Tuesday, 30 June 2009

Dyson does Dallas - The Sequel

Last October I thought of a way for credit crunched advertisers to save money: Instead of fifty or sixty 30sec. ads between programmes; what if the advertisers all club together to make a commercial mini movie? Anyhow, here is the sequel.

Beat temptations with Special K mini breaks

Life has not been kind to Mindy, Molly and Duncan. The credit crunch has hit them hard. They are no longer smooth operators; they are no longer chauffeur driven to their work place in a Vauxhall Zafira and Molly and Duncan are no longer exquisitely beautiful. Sadly, Duncan and Mindy are now working in the accounts department of a global international fancy dress factory in Camber, and Molly has moved into catering. They have all tried to embrace their new life-styles. Each morning they strap on Tena incontinence pads and ride their camels across the dunes until they reach the office. Before the working day begins, they head to the communal toilets where Mindy changes into Little Red Riding Hood; Molly becomes a wicked witch and Duncan is a mucky devil. They no longer chat about L’Oreal hair care products – Duncan is bald, Molly has a hat and Mindy prefers Pantene.
By about 11am, Mindy is feeling bored and peckish and starts to fidget around like a famished ferret looking for a spare trouser leg. Duncan grins devilishly and teases her with his cheesy balls. Mindy is tempted and she chews her fingernails to demonstrate how tortured and tempted she is.
Meanwhile, Molly is roaming around the corridors with her tea trolley and trays of lard laden bakery products. The change has not been good to her. She has gone a bit grey, and too much munching on Maltesers [despite being less than 190 calories per bag] have made her figure fuller, so that the only outfit that fits her is an apron and a funny hat. She is bitter and when she sees Mindy looking svelte and glamorous in her fancy red frock, she lets rip and offers up a cream stuffed muffin. Again Mindy chews her fingernails to indicate that she is distressed, yet strangely tempted. Mindy sighs. Neither Duncan nor Molly understand her…. if she eats too much she will burst out of her corseted costume and will end up being fit for nothing but the arse end of a pantomime cow. And so, to beat temptation, she nibbles demurely on a her Kelloggs Mini Breaks - crunchy, biscuity, cardboardy and only 99 calories a bag. She is starving, but saint-like, as once again Duncan gets naked and Molly plays around with his bubbling Aero [like in the original – this is a sequel after all]. By 3.30pm Duncan is tired of dunking Molly’s Toblerone Triangle and Molly has done all she can with his Wotsits… so they both pack away their edibles and bugger off to the pub, leaving Mindy to clear up the chocolatey, biscuity, mucky mess, which is strewn across the factory floor. Mindy isn’t bothered, she prefers to work alone. Dyson Flexi Crevice Tool? or Dyson Wand Handle? Either way she will be consumed with pleasure.

....my work is done...

Sunday, 28 June 2009

28 Weeks Later

There's a tune that's been really bugging me. It's been used in TV dramas and in documentaries to heighten dramatic effect. I didn't have a clue what it was... I was even going to do a blog post asking if anyone knew... It begins softly, but with clever repetition climatic tension builds... gradually it becomes harder and louder... louder and harder... harder and louder...
I'm sure somebody would have known what I was banging on about. Anyhow, I have been saved the embarrassment of virtual humming. Luckily I saw '28 Weeks Later' at the weekend... and I have been relieved of my frustration.
Play it loud; love it, love it, love it!!

Saturday, 27 June 2009

Something For The Weekend...

.... and tissues ready...

Yep, I know Ben was a pet rat but this always makes me cry...

Wednesday, 24 June 2009

I can't sleep. I am really mad at someone and I am stewing. Quite frankly I want to give them a piece of my mind and throw crockery at a wall - that kind of thing. Sigh. It's not going to happen, I'm going to rise above it cos I am a grown up. An adult.
Anyhow, because I am hoping to move soon [I'm under offer!!], I've been sorting through my old junk and I found an old diary of mine from when I was about nine. I certainly knew how to deal with people I was mad at back then. The following is a relevant extract:-
J**** J****** is a big fat snob who thinks she rules the school her head is full of water she likes the Osmonds and she is smelly.
So, person I'm mad at, YOUR HEAD IS FULL OF WATER AND YOU ARE SMELLY, so there.
I feel better now.

For those of you who would like to continue the Kent bashing thread from the previous comments box, here is a map. [Perhaps we could do Sussex next week?]

