Tuesday, 16 November 2010

The Secret Policeman's Pencil

"Fearing that they would fall foul of health and safety guidelines, honorary police removed the ends of their pencils. There was no cost involved as an honorary officer removed the ends on his lathe.
The president of the honorary police association said they did not want to take any risks with children running around"


Taken from BBC Teletext South West 15/11/2010

There is no mention of what happened to their truncheons.



Other News: Apparently we must break open a bottle of Asti in celebration of the impending Royal nuptials... I hope Kate and William won't mind getting wed on the beach in Southend. I'll pay, it'll be cheaper that way.

75 comments:

kyknoord said...

Very sharp.

Dave said...

I understand to reduce costs they've ditched the Archbishop of Canterbury, and are planning to ask me to conduct the service.

Scarlet Blue said...

Mr Kinky: The word 'pointed' springs to mind.
Sx

Scarlet Blue said...

Dave: Maybe I could do their invites... I need to practice my Italic curses...
Sx

Scarlet Blue said...

...apologies, obviously I meant my Italic cursive...
Sx

Dave said...

I'm sure between all your readers we could come up with the skills to provide a complete wedding package. Who is it that's good with cake?

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Well, not MJ, that's for sure, Dave!

* hopes MJ didn't hear the aforementioned C-word *

Children are terrors for finding the ends of pencils. No good will come of this, mark my words!

Macy said...

Let's just hope they've all still got lead in their pencils!!
(Policemen I mean. Royals well...I Shall Say Nothing)

WV = foldo!

nursemyra said...

I'm good with cake Dave!

wendy house said...

They searched my handbag for pencils when I went to a pop concert recently. I felt very guilty about the HB and 3H, especailly since I only had the back or crumpled reciepts as evidence that I might want to use them legitimately

63mago said...

I'm good at getting drunk at weddings and misbehave.

The Dotterel said...

But will there be photos of Kate's bare bottom, that's what I want to know. In these egalitarian times it surely behoves the best man to dish the dirt on bride as well as groom?

Kevin Musgrove said...

It's good that they're going on honeymoon to Rhyl.

MJ said...

Did someone mention CAKE?

moreidlethoughts said...

How on earth will Mr. Plod now be able to take down any particulars?

And for cake the loving couple could always try this: http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/

Pat said...

Sometimes it does make sense. We had a child in hospital with tetanus who had accidentally been stabbed in the cheek with a sharp pencil. It was touch and go for a while.
My husband always has a pencil stuck in his breast pocket and it still makes me flinch.

Princess said...

Yes.. have the children run around a lathe instead... much safer Idea.
The next good idea for the honorary police is for them to carry wet note pads so as to avoid paper cuts.
Who is this Kate and William of which you speak?

mapstew said...

I can do the reception music, but I must insist on free beer. Or wine. Or Buckfast! :¬)

xxx

The Unbearable Banishment said...

Don't you feel just a wee bit bad for her? It's a big love-fest now with the tabloids but you KNOW they're going to turn on her eventually.

xl said...

The Dianna ring thing. Oh, God, it's started already!

nick said...

I hear truncheons are to be covered with a thick rubber envelope to ensure they do no physical harm.

Kate is an inspiration to all us work-shy layabouts. Her entire work experience seems to be as an assistant accessories buyer for Jigsaw several years ago.

Betty said...

Sting dancing: one of life's more unpleasant spectacles.

Could you arrange for Wills and Kate to get wed at the exact moment when the tide comes in at Southend and when there are stormy and treacherous weather conditions? Thanking you in advance xx

Scarlet Blue said...

Apologies for me being a sloppy blogger, but I am really behind this week.
I will get on and do my work and think about your comments and how I should reply.
My first thoughts are that we have a wealth of talent amongst us and we are more than capable of giving the happy couple the rousing send up/off they deserve. I will notify Buck House as soon as poss.
I am also pleased that we are all now fully aware of the dangers of pencils when used by the police. We will have no pencils at the Royal wedding.
Sx

Joanna Cake said...

