Wednesday, 23 September 2009

Drive Sexy

Here we see Maureen from Margate. Despite eating five pots of yoghurt a day Maureen is still feisty and has plenty of verve. She has just stolen a wedding dress, a white dinner jacket, a picnic hamper and a Val Doonican CD from Bhs and is now cruising in her brand new Peugeot intent on snaring a man with whom she can share her booty. After turning right on the roundabout at the top of Bromley High Street, Maureen finds herself on the A30 where she spots hitchhiker Gavin.
Gavin is an unemployed petrol pump attendant from Plymouth seeking work on Bodmin moor. He has not been lucky. As he recovers from being knocked over by a coach load of pensioners on a day trip to Glasgow he is attracted by the sight of Maureen’s bumpers. They are wonky and need realigning. Pleased with Gavin’s attentions Maureen lifts her bonnet and displays her engine. Gavin is immediately drawn to her magnetic stack and is blown away by her gear head efficiency. After checking her big end and playing with her hooters Gavin collapses in the passenger seat and allows Maureen to give him the drive of his life. She does several miles down Fanny Avenue; enters Butt Hole Road; gets a bit lost in Lickfold before leading him astray in Ladygate Lane. Gavin is quite relieved when they arrive in Cardiff.
In Gretna Green, Mike, the Mexican Priest, is waiting to perform the wedding ceremony for Gavin and Maureen. He is fond of his nuptials. When they arrive he does his best Elvis impersonation, he wiggles his pistons, reaches a point of high excitation and blesses their future by writing a heartfelt message on the rear window of their filthy 207. They are wed. And Maureen is happy that she spent her money learning to drive sexy.

Sunday, 20 September 2009

Wonderful Life [Jukebox Monday]

I have been tagged by Mr Gyppo to write a list of once in a life time experiences that I wouldn't like to ever, ever experience ever again... ever. Sounds straightforward.

1) Being Dressed up as a kangaroo.
2) Slamming my thumb in a train door [an oddly queasy experience when you realise what is preventing you from taking your seat]
3) Falling into a ditch of stinging nettles.
4) Being stood on by a donkey.
5) The sinking feeling I felt when I realised that the very very important document that the whole office had been hunting high and low for, for at least two days, had been on my desk all along.
6) Being dressed up as Humpty Dumpty.
7) Falling off a wall whilst dressed up as Humpty Dumpty.
8) Being stopped by the police whilst dressed up.
9) Being packaged as a doll in an art exhibition and not being allowed to move... or laugh.
10) Using a home hair colouring kit which may have turned my hair ginger. I DID IT ONCE, GOD DAMNIT, I AM NOT GINGER NOW.

I would like to pass this tag onto: Kerrie; Savvy; Pat; Madame D; Mr XL; Mr Swings; Mr Mags; ZIggI and of course... Dave.

Sigh. Meanwhile, here is a tune.

Tuesday, 15 September 2009

Slugging It Out

When slugs die they leave great big blobs of jelly on footpaths and doorsteps. If you come into contact with a great big blob of jelly you are likely to slip and cause damage to your rear. It is a national disgrace that more isn't done to warn the general public about the perils of dead slugs. I propose that every bush and herbaceous border in England is surrounded by that yellow tape stuff to highlight this real and very present danger.

I thank you.

I still haven't moved.