Thursday, 2 June 2011

Never Knowingly Undersold

Three years on and I am now officially closing the Scarlet Blue blog. This is my favourite in the series of Advert posts. I still ponder as to why grown women cry when viewing this advert.
Anyhow, God bless Scarlet-Blue and all who sailed with her!!!

There has been much controversy in the British press regarding the new John Lewis ad, which features actress/glamour model/author/Olympic gold medallist/circus performer/after dinner speaker/one time MP for Wigglesworth and Bendover, Fanny Mountjoy, who died earlier this year. Critics have accused John Lewis of focussing on the lesser aspects of Fanny’s endeavours and in the brief summation of her life they have failed to acknowledge Fanny’s greater achievements, specifically her much loved symphony in D minor, composed on the glockenspiel, entitled The Waitress.
Fanny’s family and friends have hit back arguing that this is how Fanny would like to have been remembered. For them Fanny will always be, first and foremost, a wife, mother, mistress and home-maker; as well as a sister; an aunt; a niece; a cousin; a god-daughter; a god-mother; a grandmother; and when occasion demanded, an uncle.
Critics have countered that John Lewis has undermined Fanny’s memory in the public psyche and have been grossly irresponsible to broadcast such a reduced and sentimental account of Fanny’s life.
Fanny’s family and friends have replied claiming that her family life was more significant than her groundbreaking thesis on high wire acrobatics and aerial fire eating, which led to her being nominated for a Nobel prize in chemistry.
Critics have gone on to suggest that family and friends wish to play down some of Fanny’s more dubious activities, such as the night she reportedly spent with naked activists in Cunliffe Square demonstrating over the demolition of Squirts ice cream parlour, an iconic building in Wigglesworth.
Family and friends [namely Claude Wood – third cousin, twice removed] have scoffed at this suggestion saying that her involvement was greatly overplayed and she was merely a bystander, albeit a naked bystander with an ice cream cone and a crumbly flake. Claude claims that it was a very warm evening.
Critics are now meeting to decide their next move whilst friends and family have adjourned to their comfortable living rooms to await further developments and to catch up with Britain’s Got Talent.
And so, dear reader [I’ve always wanted to write that – it makes me sound like I’m a proper blogger], have John Lewis knowingly undersold Fanny Mountjoy? I’ll leave it to you to decide.

Friday, 20 May 2011

Escape To The Country

Knotting-May-Back-Passage, to be found up-wind of Pratt's Bottom, is a tight knit prosperous community where the eccentricities of the rich and illustrious often go unreported to the wider world, or to the appropriate planning authorities. Indeed, this small rural hamlet has become something of a safe-haven for spendthrift entrepreneurs and reckless millionaires.
For example the activities of newcomer Richard Etherington-Wilson went largely unnoticed for such a length of time that he managed to block pave 17 acres of arable farmland before a concerned dog walker raised the alarm. Mr Etherington-Wilson, originally an Estate Agent/Mortgage Consultant/Property Developer/Pension Schemer/all-round banker had been drawn to the rural idyll after attaining a certificate of commendation in rustic handicrafts during a weekend workshop in Wales. Unfortunately, such was his enthusiasm for living the dream and dry stone walling, that before moving to Dumpling Dipsticks [a Gothic inspired neo-classical thatched Georgian villa] he failed to take his pathological fear of darkness into consideration. Mr Etherington-Wilson was arrested recently, but later baled, after he was found to be responsible for lighting up the skies with 3,000 energy saving light bulbs festooned across ancient woodland within his extensive gardens; his nocturnal illuminations had proved to be something of a hazard for pilots trying to land light aircraft at a nearby private airstrip.
Richard Etherington-Wilson was thought to have been in hiding since this latest incident, but speculation down at The Dog and Duck has been rife with the idea that the sat-nav system on his ride on mower malfunctioned; some local residents swear blind that they've seen him mowing his way through the Knotting-May butterfly sanctuary, some 5 miles in distance from his 25 acre landscaped gardens at Dumpling Dipsticks....



This is for you.

Saturday, 14 May 2011

Blogging News

Before I was rudely interrupted by Blogger going into a tail-spin, I was writing this:

Just a very quick heads up; Rog over at Norfolk 'n Good is cycling 175 miles next week across the Pennines on "The Way of the Roses" and is seeking sponsorship in aid of Ovarian Cancer Action in memory of our much missed Blogger heroine Kaz. To donate, please go HERE

And, poor ol' Macy [not so ol'] has had a heart attack; she is recovering but gifts of grapes and cucumbers will be much appreciated.