What did Southend do to deserve such a blessing? They're already struggling to provide the infrastructure for the Olympic mountain biking, not sure the roads could cope with the paparazzi invasion too!

BEAST said...

I will cater Miss Scarlet , I hope they have an Iceland in Southend , a few vol ua vents and a prawn ring should do it

Madame DeFarge said...

Does this mean I should sell my collection of late 20th Century pencil sharpeners? With shavings from every middle ranking civil servant in Whitehall?

63mago said...

Unrelated, sorry - but didn't we touch the topic of abandoned villages lately? See this.

Roses said...

Is there a royal wedding? Really. I hadn't noticed.

Zzzzzzzzzzz.

I suppose depending on what time of year they marry, I could provide the flowers.

LL Cool Joe said...

I never realised Sting had such good arms, I'm jealous.

EmmaK said...

Jesus I wish Kate and Wills hadn't gotten engaged. As a Brit abroard I am now constantly asked to provide historical info on the Royals. Godsmacked - would you believe there are folks here in USA who didnt know Di had many affairs or that Harry is son of Hewitt? I'm knackered filling people in on it all.

Lulu LaBonne said...

Having to avoid all British press until the nonsense is over - can humans hibernate that long?

nick said...

It's curious that over the long history of pencil usage, nobody has yet worked out how to stop the lead breaking as you sharpen it.

Mitzi said...

Pencils are okay for doing the pencil test with. I prefer using a stiff nib.

K said...

It's O.k their truncheons have been fitted with a safety catch.
I miss The Police but went right of Sting after the whole tantric sex thing.

Have considered Clacton?

Happy Frog and I said...

I absolutely hate pencils this week as I spent most of my days filling in elipses with pencils on exam sheets. Yuk! I have pencil dent in my middle finger. Best thing about the royal wedding is that we will get a day off work.

Nota Bene said...

mmm blunt pencils and dumb royals....it's all so tragic...

Scarlet Blue said...

I couldn't leave a comment here yesterday... anyhow, apologies [I am in fine apologetic form], I am rather distracted at the moment... which may lead to a closing down sale... bargains before Christmas... etc...
Sx

xl said...

Please don't close, Miss Scarlet.

Scarlet Blue said...

You are very kind Mr XL... but I feel like the last scone in a baker's window... not even strawberry flavoured squirty cream would perk me up.
Sx

Dave said...

Don't you dare close. I shall have to chastise you severely if you suggest such a thing again.

Scarlet Blue said...

...but I have curling crusts... it's not a good look...
Sx

Roses said...

*sniff*

Don't leave....can't be doing with you going off to parts unknown as well.

Waaaaaahhhhhh!!!!

Scarlet Blue said...

*passes hanky to Roses*
I'm not leaving, Sweetie, I will hang around to comment... but I seem to be all out of posts for the time being.
Sx

Dave said...

Just make sure you do.

Would it help if I covered your curling crusts with heaps of clotted cream? And strawberry jam? And then nibbled on them?


Blimey. WV is SCONST

Roses said...

*blows loudly into hanky and mops up*

Sorry, the teenagers passed on their bug to me. I'll launder this and get it back to you as soon as I make it off the couch.

As long as you'll be around in some form or t'other...

my wv: bantr

63mago said...

Kwitt? Gargl ... the heart *clings left on thorax*

KEVIN JACKSON said...

losing you would be a 'cut' too far. I blame the coalition. For everything - why not?

Nota Bene said...

Before you decide one way or the other, perhaps we could add it to the refrendum question...that's May 5th so you'll have to keep quilling 'til then...

nick said...

I was surprised you weren't on the recent list of new peerages. Some mistake surely? I blame the coalition.

Scarlet Blue said...

This is just my wry plan to get to 50 comments on this post...
This attitude - definitely down to the coalition...
SX

I'm knackered.
Yesterday, I stood outside having a cup of tea and a cigarette. A blizzard featured.

