Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Lucky You



Due to the sluggish financial market the Halifax staff have little to do. They are under strict instruction to only authorise two mortgages this year and can only lend to people who don’t need loans*. The financial advisers have all been made redundant and now the entire business is propped up by the canteen staff who have diversified by setting up a radio station in the basement of an NCP car park in Buttocks Booth just off Lumbertubs Lane. They broadcast daily, via telegraphic transfer, to five mountain goats on a farm in Southwold, Suffolk.
Scottish widow Sandy and Co-operative Carol provide the morning entertainment with a breakfast show. They are a tight team; they have a mutual interest in investing extra digits in their hedge funds and have bonded over unit banking. Alas, they are so enamoured by one another that they have failed to notice the potential threat of a hostile takeover bid from tea boy, Derek. He has coveted their breakfast slot from afar and, in an effort to remove the women from the helm, he has sabotaged Sandy’s liquid assets. He completes the arm’s length transaction by passing Sandy her mug. The mug handle breaks causing hot tea to spill across the mixing desk. Carol and Sandy are unfazed by life’s little dramas. They have each other and therefore the accelerated depreciation is negligible. They smile sweetly and, still laughing, still singing from the same spreadsheet, they tell Derek that life is better with a beaver.

*Many thanks to Pat and her recent Bob Hope quote.

57 comments:

xl said...

Maybe it was a good thing that Sandy spilled the tea. That was enough caffeine to wire up a moose!

Scarlet Blue said...

Mr XL: Our banking system is dependent on strong tea and hobnobs. And mountain goats.
Sx

Dave said...

Have you ever been to Southwold, Scarls? Mountain goats would not feel at home there. Perhaps we could go there, when you're next passing through Norfolk. I'm sure you'd like me to show the sights.

I'm avoiding saying anything about the ad, as the other one (for ISAs) with the woman who's head moves sideways scares me.

Scarlet Blue said...

Dave: Do you mean THIS advert, Dave?
Don't be daft, everyone knows that mountain goats come from Suffolk.
Sx

Dave said...

Aaaaargh. Yes, I do.

Scarlet Blue said...

Dave: Feels like this series of ads has been running forever...
Sx

Wow, that was awkward said...

And the first thing anybody does when their hot tea spills all over is smile and laugh.

Pearl said...

Holy crap, I'm so sorry. I thought this kind of dreck was available only in the States...

Grinning grinning grinning. I'm surprised more people don't list commercials in their suicide notes.

Pearl

p.s. As an aside, my WV is "unbig", which unfortunately reminds me of a detergent commercial currently running here where -- and I swear on everything I hold dear -- the announcer proclaims that things have never been "gooder". Gooder. shakes head

The Dotterel said...

Isn't that same woman whose head moves sideways in the ISA ad? She's wearing the same jumper. But then, as you say Miss Blue, times is hard in the banking sector.

Scarlet Blue said...

Mr Awkward: I think I must have misread the advert, because you are quite right - hot tea hurts. Perhaps the mug actually contains whiskey? This would then explain why the team at the Halifax believe they are competent enough to run a radio station.

Pearl: Gooder? It's not going to catch on, is it?! 'More gooder' has a better ring to it... if you're going to get it wrong then at least be lavish with the wrongness.

Sx

Scarlet Blue said...

Mr Dotts: The Halifax radio station is the only radio station in the world where the staff have a corporate uniform.
Inferiors have to wear a lilac tank-top... superior bankers where navy jackets.

Sx

Lucien Modo said...

If you happen to rich
And you feel like a night's entertainment
You can pay for a gay escapade.
If you happen to be rich and alone
And you need a companion
You can ring (ting-a-ling) for the maid.
If you happen to be rich
And you find you are left by your lover,
And you moan and you groan quite a lot
You can take it on the chin,
Call a cab and begin to recover
On your 14-karat yacht! WHAT!?

Scarlet Blue said...

Mythical Modo: Just for your pleasure, this is for you.

Sx

Jimmy said...

Buttocks Booth off Lumbertubs Lane? You've been slumming it down in Northampton again hen. Did you stop off by chance and have a wee swally in the Cock Hotel over in Kingsthorpe by the way?

