Tuesday, 29 June 2010

...and on that note....

My poor old laptop can't cope with the snazzy newfangled Blogger templates. I find myself jerking off all over your posts, and this just isn't seemly, or appropriate. I can enter you via Google reader but it's still hit or miss as to whether I make it into your comments box. It is most frustrating. And my line speed is on go slow.
So I am having a longer break than I thought I would. I thought it would be nice to leave my blog with a classic Scarlet post, until I get a new laptop, or some kind soul sends me an iPad and on that note....



It takes years of learning, a steady pair of hands, and an unflinching demeanour to gain the ancient skills and techniques required for good bush-craft. Here we see Annie Wilkinson with a portfolio of her latest topiary designs and a few of her happy clients. Annie has a natural flair for ornamental balls and geometric squares. She has learnt her trade the hard way and she has reached the top of the tree in her field without the need for an Ikea stepladder. It was an arduous ascent. There were bumps and gashes along the way, nics and serious injury. Her pathway has been hard to clear. First she was tripped up by Sally’s stubble, then she got lost in Lindy’s thicket; she was almost broken by Brenda’s bracken and just very confused by Allie’s travelling wicker. Finally, she slipped and lost her clippers whilst shearing mossy flanks. Indeed, there have been rough patches, and times when she nearly gave up. Thankfully, Annie’s supportive friends rallied round and offered up their scrubby beds so that she could beaver at her craft. She tackled Tina’s teasels; she dealt with Holly’s pricks; she weeded Fanny’s borders and shaped up Moira’s twigs….. [good grief]
Anyhow, Annie has grown restless, there is only so much she can do with sequins, spangles and decorative fringing; she is tired of all this frippery and has decided to turn her attentions to boyfriend Duncan’s natural forest. It is huge and on a mammoth scale. The sap is rising, her fingers are loose, she’s learning the pleasures of whittling with spruce….

40 comments:

Lulu LaBonne said...

Bless your neatly trimmed bush Scarlet - I hope you get that ipad soon
xxx

mapstew said...

Oh Scarlet! You funny!

:¬)

xxx

63mago said...

... with recklass abandon ...

I thank you for the explanation, pretty swinging at the end of the twigs, you shuffled right in seemingly ... 'scuse me while I bang my head on the desk ...

wv: buzin

Yeah!

eroswings said...

I hope Annie appreciates handling a hardwood!

Dave said...

I have no idea what you are talking about.

My new computer arrived on Friday. Life is so much better now.

Scarlet Blue said...

You see! It's just me jerking off everywhere, isn't it?!!!
Not fair. My laptop is an antique.
Sx

Roadshow said...

Don't waste your money on an iPad mate, even if you really like it's shiny shiny, it is really only of use as a second computer, what with no usb port, no card reader, etc. Worse Still Apple still refuse to support Flash, so lots of websites will not display correctly.
iPad is a victory of slick advertising over common sense, a thorough milking of the Apple faithful.
Live without the shiny and you can spend less and have more.
Geek has spoken.

savannah said...

sweet mary sunshine, sugar! i hope y'alls laptop problems are solved soon! xoxoxo

vw: wangs

kyknoord said...

I'm glad to hear she's taken matters firmly in hand.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Gosh! What a topic to take a break and leave us with.
May your laptop (or iPad) be forthcoming soon.

xl said...

Please be mindful when taking a Wilkinson Sword to one's bush!

Happy Frog and I said...

I saw that advert previously and hoped you would work you magic. Thank you and I hope your computer probs get sorted out soon. :-)

Eryl Shields said...

Good lord you have excelled yourself with this one!

moreidlethoughts said...

You're a class act, Miss Scarlet.Sharp but controlled.

Pat said...

it makes me cross when I see those fancy ones. I have about four and can never get the replacement blades to fit. Drives me nuts

nick said...

A good job Annie has plenty of experience or Duncan would be quaking in his shoes at the thought of her all-out assault on his rampant foliage. But I'm sure the new high-speed, deep-excavation dental drill will clear it all swiftly and painlessly.

Kerrie said...

Please do not enter me via Google reader without taking the necessary precautions.
Hope you lap top comes soon xx

mapstew said...

Once on a visit to my guitar player's house I passed his wife in the garden, tending to the shrubbery and playing with their cat. As I said to Pete, (guitar player), I've just seen Herself in the garden, trimming her bush and stroking her........aaaah. :¬)

(See that's what happens when you start jerking off all over the place!) :¬)

xxx

WV = ingaters!

Princess said...

Oh Scarlet you do make me laugh.
Pubic topiary, an artform that Annie has quietly mastered.

WV.licedivi
Seems that Annie can cope with anything

Ponita in Real Life said...

Despite the technical difficulties, Scarlet... you are in fine form! :-)

Hope you get yourself a real computer... not one of those overgrown tablet thingies.

Scarlet Blue said...

I forgot to mention that this is an old post from April 2009! Sadly, I haven't been beavering away at anything new.

Lulu: Using a specialist shaving balm has helped no end.

Mr Maps: Thank you!

Mr Mags: Steady, Mr Mags, I'm not good at first aid.

Mr Swings: Annie is a pro...