63mago said...

Couldn't you leave this poor blizzard alone?

KEVIN JACKSON said...

yeah S, put that blizzard down, and no, I wasn't going to be the 51st.
Am I waiting for 80000 comments to hear from you again?
Just asking.

Fickle Cattle said...

I think the future princess is a beautiful lady. I hope the tabloids don't destroy her.

http://ficklecattle.blogspot.com/

Ponita in Real Life said...

Hang in there, Scarlet! The Blogosphere would be a sadder place without your presence. Just post whenever you feel the urge, comment when you can, and wander about to visit the rest of us. You know there will probably be something interesting at my place now and then, what with things heating up between myself and LHB! In fact, your list of what you need in a perfect man was the actual impetus for LHB to start his own blog. See the influence you have? Didn't know that, did you!? xoxo

Scarlet Blue said...

Thank you Ponita! I must say that the LHB seems like a charming gentleman and I will definitely be staying around for any impending nuptial invitations... plus I fancy wearing a hat.

Mr Mags and Mr Kevin... SNOW... and we were doing so well here in Devon... now I am distressed... the road to Waitrose is blocked.
I'll post when I get to 100...

HELLO AND WELCOME to Fickle Cattle... now there's a name to play with...

SXXX

I am engaged with a rather daunting project. Apologies for my absence. I will be back.

63mago said...

?

Scarlet Blue said...

*flies through on roller skates clutching a kipper...*
*drops kipper*
Sx

xl said...

I misread that as "drops knickers." Sorry.

French Fancy... said...

Kippers/knickers - all one and the same really

x

CyberPete said...

I know I won't end up paying, but I say good for Kate and William. Let them have their fantasy fairytale wedding.

Then you can send Harry over here and I'll marry him out of my own pocket.

Scarlet Blue said...

Mr XL: It's too cold to drop my knickers!

Ms French: Indeed... although I nearly burnt the house down when I put my knickers under the grill.

Pete: Harry is the handsome one... he doesn't look a bit like his Dad. Not that I'm insinuating anything.

Sx

CyberPete said...

Well apparently it's acceptable for horses and monkeys to bunk together.

I wouldn't want to hook up with either

KEVIN JACKSON said...

hewitt and knippers ... don't know where to think. griddled is best.
S me deario, (comment no.64 - only 36 to go - hope you glowing) ... light switch art is my favourite! I've a long short list of nominations for my 'most embarrassing moment in art gallery'. Best get out line is 'I say! How much?' It's downhill from there on, but you have to take the initiative.

Dave said...

I was waiting for 69, but it seems I'll have to make do with 65.

Scarlet Blue said...

Pete: It's an old English tradition, much love amongst the aristocracy.

Mr Kevin: You can understand my suspicians?!

Dave: I am coming in at no.65!
Strewth, I am busy.

Sx

Dave said...

Well, you shouldn't stay up all night listening to the cricket.

Wait a minute, what am I saying? Of course you should.

Dave said...

67

63mago said...

Is this a kind of countdown?

Dave said...

Yes!! 69 with Scarlet.

Scarlet Blue said...

I think it might be a countdown... but I'm not quite sure what we're counting to?

...Dave, Dave, Dave... it had to be you...
Sx

KEVIN JACKSON said...

DAVE ... y-you LURKER you ...
tush-tush I mean tut tut
*sniff*
It's a count UP but now past 69 I don't care no more

eroswings said...

Oh, a Royal Wedding! I'll bring around some cases of beer. We'll drink the cans dry and then tie them up to the back of the carriage with a Just Married sign!

63mago said...

But we need to have a traditional Junggesellenabend before the wedding, Eroswings: Drinking beer, singing naughty songs, smashing porcellaine - the last is a must.

Scarlet Blue said...

...steady lads... this post is accelerating to an unknown future...
Sx

BrightenedBoy said...

I'm a 22-year-old American college student, but the impending wedding of these two has left me weirdly excited.