Sunday, 17 October 2010
Each year, thousands of women from near and far, flock to a giant Cath Kidston kitchen warehouse [probably somewhere near Islington] to watch the passing on of the ceremonial Fairy Liquid bottle.
Over the years, generations of women have donned the seventies poodle perm, trussed themselves in starched white pinafores, and have washed up sinks full of cheap crockery in the hope that they would follow in the footsteps of the great Fairy fondlers of the past. There is no greater honour, for a woman, than to have the Fairy Liquid bottle bestowed upon her. If nothing else, it means that she will get to wear a nice frock on the telly and her daughter will be given a soft toy or a pretty doll.
To qualify as a Fairy Queen the contestant must be female. She must also have a pretty blond or brunette daughter [disguised gingers will be disqualified]; wear a piny, even on horseback; know the difference between Denby Arabesque and vintage Franciscan earthenware; be accustomed to wearing rubber on a daily basis without coming out in a rash; know the fundamentals of having a well stacked rack, and most importantly, be able to whistle the National anthem whilst flashing a minky.
Controversially, the hopeful finalists for 2010 were all members of the Womford-on-Terrace Washing Up Display Team. Their leader, Gloden Vantitty – an Icelandic beauty from Bournemouth - had won the iconic liquid bottle four times in the previous five years and had claimed that her success was down to an ancient scrubbing technique and absolutely nothing to do with intimate involvement with the seventeen gentlemen on the judging committee. Therefore, it came as no surprise when Nanette Newman [star of stage, screen, and many Fairy Liquid ads] announced that Miss Vantitty had yet again succeeded in winning the Fairy Queen crown and bottle sceptre.
All would have continued well for Gloden if it hadn’t been for Fanny Vantitty, a jealous relative, who salaciously revealed to a national newspaper that Gloden hardly ever bought Fairy. Photographic evidence revealed she’d been using a dishwasher for the last ten years and had a live-in maid called Tansy.
Gloden was relieved of her Fairy liquid bottle, it was clear to all that she was all washed up and no longer the star of this kitchen sink drama.