Sunday, 17 October 2010

Hands That Do Dishes



Each year, thousands of women from near and far, flock to a giant Cath Kidston kitchen warehouse [probably somewhere near Islington] to watch the passing on of the ceremonial Fairy Liquid bottle.
Over the years, generations of women have donned the seventies poodle perm, trussed themselves in starched white pinafores, and have washed up sinks full of cheap crockery in the hope that they would follow in the footsteps of the great Fairy fondlers of the past. There is no greater honour, for a woman, than to have the Fairy Liquid bottle bestowed upon her. If nothing else, it means that she will get to wear a nice frock on the telly and her daughter will be given a soft toy or a pretty doll.
To qualify as a Fairy Queen the contestant must be female. She must also have a pretty blond or brunette daughter [disguised gingers will be disqualified]; wear a piny, even on horseback; know the difference between Denby Arabesque and vintage Franciscan earthenware; be accustomed to wearing rubber on a daily basis without coming out in a rash; know the fundamentals of having a well stacked rack, and most importantly, be able to whistle the National anthem whilst flashing a minky.
Controversially, the hopeful finalists for 2010 were all members of the Womford-on-Terrace Washing Up Display Team. Their leader, Gloden Vantitty – an Icelandic beauty from Bournemouth - had won the iconic liquid bottle four times in the previous five years and had claimed that her success was down to an ancient scrubbing technique and absolutely nothing to do with intimate involvement with the seventeen gentlemen on the judging committee. Therefore, it came as no surprise when Nanette Newman [star of stage, screen, and many Fairy Liquid ads] announced that Miss Vantitty had yet again succeeded in winning the Fairy Queen crown and bottle sceptre.
All would have continued well for Gloden if it hadn’t been for Fanny Vantitty, a jealous relative, who salaciously revealed to a national newspaper that Gloden hardly ever bought Fairy. Photographic evidence revealed she’d been using a dishwasher for the last ten years and had a live-in maid called Tansy.
Gloden was relieved of her Fairy liquid bottle, it was clear to all that she was all washed up and no longer the star of this kitchen sink drama.

65 comments:

Dave said...

I think we deserve a picture of you in your pinny. And nothing else.

MJ said...

I nominate BEAST as the next Fairy Queen.

Oh wait...there's his fear of rubber gloves.

But he has a Love Mitten!

*checks calendar and sees that today's the day to visit Dave*

Scarlet Blue said...

Dave: Sigh.

MJ: Mr Beastie's real name is Beastly-von-Vantitty. For some reason he keeps this quiet.

Sx

Madame DeFarge said...

I rarely make it to this stellar event, due to perpetually visible ginger hairs. One does so try with one's moustache, but somehow, it never quite works.

nick said...

The Fairy Queen must be female? Not fair, not fair. *screams uncontrollably and weeps into apron*

We all knew Gloden was on the fiddle. Obviously the prize should have gone to Janice Elbow-Grease for her spotless Biggin Hill bungalow where she even polishes the roof tiles and buffs the bricks.

Eryl said...

Thank you for this insight into the arcane sport of dishwashing, I had no idea it was still going on. I do feel sorry for Golden, trying to straddle two such incompatible lifestyles must have been exhausting. Fanny probably did her a favour.

Pat said...

I quite enjoyed this ad - identifying the decades.
How times change. In the fifties I remember advertising Pin up Home Perm - never having been near a perm of any kind. Vidal Sassoon did the hair

fairyhedgehog said...

I was hoping to be the next Fairy Queen but I've got a dishwasher. I suppose it was never meant to be.

Vicus Scurra said...

You inhabit a very strange universe

Scarlet Blue said...

Madame D: I too take issue with the ginger rule... not that I'm ginger or anything...

Nick: I think Janice was disqualified for living in a bungalow... and for using too much spit on her cutlery.

Eryl: Fanny is in the business of doing favours...
Anyhow, yes, regarding this arcane sport... I have drafted Nick Clegg a stern letter. He is a liberal so he should know what to do with it.

Pat: Did Vidal use rollers... or did he perm your hair for the ad?
I wish you had more pics of your ad days... like the stockings ad - that was fab.

Fairyhedgehog: There may be a Fairy Dishwasher Tablet award in the offing... although it's not going to be as glamorous... and the winner gets a trip on the London Eye and a year's supply of Bacofoil. Don't ask me why - I have a hangover.

Sx

Scarlet Blue said...

Mr Scurry: It's all true, I tell you!!!
Sx

wendy house said...

The girls in Sheepwash have just laughed the house down, and we're moving onto to compare stacking techniques and the relative efficiency of different rubbers

TechnoBabe said...

See, you can write about any subject and make it fun and interesting. Just seeing Franciscan ware again was fun. One of my foster homes as a kid had that. I wouldn't have known one dish from another. We are moving to a small cottage the end of this month and then it is back to hand washing for me again and a well stacked rack. Ha.

KEVIN JACKSON said...

Great take on it but I think it was minky Tansy on the make wot blew the gaff.

Sweet S, sorry to abuse YOUR comments, (I know I deserve a public de-blogging for bounderishness) but ... Pat, I love your story, and Dave, your ultra-cool 'Under Review' is on my list.

xl said...

