Wednesday, 22 December 2010

Where Is The Christmas Post?

.

The view from my window.
Post? I haven't had any post since last Thursday. I only have four Christmas cards. I had to dig my way out on Monday. Actually that's a lie; I didn't do any digging. That would be silly. A very nice man dug me out on Monday. If I'd been a little more foreward thinking I would have taken a pic of the snow falling into my hallway as I opened the front door. It's not like I couldn't see the snow as the front door is made of glass.
And I still don't know what I'm doing for Christmas as all plans have been snowballed. I'm feeling a little out of salts... and grit... and cat litter... and chocolate [sob]. And I missed my big Christmas hair appointment. To be honest I don't feel very Christmassy; aside from the snow the only sign that it is Christmas are the forebodding trailers of death and destruction for Eastenders. On the upside I have a bag of Chips in the freezer. Sigh.
Personally, I think we should all be doing a lot less of this:


And I should pucker up, dust off my sax, shake off the blues and try to get...


HAPPY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

Happy 50th Anniversary Coronation Street!



I can't let this week pass without making mention of Corrie's 50th Anniversary. It's on every night this week with a special live episode on Thursday. I have been gripped. More gripped than usual... although I've still got the urge to give Gail a slap for still looking like a gerbil that's chewing on a soggy cotton wool ball even though a tram has plunged into the street. Will anyone survive? But most importantly, what is to become of Mary's asymmetrical hemlines and Norris's neatly knitted mustard tank top...?

For those of you who don't understand the above paragraph please feel free to discuss the following: Snow; dressing up games; stippling; 'fashion' as the cultural construction of the embodied identity, or beekeeping... or Wikki-Leeks, as I am plumbing new depths in Wales.

Thank you, and I apologise in advance for being absent and, let's face it, a bit of a crap blogger lately.

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

The Secret Policeman's Pencil

"Fearing that they would fall foul of health and safety guidelines, honorary police removed the ends of their pencils. There was no cost involved as an honorary officer removed the ends on his lathe.
The president of the honorary police association said they did not want to take any risks with children running around"


Taken from BBC Teletext South West 15/11/2010

There is no mention of what happened to their truncheons.



Other News: Apparently we must break open a bottle of Asti in celebration of the impending Royal nuptials... I hope Kate and William won't mind getting wed on the beach in Southend. I'll pay, it'll be cheaper that way.

Sunday, 7 November 2010

Secret Ingredients

Back in my heyday I was be-stacked with Memes and Awards; once upon a time I was popular and not a week would go by without someone bestowing a prestigious accolade upon me. However, now that I'm an old has been, and all my glitter has dropped off, a Meme is something of a rarity. But I have one!!! The lovely, exquisite, warm, kind and generous EmmaK has thrown one in my direction. She is obviously mixing in the right circles [makes note to plunder Emma's blogrol] and is rubbing shoulders with those with the bling.
Anyhow, she has asked me to publish my secret recipe for the perfect man... to be honest this had me a bit stumped... but I've now narrowed it down to these ten essential ingredients:-

1. Must be able to coax the squirrels out of trees with a handful of nuts.

2. Must be able to reverse with a trailer [I have a lot of cosmetics].

3. Must have a good and proper understanding of the theory of torsional vibration and know how to clean apparatus after heavy usage.

4. Must be hideously competitive. There is nothing funnier than beating a hideously competitive man at Tiddly Winks, or KerPlunk.

5. Must be able to skim a pebble across a tranquil lake by moonlight without knocking out a beaver [a little light romance is sometimes appropriate].

6. Must be willing to clean up cat vomit without being asked.

7. Must be willing to watch old back and white movies without complaining about the lack of car chases/explosions/explicit sex scenes, or falling asleep.

8. Must have an inexhaustible supply of batteries, stamps, tippex, staples and general stuff that I'm always running out of.

9. Must be able to carry a large load of luggage with a smile and song apon his lips.

10. Must be good at making lists.

11. ...must know not to comment on my weird excesses...

12. Must be able to read instructions.

I would now like to pass this meme on to the following people:-

Kev
Kerrie
Roses
Savvy
Mr Maps
Mr Mags
Mr Beastie
Mr Swings

...and anyone else who fancies having a go is most welcome to.

Oh, and please adapt your recipe according to your sexual preferences.

Monday, 1 November 2010

Best Before

I am sitting here having my morning cup of tea with a Nature Valley granola bar. I like to dunk it. The discarded wrapper from the bar is laying by the side of the mug; the small print has caught my eye as it reads:-
Best Before: See Under Flap.
Time to get my first tattoo...

Meanwhile, I have drafts. In my postbox. They are all unfinished. I will get to work and finish them soon.