I posted this on my emergency Wordpress blog the other day, but thought it was worth putting up here as well. I am feeling sore plummed after all the Wordpress faffing - though the upside of this is that my avatar now appears on all Wordpress blogs - not quite sure how I managed that... anyhow, I am still in the process of relieving Mr Beastie of his knickers... but lo', what is this... it looks like someone has been up his back passage before me....

Click to make big

Naughty Miss Roses has been there before me...

Right, I'm liking this tune so I'm going to listen to it...

Thursday, 5 May 2011

My Bird Bath

Been a bit of a busy week what with one thing or another [THE wedding and the shooting of Bin Laden] and I have been very neglectful of this blog... I still have no remarkable insights to post here... I have been doing a fair bit of calligraphy and I've also been taking my clothes off for MJ for her gorgeous gams competition...

I was aiming for this... [thank you MR XL for the pic...]

...but I sank...

Anyhow, I am now taking a blogging break. The next time I post here I will have these!!!!

Oh yes I will!!!

***mad witch pantomime cackle***

Wednesday, 20 April 2011

How Do You Do It?

Apologies, I have been unwell for a week, but feeling better now. Apparently it's Easter this weekend, which means it's the annual Crème Egg Festival at chez Blue. This is a private occasion, but this brief clip should give you a clue as to what will be going on.

Yes, that's right, I have abandoned reading Tarot cards in favour of reading crème. If you would like a fresh crème reading then please put your name on the list.
Thank you. And Happy Easter!!!

P.S I will be busy next week as I have a wedding to attend.

Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Lucky You

Due to the sluggish financial market the Halifax staff have little to do. They are under strict instruction to only authorise two mortgages this year and can only lend to people who don’t need loans*. The financial advisers have all been made redundant and now the entire business is propped up by the canteen staff who have diversified by setting up a radio station in the basement of an NCP car park in Buttocks Booth just off Lumbertubs Lane. They broadcast daily, via telegraphic transfer, to five mountain goats on a farm in Southwold, Suffolk.
Scottish widow Sandy and Co-operative Carol provide the morning entertainment with a breakfast show. They are a tight team; they have a mutual interest in investing extra digits in their hedge funds and have bonded over unit banking. Alas, they are so enamoured by one another that they have failed to notice the potential threat of a hostile takeover bid from tea boy, Derek. He has coveted their breakfast slot from afar and, in an effort to remove the women from the helm, he has sabotaged Sandy’s liquid assets. He completes the arm’s length transaction by passing Sandy her mug. The mug handle breaks causing hot tea to spill across the mixing desk. Carol and Sandy are unfazed by life’s little dramas. They have each other and therefore the accelerated depreciation is negligible. They smile sweetly and, still laughing, still singing from the same spreadsheet, they tell Derek that life is better with a beaver.

*Many thanks to Pat and her recent Bob Hope quote.

Friday, 8 April 2011

Your Comment Counts!!

The other day, whilst perusing my blog stats, I found a brand monitoring company [Visible Technologies] viewing my recent post about Waitrose. In a nutshell companies such as Waitrose, Tesco's et al will employ a company such as Visible Technologies to monitor social networking sites to find out what we really think about them so that they can suss out how to sell more stuff to us.
Right now there is a team of bright young things analysing the comments you made on my previous post and thinking of ways to implement your suggestions. If they take your comments seriously, which I'm sure they will, we can expect to see Speedy Weeny machines installed within shopping centres the length and breadth of Britain; Heston Blumenthal and Delia Smith playing with Zulus and inventing new ways with yogurt and cucumber; a pick your own section in a Sainsbury's sponsored strawberry field; shopping trolleys with no wheels and, aisles dedicated to blind dates with large melons.
So if there is anything else you would like from your shopping experience then feel free to write your demands in my comment box. You are being watched!

Monday, 4 April 2011

My Aunt has left all her passwords on her memory stick!!!! HA HA HA!!!! And I have changed them all so there's nothing she can do!!!! Everyone in the family thinks she is weird cos she makes weird stuff and makes handmade christmas cards that are rubbish. Even her secret files are rubbish and boring but I will load them anyway.

