Wednesday, 12 January 2011
Be a Shade Braver
Wendy Woods Woodall is the headmistress, pottery teacher, and dinner lady at the highly regarded Woods Woodall school of seduction tips and trickery. Women of all ages come to her desperate to learn ancient seduction skills such as elegant butter craft, wood turning, and aerobic deportment with a fireman's pole.
To graduate with flying colours every student has to demonstrate a thorough knowledge of all she has learnt during the 24 hour intensive course [only £1,060 if you sign up before January 18th]. To do this the students have to perform the notorious, and technically challenging, walk of seduction across a variety of complex surfaces, the finale being an artful performance on a shag pile rug.
Trisha is the last student down the runway, she is nervous as Wendy and her full time companion, Jennifer Johnson - an optician from Barnstaple, are in critical mood. One girl has already left sobbing after losing her balance on the Cotswold cobbles.
Trisha is poised and begins her walk. The red carpet is a doddle and the cobbles: outmanoeuvred on tip-toe, but as she reaches the shag pile she knows that something is wrong. Wendy is screwing up her nose as though Jennifer has just sprayed her cleavage with eau de scorn. Trisha panics. What has she done wrong? Her skirt is well above her thighs, her knickers - just below her knees... Then, Trisha, feeling a shade braver, removes the elastic band from her hair, shrugs her jumper from her shoulder and flashes her strapline: a small change to your hair can make a big change to your head. Headmistress Wendy beams a smile and Trisha graduates for being Nice 'n Easy.