Sunday, 7 November 2010

Secret Ingredients

Back in my heyday I was be-stacked with Memes and Awards; once upon a time I was popular and not a week would go by without someone bestowing a prestigious accolade upon me. However, now that I'm an old has been, and all my glitter has dropped off, a Meme is something of a rarity. But I have one!!! The lovely, exquisite, warm, kind and generous EmmaK has thrown one in my direction. She is obviously mixing in the right circles [makes note to plunder Emma's blogrol] and is rubbing shoulders with those with the bling.
Anyhow, she has asked me to publish my secret recipe for the perfect man... to be honest this had me a bit stumped... but I've now narrowed it down to these ten essential ingredients:-

1. Must be able to coax the squirrels out of trees with a handful of nuts.

2. Must be able to reverse with a trailer [I have a lot of cosmetics].

3. Must have a good and proper understanding of the theory of torsional vibration and know how to clean apparatus after heavy usage.

4. Must be hideously competitive. There is nothing funnier than beating a hideously competitive man at Tiddly Winks, or KerPlunk.

5. Must be able to skim a pebble across a tranquil lake by moonlight without knocking out a beaver [a little light romance is sometimes appropriate].

6. Must be willing to clean up cat vomit without being asked.

7. Must be willing to watch old back and white movies without complaining about the lack of car chases/explosions/explicit sex scenes, or falling asleep.

8. Must have an inexhaustible supply of batteries, stamps, tippex, staples and general stuff that I'm always running out of.

9. Must be able to carry a large load of luggage with a smile and song apon his lips.

10. Must be good at making lists.

11. ...must know not to comment on my weird excesses...

12. Must be able to read instructions.

I would now like to pass this meme on to the following people:-

Mr Maps
Mr Mags
Mr Beastie
Mr Swings

...and anyone else who fancies having a go is most welcome to.

Oh, and please adapt your recipe according to your sexual preferences.


Dave said...


B-u-x said...

I think I am living with your Mr Perfect, or Mr Damn Near in any case.


fairyhedgehog said...

Number four is the best! You are a very naughty woman, winding him up like that!

Scarlet Blue said...

Dave: Inches?

Bux: Did he let himself down on the pebble skimming? They often do...


Scarlet Blue said...

Fairyhedgehog: You sound like you understand where I'm coming from!

Macy said...

Typo in number 12 there Scarlet!
Must be able to FOLLOW instructions.
Any Fule can read. Takes a real man to Do As He Is Told.

Scarlet Blue said...

Macy: 'Tis a tricky one this, cos they usually don't read or follow.
I am thinking of making DVDs where I sit and read out instruction manuals wearing nothing more than a satin negligee with diamante and faux pearl bow embellishments and functional faux pearl buttons.
Perhaps this would help them with instructions?

Eryl said...

Number 4 is the key here, I feel, if you get that you can turn the rest into sport of the: "Charlie was the fasted cat vomit cleaner upper I've ever encountered!"sort.

Madame DeFarge said...

I am relieved at this list. We shall never compete for the same man. Putting up with me is enough these days.

Kevin Musgrove said...

I can't drive and I'm firmly of the opinion that cat vomit is best left to solidify so that you can scrape it up with an eye-liner brush, but aside from that...

nick said...

Surprised you haven't mentioned the ability to assemble flat pack furniture without (a) attempting suicide (b) having acute psychotic episode or (c) weeping uncontrollably. I guess being able to read and follow instructions would be a good start.

Of course personally I've never bought any flat pack furniture. I would die of embarrassment being associated with such vulgarity.

FirstNations said...

Over here, if you want to ride the Native American you got to ride American. Thats a make or break right there. I'm dead serious about that too. A man can't or won't get right is usually someone who still fears his mother and gags when confronted with the goop left in the sink strainer.

*slurpy sucky kiss, with loud spit noises*

Ponita in Real Life said...

I suppose I will have to get to know my LHB a bit better before I can compare him to your list, Scarlet. I do know, without a doubt, that reversing a trailer is something he could do in his sleep!

@FN: hahahaha! Ain't that the truth!!

nursemyra said...

Numbers 6-12 are absolutely essential

Happy Frog and I said...

Is number 9 even possible? Surely there has to be grumbling and bribery?

You are totally in your heyday as far as I'm concerned. :-)

BEAST said...

I scored a magnificent 1/3 as I recently went wild in Morrisons and bought lots of batteries that were on special offer.
As to the rest

MJ said...

Would this cat vomit sign be of any use to you?

LL Cool Joe said...

