Tuesday, 30 June 2009

Dyson does Dallas - The Sequel

Last October I thought of a way for credit crunched advertisers to save money: Instead of fifty or sixty 30sec. ads between programmes; what if the advertisers all club together to make a commercial mini movie? Anyhow, here is the sequel.


Beat temptations with Special K mini breaks




Life has not been kind to Mindy, Molly and Duncan. The credit crunch has hit them hard. They are no longer smooth operators; they are no longer chauffeur driven to their work place in a Vauxhall Zafira and Molly and Duncan are no longer exquisitely beautiful. Sadly, Duncan and Mindy are now working in the accounts department of a global international fancy dress factory in Camber, and Molly has moved into catering. They have all tried to embrace their new life-styles. Each morning they strap on Tena incontinence pads and ride their camels across the dunes until they reach the office. Before the working day begins, they head to the communal toilets where Mindy changes into Little Red Riding Hood; Molly becomes a wicked witch and Duncan is a mucky devil. They no longer chat about L’Oreal hair care products – Duncan is bald, Molly has a hat and Mindy prefers Pantene.
By about 11am, Mindy is feeling bored and peckish and starts to fidget around like a famished ferret looking for a spare trouser leg. Duncan grins devilishly and teases her with his cheesy balls. Mindy is tempted and she chews her fingernails to demonstrate how tortured and tempted she is.
Meanwhile, Molly is roaming around the corridors with her tea trolley and trays of lard laden bakery products. The change has not been good to her. She has gone a bit grey, and too much munching on Maltesers [despite being less than 190 calories per bag] have made her figure fuller, so that the only outfit that fits her is an apron and a funny hat. She is bitter and when she sees Mindy looking svelte and glamorous in her fancy red frock, she lets rip and offers up a cream stuffed muffin. Again Mindy chews her fingernails to indicate that she is distressed, yet strangely tempted. Mindy sighs. Neither Duncan nor Molly understand her…. if she eats too much she will burst out of her corseted costume and will end up being fit for nothing but the arse end of a pantomime cow. And so, to beat temptation, she nibbles demurely on a her Kelloggs Mini Breaks - crunchy, biscuity, cardboardy and only 99 calories a bag. She is starving, but saint-like, as once again Duncan gets naked and Molly plays around with his bubbling Aero [like in the original – this is a sequel after all]. By 3.30pm Duncan is tired of dunking Molly’s Toblerone Triangle and Molly has done all she can with his Wotsits… so they both pack away their edibles and bugger off to the pub, leaving Mindy to clear up the chocolatey, biscuity, mucky mess, which is strewn across the factory floor. Mindy isn’t bothered, she prefers to work alone. Dyson Flexi Crevice Tool? or Dyson Wand Handle? Either way she will be consumed with pleasure.

....my work is done...

29 comments:

BEAST said...

I like Mindy's method acting , a chewed fingernail can say many things :-)

Rog said...

I think you've made some of this up. Nobody would call their child Zafira.

Kevin Musgrove said...

Duncan's due a visit from the nit nurse: the little buggers are starting to live in tower blocks.

Jimmy Bastard said...

I like your way of thinking Ms Scarls. But surely Molly would have been doing hard time in Holloway after axe murdering the comedian who styled her hair using only a pigs trotter and a rake?

He really should have gone to Specsavers.

xl said...

I have co-workers very much like Duncan and Mindy ... except they aren't offering treats.

KAZ said...

Excellent Scarlet - your blog is becoming an up market Soap.
Mindy, Molly and Duncan can rival Diedre, Ken and Rita any day.
We await the next episode.

CyberPete said...

Vauxhall Zafira?

Oh no!

Dave said...

I've just noticed this blog is full of innuendo and porn.

I may have to stop reading it.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Ooooh, I still can't do these Dyson posts without wincing. Sorry, have to look away.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Mr Beastie: she's probably sucking on the crumbs from a previous meal.

Rog: But I've noticed that there are quite a few Insignias about.

Kev: Duncan has had plenty of infestations in his time. He's always proffering his Wotsits.

Mr Jimmy: Specsavers? I can see what you're saying... I will start working on it.

Mr XL: Have you checked to see what's going on in the broom cupboard late at night?

Kaz: Nobody can rival Ken, Dierdre and Rita or their asymmetrical hemlines!

Pete: I think a camel is more glamorous.

Dave: I think I ought to stop writing it!

Gadj: Apologies! Did you have an unpleasant childhood experience involving a Dyson? It's not unheard of.

Sx

Lulu LaBonne said...

I want to know what xl's co-workers are offering.

You clearly get good use from your Dyson Scarlet

Whirlochre said...

I'm fortunate in that I have a recession-busting spare Dyson wand in my attic.

zIggI said...

I think Dave should play Duncan

PI said...

Phew! I might have come to that sticky end. Tell me if you ever come across Kellog's 'Three Girls' made circa 1955.
For some reason I can't get the video to play.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Pat: Sticky end?!!!
I will look for the ad...
Sx

Scarlet-Blue said...

Lulu: Dyson have so many accessories and attachments - is there anything that this vacuum can't do?
I want to know why Gadj is frightened of Dysons...

Mr Whirly: Well, overuse wears them down... always good to have a spare.

zIggI: Hello and Welcome! I think Dave would like to play Duncan... he has the right kind of hair...

Sx

Donn said...

I agree with KAZ this Fantasy Blog is quite upmarket...your blogshare stats must be going through the roof? Have you checked them?

Advertising is an interesting phenom innit? It would be cheaper for companies to just hire an attractive, young, escort to pick up their demographically-targeted client at home and drive them down to the store to purchase their f*cking product and then they get laid "proper".

Product is moving out of the warehouse, shareholders are happy, Ad wizard gets to look like a genius, escort makes a little extra tuition money, customer gets his/her oil changed, and without TV Ads we get to watch entire shows on the telly.

Dave said...

I no longer have the right hair.

I do have my own lycra though...

Scarlet-Blue said...

Mr Coppens: Upmarket? Me?
*chokes on fish finger sandwich*

Dave: Do you have Wotsits stuffed in your lycra?

Sx

Dave said...

There's a whole picnic there.

eroswings said...

That Mindy is an expert! She knows how to get into those crevices and hard to reach places. She's found a great way to fight off temptation: Cleanliness is next to Godliness.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Dave: And a couple of beetroots?

Mr Swings: Quite so, she knows how to find those hard to reach places.
She hoovers under her rug.

Sx

Madame DeFarge said...

I'm constantly drawn into your world. Which worries me. I'm actually starting to care about these peeople.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Madame D: I know... I think I should plan something nice for Molly... perhaps she should win a trip to Pontins or get a job with Morrisons so that she can push her shopping trolley through fields full of sheep?
Sx

Kevin Musgrove said...

If it were a proper Morrisons she'd be pushing her sheep through a field of shopping trolleys.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Kev: I dread to think what she'd be pushing if I sent her to Asda...
Sx

CyberPete said...

Or a donkey!

mutleythedog said...

Has anyone ever tasted a ghastly special k mini thingey? I have and they go nicely with marmite...

Scarlet-Blue said...

Pete: Yep... even a Donkey is more glamorous than a Zafira...

Mr Mutts: Erm... no I haven't tried mini-breaks... not quite Fray Bentos, are they?!

Sx