Sunday, 17 October 2010

Hands That Do Dishes



Each year, thousands of women from near and far, flock to a giant Cath Kidston kitchen warehouse [probably somewhere near Islington] to watch the passing on of the ceremonial Fairy Liquid bottle.
Over the years, generations of women have donned the seventies poodle perm, trussed themselves in starched white pinafores, and have washed up sinks full of cheap crockery in the hope that they would follow in the footsteps of the great Fairy fondlers of the past. There is no greater honour, for a woman, than to have the Fairy Liquid bottle bestowed upon her. If nothing else, it means that she will get to wear a nice frock on the telly and her daughter will be given a soft toy or a pretty doll.
To qualify as a Fairy Queen the contestant must be female. She must also have a pretty blond or brunette daughter [disguised gingers will be disqualified]; wear a piny, even on horseback; know the difference between Denby Arabesque and vintage Franciscan earthenware; be accustomed to wearing rubber on a daily basis without coming out in a rash; know the fundamentals of having a well stacked rack, and most importantly, be able to whistle the National anthem whilst flashing a minky.
Controversially, the hopeful finalists for 2010 were all members of the Womford-on-Terrace Washing Up Display Team. Their leader, Gloden Vantitty – an Icelandic beauty from Bournemouth - had won the iconic liquid bottle four times in the previous five years and had claimed that her success was down to an ancient scrubbing technique and absolutely nothing to do with intimate involvement with the seventeen gentlemen on the judging committee. Therefore, it came as no surprise when Nanette Newman [star of stage, screen, and many Fairy Liquid ads] announced that Miss Vantitty had yet again succeeded in winning the Fairy Queen crown and bottle sceptre.
All would have continued well for Gloden if it hadn’t been for Fanny Vantitty, a jealous relative, who salaciously revealed to a national newspaper that Gloden hardly ever bought Fairy. Photographic evidence revealed she’d been using a dishwasher for the last ten years and had a live-in maid called Tansy.
Gloden was relieved of her Fairy liquid bottle, it was clear to all that she was all washed up and no longer the star of this kitchen sink drama.

Monday, 11 October 2010

COMING SOON!!!!!

*******NEW IMPROVED SCARLET BLUE - COMING SOON!!!!!!******* Unless of course you want to stick with the boring bush beating old one... up to you... I'm not fussed... honest....

Friday, 17 September 2010

Something Pretty To Look At Whilst I'm Doing Something Else...

My last post was a little miserable, and as I'm not updating on a regular basis, I thought that the least I could do was to leave my blog looking pretty and cheerful.
So here is a pic of my Auntie Kiki; it was taken by her handyman, whose name was Ray.



Auntie Kiki was lucky with her choice of photographer. Sadly MJ and I cannot say the same, and we've had to make do with Mr Beastie's handiwork.
Anyhow... I must get back to the fevered scribbling....

Tuesday, 31 August 2010

A Problem Shared Is Public Property

Evidently I have hit the 10,000 mark on my meter, which means it is time for a post, but I find myself sadly lacking in the post department - all my energies have been directed elsewhere - I am drained. All I am fit for is the bath chair on the patio.
I am also a little drained because I have been mulling over a serious problem. It gave me a headache for three days and then I decided that I was bored with having a headache and so I shrugged it off and, for the time being, have stopped thinking about it. All the thinking in the world isn't going to change anything - apart from adding to the depth of my frown lines, and I've always been of the mind that a problem shared is a problem doubled; possibly quadrupled; tabloid potential; blackmail fodder; a future soap storyline. So I stick my head in the sand and hope that I am wrong about 'the problem', which is a bit daft, cos I am seldom wrong.
Sigh. What would Deirdre Barlow do? Obviously the first thing she would do is wrestle the cellophane wrapping from a packet of Silk Cut and nip out into the backyard to have a fag. So that's what I will do. And then I will change my role model...


***Update***

I think that in future that I should save my imagination for fiction. All is now resolved and I am about to tuck into lashings of humble pie... but at least my headache has gone.
Right... 10,000 words to write before the next post....
Sx

Monday, 9 August 2010

Joined Up Words

I have started doing this:-



I'm sure you've all seen these meters littered around the blogosphere and you all know what they mean. Yes, I am trying to assemble 80,000 words together to make a coherent whole.
The central character is Carol, an out of work dentist from Harrow who’s dumped herself on Wayne, a billionaire playboy from Wigan. A scuffle down Fanny's Lane ensues closely followed by a mysterious incident on Blotched Bottom Common involving the Littlehampton Confectionery Display Team. It reaches its climax with a death defying escapade on top of a haystack in a field just off the A30 [sorry Dave, but I do kiss and tell].
As you can tell, this is to be a well researched historical/romantic novel.

Progress is slow and I really need all my powers of concentration, and a huge dollop of discipline, to get it done.

I will write my next blog post when I hit 10,000, or when I get fed up with trying. I will also still be keeping an eye on you all.

Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast!