Scarlet Blue said...

Mr Jimmy: Buttocks Booth is south for you and north for me. Shall we meet somewhere in the middle, like Slackbottom in Yorkshire?
Sx

Jimmy said...

Ms Scarls, as much as I would love to meet you firmly in the middle of somewhere, I'm gonnae have to pass. England for me, is best seen fae this side of the border, looking back.

Nikos said...

How does a mountain goat differ from a bog standard goat?

xsN

Scarlet Blue said...

Mr Jimmy: Ha! That's pretty much how I've grown to feel about South East England!

Mr Nikos: Mountain goats are peculiar in so much as they like to listen to Halifax raio. Standard goats prefer to make up play-lists on their iPods.

Sx

Scarlet Blue said...

LOOK, MR NIKOS - YOU MADE ME DO ANOTHER TYPO!! I meant radio. I blame this keyboard and my softly padded fingers.
SX

Roxy Carmichael said...

I dunno I think those ladies are in such a good mood because they're sitting on free vibrating eggs - courtesy of The Halifax.

Jimmy said...

I notice you didnae say no to us bumping uglies... What a wee hussy.

Lucien Modo said...

Ahhh... one of my favourites.

63mago said...

I have not the smallest idea what these tea splashers do sell.
Are you sure it's goat, not sheep?

nursemyra said...

the blonde is drugged out of her mind - look at her crazy eyes

Pat said...

Oh I wondered why she dropped the mug; I didn't realise the handle came off.

MJ said...

Did someone mention HobNobs?

Scarlet Blue said...

...will be back later... major hair appointment....
SX

Clyde said...

Banking people with personalities--no no no, never happens

Kevin Musgrove said...

I think it's misleading to even suggest they've got the wireless in Halifax. Last I saw, families there huddled around the hearth listening to the cat's whisker were literally listening to the cat's whisker. "A good meow is as good as Variety Bandbox any day," said Braithwaite.

nick said...

I suspect the woman at the back of the pic (Shirley Stash from Admin) is furtively sabotaging them with that innocent-looking machine she's tinkering with. It's feeding expletives and flatulent sound effects into Sandy and Carol's console and any seconds now mayhem will take over....

Scarlet Blue said...

Roxy: You could have a point... and Halifax should consider the vibrating egg option next time they want to give away a freebie.

Mr Jimmy: What is it about the phrase: bumpin' uglies, that makes me wince...?

Mythical Modo: Anytime is Cabaret time.

Mr Mags: Actually, I haven't a clue what they're selling either... the tea mishap is distracting.

Miss Nurse: Or, as Roxy suggests, she is sitting on a vibrating egg.

Pat: This is what happens when you make ceramic repairs with copydex and sellotape.

MJ: Yes please!!

Sx

Bit back in a bit - recovering from being pampered.

Scarlet Blue said...

Clyde: ...but they do get to wear a fetching lilac tank top...

Kev: I am imagining you now with your corn-cob radio set....

Nick: Ah, that's not Shirley, that's Nat West Tasha... a definite infiltrator... gained notoriety with a whoopee cushion and did this to her last office manager.

Sx

I am exhausted. I will take picture of kinky boots and then collapse.

nick said...

Brilliant! I'm filing that away for the next boss who makes me redundant.

tony said...

Oh THOSE Halifax ads are the pits.

It's always a bad sign when finacial ads become quirky & funny.They want us to cuddle them!Odd at the momoment, they no longer try and impress us with their professionalism & skill.Maybe because they realise we know now that it was they that caused our lovely Recession.
It must be especially annoying for several people I know locally who have just been sacked from Halifax HQ.

Eryl said...

I used to work for the company that recruited Halifax staff and I remember that Sandy. She stunk of cheap port and evidently had no skill with an iron. Took her on straight away.

xl said...

Will Sandy & Carol be providing play-by-play coverage of the upcoming royal wedding?

Scarlet Blue said...

Nick: What did you do to the last boss who made you redundant?