I misread it as Manky and was somewhat confused when the link lead to household cleaning products. Sorry.

Scarlet Blue said...

Wendy: I hope you are all wearing suitable attire such as these must have Gloveables.

Techybabes: For you, Miss Techybabes, I would advise these, to take the pain out of going back manual dish washing.

Mr Kevin: Feel free to use the Scarlet Blue introductory service.
All invoices are sent at the end of the year, and be warned, I do not treat late payers favourably.

Mr XL: I'll have you know that my links are never manky!!!
But I apologise for any confusion caused.

Sx

Scarlet Blue said...

Apologies Techybabes: I have been hoisted by my own petard... which is never nice... and I have made a manky link.
Christ, this is why you should never blog with a hangover... let me find you a suitable link...
Apologies again.
SXXX

63mago said...

Ah, the fairy fondlers from Islington! All is revealed! :)
But all this rubber kills the feeling. Palmolive softens the hands, no need for rubber gloves, it helps with a stacked rack too.

Scarlet Blue said...

Techybabes: Here is your link.
Pricey, but I think I owe you compensation.
Sx

xl said...

Given the circumstances, shouldn't I also be entitled to manky compensation?

Scarlet Blue said...

Mr Mags: Weird. That sounds more convincing when I don't under the language.
Sx

I think I ought to go and lay down now before I inadvertently offend anyone else!

Scarlet Blue said...

Mr XL: Will a monkey be enough?
SX

Princess said...

My fairy dishwasher keeps getting her wings wet...
Any Suggestions?

Scarlet Blue said...

Missy Princess: Tampons?
Sx

Dave said...

Dave's ultra-cool 'Under Review'? Have I missed something?

savannah said...

i am so confused! xoxoxox

Kevin Musgrove said...

I had decorated the kitchen in black and white gingham in the hopes of being fairy fondled by Nanette Newman but all I got was some fat bloke in a pinny muttering: "It's mighty meaty matey!"

French Fancy... said...

You are such a one-off!

Incidentally, talking of Fairy - I've succumbed to those stupid Ainsley adverts and switched from Finish dishwasher tabs to Fairy and do you know what? They are indeed better. Who says advertising doesn't work.

xx

Mitzi said...

I'm just wondering can hands that do dishes feel as soft as your face with Mild Green Fairy Liquid?

What about Nettos own brand of washing up liquid, is that any better? Imagine the advert, some scrubber at the sink, a burning ciggy resting on the kitchen window ledge, she'd be wearing a tee-shirt with yesterday's dinner down it, her hair tied up in a scrunchy, her daughter comes up to her and asks "Mummy why are your hands so fairy soft?" - Cause I'm 12 years old I don't need you traipsing under my feet all day long now fuckoff! Go and make yourself useful and rob something from Jack Fultons for our tea, then come home and ask nanna if she needs help with her maths homework.

BEAST said...

That ghastly Vantitty woman has been sniffing around , eyeing my love mitten in a very predatory fashion
***shudders***

absurdoldbird said...

What's especially worrying about that video is that my mum had some of those dishes...

Yep, the old fairy bottle award is still doin' the rounds....!

moreidlethoughts said...

I was laughing so much I muffed this comment several times.

If Fairy's so smooth and lasts so long,how come it's not being promoted as a personal lubricant?

Off-topic...pleased you followed the book link at UB's .

Rog said...

You missed out the Vantitty brothers Hans and Gervaise.
Hans when judicious can be soft as Gervaise.

Happy Frog and I said...

I hope your hangover is now a thing of the past. I should have had one this weekend but dodged a bullet! Loved this post so much. I have never had a dishwasher (apart from the other half) so I reckon I could get that title for myself. :-)

Scarlet Blue said...

Dave: You are being watched.

Savvy: Not as confused as me!

Kev: Did he ask you if you were finger lickin' good? It's always a worry when this happens.

Mrs Fancy: To give it its due, Fairy Liquid does last forever... I've had a bottle for ages and now I want to try something new.

Mitzi: And I can think of one person perfect for the Netto role: Kerry Katona.
But maybe even Netto wouldn't stoop so low.

Mr Beastie: Do not worry, Mr Beastie, Gloden Vantitty has her hands full with her Minky.

Ms Dolly Bird: It's funny - I love those old plates... they make me feel looked after.. and remind me of doorstep cheese sandwiches.

Dinah: It surely is a magic product and has many uses!
I enjoyed looking at the book art blog - it was very inspiring. I'll nip back every now and then.

Rog: ...with mild green, hairy lip squid...

Sx

Scarlet Blue said...

Happyfrog: I've never had a dishwasher either... and enjoy trying out different brands of washing liquid... and I'm wating for Calvin Klein to introduce a range of designer kitchen products... well you never know... I think it could work...
'Eternity' sounds like a washing up liquid that would last a long time...
Sx

B-u-x said...

Miss Scarlet

I'm forever blowing bubbles ;-)

Bux x

EmmaK said...

ha ha! Does anyone even do dishes by hand these days??? If you have a family surely you'd have a dishwasher.

