Wednesday, 20 April 2011

How Do You Do It?

Apologies, I have been unwell for a week, but feeling better now. Apparently it's Easter this weekend, which means it's the annual Crème Egg Festival at chez Blue. This is a private occasion, but this brief clip should give you a clue as to what will be going on.

Yes, that's right, I have abandoned reading Tarot cards in favour of reading crème. If you would like a fresh crème reading then please put your name on the list.
Thank you. And Happy Easter!!!

P.S I will be busy next week as I have a wedding to attend.

Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Lucky You

Due to the sluggish financial market the Halifax staff have little to do. They are under strict instruction to only authorise two mortgages this year and can only lend to people who don’t need loans*. The financial advisers have all been made redundant and now the entire business is propped up by the canteen staff who have diversified by setting up a radio station in the basement of an NCP car park in Buttocks Booth just off Lumbertubs Lane. They broadcast daily, via telegraphic transfer, to five mountain goats on a farm in Southwold, Suffolk.
Scottish widow Sandy and Co-operative Carol provide the morning entertainment with a breakfast show. They are a tight team; they have a mutual interest in investing extra digits in their hedge funds and have bonded over unit banking. Alas, they are so enamoured by one another that they have failed to notice the potential threat of a hostile takeover bid from tea boy, Derek. He has coveted their breakfast slot from afar and, in an effort to remove the women from the helm, he has sabotaged Sandy’s liquid assets. He completes the arm’s length transaction by passing Sandy her mug. The mug handle breaks causing hot tea to spill across the mixing desk. Carol and Sandy are unfazed by life’s little dramas. They have each other and therefore the accelerated depreciation is negligible. They smile sweetly and, still laughing, still singing from the same spreadsheet, they tell Derek that life is better with a beaver.

*Many thanks to Pat and her recent Bob Hope quote.

Friday, 8 April 2011

Your Comment Counts!!

The other day, whilst perusing my blog stats, I found a brand monitoring company [Visible Technologies] viewing my recent post about Waitrose. In a nutshell companies such as Waitrose, Tesco's et al will employ a company such as Visible Technologies to monitor social networking sites to find out what we really think about them so that they can suss out how to sell more stuff to us.
Right now there is a team of bright young things analysing the comments you made on my previous post and thinking of ways to implement your suggestions. If they take your comments seriously, which I'm sure they will, we can expect to see Speedy Weeny machines installed within shopping centres the length and breadth of Britain; Heston Blumenthal and Delia Smith playing with Zulus and inventing new ways with yogurt and cucumber; a pick your own section in a Sainsbury's sponsored strawberry field; shopping trolleys with no wheels and, aisles dedicated to blind dates with large melons.
So if there is anything else you would like from your shopping experience then feel free to write your demands in my comment box. You are being watched!

Monday, 4 April 2011

My Aunt has left all her passwords on her memory stick!!!! HA HA HA!!!! And I have changed them all so there's nothing she can do!!!! Everyone in the family thinks she is weird cos she makes weird stuff and makes handmade christmas cards that are rubbish. Even her secret files are rubbish and boring but I will load them anyway.

Initially my experiments with bottling were explosive, shards of flying glass would become precariously lodged in the kitchen ceiling. The process was long, arduous & dangerous in the extreme. There were times when I would hold my head in my hands believing the project to be doomed to failure. Then one day: ‘Eureka!’, I discovered an ancient technique that made the process almost foolproof; I have only electrocuted myself three times since.
During this period I was supported by close friends & family who visited me more often than usual, they too were fascinated by the process of bottling. For example close friend Jules ably supplied me with an endless supply of empty bottles; her dedication & contribution to this project cannot be overemphasized, she is a legend in her own lifetime . . . albeit a tad incoherent . . . & wobbly on her pins . . .
Now that I was technically adept at bottling I could at last focus my energies on artistic creativity; I retreated to my purpose built garret at the bottom of the garden & awaited inspiration. Crawling through the back passage of my emotions I re-experienced hideous moments of my life that are probably best forgotten. It was a long painful journey, not without misgivings, but I was determined to suffer for my art, if I had to lie on a bed of nails & walk bare foot over burning coals, then so be it. Finally, when the sun was parallel to Pluto & Uranus was rising, my work was done.
Ten bottled feelings stood before me & I was a shadow of my former self . . . .

‘Viridian Venus’ is a small local gallery run by Moonchild Etherington -Smythe, who in her own words is a ‘Visionary Artist’, to quote further, her works are ‘a product of innate personal vision’. In Moonchild’s case, these visions manifest themselves as childlike impressions of angels. Appearing well-groomed at all times, she strikes the perfect balance between ethnic charm & middle England authority.
Moonchild was not overly keen on my bottles, she exclaimed that my soul was barren, that it was imperative that I release my bottled feelings immediately if I was to ever re-connect with my inner child. All I needed to do was sign up for one of her Visionary Workshops, it would only cost £150.00 & she would teach me to express the sound of a vacuum cleaner through the medium of paint.
I declined, I left her gallery leaving her to re-arrange her crystals; I was worried, confused, slightly disturbed whilst at the same time seriously impressed by her visionary commercial sense.

Sunday, 3 April 2011

Blog Hijack!!!!_&?*

I have fpoud my auntys phone!!!! And her memory stick in her handbag!!!__
She is ginger and she is a cow!!!! I will start uploading her secret files 2morrow!!! Ha ha ha!!!!
C'ya!!!! LOL!!!