Wednesday, 12 January 2011

Be a Shade Braver



Wendy Woods Woodall is the headmistress, pottery teacher, and dinner lady at the highly regarded Woods Woodall school of seduction tips and trickery. Women of all ages come to her desperate to learn ancient seduction skills such as elegant butter craft, wood turning, and aerobic deportment with a fireman's pole.
To graduate with flying colours every student has to demonstrate a thorough knowledge of all she has learnt during the 24 hour intensive course [only £1,060 if you sign up before January 18th]. To do this the students have to perform the notorious, and technically challenging, walk of seduction across a variety of complex surfaces, the finale being an artful performance on a shag pile rug.
Trisha is the last student down the runway, she is nervous as Wendy and her full time companion, Jennifer Johnson - an optician from Barnstaple, are in critical mood. One girl has already left sobbing after losing her balance on the Cotswold cobbles.
Trisha is poised and begins her walk. The red carpet is a doddle and the cobbles: outmanoeuvred on tip-toe, but as she reaches the shag pile she knows that something is wrong. Wendy is screwing up her nose as though Jennifer has just sprayed her cleavage with eau de scorn. Trisha panics. What has she done wrong? Her skirt is well above her thighs, her knickers - just below her knees... Then, Trisha, feeling a shade braver, removes the elastic band from her hair, shrugs her jumper from her shoulder and flashes her strapline: a small change to your hair can make a big change to your head. Headmistress Wendy beams a smile and Trisha graduates for being Nice 'n Easy.

45 comments:

xl said...

I would like to meet someone Nice 'n Easy! Actually, I would also settle for Easy!

savannah said...

i will never look at commercials the same way again, sugar! xoxox


Oh Hai, xl!

Macy said...

She cheated!! She's definitely holding a large Gin and Orange at the start of that clip!

Who doesn't become Nice'n Easy after one of those?

Scarlet Blue said...

Mr XL: Poor Nice.. if only she'd undo her top button.

Savvy: Indeed, they should be studied meticulously.

Macy: But then again it's never wise to sit an exam without a gin and orange. And she probably got extra marks for initiative.

Sx

Going in for my tea now.

Lulu LaBonne said...

So many things that I'd like to be nice n easy - getting an exam room that served gin and orange for example.
xxx

Zig said...

thin bra strap = limited chest, is this relevant at all?

Dave said...

Ah, those happy days when I held my pony tail in an elastic band.

No, really.

Happy Frog and I said...

I adore your posts such as this which deconstruct adverts. Another magnificent triumph! When I'm using Nice 'n Easy in the future I shall always think of this post as the ammonia conjures up hallucinations and I shall know that I will graduate with colours that are flying! :-)

wendy house said...

Cotswold cobbles, complex surfaces for sure, manys the time I've lost control of a slacking-shoelace because of a cunning curce on a cotswold cobble! I LOVE your alternative storylines.

Ponita in Real Life said...

I'd fail at being Nice n Easy... no thin bra straps here (@Zig: not limited). And my hair is short... can't shake my locks seductively at all.

I shall have to think of other ways to be nice n easy then.

kyknoord said...

Shag pile? We used to call it a scrum when I was a lad.

Chairman Bill said...

I was artfully undressing t'other day in the bedroom of the caravan and felt something fall out of my arse - it was the washing label of my jim-jam bottoms, which had become trapped in my cleft.

Obviously I need lessons in deportment.

Roses said...

Ah, she is all I aspire to be. Unfortunately, I can't abide gin.

I'll just console myself with being easy.

Eryl said...

It isn't at all easy to negotiate shag pile with your knickers below your knees, and too much orange in your gin doesn't help: Trisha obviously got the balance just right, she'll go far. X

Sausage Fingers said...

Who is the lucky fireman?

nick said...

I'm far too excited by the thought of visible bra straps to compose a coherent comment. I think I shall go and have a little lie-down.

Pat said...

I've tried shaking my barnet and nothing happens. I could, of course, trip over the shag pile (and frequently do)to the manner born.

The Unbearable Banishment said...

I've not dated *that* Tricia but I've gone out with quite a few Tricias. They're obsessed with mirrors and they're terrible in bed. But just TRY to keep your hand off. You can't!

WV: prucker!

BEAST said...

Is that 'Windy' Wendy , she has come on a bit from her early days as a brussel sprout picker in Penge.

Scarlet Blue said...

Blogger ate my replies again!!!

Lulu: It's best to keep your gin and orange in a tiny fask in your pencil case.

Zig: Indeed, neither the bra strap or the bra seem to be necessary.

Dave: You see! This is why you are bald! Elastic bands play havoc with your folicles.

Sx

eroswings said...

Thank goodness for people like Wendy and her students! They keep the fireman pole factory workers employed! Nice and Easy...it's what keeps the economy going!

Scarlet Blue said...

Happy froggy: You are lucky! I have never had a successful home colouring experience, hence I always go to the salon... else I'd end up ginger...

Wendy: Even with sturdy leather walking boots a Cotswold cobble can nobble your efforts.