Initially my experiments with bottling were explosive, shards of flying glass would become precariously lodged in the kitchen ceiling. The process was long, arduous & dangerous in the extreme. There were times when I would hold my head in my hands believing the project to be doomed to failure. Then one day: ‘Eureka!’, I discovered an ancient technique that made the process almost foolproof; I have only electrocuted myself three times since.
During this period I was supported by close friends & family who visited me more often than usual, they too were fascinated by the process of bottling. For example close friend Jules ably supplied me with an endless supply of empty bottles; her dedication & contribution to this project cannot be overemphasized, she is a legend in her own lifetime . . . albeit a tad incoherent . . . & wobbly on her pins . . .
Now that I was technically adept at bottling I could at last focus my energies on artistic creativity; I retreated to my purpose built garret at the bottom of the garden & awaited inspiration. Crawling through the back passage of my emotions I re-experienced hideous moments of my life that are probably best forgotten. It was a long painful journey, not without misgivings, but I was determined to suffer for my art, if I had to lie on a bed of nails & walk bare foot over burning coals, then so be it. Finally, when the sun was parallel to Pluto & Uranus was rising, my work was done.
Ten bottled feelings stood before me & I was a shadow of my former self . . . .

‘Viridian Venus’ is a small local gallery run by Moonchild Etherington -Smythe, who in her own words is a ‘Visionary Artist’, to quote further, her works are ‘a product of innate personal vision’. In Moonchild’s case, these visions manifest themselves as childlike impressions of angels. Appearing well-groomed at all times, she strikes the perfect balance between ethnic charm & middle England authority.
Moonchild was not overly keen on my bottles, she exclaimed that my soul was barren, that it was imperative that I release my bottled feelings immediately if I was to ever re-connect with my inner child. All I needed to do was sign up for one of her Visionary Workshops, it would only cost £150.00 & she would teach me to express the sound of a vacuum cleaner through the medium of paint.
I declined, I left her gallery leaving her to re-arrange her crystals; I was worried, confused, slightly disturbed whilst at the same time seriously impressed by her visionary commercial sense.

Sunday, 3 April 2011

Blog Hijack!!!!_&?*

I have fpoud my auntys phone!!!! And her memory stick in her handbag!!!__
She is ginger and she is a cow!!!! I will start uploading her secret files 2morrow!!! Ha ha ha!!!!
C'ya!!!! LOL!!!

Monday, 28 March 2011

Stuck on Question 17.... [Census Queries] this a trick question?

I was thinking of putting my blog address in this box.

Any other ideas are most welcome.

Sunday, 27 March 2011

For Kaz

December 16th 2008

My back door is being fitted tomorrow so I will be indisposed. This entrance area has been causing problems for some time now, [causing a bit of a draught] and now a very nice carpenter friend is finally coming to sort me out. He asked me earlier today whether I would like a handle or a ribbed knob. He recomended ribbed so that if my hands are slippery I'll still be able to get a good grip.
Anyhow he is a friendly cheerful chap who seems to know what he's doing and he enjoys dunking gingernuts. When he has finished in the back passage he has promised to work on my front door; he's going to stop it from sticking and he's going to polish my knockers.
Meanwhile, I am helping out with a project to reintroduce beavers into the English countryside. I heard about it on Jeremy Vine radio show yesterday afternoon and it caught my imagination . . .
Here is a short film clip to inform . . .

KAZ said...

Hey Scarlet - I just heard you are to be awarded a special award for the most double entendres in one post.
Congratulations daaahling..
And thankyou for telling us about the 'pain-relieving properties of the beaver's anal gland secretions'.

I think she liked this one.

And finally, Kaz said: Enjoy life.

Saturday, 19 March 2011

Off My Trolley


Having spent over an hour this morning trying to shop online using the newly upgraded Waitrose site, I thought I'd drop you a line to tell you about the problems I encountered.
Common sense suggested that all I had to do was tick the select boxes on my product list and then click the 'add to trolley' button, but alas when I did this only two of my selected products were added, in this instance, 4.5kg of new potatoes and a cucumber. Heston Blumenthal and Delia Smith may be able to survive on such meagre rations, but I am a mere mortal with limited cooking ability. It would be true to say that I do have a fondness for a fulsome cucumber, but quite frankly I'd prefer a bit of meat with my two veg.
Anyhow, I repeated this exercise numerous times, on Mozilla and Internet Explorer [it sometimes makes a difference], but kept getting a pop-up box telling me to select items.... which is what I thought I had been doing....
To cut a tedious story short, I found that the only way I could fill my trolley with more than 4.5kg of new potatoes and a cucumber was to add each item individually, which took about 2 minutes per product, thus making the suggested weekly diet of potato and cucumber relatively appealing.

