Thursday, 13 August 2009

Messing About

The evenings of my youth smelt of Jazz aftershave and tasted of Jack Daniels poured over glassy chinkles of ice. Nothing much mattered except good lipstick, mascara, big hair and reciprocated urges. Thursdays officially marked the beginning of the weekend, when my friend Gina and I would see if we could club solidly for three nights in a row. I always think of Gina as my sophisticated side-kick. Now she really could suck the creme from an egg without smearing her lippy, and she always looked stunning in Miss Selfridge black lycra mini dresses and six inch stilettos, whereas I preferred tight belted baggy trousers from Top Shop and ballerina pumps. She liked to pose, and I liked to dance. We were a good team, she could immediately attract and I would do the chatting. We never used to eat before going out, perhaps we'd share an extra strong mint and a squirt of Goldspot spray in the back of the cab before we arrived at the club, but we'd usually be too hyped to eat food. Anyhow, one night Gina had been force fed a curry before coming out and she said that her stomach felt a bit grumbly but reckoned she'd feel better after a drink... so she drank... half a bottle of Piper Heidsieck Champagne, four glasses of house white and two Crème de menthes [looks like washing up liquid, but pretty with a pink cocktail umbrella]. We left the club at about 2am and there were no cabs left, but I never minded walking home, I liked to burn off the buzz. Half way home and Gina began to complain that she needed the loo really badly. She was desperate. Busting. So although it meant taking a short-cut through a really dodgy estate, I said we could probably use the loos on the platform at the railway station. By the time we got there I also wanted to go, and being faster on foot than she, I dashed into the only working cubicle. Big mistake. When I came out something terrible had happened. On platform 2 of the railway station was a perfectly round cow-pat. Still steaming. Very odd because we were in town. And Gina must have been knocked over by the cow because she was crouching on the floor still staggering to get up....
Oh happy days. No CCTV, only the station manager to contend with...


Pat said...

Gina's going to be thrilled:)
Gold spot and creme de menthe. Very evocative

savannah said...

OHMYGAWD!!! now that was hilarious! ;~D xoxo

Sarah said...

Oh I rember that dance, preceded by whiskey and pep, followed by throwing up on the tube on the way home....ahhhh memories!

The Girl With The Mousy Hair said...

Respectable. Not quite. There was a lippy we used to fight over called twilight teazer and I wore my Frankie says relax t shirt well past it's sell by date.Sorry just drifted back to the eighties there.

The Mistress said...

Now she really could suck the creme from an egg without smearing her lippy

What was her technique?

Whirlochre said...

The 80s sure was a decade of diarrhoea.

Shame about Mel & Kim though. I quite liked them.

BEAST said...

Ha Ha Ha , poor Gina ! I hope she stumbles accros this blog entry while surfing the web at work.....oh the glamour of it :-)

Dave said...

What a lovely story, delicately told.

I sometimes wish I had a disreptutable youth. Stories like this remind me why I didn't.

Ms Scarlet said...

Pat: Why is it that friends always check out your blog when you write about them? They've known for months that you blog, but never show a sniff of interest until that fateful day that you sneak in a post that refers to them. I'm holding my breath.

Savvy: Cheers... or bottoms up!

Sarah: Pepsi and Shirley and Salt 'n Pepper. Swing Out Sister and Pump up the Volume. I may add I didn't buy this sort of music!

Kerrie: My Frankie T-shirt said something rather rude!

MJ: I think she had elastic lips... and she was good at covering her teeth.

Mr Whirly: Yep, it was a shame about Mel and Kim... actually I did have their album.
I tried not to eat in the eighties. Probably safest.

Mr Beastie: I will get walloped around the head if she finds it, but she is a good sport.

Dave: You had to be there. I laughed so hard that I nearly fell onto the railway track. Laughs like that made it worth it.


Lulu LaBonne said...

And how did you deal with the station master?

LẌ said...

On the bright side for Gina, it could have been much worse!

wv:penal !!!

Leah said...

You had me at Jack Daniels poured over "glassy chinkles of ice."

Scarlet, I just loved loved loved this.

Rog said...

I don't understand where the cow came from.

Geoff said...

This is why I always went home alone.

Lulu LaBonne said...