For those of you who would just like to listen to a tune that has no connection to the rest of this post, here is a tune:-

So there you go... I will try to get some sleep now. I will wake up in the morning and this will probably be the first post I've ever deleted...
*wanders off to have a fag before engaging in some more gnashing of teeth*

Monday, 22 June 2009

I Am What I Am

I have been busy. Last week I appeared on This Morning [with Fearne and Phil], and I sang with Tony Christie. I then had my lunch interrupted by Dominic Cooper. I wouldn't have minded but I was scoffing on a rather tasty blueberry muffin at the time. I then went to see La Cage Aux Folles at the Playhouse in Northumberland Avenue. Then I had an Italian. It's all go....
[Obviously the hippy thing didn't happen]

Thursday, 18 June 2009


Cathy is not a dentist [she states this quite clearly], she has spent the last 4 months detained at Her Majesty's pleasure in Holloway as she had been caught making films containing scenes of torture and abuse. She is now unemployed but enjoys dressing up as an air hostess. Cathy has toothache and an oral fetish; she has broken into the dental surgery to practice her technique. Mr Davis [the real dentist] is startled to find her in his surgery handling his scarifying tool, but he is impressed by her tonguing action and her willingness to get her teeth into the subject. He has a professional interest in her misshapen mandibles. Unfortunately Cathy gets far too excited, goes a bit wild and starts flashing her Crest. Her obsessive scrapping causes her to slip and knock her front tooth out on the narcosis apparatus. She is crestfallen. Mr Davis ushers her into his black leather chair for a thorough examination. Cathy sighs as she feels him in her mouth - she is in her element, she begins to froth and lets him poke around until he finds and fills her all of her cavities...

Sunday, 14 June 2009

A New Seeker

I have always been a material girl. I like pink and diamante. But recently I've begun to feel that there must be something more to life than gratuitous consumption; something more to life than incontinence pads, chocolate and tampons. It is time, I feel, for me to engage with life on a deeper level. It is time to read the occasional book; grow apple trees; do something with honeybees and have a snow-white turtle dove. It is time to throw out my Born Blond highlighting kit and go back to my roots; it is time to wear a pair of crocs and find my inner sole. Indeed, I will be needing a whole new wardrobe of clothes - I'm thinking jangly bangles, a lentil loop headband and a long floaty skirt. I will be a reborn romantic. And I intend to travel. There are places I've never been to, places I've never seen - like the leafy Thames Valley and parts of Manchester. I need to embrace a bit of culture, I need to spread my wings - it is time to go out into the world; it is time to traipse the globe and commute with the dolphins...

[Okay, truth be known I spent an hour writing up a nice little story but then couldn't find the damn ad on Youtube..]

Wednesday, 10 June 2009

The UK Property Market - An In Depth Overview.

Because I am quite stupid I have decided to sell my house. I don't need too. I just want to move to somewhere a little more vibrant. Somewhere there are shops and people under the age of sixty. Somewhere where potato growing isn't the height of entertainment. I've had plenty of viewers, all declaring love for my humble abode. And my bush-craft. Most viewers are renting or are cash buyers so are in a good position to buy, but they are waiting for prices to fall even further. Like vultures. This housing crash isn't the same as the one in the early nineties - when crippling interest rates coupled with high unemployment forced people to sell; the market was flooded with property and therefore supply outstripped demand. In today's market, supply is limited due to low interest rates and paying off a mortgage is easy peasy so long as you haven't overstretched. It seems to me that the property market is skewered; it is a confusing mix of what are known as 'distress' sales and people like me who just want to move. On Monday I received a very silly offer from a viewer I'd shown round my house twice. I am so cross that even if they come back with a sensible offer I will tell them to stick it [they would obviously be trouble throughout the whole sales process]. Possibly I look distressed? Of course I look distressed! The village shop sells Happy Shopper American Tan tights and the local hair salon is awash with blue rinse. Sigh. My other option is to rent my house out... which is probably the route I'm going to take, because if I do this then I will be quids in. And quite frankly the vultures can go hungry.
Anyhow, this is why I have been quiet of late.

Friday, 5 June 2009

Stationary Motion

Apparently the New Ford Kinetic design styling means that the cars look like they are moving even when they're not.
I got stuck behind one for three hours last night...

*Afterthought* Stationary + Motion = Constipation?
My maths is improving.

Tuesday, 2 June 2009

Bloggy Birthday

Crikey, have I really been doing this for a year? I didn't mean to. When I first started I didn't have a clue about the blogging community; I remember being too anxious to leave comments on other blogs because everyone seemed to know each other, but then Mr Bananas left a comment on my blog and this encouraged me to go exploring... and I walked straight into Mrs P... 'Chin up, tits out' I said. I don't think she needed much encouragement to be honest. It's also her first bloggy birthday this week.

Kate was also amongst the first blogs I commented on and she is celebrating her bloggy first birthday next week by publishing her blog as a book - all profits are going to War Child, an organisation which works with children who have been hit hardest by the joint forces of poverty, conflict and social exclusion. I have put a link here and on my sidebar.

It's been a funny old year... I never imagined I'd find myself writing about my bush, or for that matter, incontinence pads... and what have I learnt from all this? I've learnt that there are lots of great people out there and... erm... that I should write in a bigger font cos then it looks like I've written more... Oh... and that it's really good fun taking a pop at L'Oreal...

P.S I might take a little break now, as recently I've found it difficult getting round to read everyone else... I think I might have over expanded my blogrol...