I look forward to your speedy reply,


Ms S. Blue

Apologies to my bloggy friends; I am feeling a little under the weather, but will be back in full force by Monday.

Sunday, 13 March 2011

Kinky Boots

My birthday is now all done and dusted and Dave has instructed me to move on... so move on I shall.
Miss Norma is currently paying homage to Honor Blackman, whilst Roses is paying homage to her fab new boots. So what could be more appropriate than this short clip for a Sunday morning....

And remember, 20 million women are wearing kinky boots, right now. Pity then, that they couldn't find any to appear in the video.

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

It's my Birthday!!!!

...and that means I can be self indulgent. Later I will be eating cake, but first, here is my current favourite advert.

...the butter cream and fat in the cake will smooth out my wrinkles. If I had any. Okay, I fib... but if I look at myself all squinty in the mirror, then I look jolly good [I'd look bloody good if I was 64]... even better if I dim the lights...

Sunday, 6 March 2011

Meanwhile.... is coming in from far and wide regarding the errant missing comment : "Please can you make it wear big pants. And a knitting pattern would be nice."
First off it found it's way into a comment from Miss Norma on Infomaniac.
It quickly spread around the blogosphere and was next seen loitering in 2005 on Wendy's blog, HERE.
But the most disturbing news is from Mr XL who claims to have seen the comment on the telly, and he sent me this evidence:

Who knows where this will end... I now have a disturbing vision of the missing comment blurting itself out on Question Time, making the headlines in the Financial Times and embarrassing me even further...

LATEST NEWS: Another sighting has just come in from MJ

It appears that the comment has well and truly escaped the internet. It has mutated and is spreading across the globe...

Oh crikey....

Latest Update 7th March - just in from Princess...

Who says: I have found your missing comment lurking in my fabric stash....
The poor little thing was curled up looking rather exhausted from a long journey
What would you like me to do with it now?

And this picture from Mr Auty...

...who says of the comment: It's taken up diplomacy at the highest levels.
Let's just hope that the comment never meets Prince Andrew...

FINAL UPDATE: Last two then, as I think it's time to move on to new posts and comments [missing or otherwise]. Dave has spotted the missing comment making itself at home here...

...and finally, the comment has now been made into a film - as spotted by MJ....

Nick has all the insider gossip on this and has dropped hints that Victoria Wood and Penelope Wilton are starring, whilst Bill Nighy merely features, which is a shame cos I like Bill Nighy...

Thursday, 3 March 2011

Going Live!!!

Believe it or not I have been busy over the past couple of months. And here is the fruit of my labour: My new website!!! I am a little bit anxious about linking here, but would be grateful for feedback regarding how it loads and shows on your computers. I haven't a clue what it looks like on an Applemac - it might go plop for all I know. Do the pictures take too long to load?

Is anybody getting married soon or having a fab dinner party? Just asking....

Wednesday, 23 February 2011


Earlier today I wrote the following comment: "Please can you make it wear big pants. And a knitting pattern would be nice."

This comment did not end up in the place where I intended it to be. If you see this comment, don't be alarmed, it is not dangerous, but I would be grateful if you could refer me to its location. Thank you.

Meanwhile, I am postless and stressed about World events. When I watch the news I feel like the World is disintegrating around me. Things don't seem to tie up at the moment. One minute I am being shown images of people being shot at because they are trying to overthrow a dictatorship government, and the next minute a voice over is trying to encourage me to put my feet up and buy a sofa from DFS. I am not comfortable with this.
I have had one experience of a bomb blast - London 1992 - I wasn't there when it went off - had I been sitting in my office then I would have been killed. I would be dead. An enormous shard of glass ended up embedded in my office swival chair; the clear message being that I shouldn't spend my life sitting on my arse.
Anyhow, apologies for any wayward comments that you find in your comment box and apologies for this disjointed post. Here is a tune to distract you from current events.
Boo. Hiss. Sony won't let me embed. HERE is the tune. I have played it before, but it is nicely distracting. For US and Canada, try the Youtube that is embedded HERE. This might work?