Ponita: At least you have boobs... some of us have to work our shoulders... and my hair is short... from head to toe.

Mr Kinky: I hope all your scrums were performed artfully?

Mr Chairman: Ha ha! I have done this too... I went out with the washing label stuck to my cleavage.

Roses: And you are very nice, too.
I think red wine would work just as well... or vodka...

Eryl: Some might suggest that having your knickers below your knees is the only way to negotiate a shag pile [see Mr Kinky]. But I am not that sort of girl.

Mr Sausage: I have some applications in my inbox and will be choosing later today.

Nick: Have a gin and orange before you go... It'll calm you down. And free your inhibitions.

Pat: No, not a lot happens when I shake my head... other than a loosening of ear wax...

Mr Banish: Goodness, I don't know any Tricias....
Are there any Tricias out there who would like to reply to Mr Banish???

Mr Beastie: Yes! It is! She worked in a pickle factory after Penge... and then gave it all up to resume her education. In 1975 she wrote a thesis: The influence of fermentation and pasteurization on the texture of cucumber pickles. She has never looked back and is now an advisor to David Cameron.

Sx

Scarlet Blue said...

Mr Swings: Being Nice 'n Easy certainly oils the nuts and bolts of many industries. And long may that continue.

Sx

Whirlochre said...

Bra strap? I thought it was a scar from a love/hate relationship with an axe-wielding ex-boyfriend.

Nice to see you've started 2011 on top form...

tony said...

The Devil Is In The Detail.....

Dave said...

I am not bald! (In the same way that you are not ginger). I just wear my hair short these days.

Scarlet Blue said...

Mr Whirly: I thought it was her pet caterpillar... she could have at least had scarlet satin straps... the one she's flashing looks like brushed nylon.

Tony: And I like exposing the devil...

Dave: I AM NOT GINGER... just a bit golden...

Sx

Dave said...

I think I shall need to have a look at your roots.

Scarlet Blue said...

Dave: Please don't, they are hideous and haven't been done since the end of November.
They are a chilling colour... if that shade can be called a colour...
Sx

Mitzi said...

I'm a natural tortoiseshell and prone to shag pile carpet burns especially after a few gin and oranges.

LL Cool Joe said...

What cracks me up is that she's considered brave. She's about the dullest looking woman I've seen for a long time. She looks like they put in an outfit from the sale rack from BHS. And showing a bit of bra ain't gonna change that.

Homo Escapeons said...

Frankie says don't do it..
"Doesn't like crap games with barons and earls
Won't go to Harlem in ermine and pearls
Won't dish the dirt with the rest of the girls
That's why the lady is a tramp
She likes the free, fresh wind in her hair
Life without care
She's broke--and it's "oke"
Hates California, it's cold and it's damp
That's why the lady is a tramp"
Sinatra

Scarlet Blue said...

Mitzi: Shhh... I have a strange badger effect going on and need to make an appointment with my colourist. There are worse things than ginger... or tortoiseshell.

Mr Cool: I know... she may as well be pushing a trolley around Tesco's for all the glamour that's going on.

Mr Coppens: She sounds pretty oity toity if you ask me... I'd wear my pearls anywhere... and often do.

Sx

Pearl said...

Very funny!

Pearl

Scarlet Blue said...

Pearl: Hello and Welcome! [Although technically we are not strangers!]
Thank you!
Sx

nick said...

The ultimate Woods Woodall test is of course walking elegantly in six inch heels across a newly polished floor on which a small child has spilt a carton of orange juice. Most candidates slip up on this one.

Actually I've seen some pretty hot women pushing their trolley round Tesco. You must be going to the wrong Tesco.

Kevin Musgrove said...

I failed my finals in tossing my hair provocatively over one shoulder after the whole ensemble flew off and landed on the judges.

63mago said...

Is there something like abrade shaver?

Scarlet Blue said...

Nick: I am suspicious; how did you know about the ultimate Woods-Woodall test?? I suspect you have been on one of her courses????

Kev: A few kirby clips cunningly placed would have saved you from this embarrassment. Were you made to walk the plank as punishment?

Mr Mags: I don't know, but I do know a brave beaver.

Sx

white rabbit said...

I don't know what to say...

Consider yourself blogrolled :D

nursemyra said...

Hilarious, Miss Scarlet

MJ said...

Women of all ages come to her desperate to learn ancient seduction skills such as elegant butter craft

We all recall your popular “Stick of Butter Treatment” at the Infomaniac House of Beauty.

Scarlet Blue said...

Mr Rabbit: That's okay. I often don't know what to say either.

Miss Nurse: Thank you!

MJ: Of course! I was wondering where I'd picked up the butter craft!

Sx

Joanna Cake said...

They havent really moved on from the old Does she, Doesnt she Silvikrin ads have they... but then the fact that I still remember that campaign shows how good it was ;P

I do love it in your world, Scarlet :)

Scarlet Blue said...

Ms Cakes: Harmony Hairspray, sweetie!!!

I promise that you are welcome to visit anytime.
SX