I have tagged you I want to know your recipe for Mr Right!

Scarlet Blue said...

BUX: Believe it or not, I was trying to weave that tune in there somewhere... I'm so silly... I should have staged it in Chelsea!

Emmak: Oh thank God! Do you know how long I've been waiting for a tag?! And the awards seem to have dried up as well...
I will get on to it for my next post.

Sx

Dave said...

I don't have a dishwasher. I'm still waiting for Miss Right.

Mitzi said...

Netto is too posh for the likes of her, she could be the new face of Foxy Bingo though. Do forgive me for sullying your blog with foul language, I got carried away with the drama.

Betty said...

I don't own a dishwasher. I prefer to look into the foaming water as I clean the plates, reflecting on the futility of existence like the woman in the video for Orbital's "Halcyon".

Donn Coppens said...

Splendid, insightful, and alarming as usual. I'm fairly certain that the rule remains "No Glove, No Love"?
I am the defacto warsher du dishes and it keeps my finger tips nice and supple..for about half an hour.

63mago said...

I do not use a machine.
Only my manly hands.

And sometimes a big soft brush.

Roses said...

I confess I not only wash my dishes with Fairy, I also have a pair of marigold gloves to do them with.

Unfortunately, my nose stud and habit of leaving the dishes until they go green has disqualified me from entering the Fairy fondling competition. More's the pity.

Scarlet Blue said...

Dave: I will send round a Vantitty.

Mitzi: She could be the face of Fox Bingo and Krispy Kreme Donnuts... I'm sure she could fit it all in.
I didn't notice the expletive until you pointed it out! No worries!

Betty: I often do the washing up and think about posts I could write... kind of similar?!

Mr Coppens: The tip is to moisturise well before covering with rubber - then you'll be softer for longer.

Roses: I bet you know to moisturise before slipping into rubber...?

Sx

Roses said...

No dahling. I've been sprinkling with talc.

My wv: lation.

I kid you not.

Mark said...

I've posted this on a forum frequently frequented by experienced scrubbers - many of whom I just happen to know have a wardrobe almost exclusively populated by rubber items. They are most excited and I expect will be entering this competition en mass next year.

By the way, I am surprised that you are anti-ginger. I am rather fond of the stuff myself. I have a bottle of vodka stuffed with root ginger. It makes the most amazing Moscow Mules. Call around, I'll show you

Dr J

Donn Escapeons said...

Mosturizing the tip and covering with rubber will make me softer for longer?
?
?
?
I'll have to get back to you because I am stumped!

Scarlet Blue said...

GLOVES!!! RUBBER WASHING UP GLOVES!!!
Some of you ]Roses and Mr Coppens] seem to be on an entirely different wavelength...
If you slaver your hands with hand cream before putting on your rubber gloves and doing the dishes... then your hands get extra soft.
Don't say that you never learn anything in this comments box...

Sorry Mark... It's always a good idea to have an exciting range of rubber GLOVES... to choose from before doing the washing up.

Sx

Scarlet Blue said...

...Obviously I meant slather... and I didn't really get my bracket round the wrong way.
This is what too many Moscow Mules can do to you...

Sx

63mago said...

Ta!

Roses said...

What did you think I meant?!

My Ms Scarlet you have a filthy mind!

I'm shocked. Shocked, I tell you.

Kevin Musgrove said...

Hand cream and rubber gloves?

Oh... kitchen capers

Kerrie said...

Female( tick ), accustomed to wearing rubber ( tick ), well stacked( tick ),piny( tick), cute blond daughter ( dam ).
I liked Fairy when you could make rockets out of the bottle.

63mago said...

"Gef├╝hlsecht"?

nick said...

I was always puzzled by the fact that Fairy Liquid "cuts through grease". Cuts through? Does it incorporate some kind of knife? Is this okay with Health and Safety?

63mago said...

Th trick seems to be to have a slop of Fairy in the rubber glove ...

Scarlet Blue said...

Roses: I am as pure as a snowball.

Kev: And there's also the trick with the turkey baster.

Kerrie: I had to make do with Pricerites own brand - it wasn't quite the same. I've never recovered.

Mr Mags: Funny you should say that, cos that's how I'm feeling!

Nick: ...a bit like Edward Scissorhands...?

Mr Mags: I am a fairy. My name is Nuff.
Fairy Nuff.

Sx

I am away for sulking.

Kerrie said...

Scarlet, do you remember your Tuffers thing? Well I think it's happening to me with Mat Baker can you help?

xl said...

"I am away for sulking"

Please, no sulking. Pouting would be OK though.

Scarlet Blue said...

Kerrie: Zoot Alors!!!
Oh. Focus on Scott Maslen. Matt Baker... oh. Too clean.

Mr XL: I am recovering from sulking. Mr Beastie has promised that we will take the green shorts to Buckingham Palace. He has contacts; we may even get them on the throne.
You heard it here first.

Sx

63mago said...

Zoot Allures?

Scarlet Blue said...

: Thank you! Did I notice the casual use of a French horn?
Sx

Dave said...

A French horn sounds like a prophylactic.