Friday, 18 February 2011

Va Va Voom

Sigh. I still miss Nicole and Papa. Life was less complicated back then... so anyhow, where was I... Yes, Va Va Voom - Do you have it? Does it spill out of your cutlery drawers? Does it propel you through life like a force of nature? Is it pink? Is it turquoise? Do my wellies have it? Should I go back to writing poetry? Is Renault using sex to sell a heap of metal that is simply supposed to transport you from A to B? Does it work? Would you rather not think about these questions now and just look at the pretty pictures? Would Dave prefer to watch this version...

Is it lunchtime yet? Shall I have toast? Shall I shut up now?

Monday, 14 February 2011

Ancient Vermilion Valentine Greetings

Shall I compare thee to a changeable afternoon in June?
Thou art bad tempered, moody, but thou oft make me laugh:
You may have wind sommat rotten and sad elasticated pants,
And that afternoon that doth flashed by a bit quick:
Sometimes you get blinky in the eye and you miss it,
And oft' it gets tiresome and over dramatic;
And every country fair has a beer tent,
By chance a brisk breeze showing nature's bush untrimm'd:
But thy changeable afternoon in June shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that wobbly chin and come hither expression;
Nor shall Death wander off and brag about nicking your bling,
When in eternal lines deeply scratched on a tree:

So long as forests are protected, and there are opticians and designer glasses,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

Monday, 7 February 2011

Ding Dong . . .

Recently I have been wallowing in blogging nostalgia. Nostalgia can sometimes be overwhelming. But anyhow, whatever... here is one of my elderly posts, originally posted here without the accompanying Youtube, as back then I didn't know how to embed.

I've been quite taken with the new perfume ad from Avon - Avon U by Ungaro. It features Avon Global Ambassador, Reese Witherspoon, looking stunning in a sheath of peach satin. She takes an old fashioned elevator (like the one in Fatal Attraction - where Glenn Close has her way with Micheal Douglas) up to the roof-top of a very tall building. It's dark and a little too breezy because her hair is getting all messed up (she should have gone to L'Oreal). Here she is joined by a tall dark attractive man in a dinner jacket, looking nonchalantly shaken but not too stirred. Perhaps he has lost a mint in the neighbouring Casino because his bow tie is hanging loosely around his collar; or perhaps he has a box of Milk Tray stuffed down his trousers, he is that type of guy. As the couple look longingly at each other a voice over cuts across the scene and says: 'What happens next is up to U to decide' . . . . Well obviously the Cactus Kid turns up with his underage pregnant girlfriend and he shares out bottles of 'Oasis' before they all fly off in a passing helicopter. Several years later they crash land into the penultimate episode of 'Lost' where they swap partners at least four times, have six children, one porcupine and an African Violet between them. On day 3,046 they are all evicted but still manage to live happily ever after, thanks to the exclusive magazine deals with 'Hello', 'OK', 'Gardener's World' and 'The People's Friend'. Then a nice Avon lady rings my doorbell, I let her in and she sells me a pink heart shaped 'Soap-on-a-Rope' . . .

I need to get out more.

Of course, this post made more sense in 2008 when I'd become fixated by the loathsome 'Oasis' adverts. Ever since writing this post I have searched in vain for the VW Casino man advert. Today I found it.

Saturday, 5 February 2011

More Fun and Entertainment - Infomaniac Edition

This is the third in a series of eagerly awaited and incredibly popular Tarot reading posts.

Legal Niceties:
Please remember that these readings are for fun and entertainment purposes only etc, etc... It is also worth noting that your home is at risk if you do not keep up repayments on a mortgage etc, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah...

As promised, this reading is for Mistress MJ and it promises to be something a bit special.
Before choosing her cards, I must first engage with her avatar... apologies MJ, this may make you sneeze...

Right, deep breath, here we go...

PAST: I will gloss over the various baking incidents, generally you are a gentle individual who is kind to old ladies and you have a fascination with squirrels. One unfortunate incident with an over filled icing bag should not be held against you; okay, so it may have taken your Aunt 3 hours to explain the situation to the arresting officer, and five hours for the surgeon to remove the nozzle from a sensitive region, but never mind, these things happen.