Tuesday, 3 August 2010

What to wear on a Blog Meet

We had arranged to meet by the third haystack on the right in a field just off the A30 at five minutes past midnight. What could be simpler? So that we would recognise each other Dave was to wear his purple smoking jacket, a pink carnation and his dog collar [I like a man in a uniform]. I suggested that he also wore trousers or shorts. I was to be attired in a suitable outfit - my favourite ditsy print red rubber play suit teamed with Bordello red patent stilettos and black stockings. You could say that I was fully girded for his much lauded sermon on the mount. We had both been looking forward to our blog meet for weeks; intense comment flirtation within our boxes had heightened and aroused our expectations - we were like two lively Labradors ready to be unleashed - both fevered with excitement at the prospect of our imminent union. But the best laid plans often go awry; how was I to know that on the same night that Dave and I had arranged to meet that a vicars and tarts party would be in full swing by the third haystack on the right in a field just off the A30....
I wonder if Dave has any pictures?

Thursday, 15 July 2010

The New Post

I have been very impressed by Lulu and Eryl's maps, so I thought I'd scribble a map of this post. As you can tell I am not very good at map reading and I often get lost.



Mr Mags wanted a pic of my boobs, so I have drawn him an enhanced representation - I hope this will suffice.

I had some disturbing news yesterday when I discovered that my writing style was the same as James Joyce... and... er... Dave. Click HERE if you want to know who you write like - it's great fun.

SERIOUS BIT: MJ's and Leni's comments are still vanishing, it's been over a month now and the blogger team aren't exactly falling over themselves to resolve the problem. I really think Blogger should employ more people to look after us all... anyhow, Mr Swings is organising another assault on the Blogger Help Forum to get them to speed up a bit. Please visit Mr Swings if you're in the mood for a bundle.

I can't be bothered with the armpit advert at the moment - something about women feeling really horny after they've shaved their armpits. I am dubious about this.

Friday, 9 July 2010

Groovy Boobs and Posts

Since being on a blogging break I have blogged more than usual. Which is a bit odd. Anyhow, I thought I ought to put a new post up because my previous post wasn't really a proper post... only I haven't really got anything to post about... but I shall try to post something anyway. Maybe I will write a post about posts [see, nothing to say at all]?
Enough of this silliness. Over the last few days I have been concerned about my bra size; I'm not really sure what size I should be wearing. According to measuring guides, I should be wearing a 34D. This can't be right as I have no spillage from my 32B, it's not too tight and it doesn't ride up at the back. I wondered if their were any ladies out there who could advise, or any gentlemen willing to assist...?

Tuesday, 6 July 2010

EMERGENCY!!!!

Emergency - First it was MJ and Leni - But now we're all vanishing.

DAVE and MR PIRATE are both having their comments eaten.

Blogger forum question HERE.

Tick the email follow up comments box or you won't know that you've received a comment. There are three so far on this post but they have all vanished.

For everybody who is having a problem today - make sure that you get on Gatsby's spreadsheet HERE.

Thank you Savannah, for the link.

Dark UFO person is also collecting data on this problem HERE.

Christ, this is getting complicated...

I seem to be back... but nobody else is yet, so my comment box looks a bit weird.
Try re posting your current posts... that's what I did with this one.

As of 2.00pm we seem to be able to see our own avatars but no other avatars. Weird. Scrub that; we are all vanishing again.

****UPDATE**** I think it is more or less mended.... maybe MJ's old comments are back as well. Live in hope.... die in a heap of despair.... [time 17:25]
I'm going to log off in a bit; Mum is calling me in for my tea.

Tuesday, 29 June 2010

...and on that note....

My poor old laptop can't cope with the snazzy newfangled Blogger templates. I find myself jerking off all over your posts, and this just isn't seemly, or appropriate. I can enter you via Google reader but it's still hit or miss as to whether I make it into your comments box. It is most frustrating. And my line speed is on go slow.
So I am having a longer break than I thought I would. I thought it would be nice to leave my blog with a classic Scarlet post, until I get a new laptop, or some kind soul sends me an iPad and on that note....



It takes years of learning, a steady pair of hands, and an unflinching demeanour to gain the ancient skills and techniques required for good bush-craft. Here we see Annie Wilkinson with a portfolio of her latest topiary designs and a few of her happy clients. Annie has a natural flair for ornamental balls and geometric squares. She has learnt her trade the hard way and she has reached the top of the tree in her field without the need for an Ikea stepladder. It was an arduous ascent. There were bumps and gashes along the way, nics and serious injury. Her pathway has been hard to clear. First she was tripped up by Sally’s stubble, then she got lost in Lindy’s thicket; she was almost broken by Brenda’s bracken and just very confused by Allie’s travelling wicker. Finally, she slipped and lost her clippers whilst shearing mossy flanks. Indeed, there have been rough patches, and times when she nearly gave up. Thankfully, Annie’s supportive friends rallied round and offered up their scrubby beds so that she could beaver at her craft. She tackled Tina’s teasels; she dealt with Holly’s pricks; she weeded Fanny’s borders and shaped up Moira’s twigs….. [good grief]
Anyhow, Annie has grown restless, there is only so much she can do with sequins, spangles and decorative fringing; she is tired of all this frippery and has decided to turn her attentions to boyfriend Duncan’s natural forest. It is huge and on a mammoth scale. The sap is rising, her fingers are loose, she’s learning the pleasures of whittling with spruce….