BTW - loved this story - I've been up the shops, made supper ... and it's still steaming in my head

Kevin Musgrove said...

Ah yes, the eighties... man-made fibres, romantic intent and ladies emptying their bladders in pub car parks.

Those were the days. (-:

Zig said...

poor Gina - I hope you changed her name to protect the guilty!

I would have wet myself laughing!

Ms Scarlet said...

Lulu: Dealing with the station master is another story. Gina used to drive herself to work every morning, whilst I used to travel by train. I could never look him in the eye again.

Mr XL: She had to chuck her knickers in the bin... Oh to be a station cleaner...

Leah: And I missed the dash of lemonade! Fizzing times!

Rog: I think it came on the last train from Victoria. Scary stuff.

Geoff: Wise move! Picking up women could prove to be a messy experience.

Lulu: I hope you didn't have beef curry!

Kev: And there was the time I sat on the radiator in the club lobby and melted my trousers. Interesting.

ZIggI: Oh yes! I've changed her name!
It is a memory that will stay with me 'til my dying day!


KAZ said...

Crème de menthe - ugh - Serves her right.
I love the sound of those tight belted baggy trousers and ballerina pumps.

Liam said...

I think I need to buy an English dictionary from England just to get through yours and Kerrie's posts.

CiCi said...

What a pair you and Gina made, thanks for the glimpse into your youth. This was pretty funny. I do hope you let us know what Gina says when she reads this post. Maybe she has a different version. Hehehehehe.

Grump said...

What a laugh. On my morning walks with Pooch I sometimes see the leftovers of a night out. Now I try and steer well clear of this human rubbish. But the dog pulls like a demented bell ringer, to get at the nosh.

Ginro said...

The 80s, ahhh. Spectrum ZX48k, the New Romantics, black suede pixie boots, drunk middle aged women leering drunkenly over me in the pubs and nightclubs trying to giggle coquettishly, being chased around by the police (no, not the band. And not related to the previous bit about middle-aged women), meeting my ex-wife, becoming a Dad, and all sorts of stuff. What a decade.

Clyde said...

Bloody cows---they will knock you down when they are busting.
Hmmm, am I living your youth--plenty of Bourbon in the cupboard and Jazz in the bathroom.
Just need to find that girl who can suck the cream off an egg
Three day weekends----ah, memories

OK, back to the champagne----strawberries and good cheese of course

Gadjo Dilo said...

A woman who can crap a cowpat?? I want to meet this person... possibly marry her!!

Chairman Bill said...

The youth of years ago, eh?

eroswings said...

That's quite the wild night! The moral of the story: No curry before clubbing! And always wear underwear: They may come in handy during emergencies!

That's too funny!

Ms Scarlet said...

Kaz: And it seems boyfriend jeans are back!
Creme de menthe is far too sweet for my taste as well... not too bad in milk.

Liam: Apologies!! Just ask, and I'll tell you.

Technobabe: I imagine that Gina has erased this incident from her mind!

Mr Grump: Hmmm... I remember, my dog would stick his nose in anything. Not fun!

Ginro: I loved my black suede pixie boots, until I was sick all over them.

Clyde: It's a shame that you can't live like that forever, but after a while it takes its toll.

Gadj: Really?! I shall pass on your sentiments.

Mr Chairman: Well... not that long ago... Sigh.

? $%%$^&())"!"!""""^%&&^****((IOPFH££"£%$***^^&*^*&*()(

Mr Swings: Yes! Always keep spare knickers and a toothbrush in your handbag!


Roses said...

Your post made me laugh and laugh. How sad I still think kindly of Duran Duran, Matthew Wilder, Nu Shooz...when neon anything was cool.

Unfortunately, I had to wait until the 90's before I got my own 'cow pat' stories...

Morton Shadow said...

Gina's contact details please:

I think she and I need to discuss stiletto heels and black lycra mini dresses....

(We'll get 'round to *her* outfit later on....)



mapstew said...

The 80's eh? It's the new 60's!

I had big hair too, which I used to spray with silver paint!
(Maybe THAT'S why it fell out?)

Happy weekend.


Anonymous said...

Creme de menthe and Heidsieck - that's the highway to desaster. Benedictine and Aqua di selva, that's healthy!