And let's face it, you redeemed yourself when you started knitting sweaters for penguins.
Instead I will focus on the strong images that the cards are giving me.
I see a man. Actually I see lots of men, most of them are senior and they are nekkid. But there is one man who stands out from the rest.


I see a dark haired man in a position of authority. He has been a highly influential figure in your life. He is connected to you being stunningly successful in your career... I see glamour... I see the Canadian curling team.... I see chocolate hob-nobs... I see nekkid old men again.... Anyhow... at some point in your past you learnt a harsh lesson, which was not to put ambition before your own emotional needs.

PRESENT: A huge dollop of luck is making itself manifest. Quite frankly, right now you can do no wrong and you are benefiting from being generous to others. You are now in a very harmonious place in your life.

But this harmony has been found through struggle and perhaps there has been a loss?

Future: Steady yourself for conflict... love perhaps. Your inner instincts must be handled firmly, but they must not be ignored or repressed. Out of this conflict you will emerge stronger. But this could also mean that you are in pursuit of a love object... someone has something that you believe belongs to somebody else. I can see you battling through a jungle of tropical delights; being thrown into confusion by a funhouse mirror and almost being thwarted by a gathered thong [boil washed and very grey]. I see you on a roadtrip....

...teaming up with a very attractive blonde lady and together you will reclaim what rightfully belongs to me her....

I am exhausted and the visions are fading....

Monday, 31 January 2011

Mayhem in the Comment Box

Apparently my Blogger security staff have been a little over zealous of late and have been blocking people from my comment box. I don't know what Madame Defarge did to upset them, perhaps it was her entourage of huskies, I don't know, but I have had a word, redesigned my comment box and all seems to be well again.
Admittedly I have also had trouble gaining access to comment boxes... I have to flash my security pass [and sometimes my knickers] several times at Joey's and my cursor has to stay outside at Fairyhedgehog's.
And at a recent blog... I was blocked... thrown out... not allowed to enter at all... which quite frankly, hurt a bit [nobody on my blogroll... and I'm not naming names].
Anyhow, the problem seems to be with embedded comment boxes... so I have switched to a full page spread.
Other blogging news.... Mitzi has discovered my secret life as a plumber's mate; trust me, my Essex flange is far superior to the Surrey flange and I can do wonders with a two hole mixer tap whilst expanding a vent pipe... but nonetheless, these revelations are all very disturbing....

Whatever.... time for a tune for a foot tapping start to the week.

***Coming next... MJ's Tarot reading***

Tuesday, 25 January 2011

The Sniff of Danger

Yesterday I was banjaxed at the beauty counter by the perfume lady who drenched me in the acrid scent of Sentir Un Peu Ordures. It's the new perfume from the House of Idoles écran et Non-entités, but I don't recommend it. It reeks.
Anyhow, it is taking me a while to wash it off, so I am away to the little known salt baths of Milton Keynes for a good scrubbing and some gentle rehabilitation and maybe a little light leech therapy...

I will be back, refreshed,but possibly with a little less blood...

Exit pursued by a penguin with his cockles on a tray....

Friday, 21 January 2011

For Fun and Entertainment Purposes Only

This is the second in a series of eagerly awaited and incredibly popular Tarot reading posts.

Legal Niceties:
Please remember that these readings are for fun and entertainment purposes only and should not be taken at all seriously because I am not psychic and cannot foresee the future. It is also worth noting that your home is at risk if you do not keep up repayments on a mortgage or other loan secured on it.

Firstly an update on my first eagerly awaited and incredibly popular Tarot reading post which featured Mr XL and ably demonstrates my startling abilities.
Incredibly I accurately ascertained that Mr XL is a frustrated restless redhead.
I then predicted that he would soon visit Australia. And He did!!!
Finally I predicted that he would throw caution to the wind and do something daring. He did!!!
Read this!!!
Anyhow, I think it is now time to update Mr XL’s future and discover what 2011 has in store...
Now Keep still Mr XL whilst I stroke your avatar, gently press my nose against it and give it a good nuzzle....

