Monday, 29 March 2010

ISA ISA Baby



It happens to us all. We have all made fools of ourselves for love. Carol has fancied Derek for 2years, 5 months, 14 days, 17 hours and 305 minutes. And everybody knows it. They work shoulder to shoulder at Halifax radio in the basement of an NCP car park in Buttocks Booth just off Lumbertubs Lane. As Derek waxes lyrical about his sublime hedge fun and the operational efficiency of his assets, Carol finds complementary songs from iTunes on her laptop. Derek talks about pension plans and Carol plays When I’m 94. Derek talks about his back-end load. Carol plays Dark Side of the Moon. Derek talks about ISAs. Carol, now fully inspired, plays Ice Ice Baby and looks tenderly at Derek. At work they are a team, partners between the balance sheets, keeping customers entertained with witty banter and double entry bookkeeping.
But alas, Carol’s emotional capital is not reciprocated. Derek is saving himself for Scottish widow Sandy, who works in the canteen buttering baps and making tea. She is elegant, likes long walks in the countryside, knows a fair bit about air-sea rescue, can play French tangos on the accordian and wears a jolly nice black velvet hooded cape. She is a far better prospect all round. Derek is hoping that Sandy will be agreeable to his large deposit and generous investment as she promises good bonus and isn’t adverse to sudden withdrawal. In Carol, sadly, he is interest free.

50 comments:

fairyhedgehog said...

You're on form!

nick said...

What a desperate attempt to get people enthused about shoving their assets in dodgy places where they might or might not get some satisfaction. I think I'll keep my assets to myself.

Ponita in Real Life said...

Glad to have you back, Scarlet!!! I love these advert stories. :-D

Dave said...

There's something odd about that Carol. Has she dislocated her neck, do you think?

I switch channels every time any Halifax ad comes on, they get on my nerves, rather.

Lulu LaBonne said...

Carol obviously has better drugs though

The Unbearable Banishment said...

Thanks for the story. Curse you for the earworm!

xl said...

I think Derek would not be above a little legerdemain.

Scarlet Blue said...

Fairyhedgehog: You should have seen the first draft. I think one word stayed the same: 'Carol'.

Nick: Carol will be playing Satisfacation [can't get no], when she finds out about Sandy...

Ponita: Thank you! I've been very lazy of late.

Dave: Carol is young and mobile, Dave. Young people can still move all of their bits. Unfair, I know.

Lulu: True!...she's gotta be taking something hasn't she?

Mr Banish: Just to add insult to injury....

Sx

Scarlet Blue said...

Mr XL: Derek is infamous for his nimble prestidigitation. He is a proper banker [somebody had to say it...]
Sx

TechnoBabe said...

Great humor here. Love it. Carol is going to keep trying though, isn't she?

Scarlet Blue said...

Techybabe: Carol is seen on our screens more than five times a night. She is trying. Too hard.
Sx

MJ said...

car park in Buttocks Booth just off Lumbertubs Lane

Isn’t that where Beast goes for his nightly dogging episodes?

Eryl Shields said...

It's not healthy to be stuck in a basement with the same person for all that time, someone needs to break Carol out of there before she plays 'I will Survive.'

Scarlet Blue said...

MJ: I think Mr Beastie's fruit bowl would add a certain frisson to the inhabitants of Buttocks booth.

Eryl: Yep, it's inevitable isn't it! Poor Carol.

Sx

Dave said...

'Young people can still move all of their bits'. Hmmm. Mine that need to move can still do so,a bit. Those that need to stay rigid...

Scarlet Blue said...

Dave: David! Remember where you are... oh. You did.
Sx

mago said...

I am very glad that you explain these thirty seconds to me, I could not make any sense out of it without your asistence.
You mean this young man is a prestidigiteur?
While he listens absolutely irony-free to Mercedes Benz in his head, Carol tries to make sense of this, her aunt gave to her ...

Dave said...

;-)

KAZ said...

Some fabulous quotes here Scarlet.
I just hope she doesn't butter the black velvet.

Jimmy Bastard said...

Ahhhh dear sweet Scarls, I often stop and ponder at exactly what colour the clouds are in your world.

Pat said...

I'm worried about Derek's back-end load but hopefully the healthy deposit will relieve the situation:)

eroswings said...

I'd think twice about investing in a company whose theme music is Ice Ice Baby. We all know what happened to Vanilla Ice-fun and flashy at first, then he crashed hard. Good tune though.

Perhaps Carol would've had better luck attracting Derek if she had played Baby Got Back!

dinahmow said...

I note that "you must be 16 or over to deposit..."
Carol and Derek look like virginal fourth formers.

BEAST said...

French Tango's and buttered baps you say ???
Sandy sounds like a goddess

nick said...

Don't be fooled by Carol's wide-eyed innocence. Sandy's lifeless, blood-spattered body will soon be found on the patio.

Princess said...

Nice to see you have the wheels back on your skates Miss Scarlet...
Wonderful interpretation of the background story. Thankyou.

Heff said...

"Better to have loved &...." Oh, nevermind...

Scarlet Blue said...

