Sunday, 31 May 2009

Skool Report

I've been sorting through some old boxes in the attic and I came across my old school reports. I don't often write about myself, it's much more fun being written about. All you really know about me is that I am not ginger. Anyhow, as it is my bloggy first birthday on June 2nd, I thought I would share with you some snippets from my reports...

English: 'Scarlet works conscientiously and she's reached a high standard. Her written work is sensitive and perceptive. She is well above average and has a flair for this subject. She is a pleasure to teach.' - Mr B [I fancied him]

Geography: 'Scarlet produces good work of an average standard but is sometimes too easily distracted. Her attitude in class is not always good.' - Mr H [Yeah, but I still got an A grade]

Science: 'Scarlet appears to be making up her mind as to whether she will work or play the fool. Such indecision is a waste of time and is the cause of her declining work standards. Much effort must be made as Scarlet's standard is not good. Test result below average.' - Mr S [I didn't fancy him]

Maths: 'A poor effort this term! Scarlet must make every effort to improve her classwork which is lagging behind. She is capable of a higher standard.' - Miss H [Ho Hum]

Music: 'Scarlet is very down to earth and working well with an intelligent approach.' - Mr EJ [He was cute]

Art: 'Scarlet is lacking some confidence in her own ability which she covers up by "teenage giggling", when this phase passes I'm sure she will benefit from the more serious approach which is bound to take place in a girl as perceptive as Scarlet is. She is well capable of heights as yet undreamed of.' - Mrs W [Well, there was this boy in my class who I helped with his life drawing exercises...]

Overall: 'A mixed report. I hope Scarlet will take careful note of the disappointing comments and decide to improve matters herself. She can be very pleasant, though recently she has preferred to be condescending in her attitude. It is to be hoped that she will behave in a more mature manner from now on.' - House Mistress [*Blows raspberry*]

Note from Headmaster: 'I shall want to see Scarlet with all her reports next term.' [We had a pot of tea and a nice chat and became best friends - weird]

Hmmm.... I'm beginning to see a pattern....



Thursday, 28 May 2009

Lost At Sea

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Because my mojo is lost at sea I decided to set off on a quest to find it. I travelled far and wide, over hill, down dale, through the shopping mall and left at the traffic lights... and I eventually found myself at Beachy Head. I gazed out to sea, in a kind of thoughtful romantic way that I've seen heroines do in films. I hoped for a flood of inspiration. The wind gusted. The sea crashed on the rocks below [this is a lie, but I'm trying to create a mood - clever eh?], but there was still no sign of my lost mojo. So then I thought: what the heck, it's gone, bugger it, I can do without it, whatever. I found my way down to the shore. I walked along a bit, and there, sunbathing behind a rock, was a nekkid old man. I admired his tan and tried to compose a comment... but then I realised that he was real... and that this was life imitating blogs...

Tuesday, 26 May 2009

What Day Is It?

I am all at sea and I've totally lost my mojo/groove/thingy-wotsit-thingy-me-jig. To help me get it back again I have found these lovely chaps. I can't imagine that they ever loose their grooves, or for that matter, their wotsits.
Oh... I forgot the slip-slap-sloppy-sliver at the weekend, so now I am burnt.



Now I feel better...

Friday, 22 May 2009

Losing My Virginity



Obviously I should have done it in Manchester, where Virgins come three times an hour. But I didn't. It was delayed and I had to wait ages. It was grubby. It was raining. The heating didn't work. And then it broke down and I woke up in the sidings. Another dream shattered.

Tuesday, 19 May 2009

That's Life!