Did you mention bling? I'm ok on number 9 just don't ask me to carry your handbag or dog.

Pat said...

# 3 has me foxed.
What about standing patiently by and carrying bags when clothes shopping? Ah the dear dead days!

TechnoBabe said...

#11 would be the top of the list for me. You are back in great form which is a pleasure.

Scarlet Blue said...

Eryl: Exactement! [God bless Dr Maroon wherever he is]. How I love a race to do the washing up and the competition to see who is the most competent at changing the hoover bag.

Madame D: A bet M.Defarge can skim pebbles... I have a feel for these things.

Kev: *Sharp intake of breath and padlocks make-up trunk*

Nick: Have you been looking at my drafts?! Flat-pack furniture did indeed feature, but I deleted as it got all too technical and a woolly pom-pom was missing.

I am now going to have to consult Google search.


Scarlet Blue said...

Miss Nations: Hello and a warm welcome!
I am not sure that I have ever ridden an American... but I quite fancy Mr Swings?
Riding a British is a very bumpy ride... they tend to over rev or stall... there is rarely any middle ground.

Ponita: If he can reverse a trailer then you are on to a winner!
I'm behind with your love life again, aren't I? I will remedy this later today.
...I am a little perplexed by the acronym LHB - I am doubtful that it means either Luxurious Hair Boutique or Laboratory Hazards Bulletin - I'm sure that after a visit to your blog that all will become clear.

Nursemyra: Hello Sweetie! You've been here before haven't you? Welcome again!
I know I wrote this tongue in cheek, but yes, now I think about it, 6 - 12 are essential!


And now for a fag break, although there are dark storm clouds gathering. I will have to take my brolly.

Scarlet Blue said...

Happyfroggy: I think no.9 might be the deal breaker!

Mr Beastie: I wouldn't dream of stealing your batteries, I know that you need them for this.

MJ: Indeed! And this would be a perfect gift for the man in my life to remind him of his purpose.

Mr Cool: The thought of anyone trying to carry my old dog [now sadly deseased] makes me laugh... he weighed over 7stone.

Pat: Probably best to gloss over no.3... I'm not good on the theory of anything. And yes, I'm a hands free kinda girl so a man should always be able to happily double up as a shelf.

Techybabes: And I mean excesses in all my areas!


Sausage Fingers said...

I would use #7 as a pawn for the next time she does not want to see the exploding cars, breasts and knife fight movie.

EmmaK said...

ha ha yes I see what you mean about the competitive man - when you beat him there is a real sense of victory at utterly devastating him! As for the rest cleaning up cat there a man on earth who'd do that without being asked???

Dave said...

You added another one since I answered. I'm now up to 10½. No, not inches, Scarlet, you cheeky young thing.

I think I'll be a real catch for someone, one day.

Happy Frog and I said...

I've had to let No. 9 go in exchange for getting lovely cooked dinners. :-)

63mago said...

Except number 4 ...

Roses said...

I'll tackle the meme tonight. Must do some thinking in the meantime....


Scarlet Blue said...

Mr Sausage: Shall we watch Deal or No Deal together?

EmmaK: And the thing is a man never cleans cat vomit properly... they tend to rub it into the carpet and forget to disinfect... so you have to do it anyway.

Dave: You'd comment on my excesses, wouldn't you...?

HappyFroggy: Ah yes... a good chef would be good.

Mr Mags: Surely you can raise some competitive passion over a game of KerPlunk?

Roses: It's actually quite tricky... there's too much to choose from!


Nota Bene said...

I scored exactly 0. I feel though that shouldn't disadvantage me.

Roses said...

Right, I'm with you on 4, 5, 6 & 11. The rest would be nice, but not necessary.

Oops. I memed.


63mago said...

I do not know this game *blush* Spent my lonely nights with qbz ...

mapstew said...

I AM #9!
I was an all-singing luggage courier (long-distance) in a previous life! :¬)


Dave said...

Now Roses has told me to do this. I find I'm really not very fussy. 'Must be a woman' is as far as I've got.

Mitzi said...

He must not wipe his appendage on my gorgeous Laura Ashley curtains.

63mago said...

To echo (big) Dave ... it should be a woman ...

K said...

Wow, you remembered me I feel honoured, I will be right on it, next blog.
Judging by your list I see you have met The Colin, I will send him round later with a new supply of batteries. After he has reversed into your space he will be straight onto that cat vomit.

Dave said...

I did this meme yesterday, by the way.

Scarlet Blue said...

Apologies, I was visiting my mum at the weekend and now need a quiet place to recover. Before you ask, she is very well... but my head hurts now!