Tony: They know that we're gnashing our teeth to be sfter them, hence why they're ensconced in the basement of the NCP carpark.

Eryl: I hope Sandy was generous with the port... even if it was cheap.
Did she also shrink her acrylic tank top?

Mr XL: AND the Halifax will be launching the new Corgi account to commemorate the nuptials. Details coming soon... but it will involve percentages, division and a few graphs - plus a swing-o-meter linked with the housing market. Please do not ask me for an analysis. I am not good at maths.

Sx

nick said...

The new boss thought that one person could easily do the job of four part-time admin workers, including me. So we were made redundant and replaced by one dynamic woman. Well, she was supposed to be dynamic but I gather she was totally knackered after a month or two.

Mitzi said...

There is a Tickle Cock bridge in West Yorkshire you know!

Remember that bespectacled building society Howard from the Halifax? Always wanting to give you that little bit Xtra!

wendy house said...

I'm off to Goblin Commbe and Cleeve Toot next weekend. Really. Anything could happen!

Roses said...

Working in Financial Services as I do, your ad break down has left the Satire Camp and gone straight to Reality.

You may find yourself visited by two men in suits to ask you to desist.

I of course, will deny all knowledge of you.

(They like Earl Grey tea and chocolate hobnobs. If you don't have any, they're also partial to caramel digestives)

Scarlet Blue said...

Nick: That'll teach the poor woman to write: I am dynamic! on her CV.

Mitzi: Howard's extras were less exciting than one would imagine... they were nothing more than a CD of Halifax staff covering money related tunes by Pink Floyd and the Flying Lizards in the style of the Cheeky Girls. Sad, but true.

Wendy: Close to Cadbury Hill! Please bring back some Creme Eggs.

Roses: Is that them outside now...? They are wearing dark suits and sunglasses?
Ah... no... it is just people turning up for the hose and spanner convention next door. Weird. It happens every weekend, you'd think I'd be used to it by now.
I will keep some caramel digestives on standby just in case.

Sx

Scarlet Blue said...

Apologies for my absence, but I am feeling very poorly.
SX

Scarlet Blue said...

...why am I apologising... there is no-one here... see, I told you I was poorly.
Sx

xl said...

[fluffs pillows]

Is Miss Scarlet feeling better this morning?

Scarlet Blue said...

You must be in a fluffing frenzy, Mr XL!
I think whatever I had is passing as my headache is an echo of how it felt on Saturday.
I wonder what was wrong with me?
Sx

MJ said...

I can provide references for XL's pillow fluffing services.

Scarlet Blue said...

He is a marvel with the feathers!
That's three bloggers down with a mysterious malaise - me, you and poor Lulu.
Sx

Lucien Modo said...

Maybe a touch too much sun Ms Blue? Combined with chocolate, cheese and red wine it can be a killer.

Princess said...

sorry I'm late to the party Miss Scarlet but things have been rather hectic around "the palais" of late.

That Spanner and Hosepipe convention sounds like a real hoot! Every weekend you say? *Makes note in diary*

I do hope that you are not feeling as poorly now... I have it on very good advice that Mr Xl's skills in the pillow fluffing department are exemplary and come with very high recommendation

Scarlet Blue said...

Mythical Modo: I wish! Think it was stress and not enough whiskey!

Princess: Hose and spanner convention...! You see, I replied to Roses when I was at my most delirious!
Gracious... I will be around to the Palais asap.

Sx

Lucien Modo said...

Peccávi

LL Cool Joe said...

I've held a great many mugs in my life, but not once have I experienced the handle coming away in my hand.

Scarlet Blue said...

Mythical Modo: Haven't we all! And you are forgiven your trangression.

Mr Cool: Count yourself lucky... it has happened to me on numerous occasions.

Sx

Rosie said...

This advert drives me completely mental, and the isa isa one, and the man with the stupid moustache...go compare.

Scarlet Blue said...

Rosie: It is a very peculiar advertising concept... are we really to believe in Halifax radio?? They could at least get Chris Evans to front it as he has got a lot of frontage.
Sx

BEAST said...

I like the Isa Isa one , the girl in that one is a right minx :-)