Friday, 20 May 2011

Escape To The Country

Knotting-May-Back-Passage, to be found up-wind of Pratt's Bottom, is a tight knit prosperous community where the eccentricities of the rich and illustrious often go unreported to the wider world, or to the appropriate planning authorities. Indeed, this small rural hamlet has become something of a safe-haven for spendthrift entrepreneurs and reckless millionaires.
For example the activities of newcomer Richard Etherington-Wilson went largely unnoticed for such a length of time that he managed to block pave 17 acres of arable farmland before a concerned dog walker raised the alarm. Mr Etherington-Wilson, originally an Estate Agent/Mortgage Consultant/Property Developer/Pension Schemer/all-round banker had been drawn to the rural idyll after attaining a certificate of commendation in rustic handicrafts during a weekend workshop in Wales. Unfortunately, such was his enthusiasm for living the dream and dry stone walling, that before moving to Dumpling Dipsticks [a Gothic inspired neo-classical thatched Georgian villa] he failed to take his pathological fear of darkness into consideration. Mr Etherington-Wilson was arrested recently, but later baled, after he was found to be responsible for lighting up the skies with 3,000 energy saving light bulbs festooned across ancient woodland within his extensive gardens; his nocturnal illuminations had proved to be something of a hazard for pilots trying to land light aircraft at a nearby private airstrip.
Richard Etherington-Wilson was thought to have been in hiding since this latest incident, but speculation down at The Dog and Duck has been rife with the idea that the sat-nav system on his ride on mower malfunctioned; some local residents swear blind that they've seen him mowing his way through the Knotting-May butterfly sanctuary, some 5 miles in distance from his 25 acre landscaped gardens at Dumpling Dipsticks....

Meanwhile....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY  MR BEASTIE!!!!!!!!!!!

This is for you.


42 comments:

Ponita in Real Life said...

A birthday? Well, one must wish Mr. Beast a Very Happy Birthday indeed, then!!

It's downright criminal what you can get away with when you've got loads of money, isn't it?

(Nice shot of you romping through the garden in the FGES, Scarlet!!! Does Mr. Beast know you've managed to get your hands on them??? Or is that his birthday pressie?)

Princess said...

What a lovely surprise for Mr Beastie...And on his Birthday too!

It was nice of Roses to lend you The FGES!

How very thoughtful of MR XL to have snapped you wearing them during your interpretive dance routine.

Whirlochre said...

There used to be a Dog And Duck a couple of miles down the road from me.

Sadly it burned down a few years ago and has now been converted into a branch of Koffee Twat Wank Twat Wank Wank Wank Twat Wank Wank Wank Wank Wank.

Pearl said...

Up wind of Pratt's Bottom.

That's going to stay with me for quite a while...

Happy Birthday to Mr. Beast.

Pearl

xl said...

Let's do a crop circle on Mr Beast's front lawn that says "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

MJ said...

Better yet, let's mow a crop circle into Mr. Beastie's chest hair!

BEAST said...

Thank you Miss Scarlet , thats one of my favourite tracks EVER . Dont think we have missed the shot of you CAVORTING in the FGES . I had better contact the authorities and get them to release poor Roses then :-(

Dave said...

What drugs are you on? I want some.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I'm both thrilled and displeased to see such FGES cavorting. This means I'm going to have to amend The Map.

Happy birthday, dear Beast!

Macy said...

"Back passage dreaming"
Now there's a label that should get used again...

Scarlet Blue said...

Tsk. I am in a bit of a fluster this morning and will be back to answer comments later this afternoon.
Sxxxxx

nick said...

I understand the ride-on mower was later spotted rumbling up the M1 at a staggering 15 mph, with no sign of Mr E-W who must have fallen off it earlier. There are now serious fears for his personal safety.

Pat said...

Thank God for Butlins! It puts off folk like Mr E. W.

Scarlet Blue said...

Ponita: If I had loads of money I'm absolutely positive that I would be a saint...

Princess: Tsk. Roses sent me the shorts... she's trying to make out that it was me wot nicked them in the first place. IT'S A DISGRACE!!! But then I thought I'd try them on...

Mr Whirly: Could have been worse... it could have been Tesco Express...

Pearl: Waft it around and spread the joy!

Mr XL: British front gardens are generally small, so we shall have to do our crop circle with a pair of nail scissors.

MJ: This would probably be easier! Has Mr Beastie got a hairy chest??? Does anyone have evidence of this???

Mr Beastie: I'm sure Miss Roses is having fun wherever she is, she will be fine.

HAVE A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MR BEASTIE!!!!!

