobody likes to talk.

KAZ said...

Wonderful advert, wonderful tunnel.
Most things are better done in Manchester - which is good as the ad didn't mention the prohibitive cost of the trip to the metropolis.

Whirlochre said...

Branson's beard drips with gold,
Martin Fry's pubes
with the scent of loss,
Last time I lost
my virginity
was yesterday,
over my boss.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Do fast trains get you in the mood for a long ride, Miss Scarlet?

Sarah said...

That's what I see when I look in the mirror too..blond bomshell instead of plain and mousy everyone else thnks I look like.

Dave said...

As it happens I have been to Manchester by train. I don't think I went by/with/on or whatever Virgin.

Donn Coppens said...

I'm fairly certain that only suicide bombers believe that Virgins come three times an hour...
in which case why would you need 72 of them?

the projectivist said...

i swear i'd ride public transport if i could have my own wind machine and secret assignations via the tunnel of love.

Lulu LaBonne said...

I swear I'd take public transport in the UK if I thought there was a chance it'd turn up.

I like the Virgin airplanes over to the US of A though - and that's public transport isn't it?

EmmaK said...

Hi Babes!
I have solved the problem on my blog that would not open with Internet Explorer. I removed my Friend Followers widget and hey presto I am back.

EmmaK said...

Also I don't think I have ever been to anywhere as dreary and grey as Manchester ...no wonder that's where ACCCIIIID House originated ...you needed to get high just to see some colour

Scarlet-Blue said...

Pat: I don't think I've been to Manchester...
I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things that a woman ain't supposed to see
I've been to paradise, but I've never been to Manchester...
.
.
Apologies, couldn't resist...

Mr Chairman: Don't mention Word Verification Code round here, he is the bain of my life...

Fairyhedgehog: Yes, why aren't tunnels like that in reality, all all would take would be a bit of neon and a pink feather boa.

Mr Marks: I used to like trains. They were a good excuse not to go to work. Happy days.

Kaz: Good grief! An anytime single from Euston London to Manchester Piccadilly cost £123.50!!! A next day return is £247.00... an off-peak single is £65.10... I'd want a fluffy tunnel and butler service for that price...

Mr Whirly: I've lost my virginity a few times as well...

Mr Bananas: After paying £247.00 I'd expect a nekkid Gorilla to come and give me a massage.

Sarah: Other people can be so cruel... and lack imagination.

Dave: Are you made of money??? Or did you take the slutty, cheap, well used option?

Mr Coppens: Tsk. A maths question...

Ms Project: I'd go by public transport if I had the money... I'm still recovering from the shock of looking up those prices.

Lulu: I like the airline ad. The plane is probably cheaper than the train.
I think MJ's cake link was less shocking...

Sx

Scarlet-Blue said...

Emmak: Thank you! I think there are a few blogs that I can't get into now... Old Knuddy and Mr Mutts. I have been advised to download Firefox.
I think I will have to do a Northern tour, because I've never been to Manchester or Liverpool. I doubt I'll be going by train but if I go by car I will end up in Cornwall. I like Cornwall.
Sx

Jane P said...

Oooh, if you came up north you could wave to me.

Dave said...

No, I'm not made of money. I went to Manchester on expenses [ed: oh no you didn't, you went on a train, remember?] when I was researching my book, about 8 years ago, because a lot of original documents I needed to see are held in the John Rylands Library in Manchester.

xl said...

Pick up my bag, run to the station.
Railman says you've got the the wrong location.
Pick up my bag, run right home.
Then I find I've got the number wrong.

mapstew said...

Hey Scarlet, 'ow do?
I thought it was just me havin' the prob with IE not opening blogs. Something to do with Sitemeter?

Any way, I've never been to Manchester. Just thought I'd share that. (I've never been to England!)

Have a trashy weekend. xxx

Wow, that was awkward said...

Just don't ever hop on the wrong trian. The ride might be fun but it sucks to get dropped off in the middle of nowhere.

Kevin Musgrove said...

This advert's utter bollocks: yeah, like they ever show train times on the destination board at Euston; and they have an on-train shop that doesn't close before it gets past Mornington Crescent; and the train doesn't stop at Hemel Hempstead so that you can all decamp onto a bus to Stafford. Otherwise it's just like real life.

Give us a shout when you come up.

Eryl Shields said...

I love Manchester, I've only been once but it was great: the people are quite shockingly cheery and as for Selfridges food hall...

We don't have food halls like that in Scotland.

laughingwolf said...

sir richard have plans to expand into canada, scarlet?

we have miles and miles of empty spaces ;) lol

savannah said...

the politicians keep talking about a high speed rails here in georgia. it costs more to fly up (45 minute flight) to atlanta (4 hrs via car) than it does to fly across the entire damn country to the west coast! ridiculously insane *sigh* xoxox

(love the advert)

ChrisV82 said...

It's probably better to lose your virginity en route to Manchester than it is to lose it in Montana - http://www.montanameth.org/ads/run/Pri_bathroom.jpg

the projectivist said...

i never have any probs opening blogs - i DO have firefox, maybe give that a try?

jekandhyd said...

I met Richard Barnson once. He was on the same Virgin flight as me to NY. He made a point of holding everyone up when we landed so he could shake hands with everyone getting off the plane. When he got to me I said, "Nice planes, shame about the trains". He dropped his hand and his smile and looked straight past me.

