Tuesday, 16 November 2010

The Secret Policeman's Pencil

"Fearing that they would fall foul of health and safety guidelines, honorary police removed the ends of their pencils. There was no cost involved as an honorary officer removed the ends on his lathe.
The president of the honorary police association said they did not want to take any risks with children running around"

Taken from BBC Teletext South West 15/11/2010

There is no mention of what happened to their truncheons.

Other News: Apparently we must break open a bottle of Asti in celebration of the impending Royal nuptials... I hope Kate and William won't mind getting wed on the beach in Southend. I'll pay, it'll be cheaper that way.

Sunday, 7 November 2010

Secret Ingredients

Back in my heyday I was be-stacked with Memes and Awards; once upon a time I was popular and not a week would go by without someone bestowing a prestigious accolade upon me. However, now that I'm an old has been, and all my glitter has dropped off, a Meme is something of a rarity. But I have one!!! The lovely, exquisite, warm, kind and generous EmmaK has thrown one in my direction. She is obviously mixing in the right circles [makes note to plunder Emma's blogrol] and is rubbing shoulders with those with the bling.
Anyhow, she has asked me to publish my secret recipe for the perfect man... to be honest this had me a bit stumped... but I've now narrowed it down to these ten essential ingredients:-

1. Must be able to coax the squirrels out of trees with a handful of nuts.

2. Must be able to reverse with a trailer [I have a lot of cosmetics].

3. Must have a good and proper understanding of the theory of torsional vibration and know how to clean apparatus after heavy usage.

4. Must be hideously competitive. There is nothing funnier than beating a hideously competitive man at Tiddly Winks, or KerPlunk.

5. Must be able to skim a pebble across a tranquil lake by moonlight without knocking out a beaver [a little light romance is sometimes appropriate].

6. Must be willing to clean up cat vomit without being asked.

7. Must be willing to watch old back and white movies without complaining about the lack of car chases/explosions/explicit sex scenes, or falling asleep.

8. Must have an inexhaustible supply of batteries, stamps, tippex, staples and general stuff that I'm always running out of.

9. Must be able to carry a large load of luggage with a smile and song apon his lips.

10. Must be good at making lists.

11. ...must know not to comment on my weird excesses...

12. Must be able to read instructions.

I would now like to pass this meme on to the following people:-

Mr Maps
Mr Mags
Mr Beastie
Mr Swings

...and anyone else who fancies having a go is most welcome to.

Oh, and please adapt your recipe according to your sexual preferences.

Monday, 1 November 2010

Best Before

I am sitting here having my morning cup of tea with a Nature Valley granola bar. I like to dunk it. The discarded wrapper from the bar is laying by the side of the mug; the small print has caught my eye as it reads:-
Best Before: See Under Flap.
Time to get my first tattoo...

Meanwhile, I have drafts. In my postbox. They are all unfinished. I will get to work and finish them soon.