Wednesday, 23 June 2010

Go On England!!!

Thought I ought to show willing, even though I am on a blogging break.... and I don't really like football...



Is it going to be tears before teatime? Is this a silly question?

Saturday, 19 June 2010

Va Va Voom... And Other Words Beginning With V

Vuvuzela - now here's a word I will practice before saying in public. It is a word to be rolled around the tongue and swiftly blown. And not to be said with your mouth full.
As a child I was prone to verbal mishaps, mostly my mistakes were gently corrected, laughed at or ignored. Denim became deminimum and aluminium became aluminiminimummmn. I tried never to mention Birmingham and would often find myself steering the conversation towards Manchester. Like many children I had a problem with the Grand Prix, and of course with that well known car manufacturing firm...
It was a special occasion, friends and relatives were coming for Sunday tea; Mum had opened a fresh can of spam and had baked a Victoria sponge. She'd also done a salad and some other boring stuff featuring pineapple chunks and half a grapefruit. As we sat around the dining table my Aunt began to tell us about her brand new car, marvelling over its luxurious leather interior and its faux wooden dashboard. I could see it through the window parked on our driveway - new, red and very shiny. I was most impressed. Loudly and enthusiastically I asked, 'Dad, when are you going to get a big vulva like Auntie Pam's?'
Such a shame that my Uncle had just popped a pickled onion into his mouth, but at least his choking provided a welcome distraction....



***UPDATE*** I will be absent for the rest of the week. I have work to do and if I don't start it now then I never will. I will be about... but not as frequent.

***FURTHER UPDATE*** Although I seem to be appearing HERE. All help gratefully received.
Sx

Monday, 14 June 2010

Checking In

MJ IS BACK!!!!!


I don't know why favourite blog Informaniac has been deleted. Maybe it's because Blogger has been adding new bits and bobs to our dashboards... but maybe it is censorship? Anyhow, I have more or less used all the credit on my phone trying to keep up with it all. I am upset. I will be checking out Wordpress when I get home - I might be going upmarket! I'm not staying on blogger if they're going to delete blogs willy nilly... or even blogs with willys... end of.

****UPDATE**** MJ's comments are still vanishing from blogs so if you want to keep her words then click the email comments box. Hopefully this problem will sort itself out. I am having a bit of a mare with my new Wordpress blog and as Leni points out, they may well be more prudish there.
Meanwhile, I had an extremely exhausting weekend, I will be remaining in my bath chair out on the patio until I feel better. I feel better than I did yesterday so there is hope.

Friday, 11 June 2010

News Flash!



I'll be back Tuesday! - No this doesn't mean I'll be displaying a picture of my back on Tuesday.... or does it?
Sx

Have a great weekend!

Wednesday, 9 June 2010

A Little Behind

Good grief.
The things I do to keep people happy... it's a good job I do a bit of yoga or I'd never have been able to get this shot.

Click to make big
Now that I have illustrated the behind [little or otherwise] can we now have a sensible discussion about the 1940's British economy? Or shall we talk about Wales... or Whales even... or continue the fascination with the Victorian lard sculpting tool, or am I just tempting some very rude comments?

Some rather more explicit images of the behind can be found here and are only suitable for the more discerning viewer.

Tuesday, 8 June 2010

A Warning To Travellers

Mr Beastie writes: New post !!!! Hurry up. Well, I'm a little behind so to keep the peace I will have a rummage through Youtube and see what I can throw on the screen... hang on... I won't be a minute... make yourself busy and play with the Victorian lard sculpting tool whilst I choose something suitable....

Er... well Mr Beastie, you did ask me to hurry up, so I bring you this stern warning from the 1940's....



All explanations gratefully received. Thank you.

Wednesday, 2 June 2010

I'm Two!!!

Today is a very special day on the Scarlet Blue calendar; I am two!!! *does special toddler dance*, meaning I have now been blogging for two years. Who'd have thought?! Two years of adverts and bush craft!
Anyhow, as luck would have it, I have also received an award from Technobabe, which is a perfect way to celebrate being on the blog AND, serendipitously, it is The Blue Award....


To accept this award I have to answer the following questions posed by Technobabe and then I have to make up ten of my own and pass the award on to six questionable bloggers.
Okay then...

