Thursday, 18 June 2009

Oral



Cathy is not a dentist [she states this quite clearly], she has spent the last 4 months detained at Her Majesty's pleasure in Holloway as she had been caught making films containing scenes of torture and abuse. She is now unemployed but enjoys dressing up as an air hostess. Cathy has toothache and an oral fetish; she has broken into the dental surgery to practice her technique. Mr Davis [the real dentist] is startled to find her in his surgery handling his scarifying tool, but he is impressed by her tonguing action and her willingness to get her teeth into the subject. He has a professional interest in her misshapen mandibles. Unfortunately Cathy gets far too excited, goes a bit wild and starts flashing her Crest. Her obsessive scrapping causes her to slip and knock her front tooth out on the narcosis apparatus. She is crestfallen. Mr Davis ushers her into his black leather chair for a thorough examination. Cathy sighs as she feels him in her mouth - she is in her element, she begins to froth and lets him poke around until he finds and fills her all of her cavities...

33 comments:

savannah said...

sugar, you need to be writing screenplays! these are magnificent treatments! hell, i'd greenlight any of of them! xoxoxo

jekandhyd said...

All my family have a fear of the dentist - I blame the film Marathon Man. When last my mother visited her practitioner (I think Alex Douglas Hume was PM at the time) she stated that she would rather have a baby then a filling. This confused her dentist as he was then unsure how to best position the chair.

BTW, I have never understood why HRH has to go to a prison to get her pleasure - must be somthing to do with inbreeding in the Royal family I think

PI said...

I swear that's the suit Diana wore on her engagement to Chas.

Whirlochre said...

I paid a visit to my dentist only last Thursday and I'm afraid to say the plight of NHS dentistry and the depths of innuendo are as one: in and out in a couple of minutes.

xl said...

It appears that I can use Crest to remove grout from bathroom tiles!

MJ said...

This is a job for Lemming of the BDA.

Oh Hai XL!

Mr London Street said...

Did you spit the funny tasting liquid out into the sink afterwards?

Chairman Bill said...

You could be sued under the trades description act. That video was nothing like what you promised.

Hay is having a wisdom tooth extraced today. Hopefully it will solve her transgeminal neuralgia symptoms.

eroswings said...

I hope she practices good hygiene, lest she ends up with an infection from having things in her mouth!

Dave said...

I dare not watch the video after the review.

KAZ said...

I remember this - it's a scene from 'Carry on Dentist'.

Jimmy Bastard said...

Pat, well spotted. I do believe you are correct.

Lulu LaBonne said...

Bring back people in fancy dress to the dental waiting room! if there was an air steward floating around while my dentist got to work I'd feel a lot better - probably

Scarlet-Blue said...

Savvy: Thank you Savvy! Special adverts for special films! Kinda red light...

Mr Jekand: All the tartar scraping sets my teeth on edge... and the spitting... and the close up view of my dentist's nostril hair... he could at least pluck.
The Royal family are a funny lot and the Queen has to get her pleasure somewhere.

Pat: Of course it is! Cathy is a Princess Di impersonator. This is all getting rather kinky.

Mr Whirly: I have never had that experience. It is always a long protracted affair.

Mr XL: An excellent suggestion! I will try it this afternoon.

MJ: He looks like he knows what to do with a scarifying tool...

Mr Streets: It's polite to swallow.

Mr Chairman: Inevitably I will be sued. Proctor and Gamble lurk in my site metre.

Mr Swings: She brushes her tongue on a regular basis and enjoys using a Pulsar.

Dave: I was waiting for you to tell me to wash my mouth out.

Kaz: Bob Monkhouse and Kenneth Connor with a whitening toothpaste - that's the one!

Mr Jimmy: Pat is indeed correct... crafty advertisers...

Sx

Scarlet-Blue said...

Lulu: Nothing would make me feel comfortable going to the dentist...! It hurts!
Sx

Dave said...

I've just watched the video after all. I rather fancy her.

Oh, and wash your mouth out, young lady.

mapstew said...

Naughty Scarlet!
I feel let down now.

The Dotterel said...

Did you hear about the French teacher who wrote 'eerily erotic' on a fifth-form boy's report? She meant orally erratic!

mago said...

"Riding on the crest of a wave ..."

Kevin Musgrove said...

Nay, lass, that was "Dentist on the Job." It will surprise you not one bit to know it also included Shirley Eaton.

Madame DeFarge said...

My favourite dentist was Steve Martin in 'Little Shop of Horrors'. Now there was a man who could put a filling in me any day.

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

There is weirdness afoot on this comments thread. I am in the middle of reading a book in which Kenneth Connor and Shirley Eaton in a Carry On film feature prominently. I'm making myself a tin foil hat forthwith.

Kevin Musgrove said...

"Carry On Constable?"

(doesn't admit to what he's been doing this week with a stack of old videos)

Scarlet-Blue said...

Dave: She's very domineering, isn't she...? Margaret Thatcher also wore suits like that...

Mr Maps: Sorry Mr Maps! I'm trying to promote a positive approach to dental hygiene.

Mr Dotts: It probably amounted to the same thing!

Mr Mags: A request! Well as it's you, here is the tune.

Kev: I should have called this post "Dentist on the Job" shouldn't I?
Shirley Eaton, yes, of course.

Madame D: Goodness me! You have become rather frisky since your holidays!!

Daphne: Are you reading 'What A Carve Up'? Fab book.

Kev: 'What A Carve Up'? I've got it on video... it's fun to watch it whilst reading the novel!

Sx

Donn said...

For years Dentists had a lock on having the highest rate of suicide amongst professionals..now Psychiatrists have surpassed them.

Now that the layman can obtain accurate scientificky medical information on the internet, I have my money on Chiropractors ascending the throne.

Crabbers said...

A woman at the dentist...
It goes up to the armchair to begin its job...
She catches him... Humph!... "Gesticulate"!
He says to him " Aow! Madam you is not it arm-rest which you hold there... "
She answers him " Yes! And now, we are going to be very careful and to try not to hurt, either the one, or other one! Agreed? "

Gadjo Dilo said...

To avoid the images of stainless steel probing decaying gums which always make me throw up, I imagined she was saying "Crest, the toothpaste that will keep the Tartars away... (I dunno, imagine them as germs, spread line of it from the Volga to the Bosphorus and just watch their crazy-eyed frustration...)

CyberPete said...

Who knew dentistry could sound that appealing?

Kate Lord Brown said...

Cathy looks very minty fresh doesn't she? Do not like dentists. Had a sadistic one as child (olivier/martin mould). Bit him v hard.

jekandhyd said...

I hate the anaesthetic needle. In order to avoid this I tried sitting cross-legged on the floor for an hour, just saying the word "oomm" over and over again. I was told it's something called "transcend-dental-medication"

Dave said...

Whatever happened to Mondays?

Scarlet-Blue said...

Mr Coppens: It's true! Why do we need the medical profession anymore when rude health can be achieved with nothing more than a scalpel, ball of string, a bottle of whiskey and the collected works of Sigmund Freud?

Crabbers: The best armchairs go up and down. They are often motorised and have a compartment for magazines and a spare pair of binoculars.

Gadj: Same here! The scraping... even the thought of the scraping makes me retch. I think the tartar does help to keep my teeth in place though.

Pete: We have to try to make it sound appealing! It's hell though!

Kate: Well done you! I think I kicked my dentist once when I was trying to escape...

Mr Jeykand: Very good... I shall pass you a Scarlet gold star.

Dave: Is it Monday?

Sx

Joanna Cake said...

I havent had a filling since I started using Crest toothpaste... and that was 25 years ago so Im not knocking it.