Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Feel Stubble Free For Longer

Hair Minimising Deoderent from Dove

Spring is here. The weather is warming up so it is time to de-fuzz and deodorise. Luckily Dove [Unilever] has a new product on the shelves. New Dove hair minimising deodorant to prevent little pricks with stubble. I wonder what they'll dream up next? But this is a Godsend for us girls who don't like to be worried by giant cacti whilst we're sunning ourselves on the beach...
A word of caution on the back of the can though : Do not allow this product to come into contact with painted or varnished surfaces... probably best not to get it mixed up with your hairspray either....

Sunday, 29 March 2009

The Art of Sax

I've been meaning to write about my saxophone for sometime. Encouraged by a friend, I've been learning to play since 2001, at a time when I thought it was far too late for me to start learning. I remember being left alone in a practice room with this huge instrument and not really knowing one end from the other. I felt quite inept, but like with most things, a little practice helps a lot.

Yep, that's right, the art of sax is all about technique; developing a firm embouchure; knowing when to tongue gently and knowing when it's okay to blow hard.
Persons with a large oral cavity and a short tongue find that tip-to-tip tonguing is advantageous. - Larry Teal, The Art of Saxophone Playing.
Swift nimble fingering is also helpful for rapid fluid playing.
Anyhow, I'm still learning, I'm not brilliant, far from it - I've yet to master the mythical circular breathing [I still have to come up for air] and I can only growl by accident, but I do have strong lips....

Thursday, 26 March 2009

For The Man Who Plays To Win

Here we see Ron and Jean. They met four years ago in a post office queue in Chipping Sodbury. It was a long queue, time passed slowly, and inevitably they started chatting about chess. Three stamps, four parcels and a special delivery later, and Jean found herself back at Ron’s flat admiring his pawn collection. Since this first meeting they have become chess buddies, pals, friends even, and now, every Monday evening, they get together to thrash out tactics. Jean fancies Ron something rotten and because of this she has read and absorbed 16 books on chess [including Tarrasch’s Best Games Of Chess by Fred Reinfeld] and has subscribed to British Chess Magazine Monthly. Ron likes Jean; she’s very good at chess. And she knows how to castle.
Jean has been waiting four years for Ron to take advantage of her, and during this time her imagination has wallowed in a series of romantic scenarios, which include: feeding the penguins together at London Zoo; Llama trekking in Devon; taking the camper van to Clacton; a wedding; a honeymoon; a mortgage; children… A RING. Her patience is wearing thin. She leans forward and licks her lips, there is all to play for.
Ron has been waiting fourteen minutes for Jean to take her turn and during this time he is has been wondering if it was wise to take her Knight with his Queen and whether he really needs to keep playing safe with his rook.
It’s Jean’s move, so she goes in for the kill, she starts kissing Ron’s bishop and fingering her king. Ron is beginning to feel feverish as he realises that within two moves Jean could have him in check-mate unless he does something pretty smartish. Oh dear. But Ron is an experienced player; he always plays to win, and he has seen Jean’s tactic deployed many times before; luckily he has garnered a few sneaky moves of his own. For a brief moment he leaves the game so that he can drench himself in Hai Karate, an aftershave designed to repel all kinds of female advancement. The effect is instant; Jean is overpowered by the stench of cheap scent and as she fights for breath she knocks the chessboard into the air, sending the rooks and pawns scattering across the tiled table top. Poor Jean, it was so nearly check-mate, but she has been forced to concede defeat. This time.

Monday, 23 March 2009

Ancient Vermilion Proverbs

Never let the sun go down behind closed curtains.

Heels are good for pulling, but flats are needed for running away when you've had enough.

A problem shared is gossip material.

There's more than one way to peel a fish finger.

Always carry a Toilet Duck.

Two wrongs aren't as bad as three.

It's never over until somebody starts singing... and even this can go on for some time.

A bird in the bush is artistic trimming.

Thursday, 19 March 2009

A Discreet Camel Ride


*Apologies, Tena Pants Discreet are so discreet that I can't even find a copy of the ad to embed in this post.

I have always wanted to ride a camel and now thanks to Tena Pants Discreet I can do it in comfort. Instead of humping over the desert feeling every bump, I can have the shocks absorbed by Tena. Yes, thanks to Tena, riding a camel is simplicity itself.
The market for incontinence pads is not exactly flooded, and it seems that there two main market contenders: Always Envive, which promises to help you stand out in a crowd and make an exhibition of yourself; and then there's Tena for people who like easy rides. I know which one I'd choose...

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

Jukebox Monday

Another morning with sunshine. I shall be slapping on the factor 30 if this carries on... and the fake tan... I will be covered with cream. Anyhow, I'm off to the hairdressers in a bit... I might be awhile, it takes time and expertise to sort out this unruly mess, but before I go, here is a tune...

Monday, 16 March 2009

What Happened Next?

