Friday, 8 January 2010

A Sign of Good Taste



Here we see Darren. He is hoping to be accepted as an ambassador for the Littlehampton Confectionery Display Team. He is submitting one of the finest examples of his work in their annual ‘Exposure’ competition. It is a grand affair held in a disused leisure centre close to Southend pier and display enthusiasts come from far and wide to exhibit their exquisite confection. For example, competitor Annie has flown in from Amsterdam and has done something gratuitous with a fudge finger fan, whilst Gavin from Gateshead [the winner in 2006] has been imaginative with a Toffee Crisp and a specially adapted 12 inch Twirl. Maggie, a mother of three [the winner in 1908 but never since] has chosen a minimalist/conceptual approach - her piece is entitled ‘Red Smartie with Toothpick’.
So far the judges have been less than impressed, but Darren is confident that he can lick his rivals. Darren has a secret. Darren has golden balls and he knows how to show them. He waits in the wings as poor Simon, a professional kitchen fitter from Stevenage, sobs and stumbles from the judging panel when his Sherbert Fountain fails to font and his Lion Bar goes limp. Darren feels his tension rising, his moment has arrived, he takes a deep breath and walks into the spotlight. His golden balls are piled pyramid high upon a silver platter. A captivating display capturing the essence of ancient Egypt; classic, traditional and in the best possible taste. Darren stands proud. It has only taken a smidgeon of superglue to keep everything erect. Alas, Darren is unaware of the envious Maggie who will do anything to win, and from the wings she gives Darren an almighty shove sending his nutty nibbles into orbit to splatter down across the judges heads. Judge Erica dabs a stain on her frock with a tissue and exclaims, ‘with your display you are soiling us!’. Darren hangs his head in shame, but he is not downhearted. There is always next year when he is hoping to work with Annie. He is planning to weave his magic with a box of custard crèmes and a fudge fingered tart.

200th

49 comments:

Dave said...

You are a consumate artist yourself, young S-B.

Scarlet Blue said...

Dave: Why thank you young sir!
Sx

jekandhyd said...

Never did like the damn things, I'm more a Lindor man (had 2 boxes for my birthday). Yes, it's chocolate balls for me every time. By the way, thanks for the tip about using a smidgeon of superglue to keep things erect. I'll let you know how I get on

xl said...

Congrats for popping your cork for the 200th time!

The Unbearable Banishment said...

I would like to request more of these satirical pieces. You did one some time ago that had me in stitches. Well done, you!

200? Your 200th post? Or am I being thick? Again?

Lulu LaBonne said...

200 posts - go and find some golden balls
xx

Mark Emerson Sanderson said...

I'm still waiting to be invited to one of those type of parties.

mapstew said...

200 posts, from a pillar of society!

Congrats!

xxx

nick said...

Mmmm, Ferrero Rocher, pinnacle of the chocolate experience. I love to put a couple in my mouth and suck on them slowly and lovingly. Nothing like it.

I think Darren's on to a winner with the fudge fingered tart. I'd recommend plenty of sauce for a soft and juicy finish.

Princess said...

Dear Miss Scarlet,

I really needed a good giggle and laugh, thank you!

Your a clever writer and congrats on your 200th!

I feel like such a virgin!

Luv Princess XXX

Scarlet Blue said...

Mr Jekand: I'd be careful with my tips, Mr Jekand, they could get you into trouble.

Mr XL: Yep, sometimes I'm fizzing and sometimes I'm a little flat!

Mr Banishment: Yep! 200 posts... I can't believe it either.

Lulu: I'll have to do something with some Golden Grahams.

Mr Marks: Hang on! You've changed your name! You will always be Mr Marks to me.
I'm still waiting to be invited too.

Mr Maps: Boom boom!

Nick: Christ knows what Darren will do when he discovers Thornton's Viennese Truffles. Yum.

Ms Princess: You are welcome!
I feel like a virgin when I visit Infomaniac, but Mistress MJ prefers wrinkly old men.

Sx

Kevin Musgrove said...

I wouldn't accept chocolate from that chappy: he's got some horrible skin disease that's bleached his hands.

Congrats on the milestone.

Ponita in Real Life said...

Congratulations, Scarlet! Always a pleasure to drop by, especially when there's chocolate and bubbly.

I love those little golden balls! Quite addictive...

Rog said...

I think they should have used the old French Round:

Ferrero Rocher
Ferrero Rocher
Dormez Vouz?
Dormez Vouz?

You soil us Scarlet with your 200 Posts! Cheers!!!

KAZ said...

I was hoping to find a mention of someone's curly wurly.
Perhaps it's too common for the likes of Darren?

KAZ said...

P.S.
I think Rog needs a p.

MJ said...

Visiting Scarlet Blue is always a cornucopia of confectionery.

Congratulations, Miss Scarlet!

You pop our collective corks!

Kerrie said...

I myself am not much into Fairy Rockets but would really have liked to get my chops round the gratuitous fudge finger fan.
After all he has been through I would like to wish Darren the best of luck with his fingered tart next year. xxx
Two hunderd! and you don't look a day over twenty five.

Jimmy Bastard said...

I'll cut right to the chase doll... I'd cover you in choccie and lick you all over given the chance.

Of course the fact that I am catholic, married, devoid of any liking for anything sugary may well cause me to scupper the above plans.