Catastrophe Waitress said...

you described (perfectly) the period 1994-95 of my life. minus the cow pat.

what do you suppose Gina is up to now?

Ms Scarlet said...

Roses: No worries... I still listen to Duran Duran on the quiet.

Mr Morton: ...or should I say Miss Morton? It's always fun to dress up..!

Mr Maps: My hair suffered! Every colour under the sun... but I'm glad I got it out of my system.

Mr Mags: I shall spray Benedictine on my cleavage and drink the Aqua di selva. Thank you for the tip.

Miss Project: Gina's antics will be in my novel. Racy stuff!!


Anonymous said...

He he. Sounds like my life last year.

Betty said...

Aah, good old Miss Selfridge. Putting on my Miss Selfridge Doris Karloff lipstick (a matt red that would stay put through all sorts of *interesting activities*) was one of my pre-clubbing rituals.

At the time I was a sneery Smiths fan, but now I realise that The Smiths weren't all that, really, and that Respectable was one of the great songs of the '80's.

MommyHeadache said...

Oh the carefree days of youth eh? I remember this wild friend I had when I was a teen who had a lot of curly hair on her head and down below. She had a guy finger her once and he got tangled in her bush. I think she had to cut his hand out in the end!!

Also once we were getting ready for a hot date in the station toilets and the taps didn't work so she put water from the toilet on her hair for a 'wet look.' I'm sure she smelt lovely.

tony said...

Our Younger Days Are All Behind Us!

Ginro said...

Bananarama appear to be coming back - Bananarama comeback

jekandhyd said...

I'm trying to think of the right word. "Sophistication", that could be it, but, maybe not.

Anyway, I've emailed you the recipe for the perfect Moscow Mule plus photo I've taken to show you how it should look.

Let me know if need any pics of creme de menthe cocktails to put you in nostalgic mood again

Eryl said...

Poor Gina! I think I'll probably laugh about this, sporadically, for the rest of my life.

Mark Sanderson said...

Good grief.

(I remember that song: tay, tay, tay, tay, tay, tay, tay, tay, tay).

You know, there are some men who'd have paid alot of money to witness Gina doing poos.

Ms Scarlet said...

Jane: Gina was lucky that this only happened to her once!

Betty: I had that stay-put lipstick too... and I used to put Lipcote over it just to make sure it would stay put.
And I have a Smiths single, What Difference, with Terrence Stamp on the cover - I think it's collectable.

Emmak: Friends can be so embarrassing! Maybe we had the same friends...?

Tony: NO, NO, NO!!!! The eighties are coming back - dig out those shoulder pads!

Ginro: They're all coming back. They're all skint.

Mr Jekand: The creme de menthe cocktail was called A Grasshopper... it was like drinking mashed After Eights - loved it.
Thank you very much for the Mule recipe, but I think you're going to have to make it for me!

Eryl: I've been sniggering about it all weekend! I'm also trying to stop myself indulging in some more eighties tunes.

Mr Marks: Well don't let Gina know, she's too easily led astray.


Dave said...

Are you awake yet? Come on, there is work for you to be up and doing...

Romeo Morningwood said...

The miracle of alcohol.
At first I wondered if "my friend Gina" was a literal device and this was going to be a very revealing post about the 80s :)

So much for the Glam eh? Although the Glamorous Life by Sheila E would make an excellent soundtrack to this video or how about don't you want me ba-by playing in the background as Gina crawled about the platform.

I'm certain the station manager is still in therapy...did you start wearing a fake moustache and hat on the morning train..oh-no..I can't hold it comes..I can't hold it...

My Gina "cakes" the morning train,
she dropped one off at five am,
she never eats curry again
or sips Piper Heidsieck Champagne
la la la la-la-la-la-la...

What are friends for eh?

Michelle said...

I got to aftershave and Jack Daniels and had to go have some private time,

Ms Scarlet said...

Dave: Yep, I've looked at your stamp collection!

Mr coppens: Was I mean to tell this story? I did change her name... I felt a bit mean... but it was funny... and once something is on your mind you have to write it out... but perhaps not hit publish!

Michelle: Goodness me! Don't drink the whole bottle!


JeffScape said...

Hah! Nice.