Dave: I live on adenaline, tea and fags... and the knowledge that Dave loves me...

Mr Devine: Erm... really sorry about the map... but needs must etc, etc...

Macy: It does sound like the title of an interesting book, doesn't it?!

Nick: ..Mr E.W... last seen llama treking in Eastbourne with the wind in his hair and very sore thighs.

Pat: Indeed! Butlins has it's appeal now you mention it!

Sx

Nikos said...

Back in the days when Bleriot was a very old man, I used to fly my model aeroplane upwind of Pratt's Bottom - if it went downwind it would end up at Biggin Hill aerodrome and cause chaos with the air traffic control procedures. Small world and all that

xsN

Dave said...

Do they sell this adenaline in tablet form? Can I get it at the chemists?

Scarlet Blue said...

Mr Nikos: I will forgive you. I am too hungover to do otherwise.

Dave: Big snogs to you this morning.

Sxxxxx

Dave said...

I will hold you to that, one day. xx

Joanna Cake said...

This is why I could never live in the country!

Ruf loves that track too. HB MrBeast :)

Scarlet Blue said...

Dave: Mwah mwah mwah!!

Ms Cakes: You are a sensible lady and Ruf has good taste.

Sx

LL Cool Joe said...

Sometimes you leave me lost for words, and today is one of those days. ;)


Happy Birthday to Mr Beastie!


(Nice photo btw)

Eryl said...

There was a time when i thought Butlins the height of sophistication, I don't think they exist here in Scotland, more's the pity. I could do with a Babycham and Brandy topped up with lemonade.

nursemyra said...

you like the Ramones Scarlet? Have you seen this film?

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0368711/

wendy house said...

Sounds like a reckless Welsh weekend workshop can change your life - and everybody elses.
I was going to take an Extreme shepherding workshop
Until I failed the preparatory homework - using local cats and christmas tree lighting

Miss Scarlet said...

Mr Joey: Apologies!

Eryl: I think I will be laying off the alcohol for awhile. I'm feeling a little washed out...

Miss Nurse: I like the Ramones, but it is Mr Beastie who is the real fan.
I will check out the film.

Wendy: ...I wonder what could be done with extreme Christmas tree lighting... the world would be a much more twinkly place.

Sx

Miss Scarlet said...

...Apologies... I am titting about...
Sx

tony said...

I Love Rural Place Names in Englandshire. I lived in Cheshire for a couple of years.Very near the splendidly Named Lower Peover

Happy Frog and I said...

A very happy birthday indeed to Mr. Beast though I'm awfully tardy to the party. The comment in your post about Sat Nav reminded me of my other half. While I was doing a 10 mile walk for charity yesterday he went round a maze with some other supporters and when he got to the middle put on his sat nav. It told him to walk through the hedges to the nearest road!

Kevin Musgrove said...

I, too, arrive late to the party, thanks to being exhausted by a week in the company of a lot of tight nits.

Happy days all!

Dave said...

One would never guess that you have a hint of the ginger about you from your new avatar.

Miss Scarlet said...

Tony: Close to Nether Peover! I hate soggy knickers. Not that I know much about them.

Happy froggy: And we should all do exactly as the sat nav tells us!

Kev: Why did I misread this as night tits???

Dave: But you are wrong!!!
Look at this. I am hinting in black and white.

Sx

63mago said...

Very interesting to watch the renovations of your blog.

Miss Scarlet said...

Ha ha! Mr Mags, I think I'm done now... for the time being.
Something had to be done... it was like arriving at Clapham Junction whenever I logged on.
Sx

Pat said...

I've been thinking the new photo was someone else. Glad it's you.

63mago said...

Well, I think you exaggerate a bit, it was not that bad. A little touch here and there and it's like new ...

Miss Scarlet said...

Pat: Thank you, Pat. You are looking rather lovely too!

Sx

Miss Scarlet said...

Mr Mags: True! It wasn't that bad... just a little disorganised and too busy.

Sx

xl said...

For Scarlet Blue

Miss Scarlet said...

Mr XL: You daft thing, you'll have us all in tears.

Sx

nick said...

I understand Mr E-W has now taken out a super-injunction, so no further details will be forthcoming. The carnage caused in Lymeswold under Stilton by the runaway mower was apparently horrific, but unfortunately the full death toll cannot be divulged.

Miss Scarlet said...

Nick: You have Facebook mail!!!
Don't worry about Mr Posh pants - he's got enough money to get into and out of any sort of trouble.
SXXXX

Kevin Musgrove said...

I have put night tits on Santa's wish list.