Monday, 31 January 2011

Mayhem in the Comment Box

Apparently my Blogger security staff have been a little over zealous of late and have been blocking people from my comment box. I don't know what Madame Defarge did to upset them, perhaps it was her entourage of huskies, I don't know, but I have had a word, redesigned my comment box and all seems to be well again.
Admittedly I have also had trouble gaining access to comment boxes... I have to flash my security pass [and sometimes my knickers] several times at Joey's and my cursor has to stay outside at Fairyhedgehog's.
And at a recent blog... I was blocked... thrown out... not allowed to enter at all... which quite frankly, hurt a bit [nobody on my blogroll... and I'm not naming names].
Anyhow, the problem seems to be with embedded comment boxes... so I have switched to a full page spread.
Other blogging news.... Mitzi has discovered my secret life as a plumber's mate; trust me, my Essex flange is far superior to the Surrey flange and I can do wonders with a two hole mixer tap whilst expanding a vent pipe... but nonetheless, these revelations are all very disturbing....

Whatever.... time for a tune for a foot tapping start to the week.

***Coming next... MJ's Tarot reading***

Tuesday, 25 January 2011

The Sniff of Danger

Yesterday I was banjaxed at the beauty counter by the perfume lady who drenched me in the acrid scent of Sentir Un Peu Ordures. It's the new perfume from the House of Idoles écran et Non-entités, but I don't recommend it. It reeks.
Anyhow, it is taking me a while to wash it off, so I am away to the little known salt baths of Milton Keynes for a good scrubbing and some gentle rehabilitation and maybe a little light leech therapy...

I will be back, refreshed,but possibly with a little less blood...

Exit pursued by a penguin with his cockles on a tray....

Friday, 21 January 2011

For Fun and Entertainment Purposes Only

This is the second in a series of eagerly awaited and incredibly popular Tarot reading posts.

Legal Niceties:
Please remember that these readings are for fun and entertainment purposes only and should not be taken at all seriously because I am not psychic and cannot foresee the future. It is also worth noting that your home is at risk if you do not keep up repayments on a mortgage or other loan secured on it.

Firstly an update on my first eagerly awaited and incredibly popular Tarot reading post which featured Mr XL and ably demonstrates my startling abilities.
Incredibly I accurately ascertained that Mr XL is a frustrated restless redhead.
I then predicted that he would soon visit Australia. And He did!!!
Finally I predicted that he would throw caution to the wind and do something daring. He did!!!
Read this!!!
Anyhow, I think it is now time to update Mr XL’s future and discover what 2011 has in store...
Now Keep still Mr XL whilst I stroke your avatar, gently press my nose against it and give it a good nuzzle....

Apologies for the slight tingle...
Mr XL, the Tarot is telling me that you must ignore mischievous fortune cookies, as they speak nonsense... you must stick to well dunked gingernuts in future as they are kinder to your teeth.... and be careful with your teeth this year, as there could be some danger in the form of a heavily seeded bap or a crusty topped bloomer.
The Tarot is also telling me that you are feeling vulnerable and that you are having a bit of an identity crisis. You are smarting and dwelling on previous hurts. But do not worry, very soon everything will become clear as you are about to venture on a voyage of self discovery and you will again learn to value yourself. I also spy the birth of a new relationship... or a renewal of faith... there are definitely gentle stirrings of new beginnings... you are advised to take things slowly and to feed yourself with pleasure [good heavens!] and you must nurture yourself [the well dunked gingernuts will help you to do this], and treat yourself kindly. This self indulgence... although it may feel selfish... will lead you to the place you need to be. I hope this helps.

If there is anyone else who would like an insightful reading then please make a request in the comment box below.
Thank you... I am now psychically exhausted and need to rest....

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

Be a Shade Braver

Wendy Woods Woodall is the headmistress, pottery teacher, and dinner lady at the highly regarded Woods Woodall school of seduction tips and trickery. Women of all ages come to her desperate to learn ancient seduction skills such as elegant butter craft, wood turning, and aerobic deportment with a fireman's pole.
To graduate with flying colours every student has to demonstrate a thorough knowledge of all she has learnt during the 24 hour intensive course [only £1,060 if you sign up before January 18th]. To do this the students have to perform the notorious, and technically challenging, walk of seduction across a variety of complex surfaces, the finale being an artful performance on a shag pile rug.
Trisha is the last student down the runway, she is nervous as Wendy and her full time companion, Jennifer Johnson - an optician from Barnstaple, are in critical mood. One girl has already left sobbing after losing her balance on the Cotswold cobbles.
Trisha is poised and begins her walk. The red carpet is a doddle and the cobbles: outmanoeuvred on tip-toe, but as she reaches the shag pile she knows that something is wrong. Wendy is screwing up her nose as though Jennifer has just sprayed her cleavage with eau de scorn. Trisha panics. What has she done wrong? Her skirt is well above her thighs, her knickers - just below her knees... Then, Trisha, feeling a shade braver, removes the elastic band from her hair, shrugs her jumper from her shoulder and flashes her strapline: a small change to your hair can make a big change to your head. Headmistress Wendy beams a smile and Trisha graduates for being Nice 'n Easy.

Thursday, 6 January 2011

Tip Of The Day

Some years back we were all encouraged to go to work on an egg. Personally I prefer to start the day on a banana; it keeps me perky from dawn 'til dusk so I always keep my fruit bowl well stocked and happy.

However, be warned, if you drop any on your sheets or clothing then mop it off with a warm damp cloth to prevent unsightly staining.

Sunday, 2 January 2011

A Proper New Year Post

I spent New Year's Eve up Mr Beastie's back passage, it was be-crammed with fellow revellers and smelt only slightly of banana puree. I think it had been cleaned for the occasion.
The back passage is of course attached to the delightful Cafe C. To be honest I don't really remember an awful lot about it. I have some strange abstract photos on my ancient Nokia, such as this:

...and this may be upside down... who's to know?
I met the gorgeous Mavis/Frobisher... who seemed amazed at the remarkable resemblance I bear to my avatar... and I met the charming Mr C [he is wonderful, how he puts up with Mr Beastie's nonsense, I do not know] and the lovely James, who both looked after me for the evening and made me feel like a minor celebrity. I had tried to sneak in incognito by wearing my over sized gabardine mac and Jackie O sunglasses, but I think my large entourage might have given me away. Anyhow, the champagne was soon flowing... interspersed with rounds of shots that I now find very difficult to describe - I have a vague recollection of something creamy in a very small plastic cup. Quite frankly, I have no idea what went down my throat that night, whatever it was it was it must have worked because I have only just sobered up.
I do have a blurry recollection of a belly dancer trying to lure me on to the dance floor... and I heard Mavis singing.... but it is all a bit of a haze... and I don't actually remember midnight.... I possibly sampled Mr Beastie's nibbles.... who's to know? As Mr Beastie himself quite rightly puts it: Loose Lips Sink Ships.

To all at Cafe C - a very big thank you for spoiling me something rotten and for giving me a wonderful New Year's Eve [I just wish I could remember more about it!] And....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! everyone who has stumbled and stumbles across me.

NB. Plans for the recovery of the Freaking Green Elf Shorts will soon be underway... more news to follow...  

Saturday, 1 January 2011