I’ve had three proper relationships [this suggests that I’ve had numerous improper relationships]. My first was with the Tears For Fears roadie, way back in 1985 and we are still very good friends. My second was with an ex-public schoolboy called Jason, he was quite posh and his Dad was a bookie. Anyhow, Jason was kind of kinky and he enjoyed role-playing games, for example when we stayed in hotels he liked to pretend he was a hotel inspector; he would carry a notebook around and ask the receptionist pertinent questions about the Corby trouser press, and the laundry service. In the supermarket he would pretend to be the store manager; as I pushed the trolley up and down the aisles of Sainsbury’s he would follow close behind me with a clipboard, examining the sell-by dates on Del Monte peach slices. He also had a fixation with his cutlery drawer. It had to be neatly arranged, with all the forks and spoons neatly stacked on top of each other [I don’t know what he did with the knives]. Anyhow, he would spend hours organising his drawer and then when he’d finished I’d open the drawer and bang it shut, sending his silverware into a messy scatter. ‘Oops!’ I would exclaim. I quite liked Jason and we even got engaged. We did all the usual boyfriend/girlfriend stuff; we signed up for pottery classes; we learnt the meringue and we even drove around Windsor Safari Park in our Ford Sierra Cosworth* and let the chimpanzees sit on our sunroof, but more often than not, we would stay in and watch videos.
I was reminded of Jason on Saturday night because the film The Eyes of Laura Mars was showing on BBC1 and I originally saw most of this film with him. I say most of it because I had recorded it off the telly, but this was back in the day when you had to carefully programme the recorder with start and end times… and I kind of cut off the last ten minutes. We were gutted… Faye Dunaway was all big eyed and fearful, her chest was heaving, her buttons were stressed, and then all of a sudden the Andrex puppy was playfully tangling with toilet paper on a staircase.
So on Saturday night, nearly 20 years later, I tried to stay up to watch the whole film all the way through to find out what happened in the end… but it was on very late… and I fell asleep… but I have a suspicion that it was Tommy Lee Jones wot done ‘em in…???

*She was white, with spoilers - I called her Blossom.

Friday, 13 March 2009

The Magic Six

I have been tagged by Madame D and Ponita. There are a list of rules to follow...

1) Put the link of the person who tagged you on your blog.
2) Write the rules.
3) Mention 6 things or habits of no real importance about you.
4) Tag 6 persons adding their links directly.
5) Alert the persons that you tagged them.

Okay then...

1) I keep forgetting to pass this link on to MJ. I think she might be interested.
2) I keep forgetting to post an episode of The Magic Roundabout for MJ. I promised to do this months ago.
3) My first role model was Rosalie [the blonde one] from The Magic Roundabout.
4) I love Dougal. I've always wanted a Dougal cake for my birthday.
5) I used to spend hours trying to teach my dog to talk.
6) I had better luck with my cat. She talks.

And now I have to tag six people. I'd like to tag Mr Mutts; Mr Beastie; Mr Auty; Kaz; Mr XL and Pete. Actually my cat chose the six tags, so you have her to blame. She's a British Blue funnily enough...

Thursday, 12 March 2009

Going West...

The Exeter one way system is interesting. I know where Exeter Leisure Centre is, I drove past it five times. And Bath is a lovely Roman City... famous for its baths. Wales has very big hills. I eventually found Lyme Regis....

Sunday, 8 March 2009

A Jolly Jaunt

Right my friends... I'm off for a jolly jaunt at the seaside. I'm going to collect some fossils for Mr Dave, eat some of Pat's mini rolls and quite possibly flash my knickers at a few passing gentleman [well it's too chilly for a bikini].

I'll be back on Wednesday evening unless I get waylaid by the Milktray Man on my travels. Live in hope.

Take care and play nice,

Friday, 6 March 2009

Think Galaxy...

When everything else in life lets you down, there is still chocolate. It's always worth remembering this...
Here we see Cindy. Poor Cindy is once again left alone in the swanky student pad that she shares with her two step-sisters, who are both out, living it up in Rockafella's [a stylish and sophisticated neon blazing nightspot - just off Peckham High Street]. Cindy has spent the last three hours on her knees scrubbing and playing with her Dyson dusting brush, so now she heads to the kitchen to fix herself a treat. She fumbles in the fridge for lumps of left over Dairylea cheese, but alas, the fridge is bare; her mean sisters have left her nothing other than a well licked lid from a Müllerlight yoghurt. Cindy sighs, she has grown wise to the wicked ways of her step-sisters and so she has a secret stash of Galaxy chocolate hidden in a box under her bed.
Poor Cindy. If only she could have starred in an eighties commercial. Unfortunately she was born too late, so there'll be no Black Magic; no Milk Tray man sneaking in through the window to deliver an assortment of creams in her box [she is on the 24th floor and has high security double glazing]; there'll be no fairy Godmother offering up a finger of fudge; no ambassador trying to spoil or even soil her with his Ferrero Rocher and nor will she get to share her last Rolo or suck attractively on a flake.
Ahhh, poor Cindy, she is destined to be home alone; to be stuck on her World of Leather sofa, nibbling on her Galaxy bar whilst wearing a pair of Crocs....

Tuesday, 3 March 2009

An Interlude

Many apologies, I have been snowed under.... life and all that sort of crap and stuff...
I will be back properly by the end of next week.

Meanwhile, here is a short interlude. If you sit up close to the screen it makes you feel a bit sick and dizzy.