1. What is one thing you do not want to write about in your blog?
I try to avoid writing about motorways and traffic news. This is sometimes difficut for me because I have a fetish for motorway service stations, particularly the Soltice service station off the A303 near Amesbury.
The year 2000 is also blacklisted.
2. If you were able to travel anyplace for a month, where would you want to go?
See above.
3. What is your favourite book reading genre?
Comedy/Drama; my favourite authors are David Lodge, Jonathan Coe and Mavis Cheek. I like books that make me think whilst I'm laughing.
4. How old do you have to be to consider yourself really old?
102.
5. What part of blogging do you enjoy most?
The party in the comments box.
6. If you were looking for a roommate, what is your ideal roomie?
A wide screen HD ready television.
7. What does the word spiritual mean to you?
Cheesecloth blouses, patchwork floaty skirts and crocheted shawls.... Oh, and experiments with tie-dye and potato printing.
8. How many siblings do you have?
One.
9. Have you ever been in a car accident?
Thankfully never a serious one. But I have been stood on by a donkey.
10. Do you have a pet?
Mr Beastie

And I'd like to pose these ten questions:-

1.  Do you prefer asking questions or answering them?
2.  What is your favourite joke? [Or favourite one liner?]
3.  Have you ever fantasized about being on Big Brother [the well known TV show... I'm not alluding to incest]?
4.  Have you ever wanted to enter a talent show?
5.  Is Simon Cowell really necessary?
6.  Tea or coffee?
7.  What is your favourite perfume? Or smell?
8.  What is the quickest route to Wales from where you live?
9.  What does the word 'Wales' conjure to your mind?
10. Are you dreading dreaming up ten questions to ask six bloggers?

To the following six bloggers:-

1. Mrs French
2. Mr Swings
3. Dave
4. Leah
5. Nick
6. Mr Mags

Many thanks to everybody who has partied in my comments box over the last two years! Shall we have cake now....?
  

Monday, 24 May 2010

Sad News

I am shocked and saddened to hear of the death of Mutley, author of Mutleythedogsdayout. Mr Mutts was amongst my first handful of commenters... I think he used to turn up in a variety of guises, which is the sort of thing that tickles me. He understood the spirit of the blogosphere and played creatively; he was a quirky chap and although I wasn't as close to him as some, I will miss him
My condolences to his partner, Kate.

Monday, 17 May 2010

Flakey Women

.


In the UK young women are often found in fields where they are encouraged to follow their artistic pursuits. They are fed on chocolate.



Unfortunately the diet of chocolate and living alone in a field plays havoc not only with their teeth but also with their mental health. Many are found wandering naked amongst the wheat baring their gums to the sun and many haven't even bothered to slap on the sun cream.
If you are visiting a field in the UK anytime soon then please please take with you some spare clothes, a picnic basket of nutritious food and perhaps a colouring book with an assortment of wax crayons. Remember, these women need our help. Thank you.

Wednesday, 28 April 2010

A Quick Quiz....

.

I will be absent from my blogging post for 2 weeks from Sunday. Is this because:-

a) I am jetting away on an exotic holiday.
b) I am standing trial for my crimes against advertisers.
c) I am standing trial for my unruly bush.
d) I have become embroiled in a relationship with a handsome Welshman.
e) I am improving my arsenic bleaching skills for my role as Official Infomaniac Beautician.

During my absence I will be wearing:-

a) Nothing.
b) A smart Vivienne Westward suit. With purple velvet sling-backs and a feather boa.
c) A wry smile and a short denim skirt from Primark.
d) A wax jacket and wellies.
e) A white straitjacket.

I am hoping to attain:-

a) An all over suntan.
b) Freedom.
c) Understanding and a freebie bic razor.
d) Toned hips and thighs.
e) An internationally recognised qualification.

To do this I will be:-

a) Slathered in coconut oil and wrapped in tin foil and baked at 230 degrees.
b) Lying a lot.
c) Pleading for mercy.
d) Walking for miles and throwing a ball for my new man.
e) Fiddling with test tubes and learning how to have a steady hand with a spatula.

Whilst I'm away you will:-

a) Miss me.
b) Send me money to pay for my counsel.
c) Laugh at my predicament.
d) Wait for photographic evidence.
e) Book an appointment with me so that I can practice my new and groundbreaking skills.

For answers please look in the comment box. I thank you for your participation.

Monday, 26 April 2010

Advert Music Tuesday

I am feeling lazy this morning. So I am posting tomorrow's post today. This piece of music is also lazy and is being used in the new Dulux paint advert. I think that's all I have to say about it... other than it suits my mood because it has a lovely lazy lilt... oh, and I can also play it on my saxophone.



Other news: My BMI is down to 20.37 [height to weight ratio... or sommink - means I've lost a few pounds], my bum and thighs are beginning to look toned... but I still have a stubborn bit of muffin. I will persevere.

Tuesday, 20 April 2010

Election Special!!!!

For those of you who are still dithering over who to vote for, here is a simple guide:-

For those of you wishing to keep the Tories out - vote Liberal.
For those of you wishing to keep Labour out - vote Liberal.
For those of you wishing to keep the Liberals out - vote Liberal.
For those of you wanting a Labour government - vote Tory.
For those of you wanting a Tory government - vote Labour.
For those of you wanting a Liberal government - vote Green.
For those of you still confused - vote for Icelandic Volcanic Ash Party [They are environmentally friendly and have already grounded many planes.]