Do you ever feel really bleurghhhhhh? Just lately I've been feeling very bleurghhhhh. I am more vapid than usual and the most interesting thought to cross my mind today was: 'Oh, my eyes look pretty with mascara and eyeliner'. I am dull with ennui. Nothing appears to be raising my spirits; I have not a blink of inspiration. What is to become of me?
Perhaps I need a new challenge? I need something new to feel passionate about. A new raison d'etre. Perhaps I should become an MP? Esther Rantzen is going for it, so why not me? I too am a champion for the consumer, and I too have an unhealthy interest in wonky vegetables. I do have the odd hour to spare and Mr Beastie seems to think it would be a good idea... Okay, so I failed my maths 'O'Level, and I'm not good at confrontation... Jeremy Paxman would wipe the floor with me, but my eyes do look very pretty with mascara and eyeliner so I would look rather good on the cover of Vogue...

P.S Is it me or has blogger gone a bit funny? I keep having problems refreshing my page and my blogrol isn't updating properly... it's me isn't it? It's me that needs refreshing. Sob. Neurotic tantrum imminent...

Sunday, 17 May 2009

The Tarot Readings Begin...

This is the first in a series of eagerly awaited Tarot reading posts. Please remember that these readings are for fun and entertainment purposes only and should not be taken at all seriously because I am not psychic and cannot foresee the future. It is also worth noting that your home is at risk if you do not keep up repayments on a mortgage or other loan secured on it.
Okay, so that's all the legal blurb out the way.

Mr XL

PAST:- Are you a redhead Mr XL? Or do you know a redheaded person who has played an important role in your life? In the past you've been a bit of a dreamer, but you've been restless as well... you've been dissatisfied with things. In a nutshell, you've had tons of brilliant ideas but somehow you've never nurtured your potential, which has left you feeling stifled and oppressed.

PRESENT:- Hmmmm... You've been at odds with yourself in the past, but you are now entering a phase of self knowledge and self understanding, which is about to send you on a new journey [possibly to Australia? Who knows...?] And you are about to embrace life in a way that you have been afraid to do in the past. Something has happened recently to make you see things differently.

FUTURE:- Yep.... The cards are telling you to throw caution to the wind, you've been bogged down with responsibilities for far too long. You are going to go on a wild spree where you will be revitalised by a youthful daring. You're going to strip off and streak through the future like a creature possessed. Buy the new car that you've had your eye on for the last five years; go on that holiday...
But be warned - you may have to give up a few things before you can do this. Possibly your clothes... and all of your money...

Now, while Mr XL ponders on these in-depth and life changing revelations, here is a tune for the rest of us... Cos it's Jukebox Monday as well.



***UPDATE*** I have nicked the Tarot Card test from Kate, so now you can take the test for a free personality reading.

Wednesday, 13 May 2009

Tough, But Gentle Too...



I have often wondered what it would be like to be a mum. According to Persil being a mum involves doing a lot of laundry and not being able to afford pretty hats. Their latest ad features Marion, a single mother of two sons and five daughters. Marion has just been mugged for the last packet of Birds Eye fish fingers and is now lying prostrate down the washing powder aisle in Asda; her whole life is flickering before her like a series of old TV commercials. The five daughters never needed much care, they never got grubby; they were all born with an innate understanding of the extra spin cycle and how to handle excessive foam. It was in their jeans. The daughters were neatly washed and scrubbed and dispensed into the world shortly after their fourteenth birthdays. The two sons, now 45 and 48 respectively, still live at home with their mum. Neither has the ability to set foot outside the house without becoming plastered in mud, mustard, banana, Bacardi, lipstick or baby oil. And, even though both became quantum physicists, neither have ever mastered the art of how to pour Persil. Indeed, the laundry room has always been out of bounds. It is their mother’s secret private place where they must never venture, curiosity has left them scolded. Marion is tough but gentle and knows where, and how, to seek Comfort. Sometimes late at night they hear the rumbling of the much loved washing machine accompanied by their mother’s squeals of delight as she deals with stain after stain after stain, whilst straddling the spin drier.
Regaining consciousness, Marion smiles to herself… to hell with pretty hats.... the rewards of motherhood come thick and fast.

Monday, 11 May 2009

Short Fuse...



AAARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH! I think this is self explanatory....

Friday, 8 May 2009

Bloomin' Lovely!

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I am lovely! Well okay, perhaps not all the time, but occasionally. I know I am lovely because Mr Maps has given me an award saying I am. He is very sweet and lovely himself although he pretends otherwise. Erm... there is one problem though; the award is pink and will clash hideously with everything else on my sidebar. It also looks like it has been knitted by a favourite Auntie... but because I am lovely I will clasp it to my heaving bosom and treasure it anyway... although it may find itself pushed to the bottom of the drawer along with the Fair Isle nightie and matching bikini.
Anyhow, I don't have to do anything to accept this award other than pass it on to 15 more lovely bloggers. Crikey. You are all lovely, but I'm passing this award on to 5 lovelies: Dave; Pat; Mr Beastie; Mr XL and Pete. And as promised to Pat, here is my bluebell pic...

I now have to go to a dark quiet place to study my Tarot cards....

Wednesday, 6 May 2009

Predictions

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I have been asked to reprise my role as Madame Ga Ga at my Auntie Avril's village fete. I was something of an unlikely success last year. Originally I had planned to gaze into a crystal ball but then I got my mitts on a pack of Tarot cards. I'm not really very good. I tell people that my readings are only for fun and entertainment. I cannot predict the future. Even though I emphasise this, and I really do stress that I don't know what I'm talking about, complete strangers still tell me that I'm spot on... and then they tell me intimate details about themselves. Financial woes and bedroom antics. Accidents and mishaps. It's very humbling.
Anyhow, I need to practice; generally I make it up as I go along and use the cards as prompts, I don't even do a proper spread cos this would take too long. I do a simple three card spread: Past, Present, Future... well, I was wondering if anyone would like a cyber-reading? I will sit by candle light and focus on your avatar, perhaps I will stroke it gently or press my nose against it, then I'd get it into my mind's eye and feel your vibe etc [that sort of stuff] and do a reading.
Obviously I wouldn't read your blog from post to post to gain the necessary insight... that would be silly...

Sunday, 3 May 2009

Jukebox Monday [Letter to Mr Beastie]

Dear Mr Beastie,

I've been working as a waitress in a cocktail bar... okay so this bit isn't true, but I am working in a kitchen in a tiny bistro just downwind of the local sewerage works. I've been put in charge of salads; my problem is that chef keeps sending my efforts back to the kitchen and tells me that my salads aren't glamorous enough and that I need to learn to dress properly. Grumble - it's not like I'm wandering around nekkid. Anyhow, I tried jazzing up my salads; I added dollops of salad cream to the lettuce leaves, but apparently this wasn't good enough... so then I had a brainwave; I added hundreds and thousands, some lemon bonbons and a sprig of holly. Chef went ballistic; he started yelling and waving a banana and then he threw my plate of salad at the wall - missing my head by inches. Sigh. I know you have kitchen experience so I wondered if you could help me before I get fired?

I look forward to hearing from you,
Many Thanks
Scarlet Blue


Friday, 1 May 2009

Pot Noodle

Emerson [Bless 'im] has given me The Sexy Blogger Award!


Oh Emerson, how wrong you are! I am not sexy. I am smutty and mucky. But I will accept the award nonetheless. It will look pretty on my sidebar [cos it's red]. Anyhow to accept the award I have to list 5 things that make me smutty [only 5?]. Okay then....

1) I know how to dunk.

2) I like the goo from Cadbury's Creme Eggs.

3) I have a carpet burn on my nose.

4) I know that oranges are best served up with a black bin liner and a length of white cable.

5) And finally, if Mrs P is a culinary four course extravaganza, served in only the best restaurants in town [such as Claridges], then I am a Pot Noodle gobbled up down a back alley - a grubby secret yet instantly gratifying...



I'd like to pass this award on to Eryl because she oozes sex appeal.