CyberPete said...

He really should pull up his trousers. The sloppy git.

It should always be at the Ritz or the Sanderson (or maybe Hotel Russell?) in a suite with Champagne, strawberries, 24 hr room service and someone better looking than that sloppy git.

Please tell me, that was the case.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Jane: I would pop in for a cup of tea and a biscuit.

Dave: Hmmm... I think 'expenses' is a dirty word. Jeez Dave, you could have walked...

Mr XL: She's gotta ticket to ride. I think she might care because it's a flipping expensive one...

Mr Maps: I've never been to Ireland, but I will one day, it's on my list.
I've heard that the followers gadget was interferring with IE, and it's also a known blogger problem... but I've done the Firefox thing now because I've had this problem before.

Mr Awkward: Hmmm... you'd think I'd learn... but I'm always getting on the wrong train to nowhere special.

Kev: I put this ad up especially for you! I thought you'd have something to say...

Eryl: I suppose for you Manchester is down south? I must go there one day. I have been to Glasgow and Edinburgh though!

Erm... going to have a fag break...

Sx

Scarlet-Blue said...

Mr Wolfy: There is also lots of empty space in my head...! I do wonder if Sir Richard has plans...?

Savvy: It's cheaper for me to fly to Cornwall than go by train to Manchester... I have been doing my research... I didn't even know that I could fly to Cornwall until yesterday... I'm going to do it...

Chris: Ugh! I think I'd prefer the train too... perhaps the Orient Express would be more up my alley.

Ms Project: I have downloaded Firefox! IE asks so many damn silly questions, it's like having to fill in a long winded form on every click.

Jekandhyd: I know that look! I've worked with many men who were masters of that look... I think they practiced on me.

Pete: It's a sad and woeful story. Quite funny in a way...
Live and learn. Pink Floyd were playing in the background... good grief...

Sx

tony said...

I,m going into Manchester by train this afternoon!'Arriving at Manchester Victoria which [thankfully] has no Virgins!

CyberPete said...

Sounds delightful Miss Scarlet.

Mine was MC Sar and the Real McCoy. At least people still remember Pink Floyd.

Ava said...

Just wait until Mr. Branson gets his rocket fired up! Do you have a ticket? I do. I'm going to see if I can have my virginity surgically restored before then.

MJ said...

Could you expand on that 'carpet burns' tag?

Scarlet-Blue said...

Tony: The virgins appear to be flocking to Manchester Picadilly.

Pete: Pink Floyd was the most memorable thing about it!

Ava: Ah yes, virgin restoration! Hmmm... but I think virginity is also a state of mind. I know too much. Possibly.

MJ: The second most memorable thing about the experience! Okay, maybe not.

Sx

WV: treat... indeed!

Word Verification Code said...

torser

CyberPete said...

Bless!

Gadjo Dilo said...

Virgins can be so disappointing, Scarley, and they should know better than to tempt us ;-)

Fragrant Liar said...

Three times an hour!? Woo-hoo! That's a train I wanna be on. :)

Dave said...

Well, congratulations! Your prediction of last night's lottery numbers was spot on!!

Number 12 did indeed come up.

Sadly, 6, 8 21, 25 and 33 did not.

You owe me £1.

Crabbers said...

I was in oration when I learn the horrible new one... I jump... I fly... I rush to support you, Madam, in the painful test of life, it is necessary to be kind with the women; even with hers. ..Surtout if she is virgin!!

Scarlet-Blue said...

Sorry Dave!!!!

I'm having a busy weekend, I haven't drooped or even dropped off the blogosphere... will be back tomorrow to answer comments.
Sx

eroswings said...

Come on ride the train,
Hey ride it,
Woo Woo!
Luv train rides--esp. when I can afford it :)

Cordelia said...

If I saw anyone oogling the departure board in Euston as hungrily as that girl does, I'd be seriously alarmed. Having said that, I've clearly been getting the wrong trains all my life.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Pete: Indeed!

Gadj: All that built up hope... and then it's gone in a trice!

Ms Fragrant: Multiple trains? Got to be good...

Dave: Once again, apologies.... maybe these were the numbers for the next lottery draw...?

Crabbers: Christ, I wish I was a French woman.

Mr Swings: I don't think anyone can afford the virgin trains. New rolling stock.. still needs breaking in - hence the hefty price tag.

Cordelia: Haven't we all?! Sometimes I sneak into first class though.

Apologies.. I'm still very busy all of a sudden.

Sx

librarylizzie said...

Oh Scarls...that brings memories flooding back. 1984, and going by train from London to Manchester to see my boyfriend who had just started at the Poly. Mind you, there weren't any virgins involved then. He subsequently dumped me on New Years Eve. I ended up at the same seat of learning two years later, and used to see him selling the Socialist Worker outside the Union building (which was called Mandela, although I have a feeling it might have been named for Winnie). Anyway, i'm sure his parents were proud that all the money they spent on his education at one of the country's top private school hadn't been wasted ;-)

Elizabeth Bradley said...

Gorilla Bananas comment cracked me up.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Lizzie: Apologies, I have so lost my mojo that I thought I'd answered these too comments!
Sounds like you had a lucky escape... now you only have the drumming to deal with.

Elizabeth: Another Lizzie! Apologies, I have so lost my mojo etc...
Mr Bananas is good value for money! Always.

Sx