I hope this alleviates all confusion. The rule is to never ever ever vote for what you believe in. This is social death. Be cunning and always keep'em guessing.

Friday, 16 April 2010

Dear Scarlet....

.

Hi Scarletblue


I've just Googled my way to your web-site and a blog you wrote last August titled That's Life, So Wot?
I was particularly interested in your reply to a comment made by Wendy when you said -


Wendy: I feel more like a teapot at the moment! I love hot water bottles. It's because they smell of hot rubber. Odd.


I love hot water bottles too and always had a craving for the smell of the hot rubber. I've always thought it was odd too and never been able to understand why it is. Until recently I'd never heard anyone else say they like the smell of hot water bottles, but a Google search shows that many people feel the same way.
I like the smell of the hot rubber because I associate it with comfort and warmth. Why do you like the smell?

I love my hot water bottles so much I get rather attached to them and don't like throwing them away even when they get old. What do you do with your old ones?

When this missive first fell into my inbox I was a little dubious, suspecting that the writer was trying to coerce me into a hot rubber discussion of a seedy nature. I was worried about where it might lead. But after consideration, I think it's quite sweet - simply one hot rubber lover connecting with another. I do indeed like the smell of hot water bottles.... but in answer to the query: as with any other kind of perishable rubber product, I throw the old ones out because they tend to leak and make the sheets wet. I hope this helps.

Tuesday, 13 April 2010

Smoke Gets In Your Eyes



Do you want to give up smoking? Do you like old classic movies? Then it couldn't be easier; simply dress up as your favourite film star and suck on a tampon.

Friday, 9 April 2010

A Battle of Will

As you might have noticed, I am having a sulk. Why? Well last week I was rather more stupid than usual and I bought some precision bathroom scales. I have been in a foul mood ever since. I am not suggesting that I am overweight [I am NOT... in the same way that I am NOT ginger!!!!!!!]... just perhaps slightly heavier than I thought I was. Losing a couple of pounds would make my jeans less snug. Anyhow, I have cut down on my food intake and have turned my nose up at all the muffins and crumpets that have been on offer. A friend has now informed me that cutting too many calories can make the body think that it is starving and therefore the metabolism will slow down. I think the body should leave the thinking to the brain. And if the body is so fiendishly clever, how come the metabolism doesn't rapidly speed up when all extra muffin calories are consumed to compensate? That's what I'd like to know...



I will try to stop sulking by Monday, when hopefully I will be back to my usual lithesome, slinky self.

Monday, 29 March 2010

ISA ISA Baby



It happens to us all. We have all made fools of ourselves for love. Carol has fancied Derek for 2years, 5 months, 14 days, 17 hours and 305 minutes. And everybody knows it. They work shoulder to shoulder at Halifax radio in the basement of an NCP car park in Buttocks Booth just off Lumbertubs Lane. As Derek waxes lyrical about his sublime hedge fun and the operational efficiency of his assets, Carol finds complementary songs from iTunes on her laptop. Derek talks about pension plans and Carol plays When I’m 94. Derek talks about his back-end load. Carol plays Dark Side of the Moon. Derek talks about ISAs. Carol, now fully inspired, plays Ice Ice Baby and looks tenderly at Derek. At work they are a team, partners between the balance sheets, keeping customers entertained with witty banter and double entry bookkeeping.
But alas, Carol’s emotional capital is not reciprocated. Derek is saving himself for Scottish widow Sandy, who works in the canteen buttering baps and making tea. She is elegant, likes long walks in the countryside, knows a fair bit about air-sea rescue, can play French tangos on the accordian and wears a jolly nice black velvet hooded cape. She is a far better prospect all round. Derek is hoping that Sandy will be agreeable to his large deposit and generous investment as she promises good bonus and isn’t adverse to sudden withdrawal. In Carol, sadly, he is interest free.

Sunday, 21 March 2010

Mr Coppens and his Serious Angst

I am worried. I am worried about Mr Coppens. He seems to be suffering from an excruciating bout of 'social networking fatigue'. What should we do? How can we help him? His dilemma is making me angsty. Perhaps he needs to get himself a pet? Research suggests that heavy petting controls blood pressure much better than drugs. I imagine that a beaver might be a popular choice for Mr Coppens because he lives in Canada. Perhaps he will recover if he indulges in some beaver relief. Big beavers; small beavers; nibbling beavers.... even Mrs Pouncer's glorious sheared beaver may help him. I really don't know. I am lucky as I have a curly coated golden retriever to groom.
Anyhow, this is for Mr Coppens:-



Other news: I have been reading a book!!! [How retro am I??!!] It has a spine and pages made of paper and printed words. And it is non-fiction. I am learning about the history of England. For the time being I blame Henry VIII for EVERYTHING. Even social networking fatigue.