Mr Mags: Oh. I think I've been listening to Mercedes Benz in an irony free way as well.

Dave: You're a very naughty boy.

Kaz: Where have you gone? Where is Patsy?
...I'm hoping she wears an apron when she's buttering.

Mr Jimmy: ...I watch too many soaps. It's left an imprint on my mind.

Pat: I came across this phrase during my research [Yes, I research these posts!] and I can't for the life of me remember what it means now...

Mr Swings: Under Pressure was better?

Dinah: Indeed, they could be doing work experience whist waiting for their exam results.
I bet they wish they'd just got a paper round now.

Mr Beastie: Yes, but Carol has a versatile neck.

Nick: Have you seen the sequel already?

Missy Princess: Thank you, and I apologise if this ad means absolutely nothing in Australia and the US.

Heff: Indeed, better to have sobbed your heart out, sent embarrassing love-lorn 10 page letters, and stalked an innocent man, than to have never have done this at all...

Sx

zIggI said...

poor Carol, she put all her hopes in a non interest bearing twonk who will notice her in 30 years time and wonder if he can make a small much reduced deposit for old times sake.

Macy said...

Ha! Scottish Widow Sandy, c'est moi!
C'est moi! Spooks!
Too bad I'm looking for more than the limited rate of growth you get from your bog standard banker :)

Kevin Musgrove said...

Aaaargh!!!

Having switched off the telly not half an hour ago in disgust when this advert came on I turn to the blogosphere for solace and what do I find?

I'd have half a mind to take back that Creme Egg if I weren't convinced you've already scoffed all your Easter eggs.

Happy Frog and I said...

I'm well in to day 2 of trying to think of something witty to write to complement your fantastically well thought out post. I give up and will move to plan B instead which is to let you know I loved this post!

Mitzi said...

"Smell my fingers!" urged Carol "Ugh!" sniffed Derek "What on Earth have you been up to?" Carol smiled coquettishly. "I've just been wanking Howard off in the men's bogs and I'm never going to wash them again."

Whirlochre said...

What great hats. And they play music too.

Scarlet Blue said...

ZIggI: Hopefully Carol will have come to her senses by then and will tell Derek what he can do with his non-performing variable assets.

Macy: You need bonds. James Bonds...

Kev: Apologies.
It's on all the flaming time at the moment... cos of tax and stuff. I think today is the deadline so maybe they'll stop showing it.

Happy Froggy: Thankyou! I may get down to writing another come mid-July - I'm very lazy.

Mitzi: I pulled my ick face when I read your comment - which isn't pretty and is likely to give me wrinkles.

Mr Whirly: Hats...??
Please don't make me watch this bloody ad again...

Sx

Scarlet Blue said...

Mr Whirly: Did you mean caps?
Sx

The Lovely Bones said...

Scarlett.....

Very original...

I bank with Halifax.....the term's cash injection/cash withdrawal will never be the same...

Me thinks you watch too much TV....or you work for a rival advertising company......ha ha...


Specially for you :-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8D9xCBcfzw

Banging tune....

TLB xx

Scarlet Blue said...

Lovely: I watch too much TV!
Thanks for the link.
Sx

EmmaK said...

oh God what is an ISA?
I know its something to do with pensions but i'd rather just put my head in the sand
I think they call them 4012Ks here

Gadjo Dilo said...

Yep, you're back on top class, Scarley! There's something vaguely naughty about "double entry bookkeeping", but I'm not sure what it is.

Scarlet Blue said...

Emmak: Individual Savings Account... but from the advert you'd think they were banging on about something far more glamorous.

Gadj: Most double entry systems are mucky and slightly salacious.

Sx

WV: desperag.... honestly...

Kerrie said...

I think Carol should give it up and wait for Howard to pop back in the branch. He was a much better prospect for Carol and he had a little extra.

Scarlet Blue said...

Kerrie: Howard had delusions of pop super stardom. Bless 'im.
I think Carol should leave banking altogether and try to get some flake action.
Sx

mutleythedog said...

The Halifax are loathesome swine who have punished us all with these ads for years... your version is a lot better..

Malc said...

What happened to Howard? Is he dead?

Malc said...

And why are they all working in a radio station now?

donn w2Nz said...

As long as Bowie and Queen are receiving their proper royalty fees...sigh...
I suppose ther isn't much that can be done to stop this.

He is made out to be so deadly dull that he couldn't get laid in a Women's prison...and she is channeling Tina Fey but about 2 decades too early...
I'm against it.

Scarlet Blue said...

Mr Mutts: Thank you, Mr Mutts.
I really wish this advert would go away... I think I've seen it 572 times since I posted this post.

Malc: It's a hideous thought isn't it, that the Halifax would really run a radio station purely for advertising financial products.
I'd jump off the top of a very high building.

Mr Coppens: I really hate advertisers nicking songs that I like.
I used to like Blur but their music has been undermined by being the tune of choice for so many advertisers.. including British Gas.

Sx

Grump said...

Beautiful, laugh I almost cried. Finishing with a generous investment and a sudden withdrawal. Purrfect.
Woof x

Scarlet Blue said...

Grump: Thank you, Grump!
Sx