Dave: I will be getting a new computer... just don't know when. It will be state of the art...circa 2007

Mr Roadshow: Do Amstrad do anything similar to the iPad?

Savvy: It's just one thing after another this year!

Mr Kinky: All women learn how to be manually dextrous from an early age.

Mr IVD: Is this your first visit? Hello and Welcome!!!
My regular monthly blogging pattern is thus:-
Week 1 - Go on blogging frenzy; love everyone.
Week 2 - blogging frenzy tails off.
Week 3 - Get sulky about something [eg. new blogger templates] and vow never to blog again.
Week 4 - Start missing blogging and sneak up posts saying that I'm not blogging.

Mr XL: Swords are good in an ambush.

HappyFroggy: This is an old post from my annals. Weird though because I haven't seen this advert on TV for a while and then I saw it twice last night. I suppose it's a summer ad though.

Eryl: Thank you!

Dinah ...and thank you too! Hopefully not so sharp that I nic myself?

Pat: The price we ladies will pay for pink plastic razors.
I should really try wax... but....! Ouch!

Nick: Please don't mention 'dental' on this blog... or I'll be forced to dig those old posts out as well.

Kerrie: I always have a tissue handy before coming to your blog.
TO WIPE MY TEARS... goodness, the minds of some people... Cosmic Kitty reminds my of my old pussy.

Mr Maps: Goodness! I wondered where you were going with that!

Missy Princess: Word Verification code is so rude. He is the bain of my life..

Ponita: Yep, I will get a real computer. This laptop has done pretty well... I think Vista has come and gone and I'm still using XP!

Sx

The Unbearable Banishment said...

Is jerking off over everyone’s post some sort of editorial euphemism about the content? Because that can be interpreted as either good or bad.

I appreciate Annie's skill, but I don't want to know about the process. It's the same thing with sausage. I love it but I don't want to know how its made.

Leah said...

My old laptop is making me do things I wouldn't ordinarily...

Let's pray for some new ones that won't misbehave.

63mago said...

xp after all works.
I had to listen to the ad at least three of four times to understand the lady, a total different tone and melody. How would you sort this kind of "speak" in, how would you label it?
I saw once a film clip at Roses' and did not understand one word, I guess it was South London?

Joanna Cake said...

I have one of those - they're ace! Although, Ruf wasn't too impressed when he tried to trim his cheek stubble after forgetting his own razor a few weeks back. It was decidedly uneven!

After months with a laptop and mobile dongle, I treated myself to broadband and a proper PC. It's so much more civilised :)

Kevin Musgrove said...

At the risk of sounding geeky: since I started using Google Chrome on my laptop I've been whizzing round the internet like a nun on rollerblades.

Added bonus: I can only access my works email on Internet Explorer.

Grump said...

Thanks for sharing and I hope your bush stays neat and tidy till we next see you via your new computer. Happy hedge trimming in the mean time. x

Scarlet Blue said...

Mr Banish: The jerking at least has potential... some of these templates trap me so that I can't escape.

Leah: Oh Leah, I'm so pleased I'm not the only one who is struggling. Let's hope we get upgrades soon.

Mr Mags: I probably wouldn't understand Roses either. She lives in Norfolk. She's a Northerner as far as I'm concerned!

Ms Cakes: ...but having a dongle sounds rather fun!
Anyhow, yes... I need to join civilisation...

Kev: I'm suspicious of Google apps since their toolbar made the laptop even slower. I will think about it.

Grump: Thank you, Mr Grump - I have plenty to keep me busy!

Sx

Kevin Musgrove said...

Ooh God... don't touch the apps! Just have Chrome as it comes out of the tin.

mago said...

@ Kevin Musgrove - there's a version called "iron" too. All the google-calling-home-thingies turned off.

Scarlet Blue said...

Kev and Mr Mags: I will hold out for Google Spandex.

Sx

63mago said...

Spondex?

Clyde said...

Just like a maze--
If you follow the well trodden path past the finely trimmed hedges, you can usually find your way to an entrance that will satisfy you

Scarlet Blue said...

Mr Mags: I love it!

Mr Clyde: You sound like an expert!

You two both made me laugh today, thank you.

Sx

Mitzi said...

I like to leave my shrub trimmings on the window ledge for the birds to use as nesting material, sometimes it blows off and wafts into next door's garden. I need a new PC the one I use now is ancient, and it makes a sound like there is a next of woodpeckers inside trying to get out. It's a worry isn't it?

Scarlet Blue said...

Mitzi: You are home!
I hope the birds enjoy the extra luxury you provide...
My laptop sounds like a jet plane struggling to take off - depending on whose blog I'm visiting!
Sx

LL Cool Joe said...

I've always preferred the shaggy bush myself...

nick said...

Why does "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" suddenly sound like a particularly saucy double entendre?

BEAST said...

Miss Scarlet I am sorry to report my Topiary Dolphin is in a sorry state , it has contracted some sort of mange :-(

Scarlet Blue said...

Mr Joe: You surprise me, I thought you were a smoothie.

Nick: I've always thought having two birds in a bush was a bit of a carry on.

Mr Beastie: Squirt it with dilute washing up liquid and blow some bubbles at it.
This perks up most things.

Sx