Apologies for the slight tingle...
Mr XL, the Tarot is telling me that you must ignore mischievous fortune cookies, as they speak nonsense... you must stick to well dunked gingernuts in future as they are kinder to your teeth.... and be careful with your teeth this year, as there could be some danger in the form of a heavily seeded bap or a crusty topped bloomer.
The Tarot is also telling me that you are feeling vulnerable and that you are having a bit of an identity crisis. You are smarting and dwelling on previous hurts. But do not worry, very soon everything will become clear as you are about to venture on a voyage of self discovery and you will again learn to value yourself. I also spy the birth of a new relationship... or a renewal of faith... there are definitely gentle stirrings of new beginnings... you are advised to take things slowly and to feed yourself with pleasure [good heavens!] and you must nurture yourself [the well dunked gingernuts will help you to do this], and treat yourself kindly. This self indulgence... although it may feel selfish... will lead you to the place you need to be. I hope this helps.

If there is anyone else who would like an insightful reading then please make a request in the comment box below.
Thank you... I am now psychically exhausted and need to rest....

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

Be a Shade Braver

Wendy Woods Woodall is the headmistress, pottery teacher, and dinner lady at the highly regarded Woods Woodall school of seduction tips and trickery. Women of all ages come to her desperate to learn ancient seduction skills such as elegant butter craft, wood turning, and aerobic deportment with a fireman's pole.
To graduate with flying colours every student has to demonstrate a thorough knowledge of all she has learnt during the 24 hour intensive course [only £1,060 if you sign up before January 18th]. To do this the students have to perform the notorious, and technically challenging, walk of seduction across a variety of complex surfaces, the finale being an artful performance on a shag pile rug.
Trisha is the last student down the runway, she is nervous as Wendy and her full time companion, Jennifer Johnson - an optician from Barnstaple, are in critical mood. One girl has already left sobbing after losing her balance on the Cotswold cobbles.
Trisha is poised and begins her walk. The red carpet is a doddle and the cobbles: outmanoeuvred on tip-toe, but as she reaches the shag pile she knows that something is wrong. Wendy is screwing up her nose as though Jennifer has just sprayed her cleavage with eau de scorn. Trisha panics. What has she done wrong? Her skirt is well above her thighs, her knickers - just below her knees... Then, Trisha, feeling a shade braver, removes the elastic band from her hair, shrugs her jumper from her shoulder and flashes her strapline: a small change to your hair can make a big change to your head. Headmistress Wendy beams a smile and Trisha graduates for being Nice 'n Easy.

Thursday, 6 January 2011

Tip Of The Day

Some years back we were all encouraged to go to work on an egg. Personally I prefer to start the day on a banana; it keeps me perky from dawn 'til dusk so I always keep my fruit bowl well stocked and happy.

However, be warned, if you drop any on your sheets or clothing then mop it off with a warm damp cloth to prevent unsightly staining.

Sunday, 2 January 2011

A Proper New Year Post

I spent New Year's Eve up Mr Beastie's back passage, it was be-crammed with fellow revellers and smelt only slightly of banana puree. I think it had been cleaned for the occasion.
The back passage is of course attached to the delightful Cafe C. To be honest I don't really remember an awful lot about it. I have some strange abstract photos on my ancient Nokia, such as this:

...and this may be upside down... who's to know?
I met the gorgeous Mavis/Frobisher... who seemed amazed at the remarkable resemblance I bear to my avatar... and I met the charming Mr C [he is wonderful, how he puts up with Mr Beastie's nonsense, I do not know] and the lovely James, who both looked after me for the evening and made me feel like a minor celebrity. I had tried to sneak in incognito by wearing my over sized gabardine mac and Jackie O sunglasses, but I think my large entourage might have given me away. Anyhow, the champagne was soon flowing... interspersed with rounds of shots that I now find very difficult to describe - I have a vague recollection of something creamy in a very small plastic cup. Quite frankly, I have no idea what went down my throat that night, whatever it was it was it must have worked because I have only just sobered up.
I do have a blurry recollection of a belly dancer trying to lure me on to the dance floor... and I heard Mavis singing.... but it is all a bit of a haze... and I don't actually remember midnight.... I possibly sampled Mr Beastie's nibbles.... who's to know? As Mr Beastie himself quite rightly puts it: Loose Lips Sink Ships.

To all at Cafe C - a very big thank you for spoiling me something rotten and for giving me a wonderful New Year's Eve [I just wish I could remember more about it!] And....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! everyone who has stumbled and stumbles across me.

NB. Plans for the recovery of the Freaking Green Elf Shorts will soon be underway... more news to follow...  

Saturday, 1 January 2011