Monday, 15 March 2010

Important Information

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Miss Scarlet Blue will be away until Friday due to high maintenance issues. She will also be engaged in making important decisions of a colourful nature.
THIS POST IS FOR INFORMATION ONLY AND REQUIRES NO ACTION ON YOUR PART. If you are in any doubt about the contents of this post please consult a blogger on the nearby blogrol. Or have a nice cup of tea and a biscuit.

Tuesday, 9 March 2010

Happy Birthday to Me!!!

Today I will be indulging myself, starting with playing a good tune:-


Great hair, fab shoes.... I really want a pair of shoes like these... and somewhere to wear them.
I'd also like a Roberts radio; a tub of daffodils; a modelling contract; a yacht; something to cover in Fablon sticky back plastic; an exciting cutlery set and some saucer champagne glasses.
I'm not really fussed about the modelling contract or the yacht, to be honest.

Monday, 1 March 2010

Coming Around Again

Sad news. The eighties revival is over; fashionistas everywhere will be looking for the next big thing. They will look for something to revive from the nineties, but after a brief dalliance with a grungy mohair jumper and a linen trouser suit, they will throw their hands up in despair. By 2018 the sixties will have been revisited fourteen times. In 2014, trendsetters will be wearing eighties sixties retro with a forties perspective... but for now we're at the tail end of the eighties... with a fifties twist...



...How about early seventies with thirties styling...?

Thursday, 25 February 2010

Does it make sense to jump out of a warm bed into a cold cereal?

Is life getting you down? Is today turning out to be a complete washout? Don't be grim... try reading Scarlet Blue's blogspot - It's so big, you've gotta grin to get it in. Scarlet can deliver powerful relief in just two minutes and we all like a little hanky panky now and again, don't we?
Scarlet Blue's Blogspot - because life's complicated enough.
You know it makes sense.



Pity about Woolworths though...

Saturday, 20 February 2010

My Name is Scarlet and I'm a Lazy Blogger

I am still here. I haven't been kidnapped by aliens, Facebook, or even a nice policeman. I am still a blogger. But I have been busy. Remember the post about the live/work unit? Well I am putting the work unit to use. I am painting. I am painting pictures. They're not brilliant, so I won't post any of my masterpieces here and fish for compliments, but I will fish for compliments when I'm feeling more confident.

Other news: I have noticed that there has been word of dwindling blogosphere activity; Mr Jimmy wrote an excellent post about blogging and Geoff has also chimed in, I can only echo their thoughts as they write it all better than wot I can. Although I will add that the other day I was a little disconcerted to find that I had followers in my Google email account.... odd. It's all getting a little out of hand and to be honest I can only cope with one social networking site. Yes, I do have a Facebook account, but I don't do much there other than spend too much time doing Facebook quizzes... I like quizzes... pretty crap at them... and I'm also pretty crap at multitasking... I can't keep up with it all. Anyhow, Blogger is my preferred networking site, it's where I grew up.

AND apart from being busy I've also bought a new flat/wide screen singing/dancing telly... [it's not all work then] sorry... but I do have to watch adverts and stuff or I'd have nothing to write about and I've never really got over the novelty of colour telly... I can even remember the first thing I watched in colour - it was Robin Hood and they all had green eyebrows... anyhow, is that the time....

*slinks off to watch 'Let's Dance for Sport Relief' on a very big screen...*

Tuesday, 2 February 2010

Here Comes That Advert Again



There is no easy way of saying this... but I am sick to my back teeth of hearing Here Come The Girls, the tune that has accompanied every Boots advert for the last two or three years. Listen up Boots: I'm sick of it! Enough with your coming! Change your tune and your marketing strategy. Have you not noticed that half the population are men and that your stores do sell shaving equipment and other daily essentials that men may well be interested in... such us photo frames; loose leaf files; batteries; deodorant and bifocals...[what do I know?]... it's about time that the girls had a rest; let them go on holiday; let them wear comfy shoes; let them have a cosmetic free day; let them have frizzy hair; let them sit back in a comfy chair; let them formulate a manifesto for world peace, and let the boys come for a change.

*Apologies to non-UK people who might not know what I'm banging on about.

Wednesday, 27 January 2010

Still Desperate

I have been memed by Emmak to share three classic movie moments that have, in some shape or form, made me buy things/do things/think things that perhaps I shouldn't have.
First up is 'Grease' and Olivia Newton John wearing shiny black lurex leggings teamed with a pair of wooden look mules [£2.50 from Barratts in 1978]. Thankfully my mum saved me from this look - I was far too young... but when I got my own money in 1983 there was really no stopping me. I think a boob tube also featured. Sob. Thankfully all the pics have been destroyed.



As I got older I realised the error of my ways and it was Madonna as Susan in Desperately Seeking Susan who defined my look for the eighties... I was [and still am] also pretty smitten with her lacy mittens [easier for smoking than gloves] and handy storage solutions. I'm still on the look out for a drum case to store my clothes and undies in, and, because of this film, I have an expansive collection of retro travelling trunks and boxes.