I dinnae suppose you have a liking for marmite by the way?

Happy 200th, you don't look a day of 175.

Happy Frog and I said...

Fantastic post! I have missed your take on such things. Good to have you back.

moreidlethoughts said...

So...we can look forward to another 200 sweet things?
Congrats, SB.

eroswings said...

Darren should've gone with M&Ms. They melt in your mouth and not in your hands.

Congratulations on 200th!

(*-)....(*-)
_I_...._I_

Gadjo Dilo said...

It's hard to believe that that advert is serious! I'd like to see the whole scene re-done with Curly-Wurlies.

the projectivist said...

"capturing the essence of ancient Egypt"? bahhaha!
excellent.
they don't make tv adverts like that anymore.

Pat said...

I don't suppose you could have a word with Darren and ask him if he couldn't make his golden balls a little smaller. I often pop one in my mouth and then can't close it and have to bite the thing. I'd be so grateful;)

Scarlet Blue said...

Kev: I think he has a sugar allergy which is making his skin flaky. Everything is falling off.

Ponita: Thank you! Yes they are addictive - I can easily do a box during one episode of Corrie.

Rog: I will have to use the Dyson long nosed nozzle attachment to clean us all up. It's rather fun.

Kaz: I thought Rog always walked like that...?
Anyhow, the curly wurly was in the original draft but was replaced with a 12" Twirl - less chewy.

MJ: I am a proper little sugar shack and sugarcraft centre! I even have Wilton pearlised sprinkles [an ideal topping for Victoria sponge cakes].

Kerrie: The way the weather is I reckon he'd get lucky with an Arctic Roll.

Mr Jimmy: You are in luck! I like twiglets! Fancy a twiglet sandwich?

Happy Frog: Hello and Welcome! It's very nice to see you too. You look very jolly.

Dinah: I hope so! There is an advert that features cars and confectionery...

Mr Swings: M&Ms are like Revels but in colour....?
...and the melting is the good part!

Gadj: I think we should do it! I'd like to see it done with Cadbury's Creme Eggs [Yes it's nearly that time again!]

Ms Project: No they don't makes ads like this anymore. I watched a countdown of the best ads from the noughties... and they were... bland... I like the explosion of paint ad... I think it was advertising Dulux... but actually I'm not sure?!

Pat: Oh you are naughty! But I like you.

Sx

Scarlet Blue said...

...Oops... the paint explosion ad was advertising Sony...
Sx

Dave said...

Could you explain a Flake advert to me one day?

mago said...

Happy twohundert!

Macy said...

WHY does this make me want a walnut whip?
Nah, I'm not going to think too hard about that one either....

Madame DeFarge said...

I'd loved to have entered with my foam bananas, but they wouldn't have been up to the job. Maybe next year with my soor plooms.

wendy house said...

Exquisit!
The Egypt reference, the chocolate, the Piano playing and your powerful insight into competitive chocolate practices. Hooray. Thankyou

CyberPete said...

Oh my!

Happy new year darling.

BEAST said...

Congrats on the 200th . I thought Darrens golden balls should have won , and he was displaying in the epicentre of bad taste , Essex .
He was robbed! .

Scarlet Blue said...

Dave: It's all about the tongue, Dave.

Mr Mags: Thank you!

Madame D: I've seen a Chippendale do something interesting with a foam banana... it was a winner.

Macy: ...bizarrely, I walked through the snow for essential provisions and came away with a packet of Cadbury's Mini-Rolls.

Wendy: I should have featured a Terry's All Gold chocolate sphinx, shouldn't I?

Pete: Happy New Year!

Mr Beastie: It's gone all upmarket in Essex. Gold is the new white.

Sx

Dave said...

You missed the opportunity for some double entendre at my place today.

Dave said...

That is, yesterday now.

Scarlet Blue said...

Dave: Yes, I am awake now!
Sx

Dave said...

But you didn't visit yesterday. And I'd promised my readers that you would.

Scarlet Blue said...

I have just visited yesterday!
Sx

Dave said...

Thank you for coming.

Scarlet Blue said...

Dave: Don't I always?
Sx

Dave said...

You've never failed to give satisfaction, my dear.

Mark Emerson Sanderson said...

Scarlet, I go by many names, but feel fee to continue calling me Mr Marks.

JoeinVegas said...

Now you have me wondering what a fudge fingered tart would taste like. Hope she's fresh.

mutleythedog said...

You make my ginger snap... and have put sherbet in my lemon...

Mitzi said...

I wonder how much Darren is au fait with Judy Garland. I'm not keen on Ferrero Rocher they're too nobbly, I much prefer an after eight at elevenses.

wendy house said...

chocolate sphynx!

(needed revisiting)

Scarlet Blue said...

Apologies... I have been rather distracted...

Dave: I always do my best.

Mr Marks: Do you have a triple-barreled-surname?

Mr Vegas: Hello and Welcome! Rest assured, all tarts here are at the peak of their freshness.

Mr Mutts: Lemon Sherbet - my favourite.
[please be very careful when using the word 'ginger'. Thank you.]

Mitzi: I once had a heated discussion with my mum regarding After Eights. My argument was - and still is - that it's always after eight and therefore perfectly reasonable to eat them for breakfast.

Wendy: I should have done the whole of Egypt in chocolate. Imagine, white chocolate mummies...

Sx