Wednesday, 23 February 2011


Earlier today I wrote the following comment: "Please can you make it wear big pants. And a knitting pattern would be nice."

This comment did not end up in the place where I intended it to be. If you see this comment, don't be alarmed, it is not dangerous, but I would be grateful if you could refer me to its location. Thank you.

Meanwhile, I am postless and stressed about World events. When I watch the news I feel like the World is disintegrating around me. Things don't seem to tie up at the moment. One minute I am being shown images of people being shot at because they are trying to overthrow a dictatorship government, and the next minute a voice over is trying to encourage me to put my feet up and buy a sofa from DFS. I am not comfortable with this.
I have had one experience of a bomb blast - London 1992 - I wasn't there when it went off - had I been sitting in my office then I would have been killed. I would be dead. An enormous shard of glass ended up embedded in my office swival chair; the clear message being that I shouldn't spend my life sitting on my arse.
Anyhow, apologies for any wayward comments that you find in your comment box and apologies for this disjointed post. Here is a tune to distract you from current events.
Boo. Hiss. Sony won't let me embed. HERE is the tune. I have played it before, but it is nicely distracting. For US and Canada, try the Youtube that is embedded HERE. This might work?

Friday, 18 February 2011

Va Va Voom

Sigh. I still miss Nicole and Papa. Life was less complicated back then... so anyhow, where was I... Yes, Va Va Voom - Do you have it? Does it spill out of your cutlery drawers? Does it propel you through life like a force of nature? Is it pink? Is it turquoise? Do my wellies have it? Should I go back to writing poetry? Is Renault using sex to sell a heap of metal that is simply supposed to transport you from A to B? Does it work? Would you rather not think about these questions now and just look at the pretty pictures? Would Dave prefer to watch this version...

Is it lunchtime yet? Shall I have toast? Shall I shut up now?

Monday, 14 February 2011

Ancient Vermilion Valentine Greetings

Shall I compare thee to a changeable afternoon in June?
Thou art bad tempered, moody, but thou oft make me laugh:
You may have wind sommat rotten and sad elasticated pants,
And that afternoon that doth flashed by a bit quick:
Sometimes you get blinky in the eye and you miss it,
And oft' it gets tiresome and over dramatic;
And every country fair has a beer tent,
By chance a brisk breeze showing nature's bush untrimm'd:
But thy changeable afternoon in June shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that wobbly chin and come hither expression;
Nor shall Death wander off and brag about nicking your bling,
When in eternal lines deeply scratched on a tree:

So long as forests are protected, and there are opticians and designer glasses,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

Monday, 7 February 2011

Ding Dong . . .

Recently I have been wallowing in blogging nostalgia. Nostalgia can sometimes be overwhelming. But anyhow, whatever... here is one of my elderly posts, originally posted here without the accompanying Youtube, as back then I didn't know how to embed.

I've been quite taken with the new perfume ad from Avon - Avon U by Ungaro. It features Avon Global Ambassador, Reese Witherspoon, looking stunning in a sheath of peach satin. She takes an old fashioned elevator (like the one in Fatal Attraction - where Glenn Close has her way with Micheal Douglas) up to the roof-top of a very tall building. It's dark and a little too breezy because her hair is getting all messed up (she should have gone to L'Oreal). Here she is joined by a tall dark attractive man in a dinner jacket, looking nonchalantly shaken but not too stirred. Perhaps he has lost a mint in the neighbouring Casino because his bow tie is hanging loosely around his collar; or perhaps he has a box of Milk Tray stuffed down his trousers, he is that type of guy. As the couple look longingly at each other a voice over cuts across the scene and says: 'What happens next is up to U to decide' . . . . Well obviously the Cactus Kid turns up with his underage pregnant girlfriend and he shares out bottles of 'Oasis' before they all fly off in a passing helicopter. Several years later they crash land into the penultimate episode of 'Lost' where they swap partners at least four times, have six children, one porcupine and an African Violet between them. On day 3,046 they are all evicted but still manage to live happily ever after, thanks to the exclusive magazine deals with 'Hello', 'OK', 'Gardener's World' and 'The People's Friend'. Then a nice Avon lady rings my doorbell, I let her in and she sells me a pink heart shaped 'Soap-on-a-Rope' . . .

I need to get out more.

Of course, this post made more sense in 2008 when I'd become fixated by the loathsome 'Oasis' adverts. Ever since writing this post I have searched in vain for the VW Casino man advert. Today I found it.

Saturday, 5 February 2011

More Fun and Entertainment - Infomaniac Edition

This is the third in a series of eagerly awaited and incredibly popular Tarot reading posts.

Legal Niceties:
Please remember that these readings are for fun and entertainment purposes only etc, etc... It is also worth noting that your home is at risk if you do not keep up repayments on a mortgage etc, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah...

As promised, this reading is for Mistress MJ and it promises to be something a bit special.
Before choosing her cards, I must first engage with her avatar... apologies MJ, this may make you sneeze...

Right, deep breath, here we go...

PAST: I will gloss over the various baking incidents, generally you are a gentle individual who is kind to old ladies and you have a fascination with squirrels. One unfortunate incident with an over filled icing bag should not be held against you; okay, so it may have taken your Aunt 3 hours to explain the situation to the arresting officer, and five hours for the surgeon to remove the nozzle from a sensitive region, but never mind, these things happen.

And let's face it, you redeemed yourself when you started knitting sweaters for penguins.
Instead I will focus on the strong images that the cards are giving me.
I see a man. Actually I see lots of men, most of them are senior and they are nekkid. But there is one man who stands out from the rest.


I see a dark haired man in a position of authority. He has been a highly influential figure in your life. He is connected to you being stunningly successful in your career... I see glamour... I see the Canadian curling team.... I see chocolate hob-nobs... I see nekkid old men again.... Anyhow... at some point in your past you learnt a harsh lesson, which was not to put ambition before your own emotional needs.

PRESENT: A huge dollop of luck is making itself manifest. Quite frankly, right now you can do no wrong and you are benefiting from being generous to others. You are now in a very harmonious place in your life.

But this harmony has been found through struggle and perhaps there has been a loss?

Future: Steady yourself for conflict... love perhaps. Your inner instincts must be handled firmly, but they must not be ignored or repressed. Out of this conflict you will emerge stronger. But this could also mean that you are in pursuit of a love object... someone has something that you believe belongs to somebody else. I can see you battling through a jungle of tropical delights; being thrown into confusion by a funhouse mirror and almost being thwarted by a gathered thong [boil washed and very grey]. I see you on a roadtrip....

...teaming up with a very attractive blonde lady and together you will reclaim what rightfully belongs to me her....

I am exhausted and the visions are fading....