The film Pretty in Pink had a huge impact on my life. I applied for a job in Our Price; cut up all my clothes then tried to reassemble the pieces into a fetching evening gown, and I also tried to get off with a bloke who had been to grammar school. Tut. Life just isn't like the movies... I'm not even ginger... and I've since found out that pink really doesn't suit me... And I never got to be an American Prom Queen.... with pom poms.... sob...



I now would like to tag Mr Swings; Kerrie; Kev; Pat; Mr XL; Mitzi and Princess and anyone else who knows me....

...good grief, my spelling... I knew there was something wrong but I couldn't see for looking...

Monday, 25 January 2010

Bucking the Trend

What's all this then? I suppose I am the last one to find out about this? Apparently I am only worth B$288.88. Back in May 2009 I peaked at B$725.96. Why have I been so devalued? What did I do wrong? Did I not flash my knickers in the right direction? Did I not mention my bush enough? I have tried to claim my blog on Blogshares ....but they are having none of it and they seem to be having fun at my expense. I am being used as a mere commodity... a lump of meat... I feel quite hurt. But we all seem to be on there. Mr Beastie is worth B$5,412.11!!! Why am I so cheap???? How do I make my stock go up?
Perhaps I ought to ignore it. Probably only two people playing this daft fantasy game anyhow... mutter, mutter. And one of them is probably Mr Beastie...
I think I need a cheerful Youtube clip to see me through this turmoil.

Thursday, 14 January 2010

A Blank Moment

I have decided to dedicate today's post to the well loved game show Blankety-Blank in honour of Terry Wogan, Les Dawson and Lily Savage. Plus it might make this post more interesting.
Here goes then...
Yesterday I spent my day at ---------- where I had a -------- with Mr Beastie under the stinky ------. All I can say is -------------!!!!***!!! I think he cheated. But I am very grateful to Italy and all who sail in her. I am still ------- the stains off my velveteen slingbacks and I have lost my ----------. Sob. Damn it, I will --------, after all ----------- is another day and there is more than one way to peel a --------. Don't we all know it!
Later in the afternoon I visited Dave, who quite frankly, was soliciting for favours with vulgar -------. I have decided that this year I will be above all that ---------- and he can play with his --------- by himself. And mop up the inevitable mess.
I also noticed that Kaz is having a problem with her ------- [I hope she remembers] and that Kerrie is battling with ferrets that are lost in her ------. I am still working on the ----- for Emmak.
If you have enjoyed this short and ------ post, then next week I will be playing -------- come ----- and ---------- with me.

I thank you. Oh and I might be giving out --------.

Friday, 8 January 2010

A Sign of Good Taste



Here we see Darren. He is hoping to be accepted as an ambassador for the Littlehampton Confectionery Display Team. He is submitting one of the finest examples of his work in their annual ‘Exposure’ competition. It is a grand affair held in a disused leisure centre close to Southend pier and display enthusiasts come from far and wide to exhibit their exquisite confection. For example, competitor Annie has flown in from Amsterdam and has done something gratuitous with a fudge finger fan, whilst Gavin from Gateshead [the winner in 2006] has been imaginative with a Toffee Crisp and a specially adapted 12 inch Twirl. Maggie, a mother of three [the winner in 1908 but never since] has chosen a minimalist/conceptual approach - her piece is entitled ‘Red Smartie with Toothpick’.
So far the judges have been less than impressed, but Darren is confident that he can lick his rivals. Darren has a secret. Darren has golden balls and he knows how to show them. He waits in the wings as poor Simon, a professional kitchen fitter from Stevenage, sobs and stumbles from the judging panel when his Sherbert Fountain fails to font and his Lion Bar goes limp. Darren feels his tension rising, his moment has arrived, he takes a deep breath and walks into the spotlight. His golden balls are piled pyramid high upon a silver platter. A captivating display capturing the essence of ancient Egypt; classic, traditional and in the best possible taste. Darren stands proud. It has only taken a smidgeon of superglue to keep everything erect. Alas, Darren is unaware of the envious Maggie who will do anything to win, and from the wings she gives Darren an almighty shove sending his nutty nibbles into orbit to splatter down across the judges heads. Judge Erica dabs a stain on her frock with a tissue and exclaims, ‘with your display you are soiling us!’. Darren hangs his head in shame, but he is not downhearted. There is always next year when he is hoping to work with Annie. He is planning to weave his magic with a box of custard crèmes and a fudge fingered tart.

200th

Wednesday, 6 January 2010

It's All White...




Who said it doesn't snow in Devon....? and why is Blogger publishing my posts before I've finished writing them? I know I don't write very much, but give us a chance... Anyhow, I was simply going to write: "...and the UK grinds to a halt".... maybe Blogger knew best eh?

Friday, 1 January 2010

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!



A Happy New Year to everyone who has made this blog an enjoyable place to be.
Bottoms